What is the correct response when a teacher tells you about your DC's poor behaviour?

[walkingtheplank]

DS has been playing up at school - low level stuff e.g. talking too much, lying about what he's done etc.

3 times the teacher has asked to speak to me. She says, "I just want to tell you...." The first 2 times I apologised and agreed it was unacceptable. After her initial sentence I felt that I had to apologise and fill in the space. The 3rd time I didn't apologise, instead asking her what she planned to do about it which she seemed surprised by.

So, how do you respond? What response do teachers want?

Okay so you are judgmental, deliberately upsetting an op asking for help and also immature? And you teach? yikes!

It's helpful for the school to know that you support them, and will work with them to find out why his behaviour isn't what they expect. What does your ds say when you ask him? Does he behave like this at home? Is there anything out of the ordinary happening in his home life which may be a reason for the behaviour? That's the sort of thing that they need to know, and why they try and have a conversation with you. I have been on both sides of the classroom door, and often your perception of how they are dealing with it is not the same as reality. If you are unhappy about what they are doing, then go and see the head and ask for further clarification.

Go feenie!!
Am with you!

I've been in the same position. My DS sometimes throws strops and hides in the cloak room. I'm like, "yeah, he struggles with his temper. I'll talk to him about it."

But there's not much we can really do. We don't abuse or neglect him. He's not in need of specialist intervention or anything. Just have to wait for him to grow out of it. Which seems to be happening lately, come to think of it.

(When I talk to him, I try to encourage him to talk about his feelings, empathise, and remind him of ways he can deal with frustration.)

I've had minor issues with my DS over the years due to talking in class. When approached by the teacher, I am always engaged and extremely disappointed and angry at DS. He always receives a punishment as a result and I've often checked back with the teacher to see if things have improved. They've always been kind and he's never been labelled as a trouble maker as a result.

Walking, I'm sorry if you felt I was unhelpful.

To elaborate, perhaps we are talking at cross purposes. When I was teaching, the importance of involving parents was emphasised repeatedly, going as far as 'make it their problem' (this is the mantra at many schools.)

Parents have far more sanctions available than teachers. Confiscating toys, technology, limiting tv time, grounding, pocket money stopped to name but a few. All teachers can really do is tell off/keep in at play (often counterproductive for disruptive children anyway and means the teacher loses their chance to have a wee!)

Also, most children (most, before everyone shouts me down) despite appearances are desperate to please mum and dad.

The responses I used to love when teaching (and this was secondary) were:

'I will certainly have a word with him/her!'
'Don't worry, Mrs X, this behaviour will NOT continue and if it does, please let me know!'
'I have taken her iPod off her, and she will get it back as soon as you tell me her attitudes improved!'

It's that 'no,we will not accept this and we are behind you every step of the way' that's so valuable.

Discipline of the child ultimately is down to you, the parent, and I'm saying that nicely (and I am far from strict but I will back the school to the hilt if needs be.)

Mutton - 'there's not much we can do.'

Thats ineffective. If there's not much you can do with a primary aged child, it'll be a nightmare when he or she hits their teens.

If my child did something really nasty or mean to another child, I would suspend a privilege at home.

My son's strops are due to some development delays (speech and general maturity) and I think he's doing his best to cope with frustration. To punish him would make things worse. So I talk to him.

Seems to be working OK as he's been much better of late.

If it is working it's not ineffective.

Having a strategy - whether that's talking to the child, punishing or sanctioning - doesn't matter if it works. To helplessly turn to the teacher is ineffective. It's that I and others are saying is not fair on anybody.

But I still looked at the teacher, felt guilty, and thought "there's not much I can do." I knew he'd be throwing another one within the week. I also knew he'd get better in time.

Okay so you are judgmental, deliberately upsetting an op asking for help and also immature? And you teach? yikes!

I see you are unfamiliar with the concept of pots and kettles. Unfortunately, I cannot be arsed to explain it to you.

But do carry on, won't you?

You may have thought it, but you did something.

That's what counts.

No the OP asked what the correct response is when a teacher tells you that your child is misbehaving and was surprised that asking what the teacher intended to do wasn't a helpful response.

I get it, you were saying I've been just as bad which is incorrect on two points.

I am not a teacher well placed to give helpful advice choosing to upset someone for no reason.

Also

I actually advised the OP, from a non professional point of view, but at least well meant.

I have only been rude to you as you have taken great pleasure attempting to belittle someone asking for help.

Ultimately, the teachers' job is to teach, not install good manners and behaviour in your child.

Teachers are responsible for behaviour management in schools by law.

Personally I would not sanction a child and home if they have already been sanctioned at school. This is just sanctioning them twice. No parent I know would ask a child to be sanctioned at school for undesirable behaviour which took place at home. Added to this questions should be asked concerning what is triggering the bad behaviour at school if a child is normally well behaved elsewhere.

At home, not and home. Typo.

What year is he in OP?

I think his age will have a bearing on things.

My DS really struggled. (as did his poor teachers ) with various issues. He has ASD (not diagnosed at that age) and his behaviours were a manifestation of sensory overload.

I think sharing how you manage poor behaviour at home is a good idea. Also reinforcing what his teacher is saying too.

For some children it's a simple maturity issue and they improve as they grow and have more of an idea about expected behaviour.

Uh-huh. I can actually imagine you polishing that halo whilst typing your PA.

Clearly, I am now even more in need of wine this evening than i had originally thought.

It depends on the behaviour capsium

If my child forgot his homework and got a detention, I'd probably laugh at him, saying something like 'serves you right!'

If my child was rude to the teacher or was repeatedly disrupting the class, there would be some very stern words. I certainly wouldn't be saying 'oh well, you've been punished at school ...'

Schools have very, very few sanctions available. Detention and suspension and that's it. That's why low level stuff is so awful: it wrecks other children's chances of a decent education but never goes so far that a serious sanction can be used. As such, schools rely on parents to work with them and I am surprised any parent would shrug off repeated poor behaviour.

lol good luck op, I'm checking out now, good luck with it all

Stern words maybe. Sanctions at home no. The consequences are generally the child learns less and homework is subsequently more difficult. This is a deterrent in itself. Having to research stuff learnt at home in order to do homework or ask how to do it in break at school is time consuming. However I do lose respect for teachers who cannot deal with low level stuff.

Capsium, do you realise how disruptive low level stuff actually is?

I wonder how you would deal with a child who won't stop talking, bashing rulers/pens on the desk (this was always my pet hate when teaching) shouting out or throwing stuff? All that's classed as 'low level disruption' and believe me, nine or ten kids who won't stop talking wrecks a lesson.

How to deal with it? You have two options - one is generally a detention of some description after warnings and arguments about the warnings and the other is ... phoning parents, who apparently in this case think the teacher should be dealing with it.

At the risk of sounding horribly snide, there is a correlation between children who behave disruptively in the classroom and parents who won't action anything at home.

The consequences are generally the child learns less and homework is subsequently more difficult

a) the whole class learns less and homework is subsequently more difficult
b) persistently disruptive children often don't do homework anyway!
c) homework is a tool to appease parents; it doesn't replace learning time in the lesson.

Why should my child have his education compromised because someone else's can't be quiet?

It's just basic respect.

Just wanted to say thanks to those who have been supportive and constructive. Sorry that you had to put up with other people looking for an argument.

I've had some food for thought but will bow out too.

Leaving I am really surprised by the 'make it the parents problem' mantra

I had always been told the exact opposite ie that it is wrong and ineffective to punish a young child twice, some time after the event for something they did in school and far better to leave the school to address it at the time the behaviour occurs.

I would never undermine the teacher and would be very willing to have a word or to discuss strategies we use at home but I would not offer to give a home punishment. My kids are primary though and not had to face this is reality yet.

It's everyone's problem