Would you say anything to this mother?

[CandyCrush77]

Was just chatting to another mother at the school gates. Our DSs are in the same class but I don't usually chat to this person or know her very well. DS is (or used to be known) for being quite naughty at school but has improved massively and is now in year 3. He is going well academically and still has reminders in class but no big issues and his teacher seems happy. Both reports at parents evenings have been good. He does still muck around sometimes with another boy (and get a reminder) but nothing worse than that. Anyhow, i start chatting to this woman who proceeds to tell me how badly behaved my son at school and that he struggles to concentrate/focus etc. I was very taken aback and said, well the teacher hasn't said anything to me, to which she said, well that have 30 kids in the class so they have to let some things go. She then said she had seen DS act nicely sometimes so was surprised he misbehaved at school etc etc. I was a bit stunned to be honest and let it go but am now feeling really pissed off about it. DS WAS a bit badly behaved in reception but has come on leaps and bounds since then but he appears to have been labelled by at least one parent as a "'naughty boy". Worse than that, she seemed to think that naughty = stupid which is not the case. Her DS is quite bright and I had the distinct impression she was being quite patronising. Spoke to DS's teacher only this morning, who stopped me to say how well behaved DS had been this week, so definitely no issues that she wanted to raise. I am on the verge of emailing this woman and pulling her up on her comments. The risk if though that I will seem completely mental and destroy any chance of a friendly relationship at the school gates. Any views?

Can I just add, we don't choose our kids and poor behaviour is not always linked to some parental failure. If a child is acting out then that child needs support, not criticism from students and other parents. DS has an unusual personality (autism was suggested and eliminated at one point) and learns in a different way than other kids. He does not need to be pigeonholed or labelled a trouble-maker at this point.

I think we have the full answer here, tbh. Through another child's eyes (reported o their parent) your child is naughty.

You say he has an unusual personality.

She says he doesn't concentrate (again, probably the child repeating what will be said many, many times a day - you yourself has said he needs verbal reminders to behave).

You reply that the teacher says all is OK - well, actually, you know that the teacher has said he does not always behave well but that this is mild (or at least milder than it was) and manly silliness.

She then says something to cover the fact she has two very different opinions of your child's behaviour - and given what you have said in your most recent post, would say that the child's eye in-class observation may well be quite accurate, and actually you know this quite well, but believe that this is based on some underlying SEN rather than being 'naughtiness'.

Definitely not worth e-mailing the other parent about. Definitely worth talking to the teacher 'I know that DS's behaviour has improved with time. Is there still a gap between his behaviour and that you would expect from others his age, and if so, how can we address it together?'

You are right, it's not up to another mum to tell you about your child's behaviour.
On the flip side it is very annoying for kids that behave well all of the time and dont get half the praise the naughtier kids get.
Her son is probably going home moaning about yours.
I do think you sound a little naive, it's possible to do well in school work, be clever and disrupt the class.
My dd has a boy in her class that is top in everything, he is also in time out or similar almost every day because of his behaviour. His mum thinks he is a sensitive soul who is just expressing himself. He is a nice kid but he is disruptive

Revenge is a digs best served cold.

Yours will be your ds leaving his primary school having learnt the benefit of being well behaved, well mannered, doing his best, respecting others and not holding prejudices and preconceptions ie a well adjusted individual with the right building blocks for a happy and successful life.

Her ds, on the other hand.....

Ignore her.

"Digs" = dish. Bloody autocorrect

He can't be mucking around as he frequently gets excellent feedback on his written work, maths etc.

The written comment on work is, 99 times out of 100, a comment on the work. Feedback on behaviour is almost always given verbally, so that the behaviour can be dealt with quickly in a timely manner.

So his behaviour could be DREADFUL and his work might still be marked well, if the work itself is of good quality.

So if a child did 20 Maths questions and got them right, the comment in the bopok would say 'Great Maths work X, you have done X, Y and Z, your bnext step is to do Y.

Verbally, the teacher may have had to redirect your child in terms of behaviour 10x during the Maths lesson - but that won't be written in the book.

"Your sons behaviour is not a secret and all the kids will take to their parents about what happens in class either him or another child "

Maybe, but the other mother was still very rude and unpleasant to share her opinions on OP's son with OP.

"I think you find this a bit shocking?"
My sense is that OP is working closely with the school to improve her dc's attitude and behaviour in class. She comes across as fully aware of the challenges in his behaviour and as a bit stressed and hurt by all of this. Based on her posts, ,she does not seem in denial about any of these issues.

I also agree that challenging behaviour is not always a parenting failure, of course not!

OP, I'd say stay well clear of this tactless other parent, check with the teacher to make sure you and they are doing everything possible to help him settle. It sounds like he is doing great, OP.

Absolutely agree that the other parent was shockingly rude and unpleasant - just not necessarily inaccurate!

There could be a grain of truth in what the other mother said.
However, in this situation that is utterly irrelevant.
It is not the other mother's place to have that conversation with you in the first place. She is out of order.
Next time, tell her/anybody else to MYOB and take any complaints to the teacher.
You are working with the class teacher and the school in an on-going manner re this; that's the main thing.

" just not necessarily inaccurate!"
Quite possibly, in which case OP could take this as an opportunity to get to the bottom of her son's behaviour and experience in school by talking to the teacher. Emailing the other parent would be a big mistake imo. She is of no interest to you OP and certainly not friend material. What she told you, however could be a blessing in disguise, an opportunity to address your lovely de's class behaviour and support him. I'm sure you will work it out. The dc change so rapidly in these early primary years. They develop at their own individual pace and some find it easier than others to sit nice and still for hours on end. They need to learn not being disruptive and have a positive attitude to learning and their peers, but lets' be honest, it is a tall task for some kids, that doesn't make them 'bad' or even naughty'

The parent was very rude, but it might also be true that your ds can be quite disruptive. Dd hates disruptive children and will give a detailed description of the disruption. In fact some of the parents ask her what their child gets up to in class because they know she will give them a less sugar coated view of the interactions in class. Maybe if he is still fairly disruptive then a daily 'thumbs up/ thumbs down' would help to give a clearer picture of the interactions.

zzzzz, not all naughty children have sn, just as not all children with an sn are naughty. Some kids are just badly behaved and some parents are blind to it ( this is a general comment, not aimed at the op)

I think you've made the right decision not emailing her. It was your comment about feel the need to correct - she's entitled to her opinion, even if it is wrong.

As the parent of the child described as 'quirky' by teachers in earlier years, I do feel your pain - it is horrible when someone says something like that. I think teacherwith2kids has nailed it really, if you feel that the other children are not being very supportive or just plain critical of your child's learning style then that is certainly worth taking up with the class teacher.

I know who the naughty kid is in Ds's class. Ds tells me all about it in tones of scandised fascination. Similar to Heat magazine describing a sugarbabes cocaine binge.
Never in a million years would I relay any of this to naughty kids Mum. Because:
A) I am a grown up and couldnt give a shit if little Kane or Jayden threw some sand. And;
B) I am not a bitch that wants to make other Mums feel bad.
OP: Your DS hardly sounds like a problem child. Other Mum on the other hand sounds like a classic "mean girl" and must have pretty limited horizons if shes trying to pull rank on you based on the minutiae of your kids behaviour.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I think the classic MN response of 'Did you mean to be so rude?' would have sufficed.

The moment has passed. Don't email or bring it up and just steer clear. It's not worth the possible resulting dramarama

We have also exchanged emails re a play-date/birthday parties etc. What's so weird about that?

Your son isn't that badly behaved or you wouldn't have such info; there would have been no such invites. :(

Also bear in mind that a lot of the tittle tattling that goes on is amongst those who have difficulties following instructions. I always see children with poor behaviour policing other children and being the first to tell adults. Either way op share any ongoing concerns with the ct and avoid that parent.

Thanks all, this does all sum it up pretty well. DS does not have SEN. I have been in constant close contact with all his teachers throughout. He is definitely in the quirky category but no indication of anything else whatever. I think he can be naughty/silly but I absolutely don't think he is disruptive in class or that his behaviour is on a scale that another child would talking to his mother about it, other than general observations. It is disheartening as DS has really come on leaps and bounds since reception. He's also had challenges such as divorce to deal with so it really annoys me that this other mother has stood there (happily married, only child, works part time) making (inaccurate) judgements about my child.

or that his behaviour is on a scale that another child would talking to his mother about it

Believe you me, young children are intensely aware, at a level of detail that you may find very, very surprising, of the behaviour of others - and the only difference really is between those children who articulate this awareness to parents, and those who reply 'Nothing' to the question 'What happened at school today?'

In other words, there isn't a 'point in behaviour' at which a child might talk to their parent about behaviour of another child - for some children, the fact that another child sneezed, or dropped a pencil shaving on the floor, is worth commenting about to a parent. There are just some children who tell their parents about EVERYTHING, some who deliver edited highlights, and some who say nothing!

My DS would not tell me if another child threw a chair around - though he would talk about it if prompted and he is fully aware of the behaviour. My DD would tell me everything in exhaustive detail about another child who said a single word in assembly. The difference is in the 'relaying child' not in the behaviour IYSWIM?

Teacher is absolutely right, children are keenly aware of these issues in their classroom and they often do like to tell tales - if not to a teacher straight away, then to mum. Who they tell and what behaviors are reported is child dependent.

Of course, the mum was very rude to bring it up with you.

I think that the other mum was being rude, but I have to admit that I've found it hard to bite my tongue and keep quiet around the (very nice) mother of the boy whose behaviour made my daughter cry on a regular basis and start to hate maths because he sat next to her and would tell her that she was stupid (she's not) and that girls can't do maths and deliberately distract her during tests.

But Jasper, that's just it. He isn't making anyone cry on a regular basis or telling people they are stupid etc. His usual "offences" are talking when he's not supposed to, making silly jokes and swinging on his chair. I can ask for a meeting with the teacher but we have been in close contact throughout the year and I don't think she will tell me anything other than he is fine/no major issues.