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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

How to tell her her son is annoying?

92 replies

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2020 14:52

Ok, slight dramatic title as I would never actually say that
My son is in Y6, there’s a boy in his class (3 form entry so big school) who DS has been vaguely friends with all through school but not especially so, call him B. I know Bs mum quite well, she’s lovely and so is B but he’s quite quirky. She recently spoke to me at a social event and was very upset about how B is being bullied and told me about a few incidents, which were awful and I really felt for both B and her
I spoke to DS about it and asked if he was being nice to B, he said that he didn’t join in the bullying but that him and his friends did run away if B approached. I said that wasn’t very nice and he said that B was really “annoying” and listed some things he did such as coming up behind people and singing in their ears or trying to hug people or squirt water at them.
Nothing major but I can see why the other dc don’t really want to play with him, although obviously bullying isn’t ever justified
Bs mum has asked me if DS can go to his house and if I can encourage DS to play with him, she says she can’t understand why B gets picked on so much
Should I try to gently explain that he annoys the other dc? I actually really like B, he’s very funny and chatty but I suppose I don’t have to put up with him 5 days a week. DS has point blank refused to play with him, but did give him a xmas card when nobody else did and has promised to be kind, although he says that if he speaks to B it might make him think he wants to hang out with him and he doesn’t.

OP posts:
Dutchesss · 08/01/2020 23:22

To be honest it sounds like your son is bullying B. I wouldn't tell your friend her son is annoying, that would be very hurtful. All 10 year old boys can be very annoying in their own way and he doesn't sound out of the ordinary.
The bit where you said:
if he speaks to B it might make him think he wants to hang out with him and he doesn’t
sounds like awful behaviour from your son and I would working on that with him.

Milbo · 08/01/2020 23:26

Your son is bullying B. Running away from him and excluding him is bullying. I’d deal with that before anything else.

Onceuponatimethen · 08/01/2020 23:26

I really feel for B

I’m sure the other children are all sometimes annoying but this really does sound like the poor child’s social immaturity is leading him to be bullied

I would and have asked my child to include a child behaving like this and have explained that sometimes people don’t realise when things annoy others. Your son could say you’re welcome to play football with us, but please don’t shout in my face eg

Onceuponatimethen · 08/01/2020 23:26

I would speak to teacher to raise concerns about the class’s treatment of B and ask how teacher thinks best for you to approach this at home

GreenTulips · 08/01/2020 23:27

Tell B’s mum you don’t get involved in DS friendship choices. Say he’s not keen on a play date and leave it there.

Lollygaggles · 08/01/2020 23:28

This could be about my son who presents exactly the same behaviours and has no friends. It's nice that your son is kind to the other boy. Flowers

Herpesfreesince03 · 08/01/2020 23:29

I don’t think your son is bullying him at all. It sounds like b is just an unlikeable person. He must have some idea how his annoying behaviour is driving people away. It is a shame your son doesn’t want to be his friend, but it’s not bullying to not want to spend time with someone you don’t like

Onceuponatimethen · 08/01/2020 23:31

Doesn’t sound like he’s being particularly kind? Only giving an Xmas card and not actively bullying

MustardScreams · 08/01/2020 23:31

Your son is a bully. What are you going to do about this?

Onceuponatimethen · 08/01/2020 23:32

Herpes, in my experience the behaviours happens because children like this don’t know how to connect socially in an age appropriate way. They don’t always know why others dislike the behaviours

YappityYapYap · 08/01/2020 23:34

B isn't hurting anyone here so you need to explain to your son that as he grows, he will come across quirky people and running away from them is not the answer. Instead of running away from B, 10 year old to 10 year old, he could say look B, I think you're nice but it makes me jump when you sing into my ear and it's probably the same with others. If you stopped doing that, I think everyone would get along a lot better.

That way you're teaching your son to approach people in a respectful manner and B will learn that his behaviour is a bit irritating and will hopefully tone it down.

This sort of thing terrifies me. I have a 3 year that is starting school nursery next week and he is non verbal. He is being assessed and is scoring 15 so very borderline on the ASC front. It scares me that he won't be able to come home and tell if someone has picked on him but I feel a bit better knowing that it's nursery and the kids are not really left to play independently. I don't know how he will be though and I really do hope that if he does become quite quirky, he will be accepted because at the end of the day, no is being hurt. Plenty of people at my work annoy the shit of me but I am kind and respectful towards them and include them. That's the way life is

daffodilbrain · 08/01/2020 23:36

Stop it! OP's son is not bullying B. But I imagine doesn't want to get treated like B does and probably hasn't got the maturity to manage or deal with it any other way given he's only in yr 6. I'm sure if the OP had any clue her DS was bullying she'd a) deal with it b) certainly wouldn't post in here!

Forcryingoutloudwtf · 08/01/2020 23:39

I don't think your son is bullying him. He doesn't want to hang out with someone who shouts in his face, hugs him all the time and squirts water at him. I wouldn't want to either. I would make sure he is polite to him but I wouldn't force him to hand around with him.

BlankTimes · 09/01/2020 00:36

B is struggling with social communication with his peers.

He wants to play with everyone else but doesn't know how to approach the other boys in a way that's acceptable to them.

OP, tell B's mum what he's doing and ask her to teach him how to approach other kids, how to socialise, how to interact.

Some kids 'get' all the social nuances seemingly by osmosis. Other kids like B are gauche and need some help, lots more help than you'd think, they need all the unwritten rules of communication explained to them in very short simple terms.

School should also be told so that they can also help B to socialise with the other kids. Currently he's blundering in and getting it very wrong and everyone's tired of him doing that, but they don't have the insight to know he can't help it.

Has he always been like that?

Herpesfreesince03 · 09/01/2020 00:40

@Onceuponatimethen in that case I wonder if the op is brave enough to broach it with the mother without her getting offended so she can work with her son on him recognising when he’s being annoying. Tbh the teachers should be picking up on this at school really

katy1213 · 09/01/2020 00:59

How ridiculous to describe your son as a bully - it's up to him who he chooses to befriend. The other boy needs to be helped to tone down his behaviour if he wants others to find his company acceptable. And yes, it might be kind to drop the hint to his mum.

avamiah · 09/01/2020 01:14

My daughter is year 5 ,and 10 next month and she and her “friends” are always falling out every other week .
Her school has “anti bullying ambassadors and school counsellors so any disagreements only last for a day or two .
It sounds to me that the new boy is just trying to make friends and anxious and the school should pick up on this very quickly.

WhatsInAName19 · 09/01/2020 01:15

I'm not going to label your son a bully without more details, but I can imagine that B feels that your son is just yet another kid who treats him badly. Your son is ostracising him and when he engages in this kind of thing (running away when B approaches) as part of a group, then it becomes even worse. This behaviour is unkind and unacceptable. If this were my child I would be addressing it very quickly and stamping it out.

I have a zero tolerance approach to stuff like this, actually because of a child who sounds eerily similar to B in your story. The child (let's call him J) that I knew was in my class at primary school. He was good natured but quirky (to use your term), and viewed as annoying by many. He suffered the exact kind of ostracism you are describing. My family moved away but we kept in touch with friends which is how I know the rest of the story. When J moved up to secondary school, he struggled more than ever because there were kids from other primaries who didn't know him and were even less inclined to put up with him or actually get to know him at all. Eventually there were kids who actively severely bullied him (telling him to kill himself, physically assaulting him etc), then the vast majority who did things like exclude him and refuse to socialise with him, then just a couple of proper friends. Eventually, when he was just 13 years old, J killed himself at home. He was a very talented musician, an extremely clever boy, and most of all he had a good heart.

Although everyone likes to point the finger squarely at the kids who hit and kick, call names, play vicious tricks etc, I think the ones who support the bullying by going along with the ostracism and isolation of the victim play just as big a role. Maybe J could have endured a few bullies if he didn't also feel like 99% of his peers thought he wasn't worth even speaking to. Who knows.

Your son and his friends aren't obliged to put up with being screamed at, hugged against their will or any other intrusive behaviours. But they are old enough to understand that some people require patience and understanding. That when someone is struggling to fit in, the kind thing is to help them. They should also be old enough to understand that sometimes when people feel left out, disliked, unhappy or are suffering from low self-esteem, they can behave in strange ways as they desperately attempt to find some way to relate to people. Your son could explain to B that he doesn't like the shouting/hugging etc but that he'd love for B to join in with their game of X, Y, Z if he can knock those things on the head. I would expect my child to approach this with kindness and compassion, because those are extremely important values.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 09/01/2020 02:06

I really do feel for B. But he needs to stop this behaviour if he wants to make friends. Especially the hugging. That's a massive boundary issue.

You're doesn't have to be friends with him. It is not bullying to say that they have nothing in common. Children are not toys that we can force together to do what we want. You could drag your son to a room with B. Force him in and they still wouldn't be friends.

I would go to your friend. And very kindly tell her that your son has reported some inappropriate behaviour to you that B is doing and you believe this is the route of his social issues. Suggest that if he stops this he may become more socially accepted.

nagynolonger · 09/01/2020 06:40

Your son is not a bully OP and I really can't understand why others are saying he is.

Parents are not at school to see what is happening. The adults that are should be getting involved if things are so bad for boy B. I do feel sorry for the child and his parents but the mother need to approach the school to try and sort this. It needs to be done quickly too because this lad is in for a miserable time at secondary school. Has anyone told her what the other kids find annoying about her DS?

SnuggyBuggy · 09/01/2020 06:45

I'd advise the mum to speak to the teacher for an insight into what's happening. It's better she hears about her sons behaviour from someone impartial than a friend.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/01/2020 06:49

My son was "annoying" to other kids at around year 2-year 4. We spoke to the school and a teacher watched his behaviour and spoke to us, so we knew what was going on.

We spoke to him about boundaries, personal space and how certain behaviours can annoy other kids. He got it.

He learnt to regulate his behaviour and I'm glad to say after a school move (due to moving countries), he was no longer the annoying kid.

He now has loads of friends at high school, who obviously don't know him as anything else but fun.

Speak to your friend.

Onceuponatimethen · 09/01/2020 07:41

I think if you mention it to mum there is a risk to the friendship. I know someone who was told this by a friend and the friendship didn’t survive it. Better for it to come neutrally from school who teach B social skills and the other children kindness even in the face of trying behaviour. So I would mention to the school

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2020 08:23

I’m very very confident that my son isn’t bullying B
Not wanting to play with someone isn’t bullying. He is always pleasant and friendly to B, which is what I expect from him, not to be friends with someone who he finds very annoying. B is not his responsibility and that not what my post is about. I will not be forcing him to play with B and give up his friendship group (who had has struggled to establish)
I mention the Christmas card thing because several children in the class threw the card away that B gave them in front of him and out of a class of 30 my son wrote cards for 10 of them. When I heard about this and spoke to my son about it he wrote a card for B as not many other people had.
I think his mum does know sort of, she says he will probably get “eaten alive” at Secondary but as his big sister is there she hopes he will get some help from her. Actually he gets on well with older children, my teen DD really likes him, she thinks he’s cute and funny but he tends to be more respectful to older children and not grab them etc - which makes me think he IS able to read some social cues.

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 09/01/2020 08:57

Running away from someone regularly with the whole class in a group would potentially be classed as bullying though?