Daughter struggling in reception.

[hattyhatshats]

My daughter is 4 (5 in May) and starting school has been really difficult.

I admit I didn't do a huge amount of academic prep before she started and I don't think her pre school did either, but i didn't realise how far behind she was. Or how hard she would find it.

The homework that comes home is so difficult to complete, she rarely wants to sit still, I've tried bribes, being firm, breaking into short sessions, making it fun, and finally shouting out of pure frustration (I know that wasn't cool).

At our last parents evening I was told she "had a long way to go" and keep working on things at home - doing the homework and extra tasks set, practise the high frequency words daily and go through the reading books more than once.

I want to help, but I'm getting so stressed about this as we've had another weekend where a significant part of the weekend has been spent trying to get this bloody homework done whilst she wanders off, chats rubbish and uses all the delaying tactics that I've ended up in tears (under the duvet in my bedroom where she can't hear me). It's almost as though she has a very short attention span but on top of that doesn't want to think and will just make random guesses all the time.

I am going to meet with the teacher but I wondered if anyone had any advice, reassurance, similar stories (hopefully with a happy ending?!) or specifics I should ask about when I meet her?

And from reading posters on here it seems that she is totally normal - so the thread has been really reassuring with some great ideas. Thank you.

I will get her eyes and ears checked tho as she has a lot of trouble pronouncing different letters, b/d sound the same for example and that could be hearing. And I wore glasses from primary school.

It looks to me that they are pushing her for their benefit, not hers. As I said in my previous post, children learn in different ways, one size doesn't fit all. She might be better off at a less outstanding school who will nurture her, very often the high performing schools do nothing more than churn out children who have been trained to do brilliantly in SATS & anyone who is different gets left behind.

Thanks nat - I will consider moving her later on if it's really not the right fit. However it's a difficult decision to move schools with twins as they'd both need to go.

Are the twins in the same class?

Yes they are in the same class

Is it a school with more than one reception class? If so might separating them help them not start to compare their progress so much?

There are 2 classes but they have the same homework etc so I think I'd still compare and she'd be gutted to be separated.

Maybe as they get older and she gets more confident.

I have twins

Mine also relied on each other and I separated them for this reason. If she’s holding on to his short tails she’ll never have to stand on her own two feet. Also teachers may compare them to each other.

I separated them and they’ve been fine.

I'll consider it later on. It's been a big change going to school so I don't want to do too many changes at once.

But thanks for your insight that it was a positive thing to separate yours.

My twins will be in the same class as the school has a one form entry. The triplets in my sons class get on well together, but are not lumped together.
Interestingly the other kids in the class haven’t realised they are triplets despite them all looking similar!? None are identical but there is a definite family look to them.
That’s reception aged kids for you.

I think the twin thing is a red herring.

Have you had a chance to speak to the teacher OP?
How are you feeling about homework after the thread?

I feel a lot better about things since starting the thread, she's normal and I just need to take things at her pace. (And maybe not get into conversations with my friends about what their kids are doing!).

I haven't spoken to the teacher as I wanted some time to take the pressure off and see how things changed. Also I felt so emotional about it all on Monday I wanted to feel calmer! I only see the teacher once a week.

Homework - I'm just going to give them the task that needs doing and go at her pace, if she has no interest then I'll just tell the teacher that and not make a big deal about it. I was feeling by not making them do the homework I was letting her down, this thread has helped me to see that isn't true.

I still think meeting with the teacher would be helpful. They may able to offer help or you will see it's just not the right school for her. If a student is struggling they should be helping and offering you advice and tips.

Hi I know this is a few days old now. I just wanted to say my child started in September and she's also struggled a little bit. I'm a stay-at-home mum and I feel that in my daughter's case this was the reason she struggled to settle.she perhaps hadn't had the same exposure as a child who had been at nursery from a year or two old.

she was also quite shy when she started and I didn't really know she could speak to her teachers. Her first parents evening was in October and it wasn't that great. I came out of their feeling really down in the dumps. My daughter couldn't cut out, she wasn't grasping instructions or routine, she was spending too much time painting and not really getting involved in other activities. I knew she could write her name but she wasn't doing at school so they thought she didn't write. Then it got worse and they pulled me to one side after school one day. Asked me to get her eyes and ears checked,told me that she just wasn't grasping anything really and she had started to display stupid behaviour. Things like giggling and running around the classroom. I was embarrassed because I felt like I had failed her somehow. I came on here for advice and I pretty much convinced myself that she was going to be autistic or Asperger's or ADHD. I just thought why isn't she like the other kids. She even hit somebody one day which was completely out of character.

I had words with her and did a behaviour chart with her and she went back to school just before Christmas and started to improve. Last week when I took her back after Christmas I asked the teacher if there was any improvement in her. I braced myself for bad comments. She said to me my daughter was like a new person. Working hard getting good at her phonics and her writing. Silly behaviour had completely settled. She was making good choices every day and checking with the teachers she was doing the right thing. even their learning support teacher spoke to me in the playground this week and told me how brilliant she's doing. today after school her teachers came over to me and told me that she done so brilliant writing and some brilliant work.

It feels like a weight has been lifted. Nothing can prepare you for being told your child isn't doing great. I never expected her first parents evening to feel so negative. at one point I just hated the school runs because I thought why is it my child that's not doing good. I was upset because I felt like I did giving her the best start I could in life and she wasn't blossoming. Looking back over the last few months now I see it a bit more from her point of view. She's only 4 and she was at home with me most of her life before school. She's coming from that to being in a classroom 30 hours a week. She's had to learn to follow rules and routines and she's also had to learn how to be around other children all day. She's had to get to know a teacher and other adults as well.she's had to learn to be brave and go in a big hall and have dinner and cope with the older children in the playground.she's had to understand that she has to be a big girl away from me and it's been a huge change for her.

I think that's probably a bit of what's going on with your little girl too. She probably just needs that little bit more time I'm to adjust to this new life.

When my daughter's been at school all day she often doesn't want to read a book to me. I tell her she can have a penny for every word she reads in her school book without help. She gets motivated pretty quickly then and she will give it a good go. As for homework she only gets really simple things that take about 5-minutes. perhaps have a word with the teacher and say she's struggling to get motivated to do homework. I know it's hard because I've been a little bit frustrated with mine in the last few months. I felt like saying to her I wish you could understand that if you don't prove yourself they are going to look into you and see if you got problems. of course I would never say that to her because that would be a ridiculous thing to say. But they were starting to look into her behaviour and it was horrible thinking that my child was at the start of what could have been a very long road. I'm absolutely made up that she's found a way to be herself and relax and learn to follow what they wanted her to do. give your little girl lots of praise and keep finding different ways to make things fun and keep encouraging her and I'm sure she will get there. My little girl likes nothing more than to know she's made me proud and I think there were times when I was just raising my voice and getting too easily frustrated.

Good luck and remember shes still only four.

At my DD school you can definitely tell kids who have been with stay at home parents. They are daunted by the routine, simple things like going in on your own, hanging coat up etc. But I think even the most timid are getting used to it now.

They also start them too young in this country. Alot of other countries don't start them at 4.

It doesn’t matter what other countries do!
Mine were all ready to go and play at nursery and reception.

@GreenTulips yep some kids are. But many are not ready.

I've seen many in my daughter's class struggle with different things. Wetting themselves. Not being able to concentrate. Not understanding routine. Alot of kids are exhausted and just struggle at age four to grasp and pick it all up. My child struggled with concentration and the routine. I had to get her eyes and ears checked. She's now doing heaps better and I get positive feedback regularly. Two months ago she was far from settled.

It does matter what other countries do. They have realised that kids under 6 arnt ready for such routine and learning. In those countries often the kids are brighter and happier when they do go. Kids don't fit in one box. When you think some kids turn five the week they start and others turn 5 in June or July. That's a huge difference at this age. Also my DD has a good go at her reading book. My friend's kid refuses to read yet. She won't look at her school book.

One kid in my DD class can write, read, draw and spell like a year two child. Her writing is fantastic. Her intelligence is way above average. Then others can't hold scissors or write their names.

Many will be ready for the play side of things. Doesn't mean they are ready to learn and spend 30 hours a week there.

Thanks all for your stories and insights.

This week seems to have been a bit easier and she did read her book with me on Friday and definitely tried a bit harder than previously.

School is a big change from their very chilled nursery and they are very tired all the time.

If she's tired after school I definitely advise trying to do reading before school if she's up on time. Just reading a page or so over the breakfast table perhaps.