Teacher commeted to me about my ds's behaviour at a non school event when she wasn't even present. Wuold you question her as to how she came about this information? I am thinking not, dh thinks I a a wimp.

[DrNortherner]

At a meeting about my ds's behaviour (he is 5) she said

'I hear that the last party ds attended he was the one who was difficult to control'

This smacks of playground gossip to me and was most unprofssional of her to say this. Dh is fuming, but was not at the meeting.

He wants me to ask her how she came to know this, and tell her although we can not control playground gossip we hope his teacher is not party to it.

I am so un confrontational and turn into a 5 year old in her prescence. What would you do?

It is absolutely logical Tenalady, if you have a child that is full of energy and high spirits they will be the centre of attention a lot of the time and the leader of much of the activity, but sometimes their energy and lack of boundaries spill over into unacceptable behaviour like the chasing. They need to learn boundaries but in my experience children like this are sociable and popular. There is one boy in DD3's reception class I can think of who is like this - he roars like a lion and chases the girls who are a bit wary of him but is v popular in general. There is another boy who has real behavioural and developmental issues - he also hits and hurts children and is unpopular but that is because he finds it hard to interact with them on any other level

How worrying that I have been given wrong information about such behaviour.

I accept that a child who is the life and soul will be popular, that is logical.

But when it interferes with others enjoyment (girls crying) surely this is unpopular and clearly unpopular in adult circles.

Now, the popular kid in our reception class is quiet, not academically bright, never smiles and a bit of a dummy really. (nice looking dummy though)

Whats all that about?

She described him as having a magentic personality as in all the kids want to be with him, play with him etc. He is funny, chatty and often leads really good games. He has been like this from day 1 as far as I am concerned. He gets invites to parties, play dates, all the kids in the playground know his name, even the older ones and shout 'Hi xxxx' when they see him. He gets amongst people. So yes he is sociable and popular.

He just does not understand when to bring it down a peg and people get hurt. He fights for what he beleives is his (being first in the line etc) and that's when troubles starts. It's not malicious behaviour IYSWIM.

Olive I told dh not to call teh school, but he is rather like a bull in a china shop I'm afraid.

Does not know when to bring it down a peg or two?
How old is he?
Same could be applied to many adults, especially after a drink or too.

He's 5. (and only jsut 5)

Really - how completely mad.
How many 5 year olds are in complete control of their emotions? If he didn't get swept up in things I would be worrying.

If you want to talk to her about you could start the conversation with "I was a little taken aback and didn't quite know what to say, but having discussed it with DH we are a little concerned that you would discuss behaviour outside of your knowledge. After all playground gossip is simply heresay isn't it? ..... "

or words to that effect

Well tahts' what I think. But he seems to be the only one concerning her, so she is making me feel this is not normal.

Five year olds aren't in complete control of their emotions. But "fighting for what you believe in like being first in line" has to be stopped.

She might not have gossipped. She might have been told something and (unwisely and unprofessionally) let you know that she had been told.

Do you really imagine she is in some sort of coffee circle with a bunch of mothers talking about one child in the class. It's much more likely that a mother complained to her about your child's behaviour and she didn't guard her tongue properly.

I am well aware he is no angel and support the school fully in teaching him the bounderies and disciplining him when he steps out of line.

That goes without saying.

However she got my back up. It was an unhelpful remark imo.

Can't get hold of dh so not quite sure if has spoken to the Head.

Not surprised it got your back up. Really really annoying.

Rosa and others have already related that their children have told them about other children in their class. I really do think the teacher might just be telling the truth about hearing about the party from the children. Teachers don't usually discuss another child with a parent unless that parent has made a specific complaint. If a parent had you would have to be told officially, and given a chance to respond.

My dd recep teacher told me that she wasn't going to teach my dd until she could sit still on the carpet. My active dd was bored witless as a result! In the end I had to give up work and sit in assembly once a week and encourage my dd to sit and listen nicely. Which she did - but for heaven's sake the teacher should have been able to do that. It was just a question of engaging with her rather than talking about her.
She was a poor teacher. Interestingly she went on to be head of the school - and is a really great head teacher. Weird.
Our lives were miserable with stress. Then my dd started in yr 1. Teacher set out clear boundaries, and dd got sent to sit outside the classroom in the first week as she answered a question without putting up her hand. She has been a model student ever since! Just needed the boundaries set. We've never looked back.

I think the fact your ds is so popular is a really positive sign. As someone said - the real disruptive and hurtful children are never liked. He's obviously a wonderful fellow.

L

DD3 tells me a lot of what goes on in her reception class. You do have to be careful as an adult how you interpret it and this is where your DS's teacher went wrong.
For instance, the mum of DD3's best friend (they have been friends since babyhood and I am friendly with the mum too) told me that another mum (she did not say who) had warned her that her DD was getting too friendly with the 'wrong girls' in the class. They are in reception FGS! DD's friend's mum was worried and asked me if I knew anything about it - but really there are no 'wrong' girls in the class IMO. I suspect this other mum was refining too much on some tales she heard from her DD. I advised her to ignore. Perhaps my DD was one of the wrong girls referred to, but really I think this sort of comment by adults on normal children's behaviour is not worth bothering about.
Rise above it, DrNortherner. You are clearly doing all you can to help your DS deal with any aspects of his behaviour that need working on, so what else are you supposed to do?

But you DID bring it up at the meeting, by saying 'is that playground gossip?' and as you say, the Head looked a bit startled. I bet the Head has already said 'watch it!' to the teacher...I wouldn't ratchet it up AT ALL given the ongoing situation.

I'd probably ask, yes. Shouldn't present hearsay as spme sort of proof of anything.

Your Dr-ness, , i sympathise, i've had clashes with teachers in the past 9and I am the most non-confrontational person I know). I reckon you have every right to feel aggrieeved at this woman (who sound like a not very effective teacher if she is failing to engage a populr, sociable, bright little lad), but I'm not sure I would say anything more. Except maybe, take a minute next time you seee her with your best beam plastered on and say ''I am doing X Y and Z to try and ensure my child co-operates in class. But I would appreciate it if you could discuss any further concenrs you may have with me.''

Here's another thought. You constantly post about your son's behaviour in school and at home. I have only been reading mumsnet for a few months and rarely post. However, even before I opened the link, I knew that this was you posting. Perhaps, and I may get shouted down for being unhelpful / unreasonable etc, you need to consider that although she was out of line, she was trying to demonstrate to you how difficult he is to handle in class. Yes, he may be bright, popular, born leader etc but there are another 20 or so children who are suffering because she is spending so much time dealing with your son. As a teacher it is very frustrating to have a difficult child to deal with and not have the full support of the parents in dealing with them. Do you make excuses for his behaviour? I sympathise because I can understand how stressful it must be for you but at the same time I sympathise with the teacher also. Sorry if this is too harsh, but I just thought it was so interesting that you post on this issue so much, obviously wanting help and support, but there doesn't seem to be an improvement. Honestly, how is he at home? Do you struggle. Could you imagine dealing with him and maybe another 20 or so children some who want to conform and others who are distracted by behaviour that is happening around them?

Thanks for all the posts guys

Spottersbadge - Didn't realise I was posting so much, must remember not to in future. There actually have been improvemnets in his behaviour. He now has a smiley face report card and this has shown a huge improvemnet in his behaviour. I called the meeting due to an incident that occurred last week where I felt he was unfairly treated he kicked a boy at play time and it was reported to me that there was no apparant reason, when it turned out teh boy ds kicked had stolen ds's friends hat and he was trying to get it back. Yes kicking is wrong, and he should have been disciplined, but the boy who did the hat stealing did not.

Anyway, I am wary of sounding petty here. Of course I want to work with the school and for ds to have a happy and sucessful time there, however I do not want his teacher making assumptions on his behaviour based on playground gossip. Dh did speak to teh head teacher today and made his point very clearly. The Head teacher totally understood hsi concerns.

And that's the last I will say on the matter.

Stealing a hat or kicking another child, do you really think they both deserve equal punishment? The teacher would probably say something like 'stealing hats isn't kind, please don't do it again' and surely that would be enough. And while I do 'get' why he kicked the 'hat thief' surely there has to be recognition that the two behaviours need to be dealt with differently. To be honest, you going in to the school and protesting that he hasn't been dealt with fairly isn't going to go down well and I would imagine that that has 'got the teachers back up'. She was out of line in what she said, but I'm just seeing it from her point of view - as I have been in her position many times myself.

I don't think that you need to 'remember not to post' on the issue, but if you are going to the you have to recognise that some people aren't going to agree with you and may even offer an alternative opinion. That's all I was doing. I will remember not to in future

No I don't think they desevre equal punishments at all, what I don't want to see is ds being made a scape goat for all bad behaviour. I ahve seen this happen. The girls chase ds in the playground, they catch him and hang on to his jumper, there is a scuffle as he tries to break free, they both fall on the floor. The girls crys 'xxxx pushed me' and ds gets the blame.

Ovbiously it's my ds and it's an emotive topic, and I agree it's easy to get defensive.

I apologise if I was rude, I'm simply finding this a bit tough if I'm honest. I appreciate your comments.

Northerner, I do think everyone is basically on your side, but to be honest, you do sound as if you make a lot of excuses - perhaps not quite the right word - and put more energy into defending him than working with the school. of course, that might well be because of what you post about, rather than the case in RL - but people can only respond to what they read, here.

For e.g, I would not have called a meeting because my ds got told off for kicking, and the hat-stealer did not. What happened to the hat stealer is between the school, him and his parents. Your concern is a lovely little DS (and I am quite certian that he is a very nice little boy) who WILL continue to get into trouble if he kicks people as a way out of problems. Also earlier in this thread you refer to him thumping people as a way of asserting his leadership skills..I would be concerned if Ds did that, leadership does not involve thumping people - and your references to his chasing and catching goirls who then cry is written in a way that it sounds as if 'poor' DS gets into trouble because the girls cry. If i have this all wrong, then i apologise, but I am responding to what i read.

he does sound v energetic - he won't be the last little boy to have more energy than self-control - there a few in DS's class who were exactly a your Ds sounds - and they are all doing very well and learning to save their energy for when they can use it playfully and not get into trouble for it.

x-posted with your last post.

You know...he will be ok, honestly. but it must be hard while he goes through the processes.

Yes blu, maybe I am guilty of defending him too much. I guess as his Mum I feel that's my job.
Although i feel like I'm a pretty shit mum atm.

I bumped into a another mum and her ds this afternoon (he is in the same class)and mentioned I must invite her ds over for tea and a play, he piped up 'But I'm not allowed to play with your ds'

I'm kind of realising it's all going a bit wrong.....

Don't be too hard on yourself DrN.

It sound slike you have a lovely, lively son who can be a delight, but can also be challenging in terms of his behaviour. It's totally understandable you want to 'defend' him, but it's also good you want advice on how to try and help him behave in a more socially acceptable way.

The book someone mentioned earlier (How to talk etc) is really good.

As a secondary school teacher, if your son was going to be coming to my school in 5/6 years time, I'd be begging you to focus on helping him improve, rather than defending him. It's unbelievable how many 'challenging' kids have parents who defend them to the hilt, and a pattern of challenging behaviour going back to early primary school. I'm not saying this is you, or your son - but just saying it's better to sort it now.