Reception child - negative parents evening

[mebeforeyou]

DS is 4.9 years and in Reception. We went to the parents evening last night and the teacher had pretty much nothing positive to say.

Sorry if this is long but I just wanted to give the broader picture.

Negatives:

• Group time on the carpet - needs frequent reminders to focus and keep still. When asked a question during this he whispers the answer and won't speak louder. The teacher said he is shy but must speak louder and learn to share his ideas and experiences. DS said he can't speak louder because there are too many people around him.
• Phonics - doesn't seem to be grasping this very well at all, and is obviously guessing some answers.
• Fine motor skills are not good, and his name is barely legible when he writes it
• Loves the Lego, construction activities and the outdoors but very little interest in drawing/painting which are the activities which will really help his fine motor skills
• Behaviour has improved but still not quite where it should be (sometimes knocks over other children's Lego/wooden tower creations, or pushes)

Positives:

• Nothing, aside from saying 'pleasure to have in the class' mid-sentence when telling us about one of the negatives above. It came across as a classic 'this is what you say to all parents' so it seems pretty meaningless
• Plays well with the other children and has made a wide circle of friends

The teacher then gave us a form on which to write why we are proud of our child following the parents evening, and this was to be read to each child today. We had nothing to write so DH made up some rubbish. The upsetting thing was you were to put these forms on top of your child's folder in their classroom and so you can see what all the other children's parents had written. Without exception they all had statements such as 'so proud you are doing so well...', and 'so proud you are trying your hardest to do...', and 'so proud that your teacher said you are doing your best to learn to read..'' etc.

We had absolutely nothing positive from the feedback we received to write anything like what all the other children's parents had. I'm so upset and feel like my child has been written off as not having even one positive attribute.

The teacher recommended we get phonics flash cards (now ordered), and get him doing Plah-Doh and drawing/painting (has all this but only has sporadic interest), even if we have to bribe him to do it.

DS has excellent speech and a wide vocabulary, and nursery told us several times that he is a bright child yet he is coming across as anything but at school. We read a minimum of 4 books per night, and then sing nursery rhymes/songs. He absolutely loves books but is not that interested in learning to read them when we try with the books he brings home. I have also ordered some more of those wipe-clean books to practice activities for learning to write.

What else can we do with him at home? He did so well at nursery and had a really good end-of-nursery report - sat well at group time, they said he had good fine motor skills towards the end of this time there, freely talked to the teachers there, but school are not impressed with any of his abilities at all. While of course we need to know where issues lie so that we can try and address them, I'm so sad and upset for him

My son was viewed very negatively by his infant school too, and I let it get to me, just like you OP. Now he's 11 and doing really well in secondary school, growing in confidence every day and I am so proud of him.

Parenting is a long game. You knew he was great before he started Reception - he's still great. Teachers are sometimes blind to a child's good points if they are frustrated by one or two negatives, but the negatives don't define him and they won't be problems in his life forever (he's definitely going to be speaking up for himself and able to write his name by the time he's 25) Just love your boy, cuddle him and tell him why you're proud of him every day and he'll grow into the amazing young man he's destined to be.

I would have been pretty upset with that report OP.
I don't think it's a problem that his fine motor skills are not yet up to the level to write his name or that he's guessing his phonics, or speaks quietly. Did the teacher make it sound like they were issues that need to be addressed, or just telling where he was on the 'expectations' thingy?

More constructive would have been to say "Johnny hasn't grasped phonics yet, and that's OK, but maybe that's something we can work on together" or "we'd like him to be able to write his name by the end of Reception, so we'll keep an eye on his fine motor skills".

He's not even 5! Such high expectations.

I do feel for the teachers though. They are expected to get all the kids to level whatever even though they must see that some are just not ready.

I could tell my son hadn't quite grasped reading when he was sounding out C A T on one page and then completely forgetting it by the next. If he'd been able to just ditch the book for a couple of months he would have been more ready. It's a bit like learning to ride a bike. Wait until the child is ready to take the stabilisers off and they'll get it in a day, do it too soon and you'll be breaking your back holding them for days and days.

But I'm not a teacher.

We had a similar experience. Have been focusing on colouring at home to improve pen control. I've found that decorating the picture afterwards with stickers etc... is something lo loves and has really motivated him to do more colouring just so he can decorate it afterwards. Don't get disheartened - they're still so young and settling in.

If he loves books, that is a really positive thing. Learning to read, when he's ready, will be easier if he already loves stories and being read to. Keep doing that and don't worry too much about the phonics cards, which sound worthy but deathly.

Teacher sounds a bit miserable - should be more encouragement in there. But you know what she's like now - ask for more in your next parent evening as some pps have suggested.

Sounds like the teacher has given specific advice on things to work on, it's not negativity. Book an appointment in February/March for an update.

My son is year 1 now but last year he got exactly this kind of feedback. Was painfully shy - and his class had some very boisterous children in it who overshadowed the others a bit. He also struggled with some of the work. This year his teacher said he is absolutely a pleasure to have around - he clearly does just prefer being quiet and likes doing what the teacher says - he isn't a naughty child and his reading / writing skills have improved so much during the year that he's on track to exceed expectations by the end of the year.

All of my children were relatively quiet in school, I have one who left with amazing GCSE grades, and another on track for them in her GCSE's next year.

Please don't be too concerned literally 9 weeks into his primary school life. School brings out their personalities and their skills at different rates and being kind and able to get along with people is a skill all of its own

He’s very little and while the suggestions for what you can be doing at home seem reasonable, did the teacher actually outline the strategies they are using to encourage and support your son?
It sounds as though you got a list of complaints and a list of action for YOU. This does sound like a normal little boy who is settling slightly more slowly than some of his peers and a teacher who hasn’t particularly warmed to him. Try not to worry. He probably just needs a little time. Take her advice and perhaps think of some things he might enjoy more than play dough (decorating cakes or biscuits perhaps).
You have to continue to do business with this teacher until July though so think of some ways to handle future conversations with her. Rehearse a little in your head. Something like “of course we would like to support DS in a way that is consistent with the school. What support do you offer him when he is nervous to speak out loud?” The answer is probably ‘nothing’, but she won’t be able to say that. He isn’t the first 4 yr old to find the classroom intimidating and he won’t be the last. Creating a supportive classroom atmosphere so that he can find his voice is her responsibility. She is the expert. What is she doing to help? You would like to really understand the strategies they use at school so that you can support them at home.

Sounds pretty normal to me. It's mostly settling into the routines of school and learning through play in foundation.
I wouldn't worry about phonics or maths just yet. Unless the teacher is suggesting he is very much behind expectations?
My boy refused to read to me or write with me at home. He's in year 1 now and is cracking on with it.
I do still have to bribe him to do homework though.

It sounds like she's trying to tell you what to focus on, but I have to say sounds a bit shit in contrast to my son's teacher, who has done two parents' information evenings now with a wealth of ideas about how to improve the things you just talked about, and for which I am newly appreciative. Some ideas she gave us that might help you:

• comics and non fiction books often appeal more to boys
• when my son resists reading the school books, I make up nonsense stories about him and his friends and batman, using basic words (they really are nonsense - batman went to the top of the hill, he had a black hat etc etc)
• games like I-spy, reading words when out and about, letters in the bath, reading road signs
• writing lists- Christmas lists, party invitee lists, shopping lists
• my son loved writing spells at school for Halloween, that seemed to really engage him
• if you can get them enthusiastic about trying to write anything, don't correct them - you want them to want to write without always thinking they need you to help them, it doesn't even have to look like real letters, as long as they are engaging with the idea of writing
• triangular shaped pencils help with pencil grip
• pens can be preferable to pencils when they are still weak on pencil grip as they can't maintain the pressure needed for a pencil
• sometimes their core strength is letting them down, get them writing/drawing whilst lying on their tummies as it helps stabilise them
• dot to dot, colouring in
• Lego absolutely is good for fine motor skills, not sure why she said it wouldn't be.

She also said that boys in general are later with language development, as they learn their gross motor skills first. I really don't think your son sounds out of the ordinary at all, by all means support him, but I'd also perhaps just write her off as a bit of a misery guts, and would expect him to pick up a lot of what she's saying he's missing in due course!

Bless him! Sounds exactly like my ds. Unfortunately the system favours the well behaved (usually female) student and the boys get mushed into the pigeon hole. Don't worry, he'll catch up.

The teacher will have had to assess each child on every point in a tracking sheet like this www.primaryresources.co.uk/foundation/docs/devmatters_tracking… · DOC file
so reports and parent teacher consultations will be based on these points. Most children start Reception pretty secure in the 30-50 months level and will be working on the 40-60 months level. The Early Learning Goal is what is expected at the end of Reception, not now, but it is what they will be working on. I can't speak for the way in which the teacher expressed herself but these are the statements that will be guiding her. It might help you to have a look and see what is expected (by the Powers that Be not the teacher's personal opinion) at each stage.

It is also true that Reception teachers tend to think the Nursery staff have over assessed at the end of Nursery, the KS1 teachers think the Reception teachers have over assessed and so on and so on.

The other thing our teacher said (I really am very appreciative of her having read this thread) is not to push them so hard they are put off. I actually would not be recommending flash cards and wipe clean books if there's a danger of him already being disengaged by school. She repeats a lot that it's very hard to undo resistance once it's been built. I'd focus on building fine motor skills and interest in reading and writing in ways that he already wants to- so, Lego, writing lists of Lego presents he wants for Christmas etc etc. But try not to stress, he sounds perfectly normal!

Op try not to worry. I’m a huge book lover and read with and to dd from a very young age. She started reception and showed little interest in reading and ended reception year on ORT red level books which was well behind what she was capable of.

I was so frustrated that at home she could do X/Y/Z but at school she seemingly couldn’t or didn’t want to. We ended up relaxing completely and went back to basics with her, playing board games, lots of craft, lots of nature play etc and took her to the library to choose her own books and then every Friday after school we went shopping and she chose a book to buy.

Year one she was a different child. Flew through seven reading levels and is now in year 4 and is one of the brightest and most able children with no issues at all.
I’m guessing you’re pretty academic yourself? I was and think I expected the same of my then 4 year old. I was putting unnecessary pressure on her with all of the reading and wondering what everyone else was reading etc.

It will all come in time. I’ve always believed it’s right to “play on their strengths and work on their weaknesses” and find out where their passions lie. Dd’s Is arts and crafts and History and she is slightly weaker at maths than English so push her more in maths.

I wouldn't be worried just yet. I'd rather hear my little fella struggles with phonetics than with friends. You can't teach social skills. That's fantastic feedback I think. I was put in a special group for maths when I was about 8 and ended up with the highest grade in my leaving cert at 18. I would be careful not to make him into a self fulfilling prophecy with regard fine moter skills and phonetics.

Disford, that's so great what was said at parents evening. Yes, my ds1 is always well behaved now he's learnt how to sit still! (No detentions which is unusual for y9!!). Ds2 who is academically very very bright and a model pupil to y4 struggles now in his behaviour (just an air of arrogance which some staff don't like it or answering when not asked or being aggressive in sports matches). His parents evenings are gradually getting more worrying whereas ds1s have gradually got better and better.

encourage Lego play for the motor skills, read to him at bedtime, but some kids sit for carpet and some don't.

The teacher said herself that he's got a wide circle of friends and he's a pleasure to have in class. I would say that's a great report. You have a sociable boy.

Didn't read whole thread as in a rush, but two points I'd like to mention:

• fine motor skills - at this point, focus also on upper body strength, because that is really a pre-requisite for holding a pencil and guiding it across the paper properly. So, send him onto those monkey bars and climbing up trees, all in the name of improving his writing!

• can't talk louder because other children are close/all around him. This strikes me as peculiar. My DS at that age took everything he was told very literally, so 'everyone go to the toilet now as afterwards we'll have carpet time and you won't be allowed' lead him to wet himself on the carpet rather than asking to go to the toilet. Has someone maybe told your DS something about 'not shouting when someone is close to you' at some point? Like: "Please don't shout, I'm right next to you" or similar. And he has internalised that as a rule, so when asked to say something during carpet time, he is in an impossible situation, where the teacher asks him to do something (speak loudly) that is in direct contradiction to something she has asked him to do previously (don't speak loudly when near other people, it hurts their ears).

It could be anything, but I would try to get behind what it is that makes him say he 'can't speak loudly because there are children close to him'. Maybe some of the children said he had an odd voice? Maybe somebody in the past has laughed at him for speaking loudly? Maybe someone has told him he would get into trouble for speaking loudly? What is behind that statement?

I dont think that is that bad.
Though i would bear in mind that at 4.9yo he is already the age some kids are assessed for the end of eyfs in may of yr r. The Aug borns.

Also until you get to school and even then, it is unclear how much other people have been doing with their kids.
Round here most seem to be able to cycle before school., are swimming etc. So naturally if you have not done (or been able to fit in) all this other dc will be ahead in some things. Likewise, some kids will have learnt their phonics at 2yo from apps. Some will have done 0 preschool and others since 1yo so up to 4 years with huge differences in time spent there.
Also learning numbers/letters and to read is a skill you only need once.
Some kids ahead of yours with reading or writing may have no comprehension or imagination.
I would prefer my dc to have those skills as that is what we are assessed on. Same with maths would prefer understanding over basic arithmetic you could use a calculator for

My ds was “working on being more consistently sensible” at that stage. Couldn’t sit still. Loves the construction corner.
Now in p2 loves reading so it’s not held him back.

For fine motor control put some really tiny lego in his santa list. The age 7+ stuff. It’s great for following instructions too even if he does need an adult to sit with him at first.

What I have read, I think teacher is not as negative as you think. If he likes lego, let him play a lot. It will help develop fine motor skills. If reading 4 books a night(!) doesn't improve his love of reading, you may not be doing something right. If he has excellent speech and vocab, why is it not coming through at school? There are so much in the comment that may improve his attainment, don't take it as negative, think positive and appreciate teacher's suggestions? Sounds like he has such a good potential.

OP the teacher said positive things about other children so could it be possible your child isn't behaving very well at school?

It's great that he already has a wide group of friends, you should be very proud. The rest will come I'm sure.

I very much doubt the other parents had a glowing report they probably just took more of the positives from it. eg. "Jemma is really struggling with letter recognition but we're trying XYZ with her" Her parents say "I'm so proud you're trying so hard with your letters".

Without exception they all had statements such as 'so proud you are doing so well...', and 'so proud you are trying your hardest to do...', and 'so proud that your teacher said you are doing your best to learn to read..'' etc.
They probably all heard similar to you.
You've listed above several positives you heard. Couldn't you have turned one into "I was so proud to hear about your wonderful Lego models." or similar.

And having sat through many parents' evenings: Those that gush about how they're wonderful at this that and the other are lovely, but a complete waste of time. The teachers who have the confidence (and it often is a confidence thing) to say "they need to work at this, because it is an issue" are generally far better because it gives you a much better picture of your child.

Witchend, so agree with the confidence thing. One parents evening DH and I walked in, and my dd's teacher said: she's perfect! Oh ok then, that's helpful. I then said: I'm a bit worried about her spelling. Cue: oh yes, that is something she could work on... Blah blah blah.