Daughter struggling in reception.

[hattyhatshats]

My daughter is 4 (5 in May) and starting school has been really difficult.

I admit I didn't do a huge amount of academic prep before she started and I don't think her pre school did either, but i didn't realise how far behind she was. Or how hard she would find it.

The homework that comes home is so difficult to complete, she rarely wants to sit still, I've tried bribes, being firm, breaking into short sessions, making it fun, and finally shouting out of pure frustration (I know that wasn't cool).

At our last parents evening I was told she "had a long way to go" and keep working on things at home - doing the homework and extra tasks set, practise the high frequency words daily and go through the reading books more than once.

I want to help, but I'm getting so stressed about this as we've had another weekend where a significant part of the weekend has been spent trying to get this bloody homework done whilst she wanders off, chats rubbish and uses all the delaying tactics that I've ended up in tears (under the duvet in my bedroom where she can't hear me). It's almost as though she has a very short attention span but on top of that doesn't want to think and will just make random guesses all the time.

I am going to meet with the teacher but I wondered if anyone had any advice, reassurance, similar stories (hopefully with a happy ending?!) or specifics I should ask about when I meet her?

That sounds really hard. She’s so young for her year, maybe she’s just not ready. What are the school doing to support her? And how much homework is she getting? It sounds a lot.

Stop doing the homework with her immediately until you've met with the Reception teacher(s). Under the circumstances, it won't be doing either of you any good.

Instead, just read with her. Have her try some words; alternate pages with her; or read to her. Reading is the best thing you can do with her right now while you try to figure out what's going on with the rest of it. She may have special needs. She may just not be ready to learn. She may learn differently. but since what you're doing isn't working, get a face to face with her teachers and make them listen to you about what's going on and see if you can find another approach together.

She's 4 and has only had one full term of school. Don't let them make you feel like it's devastating for her entire education if she's not there yet. it's not.

Sounds really hard. My daughters school is nothing like this. She's in reception and has no homework other than reading books. They are learning their letters and tricky words etc in school. Do you think the school is otherwise a good fit? I would be asking to meet with school and asking for extra support - at their age if they have a 'long way to go' this should be supported in school not at home. If there's another school locally that might be worth looking too.

Print out the words and put them up by the front door. She has to touch a password to get out.

Look up precision teaching and word games like high frequency snakes and ladders silly games where they don’t make sense

Try Nessy online which is recommended highly by Ed Pyscs

How much homework does she get? At that age I'd expect her to have a reading book and for you to read with her for a few minutes every day - that's it. Anything more than that is OTT in my opinion.

I would stop doing homework. It has no value. Just read with her. My DC’s primary didn’t do homework at all - except for some project work over the holidays.

Stop stressing and stop doing homework op. She will get there in her own time.

Sounds like a lot of pressure
To a certain extent I think you need to work with them as - as you’ve found - it just doesn’t work if they are not up for it

Very few reception teachers ime would want you to slog away like this, as you don’t want it to become a negative thing for her.

Is it a state school?

You shouldn’t have to do any academic prep for reception I don’t think, not unless the child is wanting to know more and showing a real interest.

My dd was 4 in June. We’re not doing much at home as she isn’t very interested in the books but I am not stressing about it and keeping trying in short bursts. She’s more interested in the phonics so we do a bit of that. She is remembering the individual phonic sounds well but blending hasn’t ‘clicked yet’ but I know it will.

I wouldn't do any homework beyond reading with her. She's four...barely out of toddlerhood. It's not worth the stress.

Honestly? I'd tell the school you will read with her at bedtime, do 'fun' activities like writing the shopping list, reading recipes together etc - but that you are not doing nightly homework with a 4 year old that is stressing both of you out.
My ds (also May born) hated reception, especially all the very directed phonics stuff which took all the pleasure out of reading, and being told constantly how to hold his pen. By the time he was 8 he had a reading age of 16+..

She's too young for school.

Most other countries don't begin formal education at this age.

IME children who aren't engaging and are distracting by chatting and walking off at this young age aren't actually understanding what you're trying to teach them. They cannot say they don't understand because they are so young. So they try and get praise and attention other ways or being silly to make you laugh.

Maybe she needs more play type exploratory activities at a more basic level before the more formal stuff.

Things like cornflour and water and mark making (lines and circles etc) is good. Also in sand or even custard or rice pudding. Making milk jelly to mark make in is a favourite I've found in the past!
Then progress to writing letters and numbers.

Does she like number blocks or alpha blocks or using an iPad app? Learning by stealth and osmosis when they don't realise is undervalued!

Play fun games. Lay 10 objects out. Different colours and shapes etc. Play a game if I spy. Eg, I spy something that Y C. (Yellow car). If they guess they get the object. Learning listening, focus, following instructions, colours, shapes and also initial phonics sounds.

The risk with all this pressure and force is she'll learn to hate school and learning before she even gets to hear 1 when they actually start it more formally.

My DD is 4, birthday in June and also in reception. I can't imagine doing loads of homework with her, we just try to read every day.

What we've found is anything after school is a write off as we are both irritable, so I do reading with her sometime in the 2 hours before school (shes a very early riser!)

We've also found ourselves getting frustrated with her and she ended up getting stressed as we were being picky with her about getting sounds right etc
So we completely changed approach and if she gets a sound wrong we tickle her or chase her around the house, which she LOVES. This has transformed reading time into something she hated and was forced to do and which annoyed us, into something she really enjoys.

Basically I'd try not to take anything too seriously as love of learning is THE most important thing to instill this year

My son is Year 1. He is still struggling. I just did last year's phonics test with him and he only got 5 out of 40.

Kids develop at different rates.

Seriously. Let her be little.

Thank you all so much for this. I totally reset my attitude over Xmas, reminding myself she is only 4 and she's always been slightly behind the curve in all milestones and she always gets there in the end.

Then I got a pointed reminder about practising the high frequency words flash cards in the homework diary and another set sent home. And it was like a reset button and I'm stressing again. I hate that I'm like this, normally I'm a very chilled mum.

Yes it's state school, top 5 in the city on sats and I was concerned that it might've be pushy when I went to look round but everyone I spoke to who's kids went said it was lovely.

Thank you for all the suggestions, I will dial it totally back and speak to the teacher. She does love screens so I'll look for some games. Any recommendations?

I totally agree she's too young for school. I hate it. But I can't give up work to homeschool.

For full disclosure - she's a twin and her sibling is thriving (still behind apparently 🤦‍♀️) but tries very hard and is very happy to do the work. So I'm not sure if I'm comparing them, which I always try very hard not to do but something about this situation has sent me into a tail spin.

That sounds like so much pressure for a reception aged child. My eldest is in yr2 now and he would have have hated all that. He really struggled with phonics and writing especially and we both used to get so stressed with it but it just makes it worse. We found that it just suddenly 'clicked' for him after the Easter holidays, he just got it. Was able to read almost overnight and just steadily improved since then.

My daughter is pretty much the exact same age as yours and has found it all a lot easier and takes everything in but if she decides she's had enough then that's it. She's done. If she's not in the mood, no amount of bribing gets her to sit and do her homework or reading so I just leave it now til she's ready. If she doesn't finish it, then that's fine. I'm much more relaxed this time. They are still so little and there's more to life than homework!

I meant pressure from the school, not you btw!!

This is crazy, it’s up to you how much homework she does and at this age it doesn’t matter! My just turned five year old gets a workbook sent home occasionally and I don’t do it with him. We read the books in his book bag and that’s it.

It’s such a shame all this academic pushing of such young kids when they’re not mature enough to deal with it or understand. Any creativity or personality gets pushed aside for the sake of passing tests.

I find it so sad that our children are being made into nervous wrecks because they’re constantly pushed and tested way before they’re ready

I did reading with the Y1 kids as a volunteer I was so shocked at the variation. Some were still struggling with letter recognition, others reading fluently from chapter books. It's totally normal and evens out dramatically by y2/y3.
The homework sounds excessive. A reading book a few times a week is normal anything that becomes a struggle is counter productive at 4 years old. Are you sure the work us correctly differentiated? If it's too hard she's naturally going to react against it.

Stick the HF word flash wards on the doors around the house. The whole point is you tell your child what they say. It being the password to entered was a great idea by a pp.

So each time the go through the door they say "HF word". The pint is they are looking at the word and seeing its shape etc. They are getting more familiar. Once you are sure they may know 1 or 2 words then swap them around. That when they will start to recognise what the word reads. Also learning to actually look and take time to process.
Don't do it so that it's not achievable for them to get it right.

The ceiling reading age is 14 years. There are children who can achieve this at 6/7 years old. There are children/adults who never reach this. But most of the population do learn to read at some point and read well enough to manage every day.

My ds reading was slow. As was his writing and spelling. He's now 15yo .
His spelling age is 7.6 and his reading age 10.8.
He's just taken his mocks and did fairly well (above all predicted).

What's important is fostering a love of learning and the skills to learn. Learners will then counteract their own weaknesses because they'll find a way to achieve the grades they want.

And if there is any learning differences it'll become more apparent as the child goes through school and they can get some extra help/ small group work. But if they've been out off learning at 4 for fear of getting it wrong or too much pressure then they'll not engage in the extra help and you've hit a stalemate.

Wow - reception is supposed to be play based. Shocked the word behind is being thrown around at this stage - is question whether this is the right school. Dd is in primary 2 and has less pressure, she's nearly 7

I'm not sure if you already know but as she is summer born it is an option (1) (which is your legal right) for you to either send her part time until she reaches compulsory school age (5). You do not need the school's permission for this. Or (2) to withdraw her and send her at CSA but this is a bit more complicated as would either need her current school's agreement to allow her to rejoin reception next year or you could try another school. Google CSA start for summer born children. There is a lot of information available online and good Facebook support groups.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/838983/SummerrbornadmissionssadviceDecc_2014.pdf