Would you say anything to this mother?

[CandyCrush77]

Was just chatting to another mother at the school gates. Our DSs are in the same class but I don't usually chat to this person or know her very well. DS is (or used to be known) for being quite naughty at school but has improved massively and is now in year 3. He is going well academically and still has reminders in class but no big issues and his teacher seems happy. Both reports at parents evenings have been good. He does still muck around sometimes with another boy (and get a reminder) but nothing worse than that. Anyhow, i start chatting to this woman who proceeds to tell me how badly behaved my son at school and that he struggles to concentrate/focus etc. I was very taken aback and said, well the teacher hasn't said anything to me, to which she said, well that have 30 kids in the class so they have to let some things go. She then said she had seen DS act nicely sometimes so was surprised he misbehaved at school etc etc. I was a bit stunned to be honest and let it go but am now feeling really pissed off about it. DS WAS a bit badly behaved in reception but has come on leaps and bounds since then but he appears to have been labelled by at least one parent as a "'naughty boy". Worse than that, she seemed to think that naughty = stupid which is not the case. Her DS is quite bright and I had the distinct impression she was being quite patronising. Spoke to DS's teacher only this morning, who stopped me to say how well behaved DS had been this week, so definitely no issues that she wanted to raise. I am on the verge of emailing this woman and pulling her up on her comments. The risk if though that I will seem completely mental and destroy any chance of a friendly relationship at the school gates. Any views?

Ok, I have said from the start that DS is quite naughty but has improved a lot I am under no illusions that he is a model student but all his teachers have made clear i) he is bright and has no issues academically and ii) any behavioural issues are mild (just "silliness" as it has been described to me) rather than anything serious or disruptive to the class. I have heard the teacher comment on other well behaved kids when they have had a good week or done something nice - kind acts/ behaviour are also noted and rewarded so I don't think it's correct to say the teacher's comment implies he is badly behaved most of the time.

Re email address, are we the only school to have class lists and group emails amongst parents on a weekly basis? We have also exchanged emails re a play-date/birthday parties etc. What's so weird about that?

If you email her it will be confirmation that your child comes from that type of parent and she'll have a field day in the playground

You won't win brownie points from any email

I'd agree if DC has a good week - suggests his normal behaviour isn't great - but not the worst

I think I'd worry my child wasn't quite as well behaved as I'd hoped but also, the school gate mum was out of line there and so rude. Ignore her!

No, we have emails too.

But sending an email is still a really bad idea.

No don't email her, it will only probe that he really is your son. You have admitted that your ds was a badly behaved child and unfortunately sometimes that does stick.
The teachers said he has improved so just focus on that.

I don't care what she thinks of me. Way past that point. Just don't like her assuming things about DS and feel the need to correct her. I don't mind her saying he is naughty, it was the other snide comments that got to me - not able to concentrate etc - and the suggestion that the teachers aren't telling me something. Tempted to arrange another meeting with the teacher to ask about it but worried I will seem mad as we speak fairly often.

You will sound mad. And you will sound defensive and somewhat in denial.

To be honest your inability to take on board the wave of people telling you that your email will make things much worse makes me wonder if you do listen selectively.

Again, there are two things that can be true simultaneously:

• from a teacher's perspective, your DS's behaviour issues are mild and just 'silliness' [though low level disruption is in fact one of the most time-sapping issues within the classroom in terms of pupils' learning]

• from another child's perspective, your child is naughty and doesn't concentrate (the other child may hear the verbal reminders e.g. 'Little Candy Crush, concentrate on your own work now, please' and draw their own conclusions)

She's not assuming things about your DS though - she is reflecting what she has heard, most likely from her own child. She was very rude to do so, as I said earlier, but you won't change her mind (or that of her child - and it's the child you'd be aiming the email at really) and you are not coming across well on this thread with your insistence that your opinion is the only one that counts. She's entitled to her opinion whether you agree with it or not.

Never had email groups either, no class lists for a few years either.

Ta for answering my query. DD is at a tiny school and we don't do the email thing.

Agree with everyone else, definitely don't email her.
She 's just very rude. Ignore it

She sounds awful. Don't email her though. But if she ever talks to you again tell her that the teacher doesn't have any issues and in the nicest way (or not if the mood takes you) tell her to butt out. But one thing that sprung to my mind is where she got her info, is it just from what her child says? If she is a parent helper at the school and is telling you this because of anything she has seen in school then I would report this to the school as parent helpers are not meant to talk to other parents about things they see at school.

I think children tell parents if they are annoyed. My ds certainly does.
There's one particular boy in his class who always disrupt class, and he is a lovely boy, always polite and parents seems to think he is an angel. But I also know how he behaves in class, with minor disruption and delays everything.
I wouldn't say anything to the parents though.

I'd let it go but if she were to say anything else then I would put her straight. You know the deal so that's the most important thing.

"Tempted to arrange another meeting with the teacher to ask about it but worried I will seem mad as we speak fairly often."

You could check with your son's teacher 'casually' next time you chat with her, along the lines of "is there anything else we can do to support Ds's behaviour at home?" There has been some playground gossip that DS is in not focusing in class and also that he is being naughty"

Then see what the teacher has to say. The other mother sounds like a bit of a busy body and not very tactful.

To be honest your inability to take on board the wave of people telling you that your email will make things much worse makes me wonder if you do listen selectively.

How am I not taking it on board? I asked for views. Have decided not to email her.

She's not assuming things about your DS though - she is reflecting what she has heard, most likely from her own child. She was very rude to do so, as I said earlier, but you won't change her mind (or that of her child - and it's the child you'd be aiming the email at really) and you are not coming across well on this thread with your insistence that your opinion is the only one that counts. She's entitled to her opinion whether you agree with it or not.

How am I insisting my opinion is the only one that counts? Haven't I referred to ALL his teachers' opinions? Happy to consider others opinions but not from someone who is basing her views on hearsay. She is entitled to her opinion, yes, I am entitled to mine. In future I shall start handing out my opinions on other people's children shall I, regardless of getting my facts straight.

She's not a parent helper.

Can I just add, we don't choose our kids and poor behaviour is not always linked to some parental failure. If a child is acting out then that child needs support, not criticism from students and other parents. DS has an unusual personality (autism was suggested and eliminated at one point) and learns in a different way than other kids. He does not need to be pigeonholed or labelled a trouble-maker at this point.

Okay ....

The fact us you have reacted badly to a parent having the opinion that your son is naughty - which you admit yourself albeit less naughty than he was in reception.

I'm sure you have opinions of your DS classmates

My kids certainly tell me who the naughty cheeky kids are in their classes - as the teacher will often use the child as an example 'now don't copy Jake interupting' Sarah I've asked you twice not to shout out'
Tiffany you need to go to another class to calm down

Your sons behaviour is not a secret and all the kids will take to their parents about what happens in class either him or another child
I think you find this a bit shocking? Who does your DS chat about?

I kind of hoped she was so you could report her to the school and get her in trouble!
Hope your chat with the teacher goes well.

Op I think you are being treated unfairly. I would not be happy about a mum at the gate commenting on my child's behaviour.

Er, I didn't react badly. I reacted politely despite someone making quite rude comments about my son. Reacting badly would have been telling her to f-off and mind her own business. And I wouldn't object to someone saying he was a bit naughty but I do object to her saying that he doesn't concentrate etc and when I say, the teacher says he is doing well/all is fine, she says she knows better and that, oh well that have to let things go in a class of 30?? WTF? So she knows more than me despite not being there. He can't be mucking around as he frequently gets excellent feedback on his written work, maths etc.

Clearly I am too polite. From now on I will be freer with my opinions!

No, I wouldn't say anything. I just wouldn't bother with her much in future. It doesn't really matter what she thinks, does it?