Play dates - etiquette and advice about giving invitations etc (Reception child)

[handlemecarefully]

Yes I know I am being lazy not checking the archives but ...well... there you go.

DD is in Reception. Play dates are quite a transparent affair (there is a wipe clean board at the entrance to the class where you write "Molly home with Polly" or whatever so that the teacher knows who is turning up at pick up time).

So I am trying not to get mildly paranoid on dd's behalf...

*Yesterday Millie was going home with Maddie
*Today the same Millie is going home with Katharine
*And Jennifer is going home with Sophie

My dd hasn't had a play date invitation yet.
She is completely unaware of this however so not peturbed....but I am.

Is it because I am a little on the periphery of the other mums (i.e. is it my fault?) - I chat pleasantly to them but I am not friends with any of them.

Should I be initiating things by asking dd if she wants anyone around to play? ( I'm sort of reluctant to be proactive in case she asks and 'we' are rejected)

[sandyballs]

These things take time, maybe the others knew each other from nursery or from older siblings.

I would start inviting kids back to yours now and then and see how it goes.

[Furball]

I'd ask your dd who she would like to come to tea/play soon and take it from there. You'll have to track down the parent though to ask or you could give your dd a note to pass on to the friend with your details on so the other mum could ring you.

[foxinsocks]

oh yes, just ask her if she wants someone round to play

remember, the Millies of this world may have known each other before school so are carrying on a play at each other's house tradition

it's still early on in the term

[handlemecarefully]

Sandyballs - yes Jennifer and Sophie have known each other a while I guess, but not so the gregarious Millie!

Furball - which tends to be more effective tracking down the mum in person or writing a note? Or doesn't it matter?

[Oati]

In our reception lots of the mums know each other from toddler groups and I think they meet up with the kids quite often.

ds2 has had one playdate since he started in Sept - he asked me if his friend could come home to tea, and he has since been invited back.

I wasn't in any rush to start it actually as I find it quite stressful initially dealing with an unfamiliar child sans parent

[Enid]

if your dd has a friend whom she really likes invite her! but tbh I wouldnt bother at this age as they are knackered from school anyway

[handlemecarefully]

Are playdate rejections commonplace? [deeply paranoid and pathetic emoticon].

I am worried about raising dd's expectations by asking her if she wants someone around, her saying 'yes, Phoebe', me then inviting Phoebe via a note or similar and not getting a reply.

Although perhaps dd is more robust than I give her credit for.

I want her to be more socially skilled than me I suppose. I am not adept at making small talk etc. I'm great on a one to one but not very adept at large groups of people (school gates) - so don't want me to hold her back

[handlemecarefully]

Are playdate rejections commonplace? [deeply paranoid and pathetic emoticon].

I am worried about raising dd's expectations by asking her if she wants someone around, her saying 'yes, Phoebe', me then inviting Phoebe via a note or similar and not getting a reply.

Although perhaps dd is more robust than I give her credit for.

I want her to be more socially skilled than me I suppose. I am not adept at making small talk etc. I'm great on a one to one but not very adept at large groups of people (school gates) - so don't want me to hold her back

[TenaLady]

Hmm, its for the very reasons you give that I dont get involved in the play date thing.

Others getting upset because their children havent been invited and sometimes the children get upset too.

They have enough interaction at school with their friends.

The other alternative if you do want to spin on the merry go round, invite the whole class back (one at a time) and put it on a rota system. However dont expect invitations back to their's as a given.

There are more takers than givers, just make sure you dont get to be the giver all of the time.

Best avoided me thinks.

[Enid]

more likely for children to accept and then yours not to be nivited back

someone invited dd1 lsat term and I accepted but still havent got round to inviting him back (as cant be arsed not because I dont like him or mother)

[handlemecarefully]

I'd like to avoid Tenalady - but....I think I'd feel a bit guilty on dd's behalf (I do a great line in 'guilt' )

Okay - am going to be strong and broach subject with dd tonight - and then invite our first victim tomorrow

[puddle]

You might want to make it clear to the parent that they are welcome to stay too and you can have some tea and a chat - especially if they don't know you very well.

[sandyballs]

I would think it highly unlikely that you would get rejected to be honest. The other mum would probably be thrilled that their child has been invited.

My DDs are in Year 1 now and I've really let the play date thing slide, can't be arsed with it. Found it very stressful, other peoples kids rampaging round my house and refusing to eat my dinners .

Might start it again when the weather improves and they can all get out in the garden.

[julienetmum]

Something that happens a lot at dd's school is that children go "home" with another child's mum but in reality they are both going to the same after school activity, gym, dance class etc and the mums take it in turns to take them.

Maybe Millie's mum works and she has had to call in a few favours this week which also happens a lot at dd's school.

[Oati]

it does get better over time though esp when the kids are older - ds1 is in yr 3 now and having his friends back is no trouble at all

[julienetmum]

Incidentally dd has only been on 1 playdate. I used to know the mum from an NCT group and I had to make it clear that due to work and other commitments dd was only available on certain days and we would not be able to reciprocate at all.

[Oati]

good point julienetmum - some of the mums at our school regularly take each others kids for work/activity reasons

[TenaLady]

oooh yes beleive me ive done the guilt thing too. I tell myself 'did I have kids around all the time after school?, no never.

They get plenty of playtime with their so called mates at school. (cos they are not really yet the mates they will spend their life with at this stage)

When he gets firm friends that really means something to him rather than this pick a childs name from a hat scenario, I will welcome them with open arms.

[Aderyn]

I don't know if someone has mentioned this but that girl may be being picked up by other girls' mothers because her mother works and these are her childcare arrangements.

My dd has been coming home from Pre-school telling me that F is going home to play at Gs house but I know that Fs mother works and her childminder is on holiday, so she has called in all the favours and F is going home with other children to be looked after, rather than being invited to lots of playdates.

[foxinsocks]

oh I don't mind playdates - means they'll be a return at some point where you can offload yours . It becomes more of a pain when you have to co-ordinate them with other sibs!

Just approach the other mother in the playground - I agree with Enid, it's unlikely you'll be rejected, more like they won't return the favour but also, don't worry if it takes time to do this. I am very bad at remembering who we owe a play to - sometimes it's a deliberate attempt to avoid having someone round but more often than not, it's genuine forgetfulness.

[Kittypickle]

I do the whole playdate thing with DD as she has dyspraxia and having people back has really helped in the playground - especially at the moment now there is a lot of friction amongst all the Year 3 girls.

There are a couple of Mums that look so unfriendly that I haven't asked them, and luckily up until now DD hasn't asked for their DD's to come and play. She has now and I am working up to it. But mostly people have been very pleased and friendly about the whole thing. And the payback is that she gets invited back which makes it lovely and peaceful for an extra couple of hours after school and only DS to feed that night. And, as I've got to know the other mothers better it means that if I have an emergency there are a few people that I can ring and ask them to pick up/take DD to school.

If I were you I'd get her to suggest two or three that she might like, so if she choses one who scares the living daylights out of you, there is another option (But you might not be as much of a wimp as I am !)

[Tommy]

we haven't done any yet except people we knew before (and the mums have come too for a cup of tea)
TBH, I think DS1 still needs me at the end of the school day as he's still exhausted from it all. Another mum did mention the other day that her DD would like to invite him round for tea which would be interesting for her as he eats nothing!

[arfishy]

Good question hmc. I'm just starting to dabble in this sort of area myself.

I wouldn't stress about the board - it's quite possible that these children already know each other through older siblings rather than having already make bosom buddies since school began (or the fact that all the other mums inexplicably hate you ).

DD is best friends with a girl at her pre-school class (she's 4) and I met the other girl's dad for the first time today at the lockers, introduced myself (shook hands, in retrospect this was terribly British of me and what's worse is that they are SE Asian and probably thought I was completely barking) and said I'd love the girls to meet up one weekend and should I just put a note in the the parent pocket with some dates?

They might think I'm mad/doing it all wrong but if they don't answer our invitation then it might be for any number of reasons (not least because they think I'm barking or that DD has been persuading their DD to nag for a cat) and at least I've tried. I won't take it personally for me or DD.

I suppose it's easier for me as I'm a foreigner here so I just blunder along doing things wrong and get excused. I'd still just say go ahead and try, whatever happens it's probably nothing to do with you or your DD if you get rebuffed, but you've tried, and you might also get some playdates out of it too (and all the other mums might be grateful that you took the first step).