Favouritism - has anyone successfully managed to bring this up with the teacher?

[pretenddirewolf]

DD is in year 4. For the last few months she has mentioned on and off that she feels one of the other girls in her class is the teacher’s ‘favourite’ and that she is also a favourite generally within the school.

I spoke with DD about this in more detail and some of the examples she gave for feeling this way were- the girl being called on in class far more than anyone else to answer questions, being chosen to help with sought-after little jobs by the teacher or by the Head more regularly than anyone else, being chosen often for key parts in shows and assemblies and not being reprimanded in the same way as others for the same behaviour- eg, one child getting caught talking when they were supposed to be quiet resulted in a consequence, later on- when the girl was caught doing the same she was called a ‘chatterbox’ but no consequence.

I can certainly verify that the girl does appear to often receive main parts in shows etc, but in terms of life inside the classroom I can only go on DD’s concerns. DD doesn’t complain much, and even about this, she is not really moaning that she wants to be picked instead, just that she’s observed this going on and she doesn’t think it’s fair. One of my concerns is that DD is losing enthusiasm to involve herself in class discussions or to put her hand up for things because she says matter-of-factly ‘X will probably just get picked’.

Has anyone had this situation and successfully chatted about it with the teacher without putting backs up? Or would you leave it and accept it as one of those things?

To this day, I still remember the burning unfairness of the teacher having a favourite. There was never any point asking for a speaking part / offering to take a message / help with any task as it would always been one of the same 2 kids picked. For your child's sake, please do consider speaking to the teacher

It does seem that most schools have the kid who gets picked for everything, though from age 8 it was usually mine for anything musical as she's a chorister so can sing properly - she hated though she felt she was being rolled out like a performing monkey for the governors, councillors, government minister visit etc (she also played piano). Even now at university she's a bit annoyed they want her services for events but don't want to pay (she's demanding a fee and they are thinking about it!)

I think most children are savvy enough to know when a child is given preferred status. I would doubt she is wrong and parents often spot it too.

The key for teachers is to see that learning is an opportunity for all. It doesn’t matter if children don’t get the right answer or give a reply that’s a bit awry. It’s a learning process. There is no need to have plays featuring a few “stars” and everyone else just stands around in a crowd scene. All children deserve a go. Just because some children are known to be reliable, capable of learning lines and have bags of confidence, other children should get an opportunity too. It’s not good enough to have a golden girl.

Neither should state primary schools have a head girl and boy. The ultimate in favouritism! Sharing out tasks on a rota, sharing equal parts in plays and ensuring every child is encouraged is the role of a teacher. If everything always goes to the usual suspects, how do the other children learn and develop their skills?

Teachers pick the kids who are low aggro to do various tasks. They need to pick someone they can trust to do things without a fuss.
It may not be favouritism, but they probably want a quiet life.

Only if you're a terrible teacher. School isn't like a work place you're there to teach kids not get stuff done (as it would be in the work place).

The school play isn't going to be a professional performance - no one will want to watch it except for the parents/grandparents of the kids involved. The point of it is to give kids an enjoyable experience which will help build their confidence. The point of asking questions to a class isn't so the teacher can find out the answer it's to prompt the kids to think up their own answer and encourage them to articulate their thoughts in front of other people. If the same people are always called upon to answer clearly everyone else won't bother.

My kids school is great like this. All the children have opportunities to perform and the less confident ones are encouraged to take part by being given parts in plays and asked to perform at concerts. It's actually very helpful for the less perfectly behaved kids (most often summer born boys) to be given responsibilities as it prevents them being type casted as the naughty boy.

I was meticulous about keeping a running record so all children either got 2 or 3 over the year

This is what I do. Yet children still tell me they’ve never had a certificate. I show them my record and remind them why they received it that week, and they say, ‘Oh yeah...’
There’s no one like a school-aged child for finding unfairness - it occupies much of their thoughts! I reckon it’s a survival mechanism necessary to cope in a class of thirty for 190 days a year.

The main problem with favourites is when all the children go to secondary from primary and the initial setting or streaming is done on teacher assessment. Whatever the opposite of a favourite is, that was me and so I had to wait a year in secondary in the wrong class so a favourite could be put down a stream.

If the same child is fronting the school production for the third year running your school is sending a clear message that it is a school with favourites.

The problem with having “favourite” children is that it can also hurt those children at some point.

We had a terrible award at my secondary school - Boy of the Year / Girl of the Year. The same boy got it three years running. Looking back, I can see why - he was clever, musical (played two instruments, sang solos), put his hand up for lots of stuff. But by the third time, people were rolling their eyes and asking whether there really wasn’t anyone one else who could be recognised for what they had achieved.

At the same school, one girl always got the big parts in plays and musical. She was beautiful, could dance and sing. At one point a bunch of the other kids said that if the head of music didn’t pick someone else for the next one, none of them would agree to be in it (there was an acting / music clique).

Picking the same kid for everything ends up being a bit sour. The point of school isn’t to give chances to only a few children.

Just to echo a pp, it could be that this child has social/emotional needs of which you/your DD are not aware. They may need confidence boosting, resilience building, hand holding etc. There are some children in my school who it would seem are picked for lots of 'extra' things but in reality, they are targeted for specific learning opportunities to make up for things they are lacking in a home life. Don't underestimate the effect of a small errand on a child's self worth.

It's worth raising in a gentle way with the teacher but I would use it to teach some resilience to your DD too. I don't mean this harshly, but perhaps she shouldn't give in so easily when she's not picked?

Honestly I think a discussion with your DD about how people in real life will alway have favorites whether a teacher/boss/ coach and it's a part of life that she needs to realize does not reflect on her, I'd try and make her understand that in a perfect world it wouldn't happen but people are human and while absolutely no one should get preferential treatment, it does happen and it's best if she doesn't let it completely demotivate her . You won't always be there to fight this particular battle for her.

Absolutely raise it. If something if affecting your child, speak to the teacher. Although they will probably say they cannot discuss any other child, so keep it a general 'she feels the same children are being picked etc' and don't mention names. Write down specific examples of behaviour including dates or I suspect the teacher may brush it off as 'i don't remember' or 'your DD is mistaken'.

I have had to raise why my DD is consistently ignored. Without DD telling me I know exactly who the favourites are, because they are picked for everything. In every school newsletter, every star piece of work, every talent show, every picture on Twitter etc. Other parents roll their eyes when these children are the star of assemblies. I've told my DD to focus on her work and do her best.

I asked school if I could put forward some out of school achievements in the school newsletter for my child. They agreed but only for her to be promised twice she'd be in it and then forgotten about! I told the deputy head to apologise to my DD which he did with no actual reason why she was missed TWICE!! She's was questioned about being late to school once (when she has never been late before) but I informed the school in advance she had a doctor's appointment. The school then apologised for not checking first and for questioning her in front of the class. I sent an email to the school office to go to the teacher last week (we can't email directly) and after three days with no response I phoned and spoke to the teacher who promised she had replied and their must be an issue within the office. It took a week for a written reply along with an apology. I told the teacher I'm starting to take it personally!!! A lot of these conversations with the school happen without my DD knowing, as I don't want her worrying, but I will fight her corner to be acknowledged and treated the same as everyone else. Every teacher she's had says she's a joy to teach, but apparently very forgettable. Most of the teachers know who I am though!

Someone once said "be so amazing they can't ignore you". This is what I tell my DD, be great for her so she can be proud of herself and try not to worry about anyone else.

My 14 year old granddaughter has been going to a performing arts school for about 6 years now. She is obsessed with Musical Theatre and, judging by exam, competition and outside school audition results, quite talented. The trophy cabinet in the waiting area is full of trophies she has earned. But in school, she never gets cast outside of the ensemble in any show, nor is she ever promoted in any way. She has been cast in shows outside the school ( including BYMT and NYMT productions) but these achievements have never been even remotely acknowledged. The have been dismissed. Other children, both older and younger ones than her, will have their achievements highlighted on social media as well as on the screen in the studio waiting room. Every school or college play is up there, but none of my granddaughters. She can't understand why she is being ignored like this. She doesn't get cast for anything at this school, and yet certain students, not necessarily the best, are promoted all the time. Last year she was awarded (amongst a bunch of individual trophies for various performances) the adjudicator's award for the best performer in the local Eisteddfod. The cup stands with her other ones in the school trophy cabinet. It's the big one which the school is so proud of, but she has never been acknowledged as the winner. It has been placed so that her name is not visible on it. And she was not the student chosen to show the cabinet off in a recent promotion for the school. The student chosen to claim the trophies in the video clip, was one who is regularly cast in lead roles, the same age as my gd, but although she had competed in the same competitions as my gd, she has never even been placed, let alone won a trophy. But everyone knows she is the principal 's pet. Don't get me wrong, she's a nice girl.

My gd is not the only child at the school who feels undervalued this way. Some have left and moved to other schools as a consequence. But this option is not available to my gd. She comes from a single parent family, her mother is also disabled, so money is tight, and they have no car. This school is reasonably local, and not overwhelmingly expensive. Alternatives are much further away and expensive.

My gd wants, more than anything else, to be a performer. She works hard, she volunteers at the studio, she never complains and is always prepared to help the ones who struggle. She would like to bring her feelings of being excluded up with the principal (she is the one who makes the decisions, not the teachers themselves) but doesn't know how to tackle it without making things even worse. It seems that every time she achieves something outside of the school itself, she meets with a cold shoulder, and a cut in whatever small part she may have been allocated in the next show. She isn't happy there any more.

BYMT and NYMT are expensive, even when bursaries are available, and they are not an all year round experience. She has been so happy working with them, that if it were affordable we would chase up all their workshops and shows as a means for her to pursue her dreams. But, financially, life hasn't dealt her that hand. In 2 years time she can go to college to take a diploma in Musical Theatre. She just has to tolerate 2 more years of being disappointed and undervalued.

Playing the favourite/ scapegoat game in any setting is counterproductive.

@Grumblema I recommend you start a new thread for your query, as this one is five years old, and people might reply to the original question rather than yours.

Even better if you make the title of your post nice and specific.

Make sure you create a thread in an appropriate place, as this is the primary education section.