Two school runs, not working!

[drspouse]

Last year our DCs' school which is 5 minutes walk from our house told us that DS (just started Y3) could no longer continue there. He has behavioural needs and they felt he wasn't learning.
While we felt that they could have done a lot more for him, and that they had made up their minds that he wasn't going to flourish, and he was NOT happy about moving school, we did not want him at a school that wasn't prepared to help him.
He's moved to a small village primary school 15 minutes' drive away and so far it's going well.
The school is oversubscribed and has no place for DD, and as he is working with younger children some of the time, it wouldn't be good for her to go there as she'd be in the same class as him some of the time anyway (she's in Y1, and he works in the combined Y1/Y2 class for part of the time).
But the school runs are a nightmare.

In the morning DD is booked into breakfast club every day. Probably 3 or 4 days a week DH WFH and we could in theory do two school runs. But so far we've tried to keep to the regular routine of DD up to breakfast club, DS walks with whoever is taking her, and then DS in the car to school.

DD isn't happy - she doesn't want to dash out the door early for breakfast, she wants a relaxed breakfast at home.
DS isn't happy - he doesn't want to walk up to school in the rain with DD when he doesn't even go there any more.
And we're not happy - we don't want the DCs unhappy!
This morning it took 20 minutes to get DD out of the door. DH suggested taking her later (so 1st breakfast at home, then 2nd breakfast at breakfast club) but if we put that off for 30 minutes and then she resists going out for 20 minutes, we will be late for DS school.

End of the day is not much better - DD in theory gets out 20 minutes before DS so we can take her home and then pick him up - but DH who has mainly done these days reports that the let out time is so variable that he's going to be late sooner or later, and it's a massive rush.
So we're putting one or other of them in after school clubs most days, which again DD isn't happy about - she just wants Mummy or Daddy to pick her up.
And I want to be able to talk to her friends' parents, arrange playdates etc. I have 3 families' numbers but they are all very busy/tired/non-responsive and poor DD keeps nagging me to go to X's house.

Previously someone suggested a CM but this doesn't solve the problem of DD, quite reasonably, wanting to have her breakfast at home like her brother/her parents/a normal person.

It also doesn't help with pickup as I don't think any of the CMs will be closer than school to our house - so she might as well just go to after school club! There was a lovely CM with a DC in DS' former class who actually walks past our house but she has closed her business.

At the very least, I think that, on the days dh is home, he should be up, dressed and available before it is time to get the dc up.
What is the issue between dd and dh? Does she behave like this all the time?
Is she happy and settled at school?

The issue is DD and DS not DH. DS has ADHD and is very impulsive, and if DD reacts when he's silly he finds it fun and carries on.
I've already answered most of the other questions.

I see. I am sorry I misread your post.
I have read the whole thread and tried to offer some suggestions.
I hope you eventually find some solutions.

If its 5 minute run to school then DH takes her for school start time in the days he's home and you take DS in the car en route to work / whatever way if you're not in work.

On the days Daddy has to go to work she goes to breakfast club and DS stays for afterschool club or vice versa?

As you're 5 minutes from DD's school is there someone who could do pick ups one of the days Dad works and you pick up DS then grab DD? You offer to do the same one day you don't work

Being honest, it doesn't sound like there is a solution that would please you. 🤷 You are, understandably, hung up on the school asking your son to leave. But you are giving too much headspace to your daughter's desire to have breakfast at home. It just can't happen the way she wants it right now, and that's just life. It certainly isn't your son's fault. And in the scheme of things it isn't a big deal, don't start seeing her as a victim, or as put upon.

Is it ideal? No. But it also isn't unusual so you just need to crack on unless you are willing to make a radical change such as one parent stopping work, changing both schools, moving house etc.

The only workable solutions would be taxi for one, speaking to dd's school about being allowed out promptly, formalising working arrangements to ensure you both know what days you're doing, waiting for a space at ds's school for DD.

Other than that, I don't know what you think can happen?

I had this for a while and on my office days my 7 year old ds had to go in a taxi. On days DD played up she would sometimes arrive at nursery/school in her pyjamas or lacking a shoe as she hadn't got ready in time.

I just couldn't spend my time being held to ransom by a 5 year old and then do a days work.

I know it is really hard but this phase doesnt last that long in the total scheme of things. Honest.

no, going to breakfast club every day and then after school club, is not either common or normal.

Maybe not in your school. We have 30 places just in our infant school plus CMs and an external provider offering before and after school care. I work all day with parents where both of a couple work FT, or FT working single parents, and their kids do a lot of clubs. I'm not saying it's fair or fun for DD but if circumstances don't allow, it just has to be done.

I do have an autistic child and he cannot access childcare above one session a week, so in our case work has had to flex. I think you are doing well to be juggling the situation but if something has to change then you have to look realistically at what's essential and what's not.

I understand that your did is very young, has a long day and that you feel that she often has to take a back seat to accommodate her brother's needs, and that she likes the idea of a family breakfast.

I wonder if there is any mileage in offering her ownership of the family weekend breakfasts in return for going to breakfast club? If she was given the responsibility for choosing (from a list, not a random choice) the family breakfasts, or part of them , every weekend, or choosing the venue for a breakfast out sometimes she might be more willing to give up weekday family breakfasts.

So, one week the choice might be everyone has pancakes. Or beans and sausages, or eggs cooked how they like them. Obviously the choices would have to be things that you could all eat. Make them special by having a nice table setting (she could have a couple of breakfast cloths to go on the table) , weekend breakfast mugs or plates etc.

To make things fair your DS could be in charge of choosing Friday night supper, or another family night meal.

Just a thought, your logistics are pretty difficult, so coming at it from a different angle

OP I think you have to accept that there isn't a perfect solution here that will make everyone happy.

You've said that your dd needs the pattern to be the same every day for consistency, but I would reconsider this.

I'm sure you have thought about all the options but in your situation I think I would be looking for something like

• DD goes to breakfast club on 2 set days a week. If DH is wfh on those days, DS doesn't have to come on the walk, otherwise he does

-DS goes in a taxi 2 days a week DD can have breakfast at home with no breakfast club

• 1 day a week you and DH do a school run each - he asks for this on a set day as part of a formal flexible work request. There doesn't need to be a precedent, he can be the one to set this. He can Skype into any meetings that can't be arranged for a day he is in office/able to travel

Pick ups - ask the schools if they can release dd 5 mins early/bang on time and hold onto ds for 5 mins if you are running late on the 2 afternoons you don't work and the day dh wfh. That leaves 2 days for each of them to be in ASC.

If you live so close to dd's school, are there other local parents you could befriend and arrange to drop dd round for 15 mins to walk to school together while you/dh take DS in a day or 2 a week? Or the same in the afternoon 1 or 2 days a week if the early/late pick ups are refused?

My DC attend breakfast club at school 3 days a week from 7.45 - and eat breakfast at home before they go - if dd is a slow eater can you get her up earlier?

You also seem to be struggling with working parent guilt - you don't need to. Wrap around care is something loads of kids of similar ages to your DC do - it may or may not be the norm in your dd's school but it is elsewhere. And your jobs both seem to be fairly flexible, it's just a period of adjustment for you all and accepting there is no perfect solution.

Good luck

Well sounds a case of not being able to have your cake and eat it. I suppose you just have to go with what works rather than a perfect fit.
This is the case for many families because they have to work, if this isn't best for your family there are alternatives.

We have a similar issue, moved dd to another school 30 minutes drive away. She wanted to move so not fair to put ds in any before of after school clubs because of it even though that would be the easiest solution We are dropping are ds off late in the mornings and the school will just have to live with it. He doesn’t care if he is late luckily. Pick ups would be easy if the kids actually came out and were waiting a pick up time but that never actually happens. It’s madness!

I understand you're upset and that this situation feels hopeless.

But it is what it is. You won't be able to have a perfect scenario at this point.

I'd definitely drop the "need to chat with the other parents" wish for now. For the teachers, ask for their emails and explain the situation. Then send DS in a taxi, and let DD chill at home, surely DS taxi would arrive before you'd need to leave for DS school if she doesn't have breakfast club, meaning you wave bye to DS and then you/ DH and DD can have a calm walk to school.

Eventually he might be able to stay home those 10 minutes (my 6 year old does, but of course it depends on how his special needs are affecting his maturity) or you manage to both be home every morning or whatever, and you can reinstate breakfast club and take him to school.

Or something else might change, your DD might get a friend who lives close by that she can walk with.

Whatever you choose to do now, doesn't mean it's that way forever.

You might not get to chat about the weather with the other mums this term, but that's a small sacrifice compared to what you'd all be gaining.

swatsup I had to laugh at your post, sorry, school has to "put up" with your child being late every morning, but it's "madness" that the children aren't waiting for you in the pm. Erm.....

😂 they're probably making up ground with all the late kids

DH is seeing DD school tomorrow (as they are panicking about something else) and is going to bring up pick up time and point out it's meant we've had to book extra after school clubs making her even more tired and hard to deal with at school.
I posted above quite a few times that we can't currently send DS in a taxi. He was actually sent home today (he got very anxious on a school visit and lashed out) and needs one of us to take him.
I also posted there are no CMs currently doing DD school.

Hope the meeting went well and you got a pick up time sorted!

But to all the general moaners about end of school time - 3.15 (or whatever time end of day is) is supposed to be when I finish teaching, not when they are all coated and hatted with their stuff ready to go!

Regularly dropping off DC late really is not an option imo. Twenty minutes three times a fortnight for example adds up to an hour lost... and over the term you can work it out. Plus the other DC and staff suffer from the disruption. It is not as simple as the school just having to lump it. They don't really.

Do you use visuals at home? For either or both children? It's confusing as an adult to work out your working pattern so I'd suggest you need to get a routine established.