Teacher commeted to me about my ds's behaviour at a non school event when she wasn't even present. Wuold you question her as to how she came about this information? I am thinking not, dh thinks I a a wimp.

[DrNortherner]

At a meeting about my ds's behaviour (he is 5) she said

'I hear that the last party ds attended he was the one who was difficult to control'

This smacks of playground gossip to me and was most unprofssional of her to say this. Dh is fuming, but was not at the meeting.

He wants me to ask her how she came to know this, and tell her although we can not control playground gossip we hope his teacher is not party to it.

I am so un confrontational and turn into a 5 year old in her prescence. What would you do?

Leave it until she next says something to bug you. Don't go looking for a fight but keep it your arsenal.

I would be cross

and say so

but I would arrange a meeting to say it, dressed up as wanting a follow up meeting and I would take dh

I would be furious.
She was not there, she did not see what happened and she has been listening to gossip.
I would be back in to see her and question her over exactly what went on, ask her the situation was handled etc and when she goes a bit blank ask he if it is acceptable to make comments about your child from a secondhand source.

I agree with your husband. What business is of hers or anyone else what your ds does at a party. Kids become very excited when at a party, my two boys do. Perhaps his "difficult behaviour" may have something to do with her teaching style, does she try and engage him or simply overlook him as this might be the easy option.

I would ask for another meeting address the gossip and when he becomes "difficult" to see if you can see if there is a certain time of the day or certain area of the curriculum.

Dont be afraid of her, she is there to educate your son not judge you

I think it would be a good idea to make an appointment to see her, ensuring that your DH can also attend, and let him ask her directly.

Why didn't you ask her at the time?

she's responsible for kids at school not at parties - I'd tell her that she was over stepping her professional responisbility & that you hear play ground gossip but have the strength of charater to leave it at that - would she like to hear what is said about her & for this to go down on her record???

I'd also have a wor d with the host of the last party he went to.

At the time I was so taken aback by her comment tbh. The Head was present too and quickly changed the subject. I did manage to reply 'I'm sorry - is that playground gosspip?' to which she hastily replied 'no, the children were talking about it in school'

Which imo is bullshit.

I completely empathise. Gossip about one's children's behaviour is so awful. The teacher has been very unprofessional.
That said, I think Noodle Stroodle is right - you do need to tackle her about it. I would simply say that you feel she is making judgements about your ds based on other people's opinion. You are prepared to work on the issues she (may) have raised about behaviour at school, and you recognise the partnership you and the school have. BUT you cannot defend yourself or your ds against 2nd hand gossip and you would like the teachers assurance that you and she will talk only about school and home issues.
I'd be tempted to put it in writing too.
Write a really stroppy letter first, and rip it up!! Then write a really professional one - you'll show her up for sure!

Hmm, in writing. Hadn't thought of that. I could cc the headmaster too.

Problem is, our realationship is rather strained, I ahve contacted the head previously about an issue I ahd with her. I don't want to antognise teh situation.

She shouldn't have said anything and she probably knows it. That said, I'd really want to know if my son had been difficult to control. If there had been something other than just usual kids high party spirits.

the children were talking about it in school? Very lame.

I agree with the idea of a follow up meeting and taking DH.

I would put it in writing, tbh. However that is because if it were me i would tend to be overly emotional in a face to face meeting.

I would have asked at the time too, but then, I am very confrontational when it comes to this sort of thing and I would be the first to admit I am not always pleased with how I handle things!

How can she say to you she heard this from the children? What does that say about her? I would have come straight back with, "So we are basing our discussion of X on the chat of five years olds are we?"

Told you I can not be relied upon to make constructive comments! I do agree with your dh though. You should say something.

Yes but was the original meeting a success apatr from this comment? If you got what you wanted, you can afford to leave it (but not forget). If not, then perhaps a letter reiterating your original problem and suggested solutions plus a mention of this comment.

so did you feel guilty about his behaviour at the party? ws much made of it at the time>?
was she being mean saying it or being sympathetic??

I agree it was unprofessional of her and you may benefit from putting something in writing about it, however if there are issues with your sons behaviour she was perhaps wanting to add weight to the issues at school? If you were at the party you know how he behaved if you weren't then it would have been more helpful if someone told ou on the quiet what had happened and how it was/wasn't handled.

I would think a letter along the lines of "whilst you may have felt it was relevant to bring up the matter of ds attending xx party and his behaviour there........it was second hand information and gives the impression that you are supporting playground gossip" - something to make the point with out antagonising?

Yes the meeting in general was a sucess. I feel uneasy about rocking the boat. But I do feel she stepped out of line.

There's no need for a confrontation. Parents do tell teachers stuff about other kids. Teachers shouldn't pass it on. You challenged her and she - and the head - backtracked. You can raise it again if you wish but it sounds to me as if you dealt with it at the time. You can take it further if you want or just deal with it should something similar come up again.

Now that you have been told, aren't you wondering who has been talking and whether or not it was justified? I would be.

I agree with most of what has been said and can sympathise with your distress.
However just to consider another avenue, is there any possibiity that this was a very hamfisted way of highlighting concerns about your ds' behaviour? I don't know why you were all in the meeting at that time but it is just a thought that occurs. None of us want to hear that our kids are anything less than perfect and I have an extremely challenging ds, but just before you take it further it might be worth considering.

No I don't feel guilty about his behaviour. It was the 2nd party him , and others had attended that day. It was a bouncy castle affair - so run around and have a good time.

Think I'll go with thye nice letter route, thanking them both for their time and productive meeting, then making my point.

Thanks.

I'd second Enid's approach.
Writing a letter would IME ratchet the whole thing up to a much bigger level.
If headteacher quickly changed the subject, they both must have realised she was out of line.

out of order!id go straight to head,doesnt matter whats happened in past.that is so wrong!

Oh Northerner ? not this silly bint again?????
Well at least she wasn?t having a rant at him about his ?bad choices? for once ? was she?

Thankfully he (and you) only have to put up with her for a few more months.
I?d bet when he steps up to YR1 under better guidance (praying she doesn?t move up to YR1 too) he?ll be a completely different lad ? you can be smug then [grin

I don't think teachers hear playground gossip. I think what you get is Parent A telling them directly that they are not happy about their child's relationship with another child. Or that another child in the class is trouble in some way.