Advice please; managing a violent situation at Recepetion year and onwards

[Chilicosrenegade]

Hello,

This could be an emotive subject. I understand. However I am looking for constructive comment to managing a complicated ongoing situation please.

My DD is presently in Reception. Its been a rough year. She entered via its Nursery. We had a great year then. No issues with anything. In reception children entered from outside. New to the school, the rules and each other. Naively (now) we didnt think much of this.

One child, a boy, turned out to be quite volatile. My dd was hit regularly for 3 weeks before sobbing to me in the car about how scared she was to go in. Id genuinely had no idea. And dd had thought this was normal til she couldnt cope any longer. This coincided with a parents evening. Naturally I raised it. Our perfectly nice new teacher didn't have the ability to answer anything. She is recently qualified (inside 5yrs) and sadly kept saying she could listen but couldn't answer questions for fear of breaking confidentiality. She took our concerns on board. Nothing changed for a week. He hit my Dd again. I went to the HoY, notified our teacher I was doing so for fairness. Basically said I need information as to whats happening and how to protect my child. By this stage she was hating school. She was bitten, kicked, scratched, thumped, hair pulled, pushed over, tripped over, had pencils thrown at her, writing paper thrown at her, paint thrown at her, (this is extremely painful to write) he yanked her backwards by her pony tail so hard hair was removed from her head.

We called a meeting with the Head. We were advised no information could be given about X. We had copied the school policies and highlighted where infractions were occurring against the policies. We were advised that as they were under EYFS these policies didn't apply. We were advised they were monitoring and dealing with the situation. We could not be told how. Advice was being sought, by who we could not know. We asked if this was happening to other children, we could not be told. We were told that some children didnt attend any kind of school environment so were taking a while to settle. That it would improve.

3 weeks later my DD refused to go in. She loves school. Shes a keen kid, I make no apology for being lucky at present. I know this. We called another meeting. We had a book which went between school and home and recorded incidences and equated her happiness on a "Happy face" chart. Things improved it appeared in her appreciation but not in the rate of attacks.

Between Jan and feb half term we had two further meetings after attacks. She was punched in the eye and stood on and he fell on her knocking her over and hitting her head on a desk. These were again attributed to 'accidents'. Everything is an accident. She has to understand. She should move away from him. She should change play area. She should move away. She should understand him and his ability or lack of whichever applicable. They are both 5. To be honest the language used makes me sick. Its like domestic violence. For me, they are asking her to alter her behaviour to accommodate another and explain it by "he wanted it, so I left it" "he didnt mean to hurt me, it was an accident when he hurt me".

Ive since obviously found out from other parents that other children are experiencing similar. Its hinted that theres SEN, but thats not confirmed or denied and leaves us unable to understand anything or feel any confidence.

We have just found out they are not mixing classes this coming year for Year 1. So she has another year of this. Its been hinted that it would be traumatic for him. But the attacks are lesser bi weekly approximately. Now we have alternate issues. Now he regards DD as a friend, hes pushed over 3 children seperately for playing with her makiing them cry. Playmates shes had since nursery are not necessarily playing with her if he comes near. Shes upset. Shes been asked to be his lunch buddy but he scares her but as the school rule is "We are nice to everyone" shes been forced to assist him, swallow her fear of being hurt for fear of breaking a school rule. Shes 5.

For us it feels we are handling smoke. The issue runs through our fingers and theres nothing to grasp to discuss as we are not allowed to know anything. Our comments are "taken on board" but we cannot know what happens. And we wait, til something happens again. And we sign accident books where every item is an accident, he didnt mean it.

Every parent that complains is taken as a seperate issue not an accumlative one. Its not necessarily the school - part of me feels this is more systemic than specific. Im not entirely sure. Clearly, theres 'inclusivity' boxes that can be ticked happily in supporting him, but not in regards to supporting anyone else in the class.

Does anyone with any knowledge of education know anything that I can do to support my DD? And / or enable better discussion with our school? Are there supportive places I can get information? Can I complain any more? Who to? So far Ive gone as far as the Head Mistress. I dont want to leave the school. I want the violence to cease. If that ceased I dont see a reason to change much else. Ideally he moved classes, but thats probably a pipe dream. I am suspicious they would move her, thus compounding the "she must alter herself to keep him calm" attitude they seem to lazily adopt.

Any thoughts please? I feel at a loss... Ive always been able to solve things so far. And I cant. I need help. Please be kind.

[OohMrDarcy]

Firstly, I'm pretty convinced the 'policy doesn't apply in EYFS' is bollocks... if they spout that again, simply ask them for the policy that is in effect then, as SURELY they are aiming to cover their backs in all areas?!

You then need to change the tack slightly and make all your meetings about your daughter, not the boy. You know its all done by the same kid, and so do they - but rules will prevent them discussing the boy with you.

You arm yourself with a list of all the times you've been told / seen / informed that DD has been hurt by him, You demand to know how they are going to keep her safe for the rest of the school year (and next), you advise them that if they can't keep her safe, you'll teach her some self defence techniques to protect herself - which they'll hate and tell you they can't condone violence etc, At which point you point out the bleeding obvious:
" so you are categorically telling me, that A - you can't keep my daughter safe, and B- you will no allow her to defend herself in the face of violence?"

Watch them squirm - and try and back peddle... you then write to the chair of governors for the school advising them of the whole situation - focussing on 'lack of policies' 'regular violence against DD' 'school unwilling to safeguard and failing to allow DD to protect herself' and ask them what they are going to do about the situation

I can almost guarantee the boy will suddenly get much more support and will be kept the hell away from your DD too.

[whiteDragon]

Phone the LEA and see what other places there are in you area- what options you have to move and can you look round other schools and make them work.

If they have no interest in keeping your child safe - then you can insist they follow procured all you like but you aren't going to be around to ensure it. I wouldn't have much confidence in the school in your shoes TBH.

In mean time I'd find the school's complaint process and follow the steps up - listing all the events, meetings etc and ongoing impact on your child. See if you get any where with that.

[BarbarianMum]

You ask them what they are going to do to keep your dd safe. If their response seems satisfactory you write it up in an email following the meeting (To confirm, on x date you agreed that in future x, y and z will be done....).

If it's not satisfactory, you sit in the meeting and tell them that (it's not reasonable to expect my dd to avoid this child in the playground because....). If they don't come up with anything satisfactory, again provide a written note of the meeting (very factual, not emotional) and make an official complaint to the Governors, listing all the times and dates your dd has been hurt, the meetings you've had and the school's failure to act.

It is fine to tell them that you'd like to move your dd to the other class to avoid repeated incidents. Frankly if things are as bad as you say I can't imagine why you'd keep sending her in. You could try keeping her at home and telling the school you will not send her in til they can keep her safe. Then you can involve the Education Welfare Officer.

[Chilicosrenegade]

OOhmrdarcy

Useful. Particularly like the self defence bit. We've told her of course we will support her if ever she does thump him but shes a good girl and said that would hurt him.

I am penning a note to the CoG. If anyone has thoughts to it, happpy to add them.

Vicster99 - oddly enough its good to know it can be dealt with. I mean thats obviously what I think, but this chips at your sanity in really odd ways.

[whiteDragon]

My point is - a good school CAN deal with something like


The only thing that sorted DS out was moving him to a different class at the end of the year. School was fine doing this.

TAs, Teacher and lunch time supervisors while saying all the right things did nothing - we were telling DS to talk to them he was and was being sent away. In our case he was being wound up all day then losing it and lashing out so was often the one ending up in trouble despite the teacher telling us he was being picked on all day.

DN who had her own issues was being isolated and bullied by a girl in her year - other family insisted they were friends. Took a lot of meetings and a deterioration in DN behaviour to get it sorted - but it was.

In both cases though the school management was supportive about getting it sorted - so once got to that level things happened. Before that it was lots of lip service but the problems went on and on.

[starry0ne]

You go in and tell them reagardless of policy they do have a duty of care to your DD..Don't go in been nice.. It seems you have done this too much. Tell them your child is repeatedly been hurt by the same child and you want to know what the school is go to do to protect your child.

My DS had issues to a child which sounds like similar issues. The school handled it well.My DS and child are not put in the same class never mind buddied up. Other child has had lots of support and is managing school much better. I had meetings where they continually referred to other child. I referred to child by their name. I understood they had to continue calling him other child. I think they understood why I used his name.

I also think you should email today and ask for a copy of the safeguarding policy that does apply to your child ( I am calling bullshit but play the game) . I would also ask for the bullying policy again that applies to reception children. leave a paper trail.

Get things in writing. I think strongly go and look at another school before your own DD is damaged further.

[Obeliskherder]

Frame everything wrt your DD. It doesn't matter who this child is or what actions are being taken on him. You don't need info about him. Reframe it all; what actions are they taking to keep YOUR child safe? Eg she is being hurt at lunchtime, she is being forced into a situation that scares her at mealtimes. What actions can school take to ensure she feels safe at lunchtime? (Only answer: not having to sit next to this child.) What can they put in place to help her find other friends in the playground? Every time they mention the other child's needs you reframe it back to DD.

Actually her moving away if she feels unsafe or is hurt is not a bad strategy. It beats sticking around to be hurt more and it gives your DD some control. Simple phrases said loudly, role played for practice at home "No I don't want to play with you today", or "stop it, that hurts" or "xxxx be kind to everyone" as that's big at your school, then move away, tell a teacher. We had trouble in YR/Y1 along similar lines but actually DD solved it in the end using the line "whatever, I don't care" (though she cared very much) until the child moved on to someone more rewarding. Then he grew out of it in Y2 and now spends breaks playing football.

[hazeyjane]

Finally the bully was given 1:1.

Can I just say, that we are talking about a child with special needs here (I don't know about the child in the op, but that also sounds likely) - this is not a 'bully' but a child that has needs that should be supported by the school. If the child needs a 1-1 then those needs are likely to be fairly high.

This is why the policy is not to discuss the other child - demonising a child does no-one any good at all. The school have a duty of care to both children in the op's case - the child doing the hurting clearly needs to have more 1-1 support and be monitored more closely, the op's child needs to feel safe going into school and not forced into being friends with a child she is scared of - if the school can't manage either of these things then they are failing.

But please, don't turn this into being about the 'bullies' with special needs and how it is all the fault of inclusion.

I hope you manage to get a good outcome for your child op, and I hope the other child in question gets the support they obviously need.

[Obeliskherder]

*OK,

So, If I called a meeting tomorrow to say we will not put up with this further. What do we say?

• Confirm the school rules now apply
  
• Move her class (How do I argue that without mentioning why?)
  
• What else?*
  

No of course you mention why. You can mention the child by name, you can talk at length about your daughter's safety and all the incidents. Just don't ask them about the other child's sanctions, or expect them to discuss that child's behaviours. If you want them separated I suggest you ask the teachers to move the other child. Use the word "bullying", and ask for a copy of their bullying policy beforehand.

Bear in mind that other parents may already be pushing for a class change.

[Chilicosrenegade]

I don't know I've been nice. Ive been borderline rude on occaision. I have tried to treat them as professionals, as I consider myself, if in a different field. Its not working out as well as I expected it to...

[Obeliskherder]

Fair enough hazeyjane, I take that back.

Whether they end up with a SEN diagnosis or not they are still only 5 and learning. In my own DD's case there was no SEN but he outgrew the behaviours.

I mentioned the bullying policy because ours is full of stuff like "each child should feel safe and secure in the school environment" which is pertinent to OP's DD and the discussions OP should be having with the school. The point of the bullying policy is to ensure security for each child, irrespective of who is hurting them and why.

[Vickster99]

hazeyjane

But please, don't turn this into being about the 'bullies' with special needs and how it is all the fault of inclusion.

I think you are being a bit oversensitive here. i never expressed any view of that kind and nor do I hold those views, and I am quite offended that you think i do. For the record I am very supportive of inclusion and our school partners with a special needs school integrating children with high special needs into main stream education.
Using the word bully is appropriate - this boy was picking on specific younger children, pushing and hitting them, and telling them they couldnt play on certain bits of equipment or go to certain areas in the playground etc. That sort of behaviour clearly fits the description of bullying

The school quite rightly didnt tell me much about him or his needs and I dont even know if he has 1:1 outside lunchtimes. The point is, the boy's behaviour was intimidating to other children and the school dealt with it effectively.

Our school can deal with this and the OP's school should be able to do so too.

[Lonnysera]

don't turn this into being about the 'bullies' with special needs and how it is all the fault of inclusion.

This^^

It's a little boy, who isn't having his needs met either.

[uhoh1973]

TBH you are not interested in the other child, why he does this etc, you just want your child to be safe. The school are letting your child down badly by not protecting her. If she were my child I would take her out of school if the school cannot do their job. Do they expect you to just 'wait things out'?? The victim can never be responsible for the violator's behaviour. Its disgusting and they are useless. Surely he is also hurting other children? I hope things work out for you and your child.

[OneArt]

Is there an EYFS policy? That would have to apply to Reception!

In my DC's primary school a child was given 1:1 support even though he had no diagnosed SEN at the time (he did receive a diagnosis a couple of years later).

Agree you need to involve the governors. Write down all the incidents and all the meetings you've had.

[whiteDragon]

Move her class (How do I argue that without mentioning why?)

We went in saw deputy head and said there is clearly an ongoing personality clash can they be separated next year.

I'd given up on the class teacher by that stage and had requested a meeting with head.

Gave a list of incidents suggested they'd be better separated. Didn't blame other child just stated what had occurred as neutrally as possible.

Was told the current teacher would have almost certainly have put this forward - though a quick check didn't confirm this - so she said she'd look into it all.


Our child was moved into other class the next year- only a few moved that year previous year they really mixed the classes. Never had any more problems with our child at that school.

[PolaroidsFromTheBeyond]

I agree with others that this is a not a good school. Whatever the ofsted report happens to say, good schools do not stand by and allow a tiny child be beaten up while hand wringing and saying they cannot do anything.

I think you need to go to that meeting and say what you've said here. That your child is being hurt regularly, that she is often scared to go in and that this is affecting her badly. They won't tell you about the other child but YOU can absolutely talk about how you believe his actions have harmed your DD. I would want a concrete and detailed plan about how they plan to manage this situation in YR 1 or I would seriously investigate moving her.

You said this above. So I move her, rip her away from the friends she has, the environment she knows, the teachers she does love, and drop her in a new environment will I be improving her lot or making a bad situation worse?

I know changing schools sounds like a massive upheaval. But children change schools all the time for all sorts of reasons and the vast majority adapt very well indeed. My own DD changed schools in Yr 1 due to a house move and although I agonised about it she adapted brilliantly. Isn't it worth at least investigating the possibility?

Good luck OP.

[hazeyjane]

Vickster, I did specifically respond to your reference to the child in your post, where you called him a bully, you said sen were hinted at so that and that 1-1 was put in place.

The quote about inclusion referred to things like Clearly, theres 'inclusivity' boxes that can be ticked happily in supporting him, but not in regards to supporting anyone else in the class. and I was just pointing out that it sounds as though the school is not supporting either child, but that it is not inclusion that is at fault, but a lack of communication and support from the school.

[OurBlanche]

In your letter state clearly:

I do not want to be told that you cannot discuss X for reasons of confidentiality. I do not wish to discuss X at all. I do however wish to discuss what you are doing to keep my daughter physically and emotionally safe whilst she is in your care.

1. What are you doing to prevent [list of incidents like the hairpulling]?
   
2. At what point will you stop asking my daughter to be responsible for her own safety whilst she is in your care [list of all the 'play nice' ' move away' comments and incidents that casued them]?
   
3. If the procedures we have discussed previously are not appropriate I want you to give me copies of thse that are
   
4. I will then require you to show me how you have met your responsibility to my daughter in these specific cases: [again list everything]
   
5. I will also require a copy of your reporting/complaints procedure as, depending on the outcome of this meeting, I may wish to escalate my concerns.
   

Please note that I may choose to exercise my right to record the meeting, in full accordance with all relevent regulations (they can refuse, but hey, they may not )

Good luck

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

If they can't produce the safeguarding policies that DO apply to EYFS then you need to approach OFSTED about that.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Whilst I fully appreciate they cannot give you information about the other child they CAN give you information about how they are safeguarding your DD - or not as the case actually is.

In real terms they're not just failing your DD, they're failing the little boy too, as well as any other child who is suffering due to their inadequacy in dealing with his needs, whatever they may be.

The policies do apply to the entire school unless stated otherwise. Ask for the EYFS policies if they insist they are different and insist upon it in writing. Do everything in writing.

Escalate complaints to the governing body, in writing. Is it a maintained school or academy?

[grannytomine]

I would go to OFSTED and tell them that there are no policies for EYFS and that there are safguarding issues. I would copy the letter to the Head and CoG. I think they will act pretty quickly to put something in place before OFSTED arrive.

Don't let this go on any longer. It is totally unacceptable for a 5 year old child to be in fear on a daily basis. None of us would go to work in similar circumstances.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Would it be ofsted, though? Surely the safeguarding team at the local education authority (if a maintained school) or the department of education (if an academy)?

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

OFSTEd do follow up safeguarding complaints

[Chilicosrenegade]

Its a VA. Have no idea.

But yes good points on pushing the safeguarding side. Im aware theres only a few weeks left. I can see they want to do what they have done pretty much all year, give it time. They seem to think things resolve themselves. But as I dont get told what they are actually implementing as Im not allowed - go figure - Its blooming hard to argue they are doing nothing. I dont get to prove that either way.

In no way were we prepared to deal with this at Reception level. Further up the school? Yes. Now? Not in the slightest. I do feel they use the lack of articulation by 5yr olds as support in 'everythings ok'. Because its tough for her to explain things. She bright but she shouldn't need to know how to articulate this stuff. Good grief its hard enough for us and we've been through all levels of education!