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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

What is the correct response when a teacher tells you about your DC's poor behaviour?

84 replies

walkingtheplank · 15/10/2015 18:30

DS has been playing up at school - low level stuff e.g. talking too much, lying about what he's done etc.

3 times the teacher has asked to speak to me. She says, "I just want to tell you...." The first 2 times I apologised and agreed it was unacceptable. After her initial sentence I felt that I had to apologise and fill in the space. The 3rd time I didn't apologise, instead asking her what she planned to do about it which she seemed surprised by.

So, how do you respond? What response do teachers want?

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lifeissweet · 15/10/2015 18:36

There is no particular response we're after. We are informing you. The hope is that you will reinforce what we have said to the child about their behaviour.
We inform parents so that everyone can be on the same page and so that the child knows that what they do at school will be shared with their parents.

It is also so it doesn't come to parents' evening or report time only to be told 'well that's the first I've heard of it!' When we tell them their child does not always behave well.

All part of the school-parent partnership.

You don't need to apologise on their behalf. But a comment to your child such as 'I hope you apologised and won't do that again' might be in order and then thank the teacher for telling you - you aren't being judged or told off!

cansu · 15/10/2015 18:39

I suppose she wants you to say thank you for telling me. That's obviously unacceptable. I will of course support you in whatever consequences you think are appropriate for this. Maybe you can suggest a report card or something so you can see how he has done that day and reward him if he has a good day? I can however see your point about what you are expected to do. Some parents want to know everything and others are happy to let you deal with the day to day stuff. Personally I would not be informing parents of every little misdemeanour. However if I thought a child had serious behaviour issues or wasn't responding to whatever discipline strategies I was using, I might contact the parents to let them know and also to get some ideas from them about what works at home or whether they have difficulty with the child etc etc.

user789653241 · 15/10/2015 18:43

I can understand your frustration. As a parent, we can punish dc, tell him off etc, but we can't really control the child at school.
It is really difficult situation. Of course we want children to behave, and listen to teachers, but what can we do?
I am sure I will talk to dc and try to make him understand until the problem has been solved, but at the same time, I would expect teachers to do something about it as well.

Narp · 15/10/2015 18:47

How old is he?

Asking what she planned to do about it was perhaps a bit tactless. It sort of suggests that maybe you think it's nothing to do with you. If it's the sort of behaviour that doesn't really happen at home, or cause trouble, but is a PITA at school, then there may not be all that much you can do.

But what the teacher wants to hear is that you support the school

Ask what the school's approach to this is, and reinforce the fact that you (hopefully) support it and will speak to him about it.

Low level stuff is every time-consuming for the teacher to deal with, and unfair on other children.

She might also want your ideas as to why he is behaving like this?

Feenie · 15/10/2015 18:54

Narp · 15/10/2015 18:56

Feenie

Why the face?

Feenie · 15/10/2015 19:13

I am irritated that the OP actually had to ask. As a parent, it's obvious you should be showing some kind of support for the school over your child's poor behaviour.

HackAttack · 15/10/2015 19:22

Feenie I don't think she is unwilling to support the school I think she wants clearer guidance, i.e. we are trying this in school can you follow at home? or could you have this discussion with your child?

Arrogant, prickish emoticons probably are less than helpful to a parent trying to manage her child's behaviour and the resulting impact in school. I do hope you are not a teacher.

Feenie · 15/10/2015 19:26

Bingo!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/10/2015 19:26

I think I'd say, "Thank you for telling me. I'll have a quiet word in his ear. Is there anything else you can suggest that you and I can do to deal with this?"

Feenie · 15/10/2015 19:28

The 3rd time I didn't apologise, instead asking her what she planned to do about it which she seemed surprised by.

She was surprised by your poor response, yes.

capsium · 15/10/2015 19:30

It is supporting the teacher by asking what they are proposing to do. Doing this opens discussion regarding finding solutions to problematic behaviour rather than merely reporting or complaining about it. The OP is correct she cannot manage her child's behaviour remotely. Tbh I would be expecting the teacher, as the 'professional' to be opening discussion with regard to solutions.

HackAttack · 15/10/2015 19:32

Exactly capsium, I'll certainly always work with anyone around my children's behaviour but I'd far rather have a practical discussion rather than just stand around apologising.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 19:37

Asking what they propose to do about while making it clear that you will work alongside them to sort out the problem is fine.
Asking it in isolation is rude and dismissive.

MissDemelzaCarne · 15/10/2015 19:39

I learnt not to apologise as it puts you on the back foot immediately. My DS has AS and had a Statement of SEN so of course his behaviour was less than desirable at times.

Original poster

walkingtheplank · 15/10/2015 19:40

Feenie, At no point have I said that I don't support the school. I don't say anything to the school to indicate to the school that I don't support them - neither did I in the OP actually. I've just reread it to check that I didn't.

Are you suggesting that the correct response is, "Thank you, I support what you are doing in relation to my child's behavior" despite the teacher not actually sharing the strategy with me? If not, what is the best way to indicate my support?

Thank you Narp for your thoughts. Unfortunately the teacher is neither sharing her thoughts with me or asking me for mine - just a vague one liner about poor behaviour which is why I end up trying to fill the conversational void.

I did make some suggestions today about how I would deal with the same type of situation at home after she was unable to share with me her own strategy and she just smiled at me and the conversation petered out. I'm not sure how the conversation is supposed to conclude.

Cansu - they do have a report card - have had for a few years. In his case he never gets the positive stamp for normal good behaviour, its only been used to give a negative stamp on these 3 occasions so he's not finding it motivating.

OP posts:

Original poster

walkingtheplank · 15/10/2015 19:41

I see there were more responses whilst I was typing. I'm going to ignore Feenie's posts and pray that she is not a teacher.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2015 19:46

Why are you appalled at the idea of Feenie being a teacher?
You seem incredibly defensive of your child's misbehaviour.

Leavingsosoon · 15/10/2015 19:48

Ultimately, the teachers' job is to teach, not install good manners and behaviour in your child.

I can see why the teacher was taken aback!

Original poster

walkingtheplank · 15/10/2015 19:52

Flogging - Because Feenie has made so many assumptions about how I feel about my child's behaviour - as you have just done too.

I am so disappointed and surprised by my DS's behaviour and he's got himself labelled as trouble in the teacher's eyes for a whole academic year now. I have talked so much about this with him at home so to have you and Feenie making wild assumptions is really upsetting actually and if that is how the teacher feels despite my apologies, working with DS at home and seeking a strategy with his teacher then I am at a loss as to what to do.

However, the question was not - is my child awful and am I crap mum too, but how am I supposed to respond when a teacher asks to talk to me and then in about 10 words mentions 'poor behaviour' without elaborating and then stops talking.

I deliberated as to whether to ask the question on MN too for this very reason.

OP posts:

Original poster

walkingtheplank · 15/10/2015 19:53

Thanks Leaving for your contribution too. It's been so helpful.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/10/2015 19:55

Asking what they propose to do about while making it clear that you will work alongside them to sort out the problem is fine.
Asking it in isolation is rude and dismissive.

I agree with this. A lot depends on your tone which we can't get from your op.

Feenie · 15/10/2015 20:01

I don't say anything to the school to indicate to the school that I don't support them

But neither do you say anything to the school to indicate you do support them. Which was rather my point.

I replied as a parent. As an experienced teacher, I would be full of helpful suggestions as to how to proceed - but privately I would be taken aback at your seeming lack of support and rather rude 'What do you intend to do about it' as an isolated response.

On a parenting forum, I have no such need for private thoughts, and may be blunt if I so wish.

HackAttack · 15/10/2015 20:07

Feenie OP asked for advice, which would pretty much suggests she wants to address issues. You have been rude and unhelpful from a parental stance and from a professional one.

OP why don't you ask the teacher if you can sit down together and do some planning around behaviour? Hopefully she is more professional and less insensitive than some of the posters on here.

Feenie · 15/10/2015 20:09

Meh - pot, kettle.

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