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Primary education

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Original poster

How to tell her her son is annoying?

92 replies

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2020 14:52

Ok, slight dramatic title as I would never actually say that
My son is in Y6, there’s a boy in his class (3 form entry so big school) who DS has been vaguely friends with all through school but not especially so, call him B. I know Bs mum quite well, she’s lovely and so is B but he’s quite quirky. She recently spoke to me at a social event and was very upset about how B is being bullied and told me about a few incidents, which were awful and I really felt for both B and her
I spoke to DS about it and asked if he was being nice to B, he said that he didn’t join in the bullying but that him and his friends did run away if B approached. I said that wasn’t very nice and he said that B was really “annoying” and listed some things he did such as coming up behind people and singing in their ears or trying to hug people or squirt water at them.
Nothing major but I can see why the other dc don’t really want to play with him, although obviously bullying isn’t ever justified
Bs mum has asked me if DS can go to his house and if I can encourage DS to play with him, she says she can’t understand why B gets picked on so much
Should I try to gently explain that he annoys the other dc? I actually really like B, he’s very funny and chatty but I suppose I don’t have to put up with him 5 days a week. DS has point blank refused to play with him, but did give him a xmas card when nobody else did and has promised to be kind, although he says that if he speaks to B it might make him think he wants to hang out with him and he doesn’t.

OP posts:
stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 09/01/2020 12:53

But they've tried telling him to stop his behaviour.

As a parent I would now not give a damn about how B feels and be solely focussing on teaching my child that their right to privacy and boundaries is paramount.

If I were you Op I would also go and speak to the school. Mainly from the point of view that I don't want my child putting up with this anymore.

KidCaneGoat · 09/01/2020 12:56

If you’re good friends with the mum then I’d try to say something. You could say you’ve spoken to DS and that he’s noticed a couple of things, like the hugging that the other kids don’t like. In an extremely tactful and compassionate way of course. If my DC was doing something like that that made the other children not like him then I’d want to know. And I’d rather it came from someone who I knew cared about him.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2020 13:02

To be fair I don’t need to address Bs behaviour towards my son, he’s not really bothered. He doesn’t dislike B he just doesn’t want to play with him, which he would probably say about 50% of his year group!

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 09/01/2020 13:12

Agree with:-
@GreenTulips

"Tell B’s mum you don’t get involved in DS friendship choices. Say he’s not keen on a play date and leave it there."

HomeMadeMadness · 09/01/2020 13:14

As a parent I would now not give a damn about how B feels and be solely focussing on teaching my child that their right to privacy and boundaries is paramount.

That's just cruel. You shouldn't teach your child to be so selfish and unpleasant. It sounds like OP's son isn't ay more than irritated by B's behaviour.I think it's fine to mention to the mum that B may need some help with how to approach other kids. I'd also mention it to the school. Often kids with poorer social skills will feel lonely and left out so end up resorting to attention seeking silliness which makes matters worse.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 09/01/2020 13:16

I shouldn't teach my child that they have absolute rights over how and when to be touched?!

NewNameGuy · 09/01/2020 13:18

If I were B's parent I would want to know so I could help him to be less annoying.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/01/2020 13:24

Is this going to turn into one of those threads about how we should heap crap on kids to "teach empathy"? B needs a patient competent adult to help him work through this, it's not the responsibility of his classmate. The OPs son isn't a TA, it's not realistic to expect him to do this.

HomeMadeMadness · 09/01/2020 13:29

I shouldn't teach my child that they have absolute rights over how and when to be touched?!

No one is suggesting you should - don't be OTT! Kids touch each other all the time and it's fine to teach kids to say no. The fact that this kid is irritating and over steps boundaries does not mean his feelings don't matter. I would encourage myDS to understand that this boy just doesn't know how to join in and I would expect him to be kind - not running away and excluding him the second he merely turns up (although it's fine to say no to him doing anything irritating). That said it seems like B needs the help of a teacher at the school to build social skills and find a friendly child to approach - OP's son won't be able to solve his social issues (although if he's kind to B it might help his confidence).

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 09/01/2020 13:31

I never said his feelings don't matter. I said they wouldn't matter to me when dealing with this if my child came home reporting that somebody wouldn't stop hugging them, shouted in their ear, pushed them and squirted water in their face.

It's not my problem what they have or are going through. I'm my child's advocate. I would advocate for my child. It's the school and Bs parents job to resolve any issues he has. But my bottom line would be that my child has to stop putting up with this.

BlankTimes · 09/01/2020 13:42

poor B just seems to get it wrong somehow. For example, a group will be running around and squirting each other from a distance and laughing then B will just come up to one of the boys (who he isn’t especially friendly) with and empty an entire water bottle on his head - I saw this in the carpark the other day. They will usually then react badly . B is trying to join in but going over the top, so a bit of jostling will mean B coming running out if nowhere and jumping on someone knocking them to the ground ( I’ve seen this too)

This is a great example of a kid with zero social awareness, once more no teaching staff to see it. Is his mother aware?

Please OP, draw the staff's attention to B's social difficulties, he needs a lot of help before he starts secondary.

HomeMadeMadness · 09/01/2020 13:48

@ posterstilldoesntknowwhatshappening

OP has specifically said her son isn't more than slightly irritated so doesn't need an advocate. Having a child doesn't stop you caring about the rest of the world. OP's DS is fine but this kid obviously does need help. It sounds like his mum and so presumably the school doesn't understand why he's being excluded so it's appropriate to try and diplomatically tell them.

Elmo311 · 09/01/2020 14:26

B sounds like a kid i know in the family. He's so quirky, I love him but I think he can be a bit much!

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 09/01/2020 14:29

@BrokenWing has the best advice on this thread. Talk to your friend and explain it's not B, it's his actions. If you have been friends for 6 years she may not take it badly and you could actually help her and her son.

purpleboy · 09/01/2020 14:47

I also agree with brokenwing

You know how bs mum will react, but I would imagine you can find a way of telling her without it coming across as rude. She needs to know the facts so she can help b in the future. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to know so you could potentially help your child understand social boundaries?

HugoSpritz · 11/01/2020 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetItGoToRuin · 28/01/2020 14:51

@Hoppinggreen I was wondering whether you spoke to B's mum, and how things are now?

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