Teacher upset my 4 year old daughter

[Buttonmoon99]

Hi,

It was my 4 year old twin girls nativity today.

At one point during their brief speaking part one of them started pulling the head part of their costume over her face. This caused laughter from the parents (in a nice way). Anyway it carried on and because myself and husband were sat a few rows back we couldn't see everything but when I could see her again she was welling up and didn't have the head part of her costume anymore.

It turns out her teacher took it away from her which we believe caused her to get upset. A few parents said they though this was harsh and we do too. At the end of the day she's 4, she obviously became uncomfortable and wanted to 'hide' and rather then taking the costume away and upsetting her she just needed done words of encouragement.

This isn't the first time I've witnessed something like this from this teacher.

I'm thinking of saying something to the teacher tomorrow and wondered what your thoughts were?

I could understand if she was older but she's 4 years old stood in front of lots of strange faces visibly very upset and trying her hardest to hold the tears in

I don't think anyone else can help you put this in context because the same action can be a reasonable minor discipline part of teaching 4yos how to behave in public and an exaggerated and mean reaction to a distressed 4yo. It's all about perceptions and intention. It also matters how the teacher is in general. If she has a tendency to be harsh and impatient this will also color how you see this incident. If she is strict but fair, again this is a different background to what happened.

I think the fact that you've noticed concerning attitudes from this teacher before and the fact that other parents were uneasy with what they saw, to the point where they discussed it with you, would make me worry. If this teacher is impatient and harsh, talking with her won't make her see the light though, so I am not sure what to recommend. My DD had a substitute teacher for one day a week at the same age, who was so harsh most of the DC were unwilling to go into the classroom when they saw her. She only got more frustrated faced with 4yos crying and refusing to go into the classroom. I did try talking with her to suggest the DD responded really well to praise but she seemed unable or unwilling to consider this option. I ended up arranging DD's SLT for that day of the week and just avoiding this teacher altogether, but she was only there for one day during one year.

Maybe I wasn't clear in my original post. I understand that my daughter needed to be told to stop, I get that. As I said there was no disruption to other children at the time, had there been it would have been a different situation. I know my daughter and once her part was over and she'd sat down out of the 'limelight' she would have stopped as she wouldn't have felt the need to hide anymore. What upset me and my husband was the fact she was so visibly upset, yes she held the tears back but the upset on her face was heart breaking and it continued for far too long after the head dress was taken away. She's 4 not 14, this is her first experience of this and she should have been offered some comfort by those responsible for her at that time. For those telling me to stop being 'precious' a 'snowflake,' and 'to get over my damn self' well if seeing (and being advised by other parents) that my daughter was very upset and being upset myself as a result makes me these things so be it. I wanted people's opinions on this and by no means expected everyone to agree with me but I thought this was somewhere we could offer supportive and grown up feed back, some of these responses show otherwise. Thanks again for the replies.

No I absolutely don't think any teacher should be responsible for making a child of that age cry. And I understand it may not have been the teachers intention. Again I reiterate she's 4 years old and her first time experiencing this. If she was 14 of course it wouldn't be the same but she's 4!! She should have been offered some comfort. And no I am not ignoring 95 per cent of the posts

Op you sound like an awful mum! Imagine a mum actually caring and not wanting to see their child upset ignore these morons.. if you don't like the way someone makes your young child feel then say something. Jesus we spend our whole lives having to fend for our self's and having to deal with people upsetting us, why are we making our kids just deal with it when we don't have to!? Say something to make sure it doesn't happen again!

Thanks Yupimahelecopter

She should have been offered some comfort

So the play gets disrupted by your daughter distracting the audience by her fiddling about, the teacher quickly removes the object of her fiddling, and you want the play to be interrupted again by her being given, what ? cuddles and ‘there, there, never mind’ because her upper lip is wobbling ?

Many people have seen their child forget their lines - a few words, really - at a play, have to be nudged on, have to be separated from their neighbour because they are mucking about in a way that would not matter in a class setting but do in a performance. Those children may also be unhappy but the best way forward is to try and carry on otherwise no infant Nativity play would ever finish.

She’s only four but these are key learning years for how to behave In public and how to deal with what is a really very, very minor incident - she was embarrassed rather than wounded to the core. It’s a kindness to her for her future to learn some resilience in life.

OP, sound like so many other parents of your generation which is the reason so many brilliant teachers are leaving the profession. I think perhaps you need to understand children get told off, occasionally the teacher gets it wrong. Chalk it up to experience and walk away.

Alternatively teach your DC not to mess around on stage.

'you sound'

Oh suck it up! Boo fucking hoo. Your precious baby "welled up".
Fuck sake.

Some posters are OTT aggressive even for AIBU.

Surely it's even more understandable that the teacher took the headdress away if your DD was pulling it down ever her face during her own speaking part?!

I'm sure the teacher didn't mean for her to get so upset but I can see why they did it, and I'm sure your DD probably hasn't even though about it since!

Tbh these performances are part of school life so it's best your DD builds up some resilience to them anyway.

...and this isn't even AIBU.

You’re being ridiculous. Of course your daughter was being disruptive, she didn’t magically become invisible to all the other children because it was her “turn”, did she, they could all still see her.

4 year olds don’t like being told to stop doing anything. They also get upset over precisely nothing. My 4 year old cried this morning because her new coat is too new.

If you try (really hard) not to make a big deal out of it to her, then she won’t think it is either. It’s on you what she takes away from her first experience on stage.

Non issue.

Oh my goodness it's a 4 year old! You don't know the child, if the mum has reason to be upset by what the teacher did and by how upset HER child got! Then that's reason enough to meant it! If Snowflake adult teachers can't handle people worrying about their children and asking questions and commenting then they are in the wrong job!

Is there really a need for the aggressive responses to my post? Thank you to the people posting grown up supportive replies even if you disagree, I respect and am grateful for your replies. No she was not disrupting anything at the time it happened, I explained once and will explain again it was during her lines therefore not disrupting any other children. Had she been 6, 7, 8 years old etc it would have been a different situation. She would be older and more equipt to deal with these situations. To the person saying would I be worried about upsetting her if she crossed the road in front of a car, what an absolutely ludicrous comment to make. This was my first post on here and last. I incorrectly thought Netmums was a place of support and solidarity and for those of you posting like adults even if you disagree I'm not including you in this but for those of you responding in childish, aggressive and plain nasty ways you should be ashamed of yourselves. I'm a Mum that was upset at seeing her daughter upset. This was my first experience of this situation too so yes you could say I'm learning. She is by no means wrapped in cotton wool, she is encouraged to do things herself and we understand that she will be upset in life and needs to learn to accept and cope with life events that are challenging but at 4 years old this was not the case. To those of you replying to my post in the negative name calling, aggressive ways may be ask yourself if this is how you would teach your child to respond to this situation. Again thanks to those that responded nicely even in disagreement

AIBU tends to be this brutal OP, but this amount of vitriol is uncharacteristic for other parts of the forum. Maybe people are feeling the stress of the holiday season or maybe they are just arseholes.

I can't see what the teacher did wrong?

This is not Netmums.

I think you are overreacting a little bit about tge play. She might have been upset but it wasn't enough to make her cry so I'd leave it tbh.

If you have ongoing concerns about the teacher than that is a different problem and you might want to ask some questions to see if you have the whole picture. It is ok to tell children off for certain behaviour, but if there is more going on than that you should have a conversation about it.

With all due respect to your daughter ‘welling’ up, I once made a child sob hysterically, to point where they made themselves sick. It lasted bloody forever. I had asked them to stop wiping their snot over the classroom wall. Four year olds are not known for their emotional resilience and your daughter was likely more overwhelmed by the whole event + the teacher removing her headdress. But by all means complain (please do, in fact) - you’ll be an excellent anecdote in the staff room for the exhausted teachers and you’ll be ‘that’ parent. It’s good to know who to avoid.

LOL at the hyperbole!

The teacher taking the head dress off the child and upsetting her is fine but a smile and a hand on her shoulder for reassurance would have disrupted the whole play for all of the other children!

The other parents telling you they could see she was cross speaks volumes. She could have been nice and she chose not to be. There's very little you can do about about it. Children soon get a handle on which teachers are nice and which aren't. You DD will learn to expect this sort of behaviour from her but will also learn that other staff are kinder and more thoughtful in their interactions.

I'd pick your battles. Sure the situation could have been handled differently. You can't complain everytime something small happens, you'll quickly become that parent.

I'm my dc was doing something similar in my care I'd have done the same. She was causing a distraction so that distraction was removed. Absolutely standard response!

Clangus00 thank you for your response. Not childish, aggressive or bitchy at all. I assume you're a parent being on this site, is this how you would teach your children to speak to people?