Advice please; managing a violent situation at Recepetion year and onwards

[Chilicosrenegade]

Hello,

This could be an emotive subject. I understand. However I am looking for constructive comment to managing a complicated ongoing situation please.

My DD is presently in Reception. Its been a rough year. She entered via its Nursery. We had a great year then. No issues with anything. In reception children entered from outside. New to the school, the rules and each other. Naively (now) we didnt think much of this.

One child, a boy, turned out to be quite volatile. My dd was hit regularly for 3 weeks before sobbing to me in the car about how scared she was to go in. Id genuinely had no idea. And dd had thought this was normal til she couldnt cope any longer. This coincided with a parents evening. Naturally I raised it. Our perfectly nice new teacher didn't have the ability to answer anything. She is recently qualified (inside 5yrs) and sadly kept saying she could listen but couldn't answer questions for fear of breaking confidentiality. She took our concerns on board. Nothing changed for a week. He hit my Dd again. I went to the HoY, notified our teacher I was doing so for fairness. Basically said I need information as to whats happening and how to protect my child. By this stage she was hating school. She was bitten, kicked, scratched, thumped, hair pulled, pushed over, tripped over, had pencils thrown at her, writing paper thrown at her, paint thrown at her, (this is extremely painful to write) he yanked her backwards by her pony tail so hard hair was removed from her head.

We called a meeting with the Head. We were advised no information could be given about X. We had copied the school policies and highlighted where infractions were occurring against the policies. We were advised that as they were under EYFS these policies didn't apply. We were advised they were monitoring and dealing with the situation. We could not be told how. Advice was being sought, by who we could not know. We asked if this was happening to other children, we could not be told. We were told that some children didnt attend any kind of school environment so were taking a while to settle. That it would improve.

3 weeks later my DD refused to go in. She loves school. Shes a keen kid, I make no apology for being lucky at present. I know this. We called another meeting. We had a book which went between school and home and recorded incidences and equated her happiness on a "Happy face" chart. Things improved it appeared in her appreciation but not in the rate of attacks.

Between Jan and feb half term we had two further meetings after attacks. She was punched in the eye and stood on and he fell on her knocking her over and hitting her head on a desk. These were again attributed to 'accidents'. Everything is an accident. She has to understand. She should move away from him. She should change play area. She should move away. She should understand him and his ability or lack of whichever applicable. They are both 5. To be honest the language used makes me sick. Its like domestic violence. For me, they are asking her to alter her behaviour to accommodate another and explain it by "he wanted it, so I left it" "he didnt mean to hurt me, it was an accident when he hurt me".

Ive since obviously found out from other parents that other children are experiencing similar. Its hinted that theres SEN, but thats not confirmed or denied and leaves us unable to understand anything or feel any confidence.

We have just found out they are not mixing classes this coming year for Year 1. So she has another year of this. Its been hinted that it would be traumatic for him. But the attacks are lesser bi weekly approximately. Now we have alternate issues. Now he regards DD as a friend, hes pushed over 3 children seperately for playing with her makiing them cry. Playmates shes had since nursery are not necessarily playing with her if he comes near. Shes upset. Shes been asked to be his lunch buddy but he scares her but as the school rule is "We are nice to everyone" shes been forced to assist him, swallow her fear of being hurt for fear of breaking a school rule. Shes 5.

For us it feels we are handling smoke. The issue runs through our fingers and theres nothing to grasp to discuss as we are not allowed to know anything. Our comments are "taken on board" but we cannot know what happens. And we wait, til something happens again. And we sign accident books where every item is an accident, he didnt mean it.

Every parent that complains is taken as a seperate issue not an accumlative one. Its not necessarily the school - part of me feels this is more systemic than specific. Im not entirely sure. Clearly, theres 'inclusivity' boxes that can be ticked happily in supporting him, but not in regards to supporting anyone else in the class.

Does anyone with any knowledge of education know anything that I can do to support my DD? And / or enable better discussion with our school? Are there supportive places I can get information? Can I complain any more? Who to? So far Ive gone as far as the Head Mistress. I dont want to leave the school. I want the violence to cease. If that ceased I dont see a reason to change much else. Ideally he moved classes, but thats probably a pipe dream. I am suspicious they would move her, thus compounding the "she must alter herself to keep him calm" attitude they seem to lazily adopt.

Any thoughts please? I feel at a loss... Ive always been able to solve things so far. And I cant. I need help. Please be kind.

[Lonnysera]

Well we managed to get to page 4 before the real heavy duty disablist comments appear. Fucking marvellous.

[BishopBrennansArse]

2cats your post is extremely wrong and ignorant - I suggest you take a look a this is my child and educate yourself.
For what it's worth I am parent of 3 children who have multiple complex needs including ASD.

The situation here is not being caused by a 4 year old boy, SEN or not. If he has SN which means behaviours are being triggered that should have been prevented by appropriate adult intervention or by avoiding those triggers the problem is very much due to the adult staff not correctly meeting his needs.

SN is very much an explanation (not an excuse) for behaviour that can be disruptive or harmful to other children. What is wrong in this situation is that the adults responsible are not meeting his needs to either stop the behaviour in the first place OR to prevent any behaviours from affecting others in the class.

This is what needs to be tackled, as I have stated all along.

Children with SEND have just as much right to an education as their peers. This needs to be facilitated by the adults in the situation. Inclusion can work extremely well both for the children with SEND and for their peers but it has to be correctly managed, this is what is missing in the OP's case. Correct management.

[Lonnysera]

2catsnowaiting, if you had read the thread you would see that the OP has never said whether the child in question has a diagnosis, or Special Educational Needs, or something going on at home, or anything else, because quite rightly the school haven't divulged that

This is an issue about safeguarding, not about someone's additional educational requirements. But you seem quite determined to have decided that this is something to do with what you term as "SEN" and then have outlined that such an amorphous description is no excuse for being a "little shit" and then said that some "SEN" children shouldn't be in mainstream school! Can you see how that flies in the face of equality, of inclusivity? Your post disgusts me, and you should be ashamed.

[Lonnysera]

I'm debating whether to report that post, or whether I actually think it should stay, as a prime example of the pathetic disgusting attitudes that children with disabilities face.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Lonny I've reported, and said I don't mind if it stays to illustrate the appalling attitudes towards SEN, but I very much want HQ to contact that poster.

It's not acceptable. But I don't want to derail the OP's thread as I'd very much like to know the outcome eventually.

[Lonnysera]

Agree totally.

[RebeccaMumsnet]

Hi all,

Thanks for the reports, we have removed that post now.

Can we please ask folks to have a think about how it might be to have a child with SEN and to be on the receiving end of such comments. If we could use anything as a parent, it's a little more moral support.

Please also have a read of these Myths surrounding children with SEN

This Is My Child is a myth-busting and awareness-raising campaign, launched in response to requests from our members and supported by input from some of the leading charities in the field.
Its aim is to support parents of children with additional needs, inform everyone else, and open up a conversation about how we can all act to make life easier for everyone caring for children with additional needs.

Thank you in advance for reading, we really appreciate it.

[Lonnysera]

Think it's a shame that was deleted, I suspect that the poster thinks they're entirely reasonable and is baffled as to why their comments are so offensive. That's one of the hardest parts of overcoming discrimination - highlighting and explaining it, so that people can learn.

[mananana]

oh god why remove it?? Surely its quite educational for people to see how other people think??

It was a crass thing to say but now noone can learn from it

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

If it stays others will undoubtedly come and agree with it.

I guess disablist posts have no place on MN.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Yay for Disablist posts having no place on MN!

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

exactly :)

[mananana]

yes i suppose so (the agreeing)

[2catsnowaiting]

OK, before I go, I apologise for using a swear word. However, I want to say I am not disablist. I said a school should be addressing ALL the children's needs, both those with SEN and those without. I agreed with most people that the school not the child are at fault here. They should be dealing with any violent or unpleasant behaviour, no matter what the cause.

I also said that it is possible to have SEN, and to behave badly, or to behave well. The SEN does not necessarily define the child and all their behaviours, it is just one aspect of their character. Where unpleasant behaviour is due to SEN then the school should be aware and be helping the situation, but ensuring that all children are safe. One child's needs are not more important than another's, they are AS important. If the school give priority to one child's needs over another's then something is wrong.

I was also talking generally, not about the position of the OP, as others have said it is not known whether the child in question has SEN or not.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

However, I want to say I am not disablist.

Ok you just make disablist posts.

You werent deleted for swearing.

[BishopBrennansArse]

That post is no better.

[Lonnysera]

"The SEN does not necessarily define the child and all their behaviours, it is just one aspect of their character."

Special Educational Needs are not aspects of one's character. Why do I even have to point that out? Astonishing.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

its nothing to do with giving priority. its giving enough input to allow all equal chances. That may involve greater input to achieve for some. Equality 101.

[Lonnysera]

Also, wtf is it with your constant use of SEN? Special Educational Needs is not some sort of an umbrella term to cover every aspect of every child who might need extra help!

[Lonnysera]

Swap SEN with black. Still not disablist?

[Lonnysera]

Mumsnet HQ, the fact that this poster thinks their post was deleted for swearing, demonstrates they clearly haven't understood, nor is the "please read This Is My Child" message getting through.

[BishopBrennansArse]

To be clear, 2cats, you were not deleted for swearing. You were deleted for being Disablist.

Any impact on the class has happened because adults weren't managing the needs of a child in the class. We don't even know if that child has SEND although it's probable.

Therefore going into a rant about kids with SEN disrupting classes and being violent isn't appropriate. It's not the kids needs causing disruption it's the adults failing to meet them.

Your second post is no better.

I'm hoping you've met the two strikes and you're out criteria tbh.

[blowmybarnacles]

Safeguarding issue - call the LEA and I'd call Ofsted too.

I'm appalled at what your child is being subjected to. The perpetrator is being looked after and the victims ignored. Please find out how to refer to the safeguarding children's board.

[Lonnysera]

Blowmybarnacles, the "perpetrator" (which is hardly an appropriate word to describe a 5 year old) isn't being looked after, his needs clearly aren't being met if he's still lamping other kids! For fucks sake.

[starry0ne]

The perpetrator is being looked after and the victims ignored

I feel the word perpetrator in a 5 year old very uncomfortable.. However you know nothing about what is happening to the other child. Clearly his needs met either.

This post is about OP's DD... ...In this case.The school are failing to safeguard OP DD... This is what OP need to deal with.. To me it appears both children are been failed by the school.