Would you say anything to this mother?

[CandyCrush77]

Was just chatting to another mother at the school gates. Our DSs are in the same class but I don't usually chat to this person or know her very well. DS is (or used to be known) for being quite naughty at school but has improved massively and is now in year 3. He is going well academically and still has reminders in class but no big issues and his teacher seems happy. Both reports at parents evenings have been good. He does still muck around sometimes with another boy (and get a reminder) but nothing worse than that. Anyhow, i start chatting to this woman who proceeds to tell me how badly behaved my son at school and that he struggles to concentrate/focus etc. I was very taken aback and said, well the teacher hasn't said anything to me, to which she said, well that have 30 kids in the class so they have to let some things go. She then said she had seen DS act nicely sometimes so was surprised he misbehaved at school etc etc. I was a bit stunned to be honest and let it go but am now feeling really pissed off about it. DS WAS a bit badly behaved in reception but has come on leaps and bounds since then but he appears to have been labelled by at least one parent as a "'naughty boy". Worse than that, she seemed to think that naughty = stupid which is not the case. Her DS is quite bright and I had the distinct impression she was being quite patronising. Spoke to DS's teacher only this morning, who stopped me to say how well behaved DS had been this week, so definitely no issues that she wanted to raise. I am on the verge of emailing this woman and pulling her up on her comments. The risk if though that I will seem completely mental and destroy any chance of a friendly relationship at the school gates. Any views?

The issue is these interuptions are very difficult for children to deal with

Day they are having a story and child keeps talking to his friend, makes silly noises, pulls faces and the teacher keeps having to stop and ask them to stop - then they shout out something unrelated to the story or ask to use the loo - common to avoid sitting still .... how annoying is it for the children who want to actually hear the story?

What happens at home? How is his concentration? Does he follow instructions? Can you give him two instructions at a time? Put your shoes away before you clean your teeth?
Do you read to him - can he sit and listen to the story?

If you do homework does he interput - just get some milk - I need a different pencil etc?

He's your hill his behaviour at home will be simular to his behaviour in class (only without the audience)

Really glad that the school does not take your approach.

I'm not quite sure what approach you mean. I was not suggesting that children who habitually cause low-level disruption are, or should be, removed from my classroom, and they never are, but they do ave an impact.

Look at it this way. All groups of children, all individual children, make demands on teachers' time, and to that extent have an impact either in the classroom or at other points in a teacher's life.

For example a vulnerable or neglected child might take no additional time in lessons, but will require a very significant amount of time in terms of documentation, meetings etc outside lesson time. This has an indirect impact because a teacher therefore has less time to e.g. finely tune plans and resources for the class for the following day / week.

A child who specifically struggles, or who is particularly gifted, in one of more subjects, takes time both in the classroom and out of the classroom - extra planning, interventions at break, lunch, assembly times, allocated TA / teacher time during lessons that cannot therefore be allocated elsewhere.

Children who misbehave occasionally but at a high level - e.g. those who throw chairs, are actively unkind - take time: if they have a particular SEN, lots of extra time in meetings as well as dealing with behaviour, if not, simply lots of time dealing with the behaviour and its consequences.

Children who misbehave at a low level but high frequency also take time - lots of little bits of time, which are very visible to the remainder of the class.

My point was that ALL these groups take time (apologies if I wasn't clear). I had understood Candy to be saying that all the groups EXCEPT low level disruption took time, which isn't accurate.

I suppose I'm trying to imagine myself in Candy's DS's teacher's place, and what I could be saying to Candy and what it MIGHT mean in actual terms. Candy's interpretation of it may be absolutely accurate - minor verbal warnings 1 or 2x per day. But it COULD be very different (multiple warnings each hour, but improving over time and definitely better than reception) with what the teacher is saying being exactly the same IYSWIM? In Candy's place, I'd be going in to see the teacher with a 'in comparison to age expectations and the rest of the class, how is DS behaving, and when you speak of verbal reminders, how often and how many?'

All this is making me think very carefully about how I communicate with the parents of my 'low level disrupters through silliness', and what their picture of behaviour might be vs reality - thank you.

I give the teacher and the school enough credit that if the low level misbehaviour had reached such a level (in terms of actions or frequency) then it would have been raised with me and we would have agreed a plan to address the behaviour at home and in school. I cannot possibly address what I don't know about. What I do know about I address. He is absolutely fine at home - sat and did his written homework really nicely this morning, . He took bit of persuasion but so do other kids. He does have to be told to do certain things several times (brush your teeth, switch the TV off etc) but again, this is totally normal for an 8 year old. The school has a behaviour policy which clearly states how poor behaviour is dealt with an escalated. It's an outstanding school who is very top of these sorts of things. So you're telling me that his behaviour is so bad it's disputing other kids but: I) the school has done nothing to address and ii) I have not been told despite regular contact with the teacher/it never being raised as an issue in parents evening other than a passing mention

In every class you will have a level of low level disruption. It's absolutely normal and not a cause for immediate escalation. Swinging on chairs, chatting out of turn etc is normal low level disruption. It is not ideal, it does disrupt a class and other children do of course notice it - but it's a feature of school life, outstanding or not. Most children probably engage in low level disruption now and again, but there are always some more prone to doing it.

The teacher is probably using simple management strategies (verbal/non verbal warnings, discussing it with child, whole class work on listening skills etc) and taking the view he will grow out of it as he matures.

It is disruptive OP, there's no way around that. It's not massively disruptive such as chair throwing, fighting etc - but dealing with it sucks up teaching time, it is usually breaking class rules and other children are aware of that.

Why do you have to have regular contact with teacher?
Is that normal at your school?
At my ds's school, only parents who have regular contact with CT is the ones with issues. Maybe that's why the Mum thinks your ds has problem?

At out school the teachers are around at drop off and pick up to talk to anyone who wants a word with them.

irvineoneohone how could you possibly know that information? From a visual observation? With the greatest of respect, most parents wouldn't confide in other classmates' parents about individual learning or behaviour plans.

In any case, that doesn't excuse the other mother's very rude approach! OP that mother has a manners & judgement deficit.

Would you like to borrow my imaginary voodoo doll? Perfect for this sort of situation but getting a bit battered around the eyeball area now

Well, I speak to teacher more than others since my ds has medical issues. And I don't see others approach teacher, or teacher approaches very often, or none at all. And it seems to be always the same parents the CT approaches at pick ups.
So, it's just a speculation. Sorry if I offended you, Maybe.

irvineoneohone wasn't offended
Lots of my DS classmates go straight into after-school; so in my experience, the CT has rung or emailed if she "wants a word" with me or DH ifyswim! I prefer that TBH.
The OP sounds like she's got a very realistic idea of her son's behaviour and moreover, has been working with the school to address the issues.
If I were the OP, yes I 'd check with CT again to check her DS is on target; but more importantly, I'd raise the issue of the other mother's approach in the playground. I think the CT needs to remind this parent that all complaints must be addressed to the school; under no circumstances is it acceptable to approach the other parent directly.

Op. Did you ask the teacher about how your son's behaviour compared to age related expectations?

Had a quick chat with the teacher today. I didn't ask about age related expectations but asked how he had been doing and how his behaviour had been. The teacher said he had been fine and is really settled at the moment. He is sometimes silly and has reminders but no issues of concern Which says to me all is fine. Am I missing something?