Reception child - negative parents evening

[mebeforeyou]

DS is 4.9 years and in Reception. We went to the parents evening last night and the teacher had pretty much nothing positive to say.

Sorry if this is long but I just wanted to give the broader picture.

Negatives:

• Group time on the carpet - needs frequent reminders to focus and keep still. When asked a question during this he whispers the answer and won't speak louder. The teacher said he is shy but must speak louder and learn to share his ideas and experiences. DS said he can't speak louder because there are too many people around him.
• Phonics - doesn't seem to be grasping this very well at all, and is obviously guessing some answers.
• Fine motor skills are not good, and his name is barely legible when he writes it
• Loves the Lego, construction activities and the outdoors but very little interest in drawing/painting which are the activities which will really help his fine motor skills
• Behaviour has improved but still not quite where it should be (sometimes knocks over other children's Lego/wooden tower creations, or pushes)

Positives:

• Nothing, aside from saying 'pleasure to have in the class' mid-sentence when telling us about one of the negatives above. It came across as a classic 'this is what you say to all parents' so it seems pretty meaningless
• Plays well with the other children and has made a wide circle of friends

The teacher then gave us a form on which to write why we are proud of our child following the parents evening, and this was to be read to each child today. We had nothing to write so DH made up some rubbish. The upsetting thing was you were to put these forms on top of your child's folder in their classroom and so you can see what all the other children's parents had written. Without exception they all had statements such as 'so proud you are doing so well...', and 'so proud you are trying your hardest to do...', and 'so proud that your teacher said you are doing your best to learn to read..'' etc.

We had absolutely nothing positive from the feedback we received to write anything like what all the other children's parents had. I'm so upset and feel like my child has been written off as not having even one positive attribute.

The teacher recommended we get phonics flash cards (now ordered), and get him doing Plah-Doh and drawing/painting (has all this but only has sporadic interest), even if we have to bribe him to do it.

DS has excellent speech and a wide vocabulary, and nursery told us several times that he is a bright child yet he is coming across as anything but at school. We read a minimum of 4 books per night, and then sing nursery rhymes/songs. He absolutely loves books but is not that interested in learning to read them when we try with the books he brings home. I have also ordered some more of those wipe-clean books to practice activities for learning to write.

What else can we do with him at home? He did so well at nursery and had a really good end-of-nursery report - sat well at group time, they said he had good fine motor skills towards the end of this time there, freely talked to the teachers there, but school are not impressed with any of his abilities at all. While of course we need to know where issues lie so that we can try and address them, I'm so sad and upset for him

A few things rang alarm bells in your post & im wondering if your DS is hypermobile at all?? Check out "the beighton score" to check.

Teachers sounds awful as there's much there they should be helping him with, but good speech, etc with poor writing skills could be down to hypermobile habds making grip difficult & painful, cause headaches etc. MyDD was like this & never mentioned to pain too us as she didn't know that it wasn't normal. Tge fidgeting at carpet time would also fit this & he should be in a chair as sitting in tge floor will be bad for him if he's hypermobike. Anxiety is another symptom so would cover his inability to speak up loudly when answering a question in front of the class. My DD has hEDS & she ticked all of these boxes in reception/year 1. Her teachers were much more positive & helpful though

First parents evening I had with DD2 in reception the whole gist of it was basically "lovely girl... never going to be very bright" and I think I did mention to the teacher that I thought she'd been well-fooled by DD2 who was pin sharp but surrounded by an aura of dippy obliviousness. I really really was so upset and pissed off at the teacher... by the end of the year I rated that teacher as one of the most superb classroom teachers I've ever seen and she would admit she'd been initially a bit suckered into DD2's masterful "awww she's lovely - I'll just do that bit for her as she seems to be struggling" bone idle routine! Future teachers were heavily forewarned not to fall for the same trick!

By the age of 12 she was speed reading Stephen King and Dickens

Good for your DD

Lots of capable dyslexics can read and write and get diagnosed at university - it’s not all about reading

Perhaps GreenTulips but she's not Dyslexic. I'm saying that some children are just not as fast as others to learn to read and write. Just as some aren't as good at sports, socialising, dancing, drawing or eating.

There's no hard and fast rule as to how long a child takes to learn these things. They've all got natural strengths and weaknesses. My youngest was slow to learn too...she's fine now. She was however incredibly fast to learn to speak in sentences and has always been very good socially.

Her friend D was good at reading and writing....but not so good at socialising. I know that Dyslexia is something that gets missed. But not all children who struggle have it.

She does sound negative but we weren’t there and you do mention several positives. Personally, I prefer a list of ‘here’s what we could work on’ rather than ten minutes of telling me how marvellous my child is. I know that, I don’t need external validation. I would rather the teacher used the time constructively to tell me what he’s not that good at.
DS1 is hugely hugely academically capable. He’s 7 and can do Y6 maths with ease. Writes complex stories, reads voraciously, plays two instruments. BUT the best teacher he’s ever had (in Y1) looked at me and said, ‘you know he’s bright. But actually his fine motor skills are dodgy and his handwriting suffers. And his scissor skills are surprisingly weak. So go back to basics, play with playdoh and make him do lots of cutting and pincer work.’ Then she pointed to the maths books and said: ‘he knows his stuff, but he rushes. He needs reminding from you as well to slow down and write neatly and check what the question asked.’ English: again, he’s great but sometimes he wants to finish rather than extending himself so here is XYZ we can do about this.

Is she negative to him? That’s all that matters. As long as she is kind and inclusive to HIM but gives you feedback on what his weaknesses are, that’s all that matters.

Teacher doesn't seem particularly helpful but I would suggest seeing an educational psychologist or behavioural specialist for reassurance. They may be able to suggest specific things to work on. Occupational therapy would be hugely helpful too to work on fine motor skills and strength. The problem is as he starts to fall further behind, it may affect his self-esteem and that's tough to build back up again. Things like push ups (against a wall), swimming to strengthen shoulders, reading while in plank position will help strength to add with fine motor skills too.

Goodness me, he’s only 4. FOUR! I live abroad in an international community and the Brits are literally the only nation who put this much pressure on little kids. The Americans and most Europeans don’t even teach kids to read until 6 or 7. It’s madness.

He sounds like a perfectly normal 4 year old. He’ll be fine.

There are positives in the report, perhaps not the ones you was hoping for. We all like to hear amazing things about our children however the most useful for developing them is to hear the negatives.

Take the feedback as things to develop and work on them. I am always thankful a teacher has taken time and had the confidence to tell me points such as that.

Relax! He sounds like a perfectly normal four year old boy to me. Don't pressurise, go with the flow. He'll be fine. He's sociable & making friends - that's a huge positive for a four year old. The academic stuff & the concentration will come in time. Honestly, I really don't see that report as negative. I've had three boys who've all taken their time to settle in properly when starting school & have got there in the end. It'll be OK.

This is why our school system is so shit. In so many other countries kids don't start school like that until they are 6, with proven better outcomes. At 4 he should be playing and learning through play not worrying about bloody phonics.
I'm sorry you had a negative experience. I think expectations are high at first parents evening too so try not to worry. There is some good advice on this thread so hope it helps.

You are doing so many things right. He sounds like a typical 4 yo boy. So what if he can’t write his name or struggles to speak up in class at the moment. He’s 4!

My friends ds would have been described similarly. He’s doing very well at school. Enjoying secondary.

Some of what you said in the negative should be in the positive. Lego promotes fine motor skills btw. Maybe what the teacher said was a bit much for you to take in as a first parents evening. Be glad she’s so aware of who your ds is and cares about his progress. You sound very anxious.

No wonder so many teachers are leaving the profession with some of these comments. Ffs.

OP's son's teacher has flagged some areas of concern. Yes, OP's son is young (though he's 4.9, not just 4. so almost 5) but the teacher has concerns. She sees a lot of children and so has a good base to compare to and is highlighting that OP's son is not keeping up in certain areas. Surely the teacher is in a better place to judge than strangers on the internet?

As a parent who does have a son who is crazy bright but still has trouble with fine motor skills at 10, having concerns raised early is a great thing and the sooner acted on, the better. What's the worst that can happen? If you find out the teacher is wrong and your son has no difficulties, well and good. On the other hand, you may identify some issues and get your son the support he needs.

I understand the desire to reassure a worried parent but sometimes there are issues and, in those cases, early intervention can be hugely beneficial.

This is why sending my son to school scares me. He is also shy and I know he will find it difficult to settle particularly with such high expectations. Honestly op he sounds lovely and totally normal. Continue to do what you do but don't force him to do anything he doesn't want to, this will put him off school and learning completely. I'm a teacher and can't believe how much negativity this teacher gave at a first parents' evening. Really shocking and unfair. I was educated in a different system and went to school, learnt to read etc at age 7 and did very well in my exams. I really think children develop at such different rates, particularly at such a young age. Maybe ask to speak to the teacher again and express your concerns with how negative she seemed and ask for more advice about how to help him. I bet she was having a long evening and actually has a lot more positives to give you as well.

It’s really hard for kids to sit on the carpet for very long at that age. I’ve been in year one classrooms where kids have struggled with the formalities of carpet time, group times and other things like lining up. Reception is a sort of preparation for more formal education but people often forget that and expect far too much! It’s hard for under 7’s in school these days and Britain’s education system is really questionable! (I’m British).

His teacher lacks parent skills! She has made you feel negative about your son’s behaviours which all fall under the normal bracket for his age and development! He’s too young to label as shy too, if he wasn’t shy at nursery he’s probably just feeling overwhelmed in reception.

I wouldn’t rule out special needs yet, there’s possibilities mentioned above on this thread which are possible but not necessarily the case. It’s good to keep an open mind though and make you just never know! However he’s still just a pre-schooler and expectations should be adjusted accordingly.

I’d request another meeting with his teacher and discuss your feelings about parents evening and ask her/him to clarify a few things. Be more defensive, you know him better than they do!

I have a DS in year 1 and a DD in year R

My DS is November born and DD is a June baby. I have had to completely readjust what I expect from my DD in class and it’s quite liberating. I just remind myself that at the age my DD is now my DS was still at preschool.

They will get there and the less pressure I provide will make sure I’m not turning her off of learning.

Also year R is all about playing and learning through playing.... it’s year 1 when they actually have to start properly doing phonics etc.

Just relax and enjoy reception.

Oh my, as others have said, he sounds like a normal little boy with lots of positives! He’s 4! We put so much pressure on children far too early. I’m an early years teacher and I’m quite appalled at your son’s teacher for being so negative.

Phonics - he’s maybe just not ready for sounds yet, that’s ok! Don’t force it and put him off, just have fun with lots of rhyming stories, nursery rhymes, making up rhymes, using the initial sound of his name/others eg “Connor caught kittens in the cabin” “Mummy mixes mini muffins”

Fine motor - erm, Lego helps fine motor skills! All those wee fiddly bricks! He needs to develop gross motor first, lots of running climbing, rolling, sliding etc. You need core strength for writing. Children tend to have poor core strength due to lack of physical play, slumping watching TV/tablets. If he’s not sitting still for long he’s maybe just not ready to. Fine motor can be developed alongside with things like squishing playdough, squeezing sponges, pinching pegs, threading beads.....again don’t force it but things to work all those hand and arm muscles. Chalking on the ground/vertical surfaces.

And I’m appalled at “he needs to speak up” maybe the teacher should be aware of developing his confidence and gently encouraging?

If he can make friends and has interests then that sounds a great start to build on. Try not to compare him to others, every child is different and bloom at different times. Honestly, I’ve had children for whom things suddenly seem to click when they’re closer to seven and they thrive. It’s not always about getting ahead early and staying there.

Many others have said similar but I also think you should try not to worry - he is 4 years old and has been thrown into an environment that is quite different to nursery so it's great that he's making friends and finding activities he enjoys.

The actions you've taken sound very supportive and I would continue but only light touch - these little people are already taking in so much during the school day so they need some down time.

I would arrange to have a quick follow up chat with his teacher - say to her that you've had time to reflect on what she's said and how it's made you feel plus what you are doing to help. I think having the discussion away from the pressure of a formal parents evening (first one for you, probably a tight time frame and lots of kids to think about for her) will give you chance to actually talk about it and I'm sure you'll get a better understanding.

I would also totally ignore comments about potential learning difficulties and also the progress of other children. They all come in at such different starting points and pick it up at different rates but I'm sure you're going to be amazed at how much he has learnt by the end of the summer term xx

Summer born ds who struggled with writing and sitting still in reception just needed to hit his groove a bit later. It’s fine now and he got good y2 sats.
On phonics though one thing I would recommend is the “teach your monster to read” app - it’s fun and ds now 7 still picks it up occasionally

Sounds normal, give him time and don't put any pressure on him. Great to hear he has made friends, that's essential. My sons first reception report described someone almost like a different child from my shy, sensitive and bright kid. Rough playing, ringleader, short attention span, not speaking up in class. I even got pulled in to say he'd been writing on other kids clothes and involved in pushing over kids in the playground. I think now this was part of adapting to the bigger group, finding his 'role' in the pecking order, lots of new expectations and information.

Oh my goodness I could have written exactly the same for my 4 year old boy! I was please he is recognising letters and beginning to blend sounds but was told he was behind his peers in his class!

Teachers even in reception probably have so much stupid box ticking of targets to do and such "feedback" probably stems from this. I doubt they meant to come across so negatively. It's criminal how some kids (often boys) get labelled as "a bit naughty" or "disruptive" just for displaying absolutely typical little kid behaviour. Kids develop at their own speed and have different personalities. They are people too.

Re fine motor skills, the right muscles need to be built and develop before they can come. So he is doesn't like playing with play dough, look up "dough disco" on YouTube - they use it at our school to build up the right muscles for writing etc and it's fab. Kids enjoy smashing the dough to music much more that sitting and playing nicely with it 😂

Also - what other tips are they giving you for helping with reading? Our school had a evening meeting for parents to come in and they explained how they help with reading through play and told us what games to play. Got the presentation if you want me to send it over to you? Stuff like getting a fly swatter and putting letters on the floor and they slap the letters with the seat to sound out words, drawing out a "letter garage" and driving cars in to park and sound out words... boys in particular find it easier to concentrate with physical activities.

Also there's loads of super keen teachers that put ideas on Facebook. "Mr Mc - early years / key stage 1" is a good one.

OP, I'm sorry to hear that you had a difficult experience. It's really hard when you don't hear what you hope to hear at a parents' evening, especially when DC are so little.
My DD1's first parents evening was awful, the teacher had nothing positive to say and I came away very upset. The teacher's view did not fit with the child we saw at home. We actually didn't change things at home as I felt confident that we were providing her with a nurturing environment.
DD is now GCSE age and every parents' evening since has been really positive, both socially and academically. Sometimes they just need time to settle into school, this is very early to be making judgements.

I agree with the others that say you are the person ignoring the positives. You could have written any of the same things on his folder - it’s you who thought there was nothing positive to say. I think you should relax, and make attempts to see the positive and praise your child. Good luck, I appreciate it’s not easy when you really want them to do well. He sounds totally fine to me.