Daughter struggling in reception.

[hattyhatshats]

My daughter is 4 (5 in May) and starting school has been really difficult.

I admit I didn't do a huge amount of academic prep before she started and I don't think her pre school did either, but i didn't realise how far behind she was. Or how hard she would find it.

The homework that comes home is so difficult to complete, she rarely wants to sit still, I've tried bribes, being firm, breaking into short sessions, making it fun, and finally shouting out of pure frustration (I know that wasn't cool).

At our last parents evening I was told she "had a long way to go" and keep working on things at home - doing the homework and extra tasks set, practise the high frequency words daily and go through the reading books more than once.

I want to help, but I'm getting so stressed about this as we've had another weekend where a significant part of the weekend has been spent trying to get this bloody homework done whilst she wanders off, chats rubbish and uses all the delaying tactics that I've ended up in tears (under the duvet in my bedroom where she can't hear me). It's almost as though she has a very short attention span but on top of that doesn't want to think and will just make random guesses all the time.

I am going to meet with the teacher but I wondered if anyone had any advice, reassurance, similar stories (hopefully with a happy ending?!) or specifics I should ask about when I meet her?

Why on earth is a 4 year old getting homework. Don't tell me it's nonsense phonics.
I ignored all homework and spellings etc until year 4. Both my kids ended primary at the top of their classes.
There is way too little proper teaching happening in school and far too much sent home these days.

Teach your monster to read app is fab. My DD also likes alphablocks

We got the high frequency flash cards from Collins (Amazon) and use a few over meal times, no pressure just pick one up and use on a sentence, sillier sentence the better with my DD e.g. "MY cat COULD do a poo" which always gets giggles and makes it all lighthearted

Homework other than a little reading in Reception is insane. I'd just ignore it, frankly.

Way more pressure than my DC's school.

She's August born and had a sudden leap with drawing and pen hold last term. Can write her name ok but nothing else. Letter recognition decent thanks to 'teach my monster to read app' but blending very inconsistent. We also get comedy guesses at blending e.g. DOG = goat!

School are happy with her progress, foster her interest in numbers/counting and homework is generally a few craft/simple tasks and a reading book once a week.

I would love to be a pushy tiger mum but DC pushes back way too hard. Mostly we are focussing on listening to (and obeying) instructions, and dealing with the overtired mess I get home!

Could you ask the teacher for the homework to be differentiated (easier tasks, less tasks or both) so that it’s easier for her to attempt?

There’s not much point in her having homework thats too hard for her to do. It’s just going to demoralise her.

Re. screens, Teach Your Monster To Read is a good little phonics game. Alphablocks and Numberblocks are good TV shows for reinforcing phonics and basic numbers.

If she’s struggling with writing, then it might help to look at other activities that can build up hand strength and fine motor control, rather than just asking her to practice writing.

Some fantastic ideas, like the idea of using the flash cards in silly sentences. She'd love that. She likes teach monster but does just tend to randomly choose the letters/sounds!

To be fair they haven't said she's behind, it just seems to be inferred when they talk about how far she has to go, or I think it is. Also they other kids do seem to be more advanced, eg beautifully written Xmas cards some in cursive script.

The differentiation thing is a very good point, they send home a list of homework for the whole term and perhaps I shouldn't be doing it as thoroughly . But some of it is well above what either of them can do, eg count backwards from 20-1 five times (they cannot count backwards past 5-1), but maybe they're not supposed to do it independently? I think I've just got a bit stressed she's struggling so trying to do all the homework to help her. But you're all right, I'm doing the opposite. He also finds all of this difficult but is happy to do the work.

Thanks all for setting my head straight, I've been trying to do the right thing but getting it really wrong.

The silent pressure is exhausting at our school, lots of hot housing parents trying to not so discreetly get info about the level of DD. I just try to remind myself that enjoying school is most important and that the hot housey kids will probably rebel at some point and end up squatting in crack dens once they're out of their parents' control (probably)

Gaffa - silent pressure is exactly right but I don't get it so much from other parents tho there is lots of talk of kids being like "sponges" but I do feel it from the school.

I don't want them to struggle, I so want to help but I have deffo not been getting it right.

What sort of homework is she getting? I had one in reception last year and have one in reception this year and neither had homework, just reading books.

I have a 4 yo same age (also 5 in May). Reading -wise he's not getting it at all. I'm trying my best not to stress, older son is now in year 2 and "got" reading pretty much straightaway when I started school but I've now realised they all developed at different paces.
Agree with pp that in year 1 the differences even themselves out. Do some reading with her every night but above all make sure she's enjoying school and don't put too much pressure on her. Luckily our school is fairly relaxed even though our son seems a bit "behind" as far as I can tell. My niece went to a Steiner school, obviously that's controversial but they don't learn to read there until they're 7. She's now 14 and in a mainstream comp and doing really well. 4 is too young for many children to learn to read IMO.

Ps totally normal to compare siblings. But having spoken to friends with much older children totally normal and usual for one to grasp something much quicker than the other. Doesn't mean anything in the long run.

I've name changed for this as it might be outing if anyone I know is on here.
My husband is a teacher and was adamant our children would do no homework in primary school bar a few spellings and reading, unless it was something they really really wanted to do and didn't eat into family time.
There is no value to homework at this age.
They went to a very laid back primary so we only had spellings and reading books till year 4 (They were supposed to learn spellings in a certain way which we declined for them to do as it took about 5 X longer and didn't help them).
In year 5 a new regime took over and homework ramped up but we just explained that they weren't doing it and why.
In secondary school they've always done all their homework because a) we picked a school that doesn't set it for the sake of it so there's relatively little and b) there's not the same evidence that it's pointless.
Older child got all 9s in GCSE; younger child predicted all 9s in GCSE.
My point is that homework doesn't help at this age. Reading is important but everything else can be done within the school day. My children spent hours playing in the woods after school when they were 5-10 and it was so much better for them than having to do homework.
Loads of our friends went to private schools and did so much homework - they've done less well than my children or their friends from the same school.
I'd have a word with the teacher explaining that you want to foster a love of learning and the current system is not working for your family.

I think there's 2 issues - one is the homework, which I definitely will dial back on. I'd much rather they were playing and using their imagination than us all getting stressed.

The second is whether she is significantly behind or if there are any cause for concern about her ability and attention etc. But by the sounds of it it's just too early to tell.

It's interesting those who have said they should be learning enough in the school day, I've definitely internalised the idea that it isn't enough and I need to do a lot of supplementing - I'm now questioning if I have got this from the school or it's what I've inferred. Either way I'm the parent and it's up to me what I do with them.

I'm now questioning if I have got this from the school or it's what I've

You've said the school is one of the top for SATs results, that means lots of the parents will choose the school for that academic performance, it's what they value, it's what they track, it's what they question the school about. So it's likely an environment where everyone is focused on academic things. (Another school might attract parents with sporting beliefs, so all the talk at pick up and all the questions to teachers etc. are about sport, so again the feeling you get in the environment is different.)

I'd say it's wrong to say she's too young for school (there are few countries which haven't started education by 4, it's just not called school) she's probably too young for homework, and too young for the expectations of this school, but the play based curriculum that is current best practice is quite different from what you've described (homework for a play based curriculum would still be play, not flash cards)

The problem you have is that in a school environment full of academically pushy adults, there is risk of your child feeling dumb because they are simply learning non-academic things. So the self image start to reflect on that leading to under performance, so it's difficult to simply opt out of the academic competition rigmarole without changing schools. I certainly think dropping the homework and making your home curriculum the sort of play and knowledge based curriculum that you'd expect, not about trivial skills like high frequency word recognition.

Also, given your worries, I'd check out if your child really is behind age related expectations and not simply behind where this pushy environment wants them to be so as to keep their parents happy.

How much you need to do at home will depend on the school. Ours they read with teacher maybe 5x a year and TA every 2-4w so realistically You need to do thereading at home or the child will get behind.

Mine is 4.5yo and still cannot recognise anything but 1 letter, though luckily not gone to school this year.
However im starting to notice more interest etc so hopefully soon.
I think the issue is many can learn at 4.0yo but some cannot and you dont know till you try. By 5.0yo they are much more likely to
Get phonics
Have fewer PT accidents
Be physically able to write
Regulate concentration and emotions.
But by yr 1 some other kids will be writing paragraphs and reading chapter books.

Ignore the Xmas card, the parents wrote them with left hand (or right is left handed) I was told to do same by friends, I laughed and wrote them as she's four and she should be playing.

There is no point persisting if she's wandering off.

My dd is Reception loved playing schools at home. I bought her a similar book to the registers at school and made registers for her. In the beginning I would write the names of her friends and imaginary classmates and she would tick them off. Without realising it she was reading and writing. Eventually she wanted to write the names (but needed me to make the grid so she could mark them in for morning and afternoon sessions

For Xmas that year I bought her "Well done " stamps like her teacher had so she could mark her class' work and gave her an old handbag of mine so she could pretend to be a teacher. She loved me buying the same pens that her teachers used and she used her Magna Doodle and Aqua mats as white boards.

She also liked playing with small change 1p,2p and 5pm's

I have an August born son and my advice is education is a marathon not a sprint. There will be kids in her class who are 25% older than her so it's unfair to compare at this moment in time.

Set a good example. Let her see you reading, writing and she will be more likely to copy. Let her see you work out the change in a shop or getting a 1p, 2p, 5p to make 8p for the self service machine. She might not understand yet but she'll see the point of things. Let her set the table. If you're a family of 4 and there's only 3 forks in the cutlery drawer, how many does she need to get from the dishwasher l?

If she's tired from school read to her. If she doesn't understand send back the work with a note saying that it's too hard. Making it a battle will turn her off school.

FWIW my August born son was below average in y2, average in y6 but predicted A* equivalent in some GCSE subjects. His writing was atrocious until y5 when it suddenly clicked and he is top sets for some classes.

I'm not saying that you don't need to do anything because sometimes there are SEN that need outside help but make sure she's up to date at the opticians and take her to the GP if there's any chance that her hearing is compromised.

I feel so much less anxious after reading these replies.

There has been some fantastic ideas for incorporating what they're learning at school into games, and I guess as long as I have something to write about in the homework diary that is enough to evidence we're doing stuff at home.

I've definitely found it an eye opener about how much kids are expected to know (and do know) in reception. Mine are doing lines of cursive letter practise that I was doing in year 2 at school, and apparently by the end of the year they're supposed to write a sentence!

Sorry forgotten the name of the poster who wrote about school expectations at a high performing school - yes this rings very true and was my main concern when I selected this school. I defiantly need to ensure building her self esteem is the most important thing and she isn't left feeling not good enough.

It doesn't help that she's a complex character - feisty and stubborn, with quite a surreal imaginative world but also painfully shy. She's amazing but Its hard for new people to get to know her as she takes so long to warm to people. And she's got the constant comparison with her twin who is keen to please and very confident.

Oh sodding Christmas cards! I got DD2 to write one, scanned it in and printed it and glued it into all her cards - and she's in year2! Writing's incredibly hard for her because of her dyspraxia and we're trying (and succeeding) to keep it as not a battle ground and as a result she's keeping her own diary in beautifully neat (for her) writing rather than exhausted pissed off scribble she was doing before we took the pressure off!

I go into her class a lot - I KNOW most of the kids' writing (the joys of filing lots of work and matching the unlabelled work to the child) and it sure as hell wasn't some of them writing the "childlike" writing in their Christmas cards!

Bloody hell my DS's handwriting is still awful and he's Y3. Don't worry about it at all. Even in Y1 most of them in both DC's class had awful handwriting - completely illegible. There was a huge variation which began to reduce in Y2 and by Y3 some of the slow starters are overtaking some of the kids who could read and write already in YR. (At least for the eldest youngest is still Y1).

I'm loving and terrified by the Xmas card stories. What madness that you could be arsed and care enough to forge Xmas cards?!

Im not sure if the baseline tests start this year or next but then the school's progress with be measured from just starting yr r to yr 6 SATs.
So those starting yr r exceeding would be expected to exceed later too. Which is a bit umrealistic because they could have been really pushed before school and ready to learn then find by y6 the work is very difficult. Or vice versa

My ds really struggled with reading and writing in reception..then in year one, it just seemed to click and he really turned a corner. They are so little in reception...just think a few months ago, they were three years old...absolute babies. It's unbelievable so much is expected of them.

She is a summer born so you could always start her again next September when she is compulsory school age. My dd is a Aug born and started the year she turned five. I Don’t regret my choice. She should be in year one now but doing nicely in reception instead

My Dd was 5 in October. Her homework is a card with x6 3 letter words to read, swapped for the next one mid week. She currently sounds out the letters correctly then usually gets the last letter wrong when blending, kind of rushes and guesses e.g. C.o.d sounded correctly then she'll say cat! Just saying for comparisons sake.