Year 1. We don’t like our daughter teacher and we aren’t alone

[Nicola1892]

My eldest daughter is in year 1, she’s very sensitive and takes everything literally and this is where the problems have started. Her teacher seems to be taking a lazy approach and punishing all the kids when one causing a problem. I know she’s young but she has had a “Boyfriend” who we met with his parents before they both started reception and they are adorable together, they play, hold hands and draw each other little heart pictures. We are friends with the parents and to us it’s just part of growing up and harmless. BUT..... due to another little girl playing 2 boys against each other and causing them to have A fight her teacher Has said no body is aloud girlfriends or boyfriends. I know they are young but my daughter was absolutely heart broken and straight away she turnt into a nightmare at home for about 2 months. (She’s normally a angel) on Monday she also told me her teachers said she’s not aloud a best friend but instead she should play with everything. Whilst this sounds okay, it’s not. My daughter doesn’t play well in a group as she’s very shy and prefers to play with 1/2 people at a time. Now she has told me a lot recently she has had nobody to play with at lunch/break and has been sitting alone on the buddy bench as she’s not aloud to play with her friends or her BF. It’s all sounds so silly but she is very very upset and it’s causing a lot of issues with her behaviour at home. I’ve tried speaking to her teacher but she’s just doesn’t care about my opinion and how her actions are causing my daughter distress. I just want my little girl to be happy and not feel lonely ☹️ I’ve spoken to the deputy head and head recently about this/bullying but they don’t give a shit! Her teacher just needs to retire already as us parents really are getting fed up with her

@FamilyOfAliens

I wasn't the one who said "some schools have a policy". Although unless OP is lying then some schools do say you can't have a best friend - which seems a bit ham fisted to me but unless they actually prevent children having close friendships and playing one on one I wouldn't get my knickers in a twist over it.

This is the problem with mumsnet - I agree OP's original post was hysterical and overly dramatic but lots of us can be when we're worried about our child and some of her concerns are genuine. Now this entire thread has turned into a witch hunt with most people trying to stick the boot in and not even try to offer constructive advice. Many of these posts are plain nasty.

Its standard to punish the whole class for one child

This is definitely not standard (unless we're talking about something very minor like a 1 minute while while "we can't go out to play until everyone's lining up nicely"). Most primary teachers accept this is bad practise. In Y1 there will be children who for all kinds of reason struggle with behaviour and punishing the entire class serves no purpose but to isolate that child and lessen the impact of authority on the other children.

Nom
I think the OP is mixing up genuine concerns with "things I don't like" and getting her priorities wrong.
It's not that uncommon to find a parent annoyed about one thing (usually a non issue and one that can be easily solved with a quick chat) and then they stew and add in any other events, blow them out of proportion in a bid to add weight to their original issue.

We see it a bit, for example, someone night be annoyed about their child being in a certain class. It's really a non issue but would be solved with peace of mind really easily through a chat. But by the time the parent has mulled over it, suddenly the teacher can't plan, the other children are disruptive, the seating plan means friends sit near each other and bulky their child, the child gets no help and so on and so forth. Most of that is usually not the case at all.

I've also seen parents on social media be very keen to push the boyfriend girlfriend thing, and even offline talk about kissing their girlfriend goodbye, hugs and kisses etc, lots of photos together with "young love" etc. So I'm not surprised if some of the upset is caused by parents pushing exclusive or intense friendships.

The OP, in my opinion, would be best to step back, calm down, list her real concerns with reasons and then seek a sensible conversation with the teacher.

"13 kids in the class and 3 teachers. " why do you want one particular teacher to retire when there are three teachers who presumably enforce the same policy?

PrincessHoneysuckle - Not cute, she thinks it is "adorable" a 5/6 ffs!

Although unless OP is lying then some schools do say you can't have a best friend

One school. And I’d be very surprised if they actually said the words “you can’t have a best friend”.

I’ve come across the “no best friends” thing a few times, so I don’t see any reason to disbelieve OP.
I would also say that 13 in a class could be great, but it could also be pretty claustrophobic. Are there other things about the school that you really like, or would changing schools be an option? What about outside school? Does your dd do any activities? Just thinking that could be another avenue to friendships.

The thing is, some kids are determined to have a "best friend", and their parents often push for this as well, but said "best friends" can feel incredibly suffocated when they are not allowed to have other friendships as well. This happened to my dd at primary school, and I saw the intense stress that it caused.

DD didn't know how to tell her friend that she wanted to be friends but not "best friends" - she tried but the message just didn't get through. I thought about talking to the child's mum, but knew her to be quite a drama queen so decided against it. I therefore spoke to the teacher, who spoke to the whole class about the importance of playing with different people and not having exclusive friendships.

I guess what I'm saying is that it might not be a school policy as such, but rather an attempt to deal with unhealthy friendships that have developed within the class. Some children can be incredibly possessive and controlling of their "best friends", and what might look like a really sweet, close friendship from the point of view of one parent might look totally different from the point of view of another.

@LolaSmiles

I think the OP is mixing up genuine concerns with "things I don't like" and getting her priorities wrong.

I absolutely agree and I imagine the teacher's unwillingness to offer more support for OP's DD could easily be because OP marched into a meeting demanding her DD is allowed to have a boyfriend at 5 years old and the meeting became completely derailed. I think that's why it's important OP gets proper advice rather than dismissing her entirely. She probably needs to repair any damage done to her relationship with the teacher and distinguish between non-issues (the boyfriend thing being one which could be dealt with by talking carefully with the DD at home) before approaching the teacher again with real concerns.

The best friend thing could also be a misunderstanding. It may be just the label "best friend" the school is avoiding as it can lead to arguments/possessiveness - especially in such a small class. I can't imagine they ban the kids from playing 1 on 1 or mainly playing with one friend over others. I know in my DC's class if two kids are particularly close they certainly don't stop them but might for example engineer situations where they're not paired together to make sure they don't become overly reliant and make sure they are able to play with others too.

I also agree with @AlexaShutUp that the label "best friend" is often pushed for at home. A lot of the "best friends" in my eldest's class were actually the children of mums who were good friends and were told that they were best friends too. It's also something adults ask a lot. My son was constantly asked who his "best friend" was and I think he began to feel a bit rubbish for not having one. I do think some children naturally prefer to play in smaller groups or with mainly one friend though. Even then I think it's fine and probably better not to call each other best friends.

Funnily enough, my dd (now 14) does have one friend who she is particularly close to, but neither of them use the term "best friend" and they both have loads of other close friends too - many in common but some separate. Neither thinks that they have any "rights" over each other and they don't get jealous/fall out if either spends time with other people. It's so much healthier that way!

Exactly, I think describing each other as best friends definitely is unnecessarily exclusive and sounds like you have rights over each other. I'm guessing the school just wanted to avoid that kind of dynamic arising (and all the arguments when best friends "break up") and are probably fine with the kids having close friends.

I get that sometimes there are problems with bullying and exclusion that need adult intervention but do kids really need this level of management when it comes to friendship?

Telling my daughter she can’t play with who she wants to play with is not okay!

Maybe they don't want to play with her. As she sounds quite clingy the teachers are doing it for her own good and to widen her friendship group. Also, consider the other children. Perhaps they feel that your daughter is too possessive of them and won't let them play with others.

Children at that age (and older!) don't remember everything a teacher says or forget the nuances e.g, You CAN play with your best friend but it's also really good to make many friends and play with others as well/instead. I've known teachers tell year 5s that they shouldn't have BFs and GFs at that age but really one would hope it was said with a sense of humour. It's really worrying though when your child has relationship issues/worries and with 13 in a class, that's not a lot of friends to choose from, presuming it's mixed sex so I understand why you want it resolved.

My daughter is nearly 10 and neither jer nor any of her friends have ever had a boyfriend! They're in a mixed school and st yimes the gurls discuss "crushes" but that's pretty much the extent if it. A child of 5 wouldn't even be familiar with the term! Very weird

OP it would be very unusual for a teacher to tell a child they couldn't play with someone unless there were specific reasons. You need to have a calm discussion with the teacher and find out what those reasons are. It could be the other child feels a bit stifled and has said they want a break or it could be the teacher said something along the lines of "instead of having one best friend I want you to be welcoming to anyone who wants to play" and your daughter misinterpreted what was said.

If the teacher literally said you can't play with X because she's your best friend and that's not allowed anymore then yes that would be a silly policy and I would have serious doubts about a school that enforced such a policy that but it's not clear that's not the case.

The boyfriend-girlfriend thing is silly too - yes kids can have friends who are the other gender and pretend playing boy and girl friend but if your daughter was so involved in this pretence that she was upset over what the teacher said months later I'd be really concerned about why she was so over invested in the game.

@XelaM Actually DC go to a school with mainly very innocent kids but they all had "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" in reception. The teachers apparently had to tell the kids to stop kissing in the classroom! By Y1 they had all forgotten about it and were horrified it ever happened. Luckily it never caused any issues but if it had and the school had stopped them playing it I really wouldn't care.

What a brilliant teacher. I've never heard of parents encouraging one exclusive friend before tbh. Especially in infants it's important to make many friends.
You will need to take her out and H.ed if you don't agree with the teachers at school. Or you could always go private, but teachers do seem to know what they are doing being qualified and trained.

The boyfriend thing is very sensible of the school. I'm not sure why you're unhappy with that. Not sexualising small children nor encouraging cliques can only be a good thing, surely?

Are you basing the rest on just what your daughter says? Kids aren't always entirely truthful.

Where has OP gone?

To be fair the boyfriend/girlfriend thing sounds a bit OTT and contrived. It’s probably only a thing because you as the other parent have made it one. I understand you want your daughter to be happy but it sounds like you yourself are getting overinvested in quite a bit of childhood silliness. You need to take a step back and let your daughter grow. If she struggles with groups/ is overly attached to certain children I think the teacher is right to help her overcome that. In the long term, what you’re doing is holding your daughter back and not being as supportive as you would like to think.

Prince George & Princess Charlotte’s school has the “no best friends” policy too.

devereux to ask other people til she finds some that agree with her. Or to the papers

That level of staffing in that small a class with that extreme of inappropriate and violent behaviour - maybe it’s a special school?

I’m sorry she’s sad but I do agree with others that helping her to be resilient and make lots of friends is better than trying to drive up bad feeling towards the teacher.