What is the correct response when a teacher tells you about your DC's poor behaviour?

[walkingtheplank]

DS has been playing up at school - low level stuff e.g. talking too much, lying about what he's done etc.

3 times the teacher has asked to speak to me. She says, "I just want to tell you...." The first 2 times I apologised and agreed it was unacceptable. After her initial sentence I felt that I had to apologise and fill in the space. The 3rd time I didn't apologise, instead asking her what she planned to do about it which she seemed surprised by.

So, how do you respond? What response do teachers want?

I always taught in secondary mama, but I don't think anyone, least of all me, is advocating 'punishing twice' but rather, making expectations clear - I've had to have a firm word with mine once or twice in the last twelve months or so - and offering support and backup to the teacher.

If my eight year old has been chatty, I would remind him how disruptive that is and tell him he needs to be quiet.

If my fifteen year old told the teacher to piss off, I would absolutely bollock him and I would absolutely punish then!

It's all about age appropriate stuff - but I would never make it the teachers problem. It's my child and their behaviour is a reflection on how I've brought them up, after all. If they are being rude, obnoxious, annoying or disruptive then I do want to know and I will act on it, whether that's a "don't do that" or a "give me that iPad NOW and you will not leave your room until your thirtieth birthday!'

I actually think the question 'want are you going to do about it?' Is a good one.

It might be that the parents has already tried some techniques at home and they have/haven't worked.
It might be that the 'bad behaviour' is actually indicative of other issues.
It might be that the teacher is going to try and new approach and the parent needs to spurt this at home and reinforce. But it's hard to do that if you don't know WHAT is the new technique.

I really don't think that just saying 'oh little Johnny was disruptive today, he never stopped chatting.' Wo going further is helpful tbh. What is the teacher expecting exactely? It's easy to give the right answer but if y ou have no more info that 2 sentences telling you he was told off, there isn't a lot you can do about it at home.

Leaving yes, I'm afraid you do sound horribly snide. With this type of attitude I am not surprised you find low level disruption such a problem. You are not really seeking solutions if you are attempting to offload class behaviour management problems onto parents.

A huge amount of behaviour problems ARE down to parents though!

Also I love the assumption that parents will punish their dcs. I never punish my dcs, never have. So I'm not going to do it for stuff they do at school.

Having said that, I also believe the behaviour needs an immediate sanction. Not something done several hours after and wo knowing exactely what has happened.
It's like you are saying 'no iPad for two days because ... You didn't behave well'. How is it going to make sense to the child?
If you were to punish, surely it needs to be very specific??

Finally, as a parent, I would want to know exactely what has happened, what has happened before etc...
The. I would work with my child to improve that behaviour at home.
Eg they can't just interrupt people when they want to say something, they need to wait to take their turn.
Or maybe have some time in the day that are 'quiet times' when everyone is doing a quiet activity.
Whatever, but my emphasis would NOT be on punishing but on teaching and helping my child to be able to do all these things easily.

Teachers are responsible for behaviour management in schools by law
Sweet Jesus . Do you really imagine you can abdicate responsibility for teaching your child how to behave decently because the teachers are lawfully obliged to do it for you?? (Even if that were true?)
No wonder there are so many kids starting school in nappies. Not related to behaviour, obviously, but indicates the same mind set.

Oh come on, capsium, it's definitely you who sounds horribly snide there:

With this type of attitude I am not surprised you find low level disruption such a problem

I don't think you could have been more snide if you'd tried! All teachers find low level disruption a problem - it's how they deal with it that counts. Do feel free to tell us how you would handle it - but I bet you anything you skirt the issue

Yes myname but now do you think that the parents who are responsible to the bad behaviour of their child will actually do anything efficient to correct that?
Clearly they have so far not succeeded in doing so. What makes you think that because a teacher told them their child is not behaving well, they will suddenly do so?

Would the OP prefer for the teacher to deal with the poor behaviour in schools and not bother to pass on the information?

Then very genuinely capsium, what solutions do you feel are appropriate that the teacher should be dishing out?

The last thing I want to do is sound snide, and I am certainly not one of the 'oh, poor teachers' cheerleaders on here, but would any of us really be thrilled to discover, sometime in February or March, that our DC has been a pain in the arse all year?

Would any of us really expect our child to be in a class that stops and starts and stops and starts like the M6 around Birmingham at rush hour because of a couple of kids who keep interrupting and calling out?

Do any of us honestly think that home and school are separate worlds and one doesn't impact on the other at all?

My child's behaviour is my problem. I am not, despite what some may think, a strict parent at all and I err far more towards 'let's talk about this behaviour' than 'how very dare you ...' but I have impressed upon DC the importance of respect and talking out of turn in class lacks respect and as such, if DS does so (sister isn't yet school age) I do want to know about it, and I will tell DS off and reinforce that message he's had from me throughout life.

It does genuinely surprise me that anyone would do anything different.

Feenie I would deal with it by being engaging. Schools should also talk to children about what sort of behaviour helps them learn. Finally I would talk with parents to find out more about their child, to see if there are any triggers which affect their child's behaviour that they are aware of and how they deal with these.

leaving I'm not sur that the behaviour of the child is ALWAYS a reflection of the parenting they've had.

I have a Y7 who is clearly not enthusiastic about school and has made a few remarks that were inappropriate. I told him I was fully agreeing with the teacher.
BUT, the reason he is acting like this (and this is only in relation to school) is because the school has let him down.
The behaviour lies very clearly an issue with the school.

I've had a few other situations like this with dc2 too (except that dc2 didn't misbehave at school. He did at home because of the school attitude. But that didn't matter as it was ... At home).

That's also why it's so important for the teacher to actually talk TO the parents, not just talk AT them.

DDs class is suffering 'low level disruption' and has been since year 5 when two boys joined the school from another feeder school.

Last year was a bloody nightmare, which culminated in the NQT that taught the class quitting teaching. I am in no doubt that these boys kicked her confidence into the gutter.

This year, so far I would estimate these boys have lost the class at least an hours teaching every single day. That is not an exaggeration - and worse, it is already showing. The class as a whole is already way behind where the previous year was at this stage. The bloody excellent year 6 teacher is tearing her hair out and starting to question herself. DD has gone from being eager to please and always doing her best to 'whatever' and 'what's the point?'

Both parents are of the "my perfect boy can do no wrong" and "what do you expect me to do about it" ilk.

Disruption on any level effects the whole class. Bloody parents are selfish if they don't do more to stop it.

So:

Trying to plan interesting and engaging lessons that minimise poor behaviour - most teachers do this as a matter of course, but there are some situations and some children where believe me, you could strip naked and swing from the whiteboard and it wouldn't engage them!

'Talking to children about the sort of behaviour that helps them learn' - if you asked my DS this question, he would say a quiet classroom and a teacher he felt he could talk to if he didn't understand something (i.e. not having to talk over loads of other chattering kids) help him learn. I don't think he's that unusual.

Talking to parents to find out more about their child - is what this thread is about.

On the rare occasions school have had to raise behaviour problems with me about either of ours, the teacher has always explained

1 - what they did wrong
2 - what sanctions have been implemented
3 - what the plan is going forward to manage the behaviour

I then, as a parent, can reinforce that at home.

Just saying 'x is behaving badly' with no further info is very vague, and I'm not surprised that the OP asked the question she did.

No, of course it's not Pacific, but to me, it is, that's how I see it, if you follow me.

I would be and have been disappointed in DCs if they behaved badly.

The teacher has obviously told the OP what her child has done (chatting and lying are mentioned in the OP)

The school has let your just started Year 7 down, Pacific? And they're responsible for his inappropriate behaviour...

The teacher in the OP tried to engage the parent, who by her own admission did not reciprocate. You don't know that the teacher did not talk to the child, that's an unreasonable assumption to make.

Leaving the teacher in question was complaining she did not seem interested in a genuinely productive conversation.

When I talk about behaviour conducive to learning it could be things such as managing distractions, listening and contributing, asking appropriate questions, taking notes, having the correct equipment, doing the correct preparation.

flogging I'm not sure that what is happening with my own DC has anything to do with this thread.
But yes, they've managed to change a really keen learner, happy to go to school into someone who doesn't want to go to school, is frustrated and unhappy.
And yes this is the school who did that.

His behaviour is his and his responsibility alone. His unhappiness, at the root of his behaviour, is theirs.
(Note fwiw, dc1 has never ever been in trouble and has always been commented to be a very mature child, helpful blabla. The 'example' to follow. I'm pretty sure that it's neither my parenting that is at stake. Nor his lack knowing what an appropriate behaviour is)

I'm with feenie and mrz. It does of course depend on how the OP said "what are you going to do about it?" because as it stands, the suggestion is that it is entirely down to the teacher and it is not.

That said, if the behaviour was so poor that I had to speak to a parent three times within, what is it now, five weeks, I would be explaining what my plan is and asking the parent their view on it and what they felt able to do to support it at home. To simply complain about a child's behaviour with no suggestion of making a plan to improve it is dispiriting.

I think the correct response would be "that's appalling, I will certainly talk to him about it. I wonder if we can sit down and make a plan together to address these issues". That way the support is there but also forward thinking to some kind of resolution rather than just a complaining chat.

I'd want to know the context of the behaviour and if it involved other children; what happened before and after your dc did whatever he did. Also how did the teacher deal with all the children involved . I am concerned as to how she knows he is lying. Did she witness what he did? In which case do not ask him , say i saw ---- If she did not witness, is she accepting the word of another child. Since this has happened several times now i would be concerned that my child is being labelled and automatically blamed. A course of action needs to be planned out with your input and both of you have to work together to turn this around.

I hope you have some ideas now, OP

The OP never did tell us (even roughly) the age of the child, which does make a huge difference. If young punishing them at home is far too late, and my DC would often have no recollection of the incidents.
I don't think the bad behaviour can be that bad or surely the parents would be "called into school" for a formal meeting?
I would talk to my DC and re-enforce that such behaviour was unacceptable. I don't believe in double punishment, so usually what happens in school stays in school.
I might actually have responded with "what do you expect me to do about it?" Because if it really is minor misbehaviour I would wonder why they kept telling me, especially in the playground setting. If it is genuinely a problem then I would expect a formal meeting to be set up to discuss strategies.
My children have all shown huge differences in behaviour between home and school, so I'm not sure how much what I do at home would change their behaviour in school.