Reception child - negative parents evening

[mebeforeyou]

DS is 4.9 years and in Reception. We went to the parents evening last night and the teacher had pretty much nothing positive to say.

Sorry if this is long but I just wanted to give the broader picture.

Negatives:

• Group time on the carpet - needs frequent reminders to focus and keep still. When asked a question during this he whispers the answer and won't speak louder. The teacher said he is shy but must speak louder and learn to share his ideas and experiences. DS said he can't speak louder because there are too many people around him.
• Phonics - doesn't seem to be grasping this very well at all, and is obviously guessing some answers.
• Fine motor skills are not good, and his name is barely legible when he writes it
• Loves the Lego, construction activities and the outdoors but very little interest in drawing/painting which are the activities which will really help his fine motor skills
• Behaviour has improved but still not quite where it should be (sometimes knocks over other children's Lego/wooden tower creations, or pushes)

Positives:

• Nothing, aside from saying 'pleasure to have in the class' mid-sentence when telling us about one of the negatives above. It came across as a classic 'this is what you say to all parents' so it seems pretty meaningless
• Plays well with the other children and has made a wide circle of friends

The teacher then gave us a form on which to write why we are proud of our child following the parents evening, and this was to be read to each child today. We had nothing to write so DH made up some rubbish. The upsetting thing was you were to put these forms on top of your child's folder in their classroom and so you can see what all the other children's parents had written. Without exception they all had statements such as 'so proud you are doing so well...', and 'so proud you are trying your hardest to do...', and 'so proud that your teacher said you are doing your best to learn to read..'' etc.

We had absolutely nothing positive from the feedback we received to write anything like what all the other children's parents had. I'm so upset and feel like my child has been written off as not having even one positive attribute.

The teacher recommended we get phonics flash cards (now ordered), and get him doing Plah-Doh and drawing/painting (has all this but only has sporadic interest), even if we have to bribe him to do it.

DS has excellent speech and a wide vocabulary, and nursery told us several times that he is a bright child yet he is coming across as anything but at school. We read a minimum of 4 books per night, and then sing nursery rhymes/songs. He absolutely loves books but is not that interested in learning to read them when we try with the books he brings home. I have also ordered some more of those wipe-clean books to practice activities for learning to write.

What else can we do with him at home? He did so well at nursery and had a really good end-of-nursery report - sat well at group time, they said he had good fine motor skills towards the end of this time there, freely talked to the teachers there, but school are not impressed with any of his abilities at all. While of course we need to know where issues lie so that we can try and address them, I'm so sad and upset for him

Carry on as you are and in your position, I would book another appointment with that teacher and feed back to her what she made you feel.

It's NOT acceptable.

Your DS is 4! I remember similar with one of mine...she was shy too and instead of saying your DS must speak louder and learn to share his ideas and experiences she should be telling you what SHE is doing to help him!

And giving you some ideas too.

With my DD what helped her a little was playdates with her classmates...inviting them over after school for a play. Also, having her pay the shopkeeper when we went shopping...or encouraging her to ask the waiter for what drink she wanted etc.

This teacher sounds incredibly negative and needs reminding that you're human!

Please please please - with the kindest of intentions - chill out. Remember we all choose to hear what we choose to hear. The gushing parents have chosen to hear their kids are amazing. Remember the teacher told you he is a pleasure to have in class and he has made friends. That is fantastic after just a half term. He sounds like a very typical reception aged child. No mega worries. Let him play Lego if thats what he likes doing. You read to him which is great. Does he read his school books? (My kids started with books with just pictures no word, then went onto CVC words....if your son is doing this great. Of course he guesses some words - I do that and I'm very old.) It doesn't sound disastrous to me. Give him a hug and tell him how proud you are of him.

MumDiva well...we all hear what we hear! And OP heard a lot of negative statements and by the sound of it, not much advice to go with it!

OP...in relation to the fine motor skills, if hes not interested in Playdoh and painting, you could try him with gardening...planting seeds etc. Also make him some boxes of interesting things...get about 5 little boxes and fill them with random bits and bobs. Let him play with and sort the contents.

One box should be natural items such as pine cones, acorns, pebbles and so on...another could be all small plastic lids or similar...another, nuts and bolts. I guarantee he will like that. Lifting, counting, sorting...will all help his fine motor skills.

You could be describing my son! DS has parents' evening on Thursday and I'm sure his report will be very similar... I hope someone comes along with some helpful advice but in the meantime, I just wanted to say, you're not alone!

DS is great at learning letter sounds but his writing is very poor and he doesn't seem to be grasping blending phonics at all. He's also very bad at focussing - I've been wondering if he has ADD/ADHD. I don't know if it's too early to think about that yet though. I'm also struggling to support him well at home - he's very resistant to doing writing practice or reading practice, I suspect because he doesn't have much confidence. We recently downloaded some phonics apps to work on his fine motor skills and his phonics, but so far his blending hasn't improved. Like you, it's really making me sad, as he's a lovely bright little boy - wide vocabulary, friendly, knows loads, great at maths (but of course they're not really doing maths yet so he can't shine there either).

I’ll go against the grain

He sounds dyslexic and dyspraxia

Bright and under achieving
Won’t speak out in class
Finds reading difficult

All the elements - look it up

Sounds like a very typical boy under 5 to me. Easy for me to say, but personally, I would not be making phonics a chore at this stage. Assuming you're not in Scotland, he's only been in school, what about 9 weeks or something. It's fine for him not to have mastered this yet.

I teach English at university and the number of kids who are put off reading by having it forced down their throats too early is a crying shame. Play a long game. I'd stow the phonics cards for now. Get them out in the New Year, maybe. Right now, interest him in stories, rhyming, talking, fun stuff to do with books. Get him motivated to learn.

Some practical suggestions:

• do you have a theatre near you that does children's productions, even panto? Get him along to that.
• read some exciting books with him. Magic Faraway Tree series might be good at this age.
• play some rhyming games like making up cheeky songs/ he has to find a rhyme.
• if he likes it, show him AlphaBlocks on the iPad, but as entertainment, not 'now learn your letters'.

And then just relax. People inc kids tend to sense when you're stressed about them not doing something you think they should, and they often start to resist. I really wouldn't start with phonics cards at this age.

....That said, I think Green may possibly be correct but if it were me, I'd watch and wait with that in mind, and not go diving in just yet.

Green ridiculous. He's 4! Far too soon for that. My older DD who is now 15 was even worse than OP describes. By the age of 12 she was speed reading Stephen King and Dickens. She's 15 now and in no way dyslexic. She couldn't read when most of her class could...her writing was terrible till she was 8! It was not legible.

He's a pleasure to have in class, and has a good set of friends. Please be proud of him and you for getting a 4 year old who is sociable.

FWIW, my oldest never volunteered to pick up a pen/pencil/paintbrush. Yes, his writing is pretty rubbish, but he excels at other stuff. Playdough, cooking biscuits and pastry and bread, hama beads or scissor work will all help with the fine motor stuff. If he likes outdoor stuff, would he write /draw in chalk on the pavement, or paint a wall using water?

Keep in touch with the teacher, and enjoy your child.

tbf, dyslexia and dysgraphia went through my mind, and I didnt type it out because of his age. How are his gross motor skill??

Sounds like a normal child of that age to me. As you have written it down I can see several positives that the teacher has stated. If that were my child I would have been proud of the fact that they make friends easily and have clearly enjoyed their time playing at school. Honestly, I'm with most PPs - RELAX. You have let the "negatives" stand out.

Also don't let ANYONE diagnose your child over the Internet. You just observe your own child over the years and bring up and concerns you have.

I wasn't there, but is it possible you're overreacting. You've listed at least four positives that the teacher mentioned:

Pleasure to have in class
Loves Lego, construction and the outdoors
Has made a wide circle of friends
Plays well with other children

Why could you not have used any of that to write on his card?

Of course as one of the youngest he may struggle to pick up phonics and hold his attention for as long as the older ones so I'd be looking for some strategies to try to improve these as well as the fine motor skills which the teacher gave some suggestions for.

Honestly, it doesn't sound THAT bad...

You've also added some positives into the negative list. Be honest with yourself here - are you the sort of person that's a bit more "glass half empty"? (Not saying that to be horrible, just saying it maybe so you could reframe you're thoughts if that is perhaps the case?)

He sounds very much like most 4.9-year-old boys. I would not be worried at all about the negative comments. In fact, that teacher needs to learn the art of the 'shit sandwich' way of giving feedback. Every parents evening we have ever had for my teen included the fact that he is quiet, doesn't contribute much and is a pleasure to have in the class. I don't think he will change now, however, he is very bright and does well at school. He just will never be the first to put his hand up, ever.

I would have written "so proud you play nicely and have a big group of friends." As a parent of now older children, you cannot underestimate the power of friendship and popularity on confidence and mental health. The academic stuff is fairly insignificant and irons out.

My ds1 (now 14) had a similar parents evening in Reception which was also a surprise. However, unknown to me, he was also being bullied and was highly sensitive to the fact he was not where other children were academically. He did not sure his name to the end of Reception and could sure nothing else. He became a shadow of himself through reception, not sleeping, having melt downs. I saw the ways the teacher spoke to him and it wasn't nice but he was my first and I thought she could do that. It was when my other kids went through school and had no issues that I realised how tough it had been on him. He is average now academically. He'll get 5-7s in GCSE (high c to low a), but his confidence and self esteem has never fully recovered. He slso still struggles socially and in friendships. So yes, be very very happy about his friendships.

I'd say, have a bit of focussed time daily. Phonic cards, maybe just do one a day (focus on mass to start) and perhaps make it fun like he has to find it hidden somewhere or there's a teddy holding it every day at breakfast. Don't overwhelm him. You can point out simple, phonic words in books like 'mum' in monkey puzzle and get him to find them once he's seen it a few times. Pencil control, I'd do colouring of his favourite characters, you can even colour it together. Kids live spending time together. Find colouring pictures on internet and print off. He can choose the picture. Use felt good not colour pencils as these are easier to see and more fun. Also praise him a lot for doing these activities. Get him to count peas by picking them up individually (helps with pincer movement plus counting). Maybe have a race as to who can get 10 peas in a cup first, picking one at a time. Everything should be fun and low key so you don't put him off but equally you can push a little bit.

Honestly it is easier to pick up and remember the negatives than positives. It sounds as if she made good suggestions as to how to develop the skills he is finding tricky. It is probably too early to determine if he is either disinterested or not yet developed fine motor skills (he may be ahead of others in other areas and then catch these up) or has any underlying issue such as dyspraxia or dyslexia. However there are useful activities on the Dyspraxia Foundation website to support this - writing in wet sand with finger or stick, playdoh, bubbles, lego, puzzles, finger exercises etc. How are his self care skills such as dressing with buttons and zips, toileting, toothbrushing?

Please ignore posters trying to diagnose your four year old on the Internet, it's appalling behaviour from them.

In response to your op, I don't know why you and your husband felt you had to make some rubbish up. There was plenty there. So proud of how he makes friends and plays with thr other kids, how he tries so hard, how good he is with Lego, how he is developing his writing, how he is trying to share his ideas in class, so many things to boost his self confindence and belief.

So agree re MH @MerryMarigold. My husband came back beaming from the last parents evening. Feedback was that any teacher would be happy to have him in Y10, and that he makes good choices with regards to friends. Very positive feedback for a teen.

He is a 4,year old boy. It is far too early to be worrying. Go easy on the phonics flashcards. Make it a game eg put 3on the floor at the other end of the room and run and find 'th' as fast as you can and run back. Make it as though the emphasis is on the speed of running and the phonic recognition incidental

Sounds like a typical 4 year old to me. There is a reason that other countries don't start formal education until 6 or 7. Presumably that is the age that the majority of children are ready to begin formal learning in earnest. 4 year olds, and even some 5 and 6 year olds are not designed to be sat still in a classroom. Unfortunately we have to put up with it in the UK because that's our education system, but we don't have to buy into it.

Let him be a kid and play at home and give him life experiences some of which in turn might help his fine motor skills. For now let school deal with phonics and maths etc. They have 6 hours a day to do it. That should be enough.

I speak as a Mum of a 5 year old DD who is behind in phonics and maths at the moment and refuses to engage with school work at home. I'm not going to make her. I'm confident she'll catch up eventually and in the meantime we read books together and play games that will support her understanding of language and numbers without her realising.

You don't know whether the other parents have made up stuff to write about their child's achievements either.

The run up to Christmas is a good time to practise some of the skills, making decorations such as paper chains, decorating cards and baubles, baking biscuits and sweets etc as gifts for teacher and friends or party food.

In my experience, some teachers are gushing (“she’s amazing”, “she’s fantastic at x”) and you only get the meat on the bones at the end (“....just a little thing and nothing to worry about, but her maths needs x, y and z”). Others are far more pragmatic and will assume that you don’t need to be told how wonderful you’re child is and will focus on areas for improvement (which all children have) - hence they will start with the “x, y and z in maths” comment.

It sounds like your teacher is in the latter camp. I personally prefer that style; sounds like you may not. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that she did say many things which sounded very positive about your son, so please try not to worry too much! He sounds like a lively, popular little boy and one to be proud of.

.... your child! Bloody autocorrect....

Oh please don’t bother making Sensory boxes. They’re for babies

I agree with posters above OP, it doesn’t sound like anything to worry about and there are lots of positives. He sounds like a golden boy at nursery- I had one too and it was a bit jarring not to hear how wonderful she was when she started school. Has he settled in well? It’s only the first half term, give him time