Advice please; managing a violent situation at Recepetion year and onwards

[Chilicosrenegade]

Hello,

This could be an emotive subject. I understand. However I am looking for constructive comment to managing a complicated ongoing situation please.

My DD is presently in Reception. Its been a rough year. She entered via its Nursery. We had a great year then. No issues with anything. In reception children entered from outside. New to the school, the rules and each other. Naively (now) we didnt think much of this.

One child, a boy, turned out to be quite volatile. My dd was hit regularly for 3 weeks before sobbing to me in the car about how scared she was to go in. Id genuinely had no idea. And dd had thought this was normal til she couldnt cope any longer. This coincided with a parents evening. Naturally I raised it. Our perfectly nice new teacher didn't have the ability to answer anything. She is recently qualified (inside 5yrs) and sadly kept saying she could listen but couldn't answer questions for fear of breaking confidentiality. She took our concerns on board. Nothing changed for a week. He hit my Dd again. I went to the HoY, notified our teacher I was doing so for fairness. Basically said I need information as to whats happening and how to protect my child. By this stage she was hating school. She was bitten, kicked, scratched, thumped, hair pulled, pushed over, tripped over, had pencils thrown at her, writing paper thrown at her, paint thrown at her, (this is extremely painful to write) he yanked her backwards by her pony tail so hard hair was removed from her head.

We called a meeting with the Head. We were advised no information could be given about X. We had copied the school policies and highlighted where infractions were occurring against the policies. We were advised that as they were under EYFS these policies didn't apply. We were advised they were monitoring and dealing with the situation. We could not be told how. Advice was being sought, by who we could not know. We asked if this was happening to other children, we could not be told. We were told that some children didnt attend any kind of school environment so were taking a while to settle. That it would improve.

3 weeks later my DD refused to go in. She loves school. Shes a keen kid, I make no apology for being lucky at present. I know this. We called another meeting. We had a book which went between school and home and recorded incidences and equated her happiness on a "Happy face" chart. Things improved it appeared in her appreciation but not in the rate of attacks.

Between Jan and feb half term we had two further meetings after attacks. She was punched in the eye and stood on and he fell on her knocking her over and hitting her head on a desk. These were again attributed to 'accidents'. Everything is an accident. She has to understand. She should move away from him. She should change play area. She should move away. She should understand him and his ability or lack of whichever applicable. They are both 5. To be honest the language used makes me sick. Its like domestic violence. For me, they are asking her to alter her behaviour to accommodate another and explain it by "he wanted it, so I left it" "he didnt mean to hurt me, it was an accident when he hurt me".

Ive since obviously found out from other parents that other children are experiencing similar. Its hinted that theres SEN, but thats not confirmed or denied and leaves us unable to understand anything or feel any confidence.

We have just found out they are not mixing classes this coming year for Year 1. So she has another year of this. Its been hinted that it would be traumatic for him. But the attacks are lesser bi weekly approximately. Now we have alternate issues. Now he regards DD as a friend, hes pushed over 3 children seperately for playing with her makiing them cry. Playmates shes had since nursery are not necessarily playing with her if he comes near. Shes upset. Shes been asked to be his lunch buddy but he scares her but as the school rule is "We are nice to everyone" shes been forced to assist him, swallow her fear of being hurt for fear of breaking a school rule. Shes 5.

For us it feels we are handling smoke. The issue runs through our fingers and theres nothing to grasp to discuss as we are not allowed to know anything. Our comments are "taken on board" but we cannot know what happens. And we wait, til something happens again. And we sign accident books where every item is an accident, he didnt mean it.

Every parent that complains is taken as a seperate issue not an accumlative one. Its not necessarily the school - part of me feels this is more systemic than specific. Im not entirely sure. Clearly, theres 'inclusivity' boxes that can be ticked happily in supporting him, but not in regards to supporting anyone else in the class.

Does anyone with any knowledge of education know anything that I can do to support my DD? And / or enable better discussion with our school? Are there supportive places I can get information? Can I complain any more? Who to? So far Ive gone as far as the Head Mistress. I dont want to leave the school. I want the violence to cease. If that ceased I dont see a reason to change much else. Ideally he moved classes, but thats probably a pipe dream. I am suspicious they would move her, thus compounding the "she must alter herself to keep him calm" attitude they seem to lazily adopt.

Any thoughts please? I feel at a loss... Ive always been able to solve things so far. And I cant. I need help. Please be kind.

[LC01]

Bishop are you saying I should just turn a blind eye and never mention what happened to put my daughter in A&E to anyone ever again? That's policitical correctness (and I believe it's also boardering on bullying to anyone who speaks up to protect heir own child) gone mad.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

No but maybe read this is my child and think about why this child might have acted like they did and not maybe come across as quite so heartless and othering

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

And I say that while maintaining that obviously it is wrong if any child is hurt. The two aren't mutually exclusive although they seem so in here. People have their heads firmly up their bottoms sometimes.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

My child was punched in face once by a child who couldn't stand the sound of her crying. I understood and bore the child no malice at all. And didn't refer to them as a bully perpetrator or abuser. People need to look at themselves IMO.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Oh I didn't get the police either. As that would make me an overreacting twat.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Minor saying that at all, LC. I'm saying blame the correct people - the adults who have a duty to prevent one child from causing harm and a duty to prevent other children including yours from harm- and take action against them for failing all the children.

Don't be Disablist and rant about kids with send being the problem.

Go to those actually responsible and actually able to do something.

Being Disablist isn't just offensive in your case it actually puts you at a disadvantage because you're targeting the wrong person.

[BishopBrennansArse]

minor I'm not

[BishopBrennansArse]

Oh and if you use the term 'political correctness gone mad' it gives people a pretty good idea what they're dealing with.

[midnightlurker]

For all the people who are arguing - EVERY child matters. OP's DD's safety is important. She has a right to grow up feeling safe at school, knowing that being physically assaulted is wrong, being controlled by another person is wrong. The damage to her self-esteem and her adult relationships if this is left throughout primary school would be enormous. The school cannot keep her safe, so her parents need to remove her from that school. That is the end of it.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Noone has said every child doesn't matter. It's quite offensive to suggest people think that in fact.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

In fact people are asking for understanding all round. That's the whole point.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Agree with fanjo.
Because we are advising the OP to deal with the root of the problem doesn't mean we don't care about the OP's DD.

Quite the opposite. Identifying the root of the problem and the most efficient way of sorting it out is the best, fastest way to make things better for the OP's DD.

Ranting and raving in a Disablist way about children with SEN even though SEN hasn't been confirmed as a factor in all this is counterproductive.

Not only is it Disablist - bigoted - it's not actually going to achieve anything.

It's not going to make things change.
It's not going to make things better.
It's not going to help the OP's DD or the other kids affected by the incompetence of the adults in the situation (not a 4 year old boy)

By ranting and raving and going to inappropriate bodies (police and ofsted) it's not helping anyone in this situation.

Prejudice and hate is such an impotent thing.

[ApostrophesMatter]

To be fair it isn't disablist for the OP to complain to the school about what the other DC has done to her DD. In her place I'd be keeping a list because that list will show the number of times both DCs were let down by the school.

As others have said her DD has a right to be safe in school and if ranting at the school, the governors and the LEA on a daily basis forces them to provide better care for all the DCs, I'd say go for it. Sometimes issues have to be forced.

And I'd be stopping this "buddy" business straight away until such time as the DC has proper strategies in place to help him with his interactions.

[Lonnysera]

Apostrophesmatter, with respect you're stating with obvious.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Yes, but couching it as 'due to staff not dealing with things correctly this has happened" focuses the mind on their statutory duties.

Complaints about it all being a four year old boy's fault means they are very easily able to swerve those duties.

[ApostrophesMatter]

Maybe I am, but I didn't want people to think that others consider it disablist to complain about the behaviour of another child if it impacts on your own.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to comment when you had nothing constructive to add.

[MarklahMarklah]

I would also argue (possibly controversially) that whether or not the child assaulting OP's DD has SEN or not, their needs also are not being adequately met by the school as they do not appear to be doing anything to assist with control or management of behaviours or emotions.

Both children are being failed by the school's safeguarding procedures and policies.

[BishopBrennansArse]

It's not Disablist to complain about events, what is though is to apportion blame to a small child when the blame lies with the adults not doing as they should.

Does that make sense?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

And to say that kids with SN should not be in mainstream.

Or to call a child with it a bully, abuser, perpetrator or talk of "victims"

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Marklah that is a fact. Not controversial IMO, you are correct,.

[bojorojo]

Unfortunately words and labels get in the way of a sensible debate about what to do.

Working for a LA years ago, we did have parental pressure groups to get children removed from schools. Frequently the Heads went along with it for an easy life and it was my job to negotiate a way through. It rarely ended well, as you can imagine. It is important that the child with behavioural issues is given expert support and that the school seeks advice on strategies for the managing the child. Quite often teachers will not be able to do this from their own experience but schools can get help from EPs and behaviour experts, but they have to pay for it. That is the problem. Some just will not do it and then do not follow the advice when it is given, because that usually costs money too.

It is quite common for a "good" school to take some time to resolve behaviour issues (they are often complex) and sometimes it is just not possible. Sometimes a mainstream school is just not appropriate because much higher staffing levels are needed. However, in my working life I always found it was the small, allegedly nurturing, village schools who had more parents complain about other children than the larger schools. They even had meetings trying to get children removed. I remember having to get experts in to talk to parents about Hepatitis - they wanted the child excluded from school before she even started despite the parent already having had three children in the school. Totally disgusting but some parents have no loyalty, no empathy and shout a lot. Some Head's have no backbone and think it is better to get rid of a child rather than deal with the issues.

None of this absolves a school from keeping all its pupils safe but hurling names about will not help. Other threads on home visits may also strike a chord here. They are not all about cups of tea and biscuits. Some schools do want to know what children are like before they start, especially if the information from the nursery (or no nursery at all) flags up problems.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Bojo I have no issue with debate - what I have issue with is blaming the child when the situation is very like you are describing.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

A child's issues are neither a word nor a label.

[Lonnysera]

It's just so simple and yet some posters miss the point again and again : this isn't about a problem child, it's about a problem within the education system where some children don't get the support they need.

I'm agog at pressure groups from parents! Why on earth aren't they applying pressure to get extra support? Surely that's better for everyone!

[ItWasNeverASkirt]

I really don't think this is about the other child, or about being disablist, it's about making sure the OP's child is cared for and protected from physical violence. It's absolutely not the other child's fault, but it absolutely IS a failure on the part of the school that this has happened repeatedly.