Two school runs, not working!

[drspouse]

Last year our DCs' school which is 5 minutes walk from our house told us that DS (just started Y3) could no longer continue there. He has behavioural needs and they felt he wasn't learning.
While we felt that they could have done a lot more for him, and that they had made up their minds that he wasn't going to flourish, and he was NOT happy about moving school, we did not want him at a school that wasn't prepared to help him.
He's moved to a small village primary school 15 minutes' drive away and so far it's going well.
The school is oversubscribed and has no place for DD, and as he is working with younger children some of the time, it wouldn't be good for her to go there as she'd be in the same class as him some of the time anyway (she's in Y1, and he works in the combined Y1/Y2 class for part of the time).
But the school runs are a nightmare.

In the morning DD is booked into breakfast club every day. Probably 3 or 4 days a week DH WFH and we could in theory do two school runs. But so far we've tried to keep to the regular routine of DD up to breakfast club, DS walks with whoever is taking her, and then DS in the car to school.

DD isn't happy - she doesn't want to dash out the door early for breakfast, she wants a relaxed breakfast at home.
DS isn't happy - he doesn't want to walk up to school in the rain with DD when he doesn't even go there any more.
And we're not happy - we don't want the DCs unhappy!
This morning it took 20 minutes to get DD out of the door. DH suggested taking her later (so 1st breakfast at home, then 2nd breakfast at breakfast club) but if we put that off for 30 minutes and then she resists going out for 20 minutes, we will be late for DS school.

End of the day is not much better - DD in theory gets out 20 minutes before DS so we can take her home and then pick him up - but DH who has mainly done these days reports that the let out time is so variable that he's going to be late sooner or later, and it's a massive rush.
So we're putting one or other of them in after school clubs most days, which again DD isn't happy about - she just wants Mummy or Daddy to pick her up.
And I want to be able to talk to her friends' parents, arrange playdates etc. I have 3 families' numbers but they are all very busy/tired/non-responsive and poor DD keeps nagging me to go to X's house.

Previously someone suggested a CM but this doesn't solve the problem of DD, quite reasonably, wanting to have her breakfast at home like her brother/her parents/a normal person.

It also doesn't help with pickup as I don't think any of the CMs will be closer than school to our house - so she might as well just go to after school club! There was a lovely CM with a DC in DS' former class who actually walks past our house but she has closed her business.

@NoSquirrels How can changing my working patterns help? That would be more possible than changing DH's but given I can already do both school runs, but there's only one of me, what difference is it going to make?
The problem with DH's working patterns is the commute and the meetings. I cannot be in two places at once so I need him home in the mornings on at least 2 fixed days to make any difference?

@AnnaNimmity What can a childminder do that the breakfast club can't? It would still be long hours, and a drop off that DS has to come to.

We had a student for after school before - they were lovely but their timetable meant they kept changing the hours they did. We really need someone for half an hour every day, which isn't a massively attractive job!

@reefedsail then we never get to talk to DS teacher or 1:1 which is essential given his needs. The other school was a disaster towards the end because of lack of communication and packing them both off in a taxi or to breakfast club is not going to help with that. If he's settled in a couple of terms it might be possible but we've got to get both of them happy and settled before then.

@brilliotic the only way to skip the waiting list is to get an EHCP. DD would not get one as she doesn't have SEN. We can apply but it could be a year or two. Could be longer! It's a lovely school and very popular.

The village schools are all about 10 mins plus apart, so it would be very tight.

I really think we have to get them into a pattern as disruption does nobody any favours. Once they are settled we can see about giving them days off it but for the moment they have to be able to do it every day. It's just so unfair on DD, she's not the one who was struggling.

@yikesanotherbooboo that is quite easy to say if you don't have a child who has SEN and is only just in a new school.
I really don't see how a CM would be better than breakfast club? It would still be a really long day.

Why didn’t Ds school apply for a ehcp if they couldn’t meet his needs?

They did. He has one. They then decided they couldn't anyway and told us to look for another school. We looked at 8 schools. When we chose this one we had to get it changed to have this school named instead.

drspouse pupils at special/ specialist schools up and down the land travel in LA transport and the schools manage to have good communication with their families. As your DS has a 1:1 who has time, I'm sure this could be achieved.

We have families we communicate with 2 or 3 times a day via email and phone during tricky periods or transitions.

given I can already do both school runs, but there's only one of me, what difference is it going to make?

I’m not sure, because tbh it’s an anti confusing from the outside - I don’t really understand your working hours or pattern well enough.

But because a lot of your focus seems to be on how tight the back-and-forth is between the schools, and your hours, and the logistics of how to give both your DD and DS time at school drop-off/pick-up with a parent, it seems sensible to explore if changing an element of your hours would help.

E.g. (and I’m sure this isn’t how it would look but as an example)

Monday-Weds: DH in office, breakfast club for DD (7.30) & DS (7.45) you get to work early (8), finish at 5, pick-up from after-school clubs x2. (+3 hours gained in your working day by 8am start?)

Thursday: DH WFH, you take DS to school for 8.45, see teachers etc. You go to work 9-6 (+1 hr gained). DH takes DD to school for 9, does both pick-ups.

Friday: DH WFH ideally, but flexible if needed. Ideally DH and you split DC on morning school run but if not you do both. You WFH in the morning/go to office 9-1pm, cashing in the 4+ hours gained in the week. Ideally split pick-ups with DH if he’s home or you do both. Use this day to see teachers/catch up with school friends.

If your DH can formally change his hours and you can too, then you can get a pattern that works.

a childminder is easier on a 5 year old than breakfast club and after school club. You drop her there in the car on the way to ds's school (no walking) - she can have breakfast with the CM, relax and the CM can pick her up after school and she can relax there before you get her.

an exhausted 5 year old copes better with a CM than wraparound school care ime.

Or you and your H arrange your hours so you can do separate school runs.

You don't have any choice! You have to change something. it's not insurmountable - it's just logistics.

But I would really be pushing DH to talk to work about his schedule and working pattern as a priority.

My ds (p2) goes to breakfast club three days a week. He usually arrives just half an hour before school starts. He eats at home. They’ve stopped serving breakfast when he arrives there but he plays for half an hour.

I wouldn't be walking to and from school one and then driving to school 2.

My DC go to different schools (one at an Sen school so no wrap around care.) Although dc2 school is a 10 min walk, we can't walk there and back in time to drop dc1 at school. We leave for school at 8.35 in the car. Dc2 (5) gets left in the school playground with teacher while dc1 waits in the car, we then drive straight to dc1 school. I drop him off and then drive on to work. 1 circular journey rather than back and forth. Could this work for you?

I'm curious if you are just venting at your situation (which is very understandable) or actually looking for a solution? I ask because EVERY suggestion given you have said was impossible. It seems if you refuse to try any of the suggestions then you really are not looking for a solution and are just venting (which is fine).

@museumum that was our first thought but then DD started taking ages to get out the door so I'm afraid we'll just be late for DS school. But they may be more understanding given they know the background.

Good point though about a childminder being more relaxing. We could leave more at our leisure, park etc and DS would not need to get out of the car.

I do know that children at special schools go in taxis but I don't think that will work for us at the moment. Like I say, maybe once he's settled. It's a mainstream school and he has two part time TAs and we need to get to know them too.

@NoSquirrels I'm not sure I quite understand TBH but I can't even see how being a SAHM would help with being in two places at once! I do already work two half days to pick up the DCs but currently I can only pick up one of them each day and I can't drop them both off. I don't think there's any way I can change my work to do that owing to the issue of the space time continuum...

DH says he can ask about a fixed day at home but one day won't help and he doesn't think anyone else has one, let alone two.

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer have there been any solutions that would solve the problems? Other than a Tardis?
When people only suggest things you've thought of, it's hard to say "gosh, clever new idea".
I just hoped there was something I hadn't thought of.

@Bubblysqueak I've already explained we can't drive to DD's school as we own the nearest parking space (it's on a main road).
Ours is on an unmade private road thankfully as the residents of the proper paved roads get really fed up of the parents parking over their drives etc!

Would getting her up any earlier help? We need to be out of the door by 7.40. If dd wants a lift she has to be up by 6.45, if she has a lie in she has to walk. You could try a combination of 'well dd I will have to wake you up earlier so you have time to have breakfast and are ready on time - the other alternative is wake up later and eat at school' and 'if you are super speedy and you are completely ready INCLUDING SHOES ON, then you can watch .

It is really hard when you have dc in different schools and I really would consider using a taxi for ds and a book to pass messages then maybe ask if you could have a planned 10 minute catch up after school one set day a week when dd is in after school club.

It sounds as if you are only a week or two into the new routine so it will take time to adjust for all of you.

She might be bribable with breakfast at home.
It's still really tiring for her - 10 1/2 hours out of the house.

I can't even see how being a SAHM would help with being in two places at once!

You mentioned that your DH was able to do both pick-ups (albeit that it is tight) so I thought that would be a solution to flex that end of the day and just accept breakfast club as an inevitability for both.

You can’t do all the things you want with both ends of the day for both children if both adults have jobs that can’t accommodate it. So you need a least-worst solution not really an ideal scenario.

I don’t know - like I say I can’t quite grasp your work pattern and lack of flex for DH ... just because ‘no one else does’ doesn’t mean it’s nit possible - it just means it’s trickier. He has a bloody good case for asking, so if he can present a business-solution alongside the request then why not ask? More men should.

Could you reduce your hours/stop working? Obviously I don't know your financial situation...

Both OH and I have no option to work ft and we also have two kids at two different schools. I'm a qualified teacher but working as an HLTA so I can collect one son from school. Money is very tight as OH is a relatively low earner too but logistically it's best for our family.

Just to say on the childminder front... if you can find the right one (often very difficult I know) then it really can be like a home from home for kids. Different from breakfast / after school club as PPs have said. So yes, she is still out of the house but she is in a friendly, calm home environment still.

@RainMinusBow and @NoSquirrels DH did the pick up for both a couple of days the first week, he took a bit of AL as did I. That's how we found out how variable DD's let out time is and we quickly booked a couple of extra after school sessions (the original idea was I'd do both on my half days, so now we don't even have that).

I can't understand how working fewer hours gives me the ability to be in two places at once?
Both DCs still have to be at school for 9, whatever hours we work.
DD still has to get up for breakfast club and DS still can't stay in the house on his own and I still can't park at DD school. No matter what hours I work.

DD still has to get up for breakfast club and DS still can't stay in the house on his own and I still can't park at DD school. No matter what hours I work

But if you worked fewer hours you'd have more options: DS to school in a taxi so only DD's school run in the morning, for example.

It is almost impossible to say any of the variables without you spelling out EXACTLY what you do on each day, and even then would be tricky for anyone to correctly interpret the answer.

What your posts tell me is that you are desperately trying to make everything right for each of your children and their differing needs. Realistically, though, something has to give and someone has to do something uncomfortable.

Whether that is your DD going to breakfast club (or joining your DS's school by hook or by crook), your DS going in a taxi or doing more hours in a school club, your DH asking for a more secure working pattern or you letting go of the idea that you can give equally and fairly to each and get to know 2 lots of parents at 2 schools ... I dunno.

You do seem resistant to creative suggestions. Which is TOTALLY fair enough. And I get where you're coming from. But there are solutions - look for a mother's help or a student or whatever. Flex your hours in a way that makes sense etc.

What you can't do is be at both schools at drop-off and pick-up and split yourself between the needs of a young 5-year-old DD and an already disrupted SEN DS without radically altering your working arrangements.

When people only suggest things you've thought of, it's hard to say "gosh, clever new idea".

People are only trying to help.

I am trying to piece it together but I'm struggling. So you say the normal thing is one of you goes to work (?) and the other takes DD to breakfast club (with DS), walks home, then takes (drives?) DS to school. But also DD is missing out on breakfast at home. So are the WAH parent and DS dropping DD at, say, 7.30 breakfastless, then coming back and eating breakfast at home without her? I'm honestly not being deliberately obtuse but I can't figure out why DS has to come on the school run AND DD can't eat breakfast at home. Why can't you keep current timings but she eat when DS and WAH parent eats?

The thing is, we are almost all doing similar juggles. Loads of us have children in different schools, jobs, pick ups, wraparound care issues. In that sense you’re not as different as you think you are, and I mean that kindly!

Look, you can’t have it all your own way I’m afraid. With the ability to work from home at times for both of you, the possibility of SEN transport AND two schools who offer wraparound care you are loads better off than lots of people, but you are going to have to make some compromises still. We all do. We’d all love to be working perfect hours in fulfilling jobs with perfect school run timings and great home/school/work life balance and relationships but it just so rarely works like that, I’m sorry.

How about an au pair, and then that's an extra person on hand that can alternate school runs with you so that you can see each school/teachers on every other day, and if you had to use SEN transport then someone would be at home to meet it even if you were collecting the other one. More time at home for both children.

(sorry if it was suggested, I just realised I missed a page)