Reception child - negative parents evening

[mebeforeyou]

DS is 4.9 years and in Reception. We went to the parents evening last night and the teacher had pretty much nothing positive to say.

Sorry if this is long but I just wanted to give the broader picture.

Negatives:

• Group time on the carpet - needs frequent reminders to focus and keep still. When asked a question during this he whispers the answer and won't speak louder. The teacher said he is shy but must speak louder and learn to share his ideas and experiences. DS said he can't speak louder because there are too many people around him.
• Phonics - doesn't seem to be grasping this very well at all, and is obviously guessing some answers.
• Fine motor skills are not good, and his name is barely legible when he writes it
• Loves the Lego, construction activities and the outdoors but very little interest in drawing/painting which are the activities which will really help his fine motor skills
• Behaviour has improved but still not quite where it should be (sometimes knocks over other children's Lego/wooden tower creations, or pushes)

Positives:

• Nothing, aside from saying 'pleasure to have in the class' mid-sentence when telling us about one of the negatives above. It came across as a classic 'this is what you say to all parents' so it seems pretty meaningless
• Plays well with the other children and has made a wide circle of friends

The teacher then gave us a form on which to write why we are proud of our child following the parents evening, and this was to be read to each child today. We had nothing to write so DH made up some rubbish. The upsetting thing was you were to put these forms on top of your child's folder in their classroom and so you can see what all the other children's parents had written. Without exception they all had statements such as 'so proud you are doing so well...', and 'so proud you are trying your hardest to do...', and 'so proud that your teacher said you are doing your best to learn to read..'' etc.

We had absolutely nothing positive from the feedback we received to write anything like what all the other children's parents had. I'm so upset and feel like my child has been written off as not having even one positive attribute.

The teacher recommended we get phonics flash cards (now ordered), and get him doing Plah-Doh and drawing/painting (has all this but only has sporadic interest), even if we have to bribe him to do it.

DS has excellent speech and a wide vocabulary, and nursery told us several times that he is a bright child yet he is coming across as anything but at school. We read a minimum of 4 books per night, and then sing nursery rhymes/songs. He absolutely loves books but is not that interested in learning to read them when we try with the books he brings home. I have also ordered some more of those wipe-clean books to practice activities for learning to write.

What else can we do with him at home? He did so well at nursery and had a really good end-of-nursery report - sat well at group time, they said he had good fine motor skills towards the end of this time there, freely talked to the teachers there, but school are not impressed with any of his abilities at all. While of course we need to know where issues lie so that we can try and address them, I'm so sad and upset for him

FFS, he's 4!!! He's done what is essential when starting a new setting which is make a firm group of friends- that's positive with bells on! Relax OP!!! Also, Boys have a muscle in their wrists that doesn't develop properly until the age of 6- carry on with the fine motor activities but the writing, phonics and everything else will come. Spend lots of time with him, love him for who he is and he'll shine in his own time. As for not being able to think of what to write on the sheet- I think that's a bit OTT. I would've put something like 'well done for settling into school so well and trying your best everyday'. Stop being so doom and gloom. And, this is coming from a former early years teacher.

As for those suggesting dyspraxia, dyslexia, unless they have a crystal ball (and even then it's a load of crap)- there is no way of knowing so early on in a child's formal schooling if any of these issues apply. Keep your anxiety under wraps for now and just keep an eye on your little boy.

Wow, what a dismal teacher!
Your son sounds like a lovely boy, and completely and utterly normal!

A teacher once said to me "you shouldn't hear anything that shocks you on a parents evening, if there is a problem, the teacher should broach it with you when they know about it, not save it for parents evening" - I'm not sure how practical that is, and it's just her opinion. These sound like observations, rather than massive problems at this point.

He needs help with these things, not being bashed with them - his teacher could've been more constructive. BUT, heed what she's telling you and work on them in a subtle way rather than making a huge issue of them. He's only 4!

I don't know you/him, but I'm sure there are loads of positive statements you can put in his form. I'd bloody well fill that form up with his good points, rather than his parents evening "results". He's 4!

In my experience nursery are a lot more positive/ gushing about the children than school are.

The carpet. Both of my dds were a nightmare on it. But they do away with the bloody thing at the end of year 2 anyway. They seem to train them up to sit on it and then just when it's all working we'll stop using it 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂

Bear in mind that the teacher will be looking for all the evidence from scratch rather than relying on what they've been told from nursery.

The only thing that would worry me at all from what you've been told is that he isn't getting phonics yet. It is really good that he likes books though. Loads and loads of children struggle with writing, dd2 has struggled, she just about scraped 'expected' for it though in KS1 so I'm not worried. I couldn't read anything she wrote at all until about the middle of Y1.....

My DS is a similar age and hasn't got to grips with fine motor skills either and hence shys away from art play (despite having paint, play-doh etc at home like yourself). I was told it does take some boys longer to master fine motor skills whereas they may be quicker to master the physical/problem-solving aspect of play.

Look up fine motor skills on Pinterest for ideas. Some of the things his teacher told me to work on with him is fixing clothes peg in a row on a paper, doing up shirt buttons on a teddy, joining up paperclip and threading through beads on a string (I got a set for this from Ikea and they also do a really good Easel he can practice his mark making on).

His school are going to do an intervention group for DC that need help developing fine motor skills. It's not ok IMO for a teacher to give so much negative feedback without forming an action plan on how they are you the parents can support said DC.

Sorry OP but you are focusing on the negative.
Plays well with others and has made a wide circle of friends is brilliant and is an area where many young kids struggle and their parents really worry. Social skills are so crucial.

reading you OP what struck me most was that the details you quoted were simple statements of fact. I realise there could have been a lot of negativity in the teacher's tone and phrasing but the nicest teacher in the world would be failing their duty if they didn't alert a parent to these facts.

my questions at a parents evening like this would be:
what are you doing to support these difficulties he is having?
have you asked the SENCO to observe him in class?
is this causing concern that there might be some kind of neuro diversity?
those sound like possible early warning signs of asd or adhd - obviously it is too early to tell at this age and lots of children with issues like this are actually neurotypical and have no concerns about them with a bit more maturity and learning. The danger is that for those children who do have additional needs, they can spend years being labelled as naughty/disruptive/etc before their issues are identified, and that labeling can do massive damage.

those sound like possible early warning signs of asd or adhd

I don’t see what’s so confusing. Ask parents who fight the system on their children’s behalf for years before they are identified as having a hidden disability.

By suggesting this at least eh OP had a head start if needed.

Hello. My child is exactly the same age, the same issues with shyness and a lack of concentration and interest. I came away from her first parents evening flat and disappointed. we were also told she was a lovely girl but that was it. We then got told all her failings, lack of mingling, shy, abit of a loner, only wants to do art, struggling to grasp routine. She's now lively and not listening so it's becoming an issue. I've just wrote a post on it. I wish she wasn't at school now in some ways. I do acknowledge she is doing the things they are saying, but I don't know where I e gone wrong with her. It's not nice hearing your child isnt fitting in the box with most of the others. Im so sad my child is not the helpful chatty kind kid. I feel like the teacher will be getting fed up of her soon. Some parents are told at parents evening their kids are a dream to teach. Must be nice to hear those things! I'm trying to get used to it though as it's becoming clear we've got a road ahead that's going to be bumpy

I think its very very normal parents evening for a reception child. Neither of my DS read until yr 1, both fine now. The shyness issue would bother me more. I would want to know how his teacher is supporting him in speaking more when in a group. Thats it. The rest is fine. Keep doing the reading, try some ipad type phonics games if he'll engage. (My nephew struggled with fine motor skills and playing a game called Cut the Rope on the ipad really helped)