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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Play dates - etiquette and advice about giving invitations etc (Reception child)

92 replies

handlemecarefully · 17/01/2007 11:00

Yes I know I am being lazy not checking the archives but ...well... there you go.

DD is in Reception. Play dates are quite a transparent affair (there is a wipe clean board at the entrance to the class where you write "Molly home with Polly" or whatever so that the teacher knows who is turning up at pick up time).

So I am trying not to get mildly paranoid on dd's behalf...

*Yesterday Millie was going home with Maddie
*Today the same Millie is going home with Katharine
*And Jennifer is going home with Sophie

My dd hasn't had a play date invitation yet.
She is completely unaware of this however so not peturbed....but I am.

Is it because I am a little on the periphery of the other mums (i.e. is it my fault?) - I chat pleasantly to them but I am not friends with any of them.

Should I be initiating things by asking dd if she wants anyone around to play? ( I'm sort of reluctant to be proactive in case she asks and 'we' are rejected)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sauce · 17/01/2007 11:34

Unfriendly-looking mums are terrifying, agreed. (Especially if they are thin, elegant & perfectly groomed in an effortless sort of way!) One of my closest friends is like this but she isn't the slightest bit snotty. Give it some time; smile & say hello to everyone whose eyes you meet & soon you'll feel comfortable enough to start chatting.

Fireflyfairy2 · 17/01/2007 11:35

Katies mum takes my dd 3 days a week to an afterschools club that the girls go to. Sarah's gran will take her if Katies mum can't. Or there's days I will take Katie, & Sarah & perhaps Ellie too.... we're always doing favours.

Now what people might not know that Sarah is my sisters child, Katie is Sarahs cousin on the other side & Ellie is my dh's employees dd... so we all have been friendly for ages. I'd hate to think people are offended or annoyed thinking they are play dates, they're not, I couldn't handle it for on thing!!

frogs · 17/01/2007 11:35

Yes, would think the children concerned are either friends from before school, or the mothers are sharing school runs.

Really, really no need to get paranoid. Second and subsequent children tend to come with a built-in social life from friends they've acquired through older siblings or mother's mates from ante-natal years ago. I'm now onto child 3 and frankly can't be arsed to initiate playdates for her, as I'm up to my eyes already. So I mostly take the easy option of letting her tag along with people we already know. I'd be perfectly open to approaches from other parents suggesting playdates, but probably wouldn't initiate myself, unless the children were clearly gearing up to be each others best mates.

But I think with an oldest child you have to take the initiative, otherwise it won't happen. I probably would ask your dd whether she'd like to invite anyone home, then buttonhole the mum (or put a note in the bookbag) saying 'DD is always talking about Sophie, they seem to get on so well it would be lovely if she could some to tea one day, which day is good for you?' Or suggest joint visit to soft play etc if you like the look of the mother.

hth

arfishy · 17/01/2007 11:35

And when I started my answer I was the first person to respond, hence the fact that I have just repeated everybody else.

That'll teach me to waffle and then go back to check my apostrophes.

sauce · 17/01/2007 11:36

It was great in the old days when I was in primary. We all walked to school with our mums or grannies & lived in the same neighborhood so played at each other's houses after school.

Oati · 17/01/2007 11:37

more good points frogs

are you feeling better about it yet HMC?

sauce · 17/01/2007 11:38

Playdates still sounds weird to me. I think everyone else has given excellent advice!

Anchovy · 17/01/2007 11:42

Ds moved up to reception in September from the nursery at the same school. About half of the children in reception are new, so I can see how some of them may have felt their child was at a bit of a disadvantage - and also how some of the children already know eah other really well. One of the mothers of the new children was very proactive sized up DS as a likely friend (he is one of the older boys in the class, like her son), and emailed me to say she would like to arrange for him to come and play. She did, and then sent a really nice email afterwards saying what lovely manners DS had so I am now positively in love with her. The 2 boys play together very nicely now.

I reckon a bit of flattery and a slightly thick skin and it will be fine.

Interestingly I understand that the least popular child in the class for playdates is the one who is a VERY fussy eater. When DS's friend's mother said he had fantastic manners, we think that translated as "eats everything"!

franca70 · 17/01/2007 11:48

I really want to ask my mother if for her it was such a thraumatizing experience negotiating her first (and mine) relationships at school.
ds has just started school, I'm not english, didn't grow up here, and find it incredibly difficult to break the ice with other mums, so I'm dreading the prospect. thanks hmc to have raised the subject, I just realised that I'm not alone then!

Furball · 17/01/2007 11:49

HMC - I thought it would be a good idea to suggest a note just in case you don't actually know which child belongs to which parent. But if you don know the parent, I'd ask directly.

Furball · 17/01/2007 11:50

meant if you DO know the parent

Bozza · 17/01/2007 11:56

Agree with what everyone says. There are two boys in DS's class that I have been friends with the mothers since DS was a baby. I hardly even count these as playdates. Sometimes we will both be sat together with our 2yo DDs having a drink, so it makes sense for one of us to stay with the girls and the other to go get the boys. And obviously if the CM is on holiday I turn to these for after school on my work days.

I have invited other children though and find this more stressful. I have never turned down or been turned down for a play date. Of the three I have invited (see, not going for it big time) two were me recipricating, but the one other has not recipricated. But he was lovely while he was here so I may invite him again anyway.

Hulababy · 17/01/2007 12:08

I just speak to the mum of the girls DD wants tocome home. Ask if xx wants to come and play and have tea one night next week, find day which suits both and that's it. I decided to just go for it. DD loves having friend's back and going to friend's houses after school.

Hulababy · 17/01/2007 12:12

My DD goes to same girl's house every Tuesday - I got to know her mum at start of term, girls got on and she offered to take DD home on Tues on my late work finish, so I can collect DD on way past. Know them better now, so that turns into a chat and tea before leaving.

DD will also have one, sometimes two, other play dates that week - to ours or to someone else's house. So it can look as if she has lots - but the Tues is set up as a proper arrangement between me and friend's mum.

I just ask in the playfgground, whilst waiting to collect DD after school - if DD has asked to have a friend home.

Bozza · 17/01/2007 12:17

I would have more, but pretty regularly meet up with my friends and their DSs as I described on a Friday and work Tues-Thurs so that only leaves Monday.

Kittypickle · 17/01/2007 12:54

My DD is a fussy eater so I warn the parents and tell them to please serve whatever they would normally be eating, that if she doesn't eat it, then that's tough luck on her and for them please to not take it personally. She knows that she must try some and if she doesn't like it she is not to go "ewwwwwww, it's horrible" as she is prone to doing at home, and must sit there politely not complaining until everyone is finished.

As for a bit of flattery going a long way, being told as soon as the door opened that "she has been a complete delight, so polite" as happened last night definitely did it for me

I should add that this is a friend of hers whose mother died just over a year ago and it was a huge deal for her Dad to have one of his DD's back, I think he was expecting it to be a complete nightmare, so any child who was remotely well behaved would have got this response.

TheWillowTree · 17/01/2007 13:13

HMC it is even worse once your dd gets invited elsewhere.

The worry about 'will she behave', 'will i be able to get her out of the house at the end without a tantrum', 'will they cope with her being a vegetarian', 'will ds kick up a fuss and demand to go too when she is taken home by other mother' ... i could go on for ever!

But it is great for them and they love having friends over and ultimately it can build into a real friendship for the mothers. I get on really well with one of dd's best friend's mothers so we meet up at weekends etc too now. And also with one of ds's friend's mother who was very proactive (as soeone earlier said) and arranged playdates before term even began!!!

As others have said it does mean I have a store of goodwill built up if i need to call in a favour if dh is away or i am running late.

Works well at the moment as dd stays for dancing one day til 4pm whereas ds finishes at 3.15pm; one of dd's friend's mother has offered to bring her home and save me waiting around or coming back out - fab!

Gameboy · 17/01/2007 13:21

Why I don't like playdates.... (Part 1)

'cos we already have a long-standing friendship with another family and our kids/ their kids visit every week...(so not inclined to have more playdates)

'cos for DS2 the Mums want to stay, and I get bored sitting around drinking coffee

'cos if just the DSs are here together I feel I can get on with other stuff, but if I have a "playdate-ee" here then I feel I have to 'hover, supervise, organise'

'cos I have to worry about cooking something 'proper' for tea, whereas my kids normally have sandwiches (they have school lunches)

'cos if you've been to someone's house, and then go through the process of having them back, and then think "that's OK then..." another blinking invitation wings its way over, and off you go again.

I don't really like other people's children as much as my own

Bah humbug......

Original poster

handlemecarefully · 17/01/2007 13:22

That's great advice - thanks all

Firefairyfly - I'm not offended or annoyed by the other play dates going on, was just wondering why dd was out of the loop and what I should be doing ...

OP posts:

eastend · 17/01/2007 13:43

My ds who has just started nursery school is about to go on his first playdate...I am very excited which says something about my unexciting life. Have a friend who never lets her dd go on a playdate without first seen the house where the playdate will take place. She wants to make sure there aren't any drugs lying around, trailing wires, wide open windows, etc. But this is the tough eastend aftera all. I am a bit more relaxed at the moment.

Hulababy · 17/01/2007 13:47

gameboy - I never hover and supervise when DD has a friend back. I leave them to it as much as possible. They disappear up to her bedroom or playroom, and play. I check in just before dinner is served - tidy up a bit and wash hands. I am around whilst they eat, and then I check in again before they leave - again to do a bit of tidying, although I do most of it. I like DD to have playdates back as I get some time to myself and don't have to join in the playing as much as when on my own wuith DD

Chandra · 17/01/2007 13:50

To add a further twist... what do you do when the child your DS has more rows with at school insists in being invited for a playdate?

He is so cute asking to come home everytime I see him but DS doesn't want him around, and his mother has contacted me twice to ask if he can come... I would say yes but knowing how they end up...

Gameboy · 17/01/2007 14:45

Chandra - That's rather rude IMO! Say no!

It is your home after all! I always tell the DSs off if they 'ask' to go to someones house in front of the Mum....

Gameboy · 17/01/2007 14:47

Hula - I don't really hover that much - it's just that the 4 year olds seem to need a bit more supervision.

DS1 (7) just disappears with his friends.

I'm just being grumpy really!

Twiglett · 17/01/2007 14:52

DS has a playdate 3 or 4 nights a week

once you get into them I find it hard to get out of them

have never been rejected .. why would you be?

they're a good way of getting to know people .. mums and kids .. I find

just don't make a big deal of it and let the kids play and take time for yourself

HTH

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