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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Friend pushing her DD for 11+

81 replies

Hoppinggreen · 28/03/2015 16:22

So my DD mght do the 11+ . She is working at a high level and her teachers say she should be able to do well.
However, DD has a friend called L. We are good friends with L's parents and socialise with them. L's mum is determined that her DD will also do the 11+ and asked if we couid share a tutor. I refused by saying that I had taken some advice a nd that the tutor we spoke to doesn't advise this ( this is technically true as the Tutor said that it probably wouldn't be in our DD's interest to share tuition unless the other child was at her level or above). We actually didn't use that Tutor as it turned out but decided to use a small group tutor instead. DD's mum has now enrolled her at the same place as DD.
All fine so far but I really dont think that L is going to get a a Grammar place.
Before everyone gets outraged this is the opinion of the Tutor, teachers and my DD who says L struggles and DD often helps her during the Tutoring.
In addition L is in the bottom group at school for both Maths and Literacy.
So why us this any of my business? Maybe it isn't but L is getting increasingly stressed about the exam and her mum is getting increasingly determined she is going to pass. She refuses to consider any other schools and tells L she will be going to the Grammar school with DD. To be honest WE don't even know that DD will go, she might not do well enough to get a place and we are also looking at other options.
So far I just smile and nod at my friend when she talks about how " our girls" will be going to The Grammar - should I just continue with that?
There is a mock exam coming up, I am considering suggesting she put L in for it ( with DD) so she can see for herself if L should continue to go for the 11+
For anyone who questions Tution in general we are doing it purely so DD is familiar with the exam but L's mum thinks it will somehow guarantee her a Grammar place.
I genuinely like both L and her Mum but can see them heading for a fall.

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theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 28/03/2015 16:27

I really wouldn't get involved. It can't possibly end well for you.

sneepy · 28/03/2015 16:40

God just stay out of it.

LIZS · 28/03/2015 16:46

Not your problem. If the tutor is reputable they will advise your friend appropriately. When she brings it up reiterate that you are keeping your options open by visiting alternatives.

crimsonh · 28/03/2015 16:50

Keep it cool.
Nod and smile.
This time next year you both will know.

areyoubeingserviced · 28/03/2015 16:54

Her dd may pass , yours may not.
Mind your own business.

BitterPhonics · 28/03/2015 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainSubtext · 28/03/2015 17:17

Yup smile and nod is the way to go I think.

Original poster

Hoppinggreen · 28/03/2015 17:22

Ahem, I believe I said my DD might not pass. I consider this to be a possibility but L's mum doesn't.
The Tutor has tried to gently suggest they look at other options I understand but this has been ignored.
Will continue with the smile and nod tactic then.

OP posts:

titchy · 28/03/2015 17:26

The tutor really shouldn't be telling you how L is doing or letting you know they've had a word....

chickydoo · 28/03/2015 17:37

Everyone deserves a chance.
FYI in London most children need to be a level 5a, or preferably 6 across the board to get a place in a selective GS

ZeroFunDame · 28/03/2015 17:42

Are you slightly worried that this child might slow down the tuition group and and thus adversely affect your DD? (Which would be perfectly reasonable - but the only solution is to move your DD.)

It's true the tutor shouldn't be talking to you about this child. I'm sure there are 11+ surprises every year but if she really doesn't have any realistic chance it must be pretty miserable for her. Otoh ...

Definitely stay out of it.

ChlorinePerfume · 28/03/2015 17:52

Both mine have passed the 11+. Oldest DD already at GS and our youngest will join her next September. In our experience a fair number of DC who are not expected to pass do and lot of those who are expected to pass don't! DD1 was always considered very average at primary school. We did not have a tutor only did 2 holiday courses of 4 half days each because I did not want her to go in to the test never having seen a VR or NVR paper whilst most private schools on our area have these subjects in the curriculum. When the 11 plus results came out some of the mummies who's little darlings had been in top set since reception could not believe that their very clever children had not passed and my average DD had. She is doing well by the way. Top set for maths & science so I think she is correctly placed. I would never recommend taking a mock test. The 11+ is big business. These tests are often a lot harder than the real thing... If DC score low, which most will the cente can than offer their services to fix the problem. Should the child pass then the centre did very well and if not then the child was already weak as shown in the test. So I would be careful suggesting someone should waste their money on a mock test... I think it is your friends job to work out what is best for her child and if she wants to give it a go good luck to her. Finally, I would not rate a teacher or tutor who "predicts" children. A good one will not do so.

LePetitMarseillais · 28/03/2015 18:47

Bottom groups at school,how do you know?

I haven't a clue where my DC's friends are,I barely know where my dc are.

Word of caution. My dc got in last year.My leftie with scruffy writing was always underestimated and pretty sure not level 5s for everything pre 11+ in year 5. He rocked the 11+ and is doing level 6s in Sats across the board.More likely to get a 6 in writing than his brother now as what he writes in some ways is superior,just doesn't look as pretty.

The 11+ is v different to school and they look for different things.Looking at those near us that get in it does seem to be the qwerky kids.

I have a child doing it this year who I'm sure you'd write off too.Bright but dyspraxic.Horrible to think there will be doubters out there writing her off too.It may not be the school for her( not sure if I want her there) but at this stage it's too early to decide.

Think you need to concentrate on your own dc.

tiggytape · 28/03/2015 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChlorinePerfume · 28/03/2015 19:19

LPM, Both my DDs have always know who the clever ones are since starting reception. It is amazing how at a very young age they work out who is on red/green/yellow table. Also it is not hard to work out who the pushy parents are at the school gate. I'm just grateful to be a working mum, I'm so not the school gate type. I was once told by another parent what score their DD achieved in a maths test and in the same breath what my DDs score was. I didn't even know there was a maths test!!!

tiggytape · 28/03/2015 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cantdecideondinner · 28/03/2015 19:30

I think you should mind your own business, it's not your problem. Maybe you're concerned that your own daughter is borderline and this child passing may have an impact on your own child getting a place?

LePetitMarseillais · 28/03/2015 19:33

But you don't know what they're on the red table for.

Your dc may be completely wrong.

They may be top but brushing up on their handwriting or tables.

And I wouldn't knock the pushy parents,nothing wrong with that.Kids need pushing,we don't do enough of it in this country as parents Imvho.

morethanpotatoprints · 28/03/2015 20:18

Aren't all children who take it pushed for the 11+ in some respects.
The children are in a culture where the schools prepare them or at least encourage them.
Most state primaries aren't allowed to do this, so those that do take it are doing so because their parents would like them to attend the grammar surely?

ChlorinePerfume · 28/03/2015 20:21

Actually I once asked at parents evening what the color of tables meant and was told red was top, yellow middle etc...

I could not care less if parents want to be pushy provided they don't look down on those who choose not to do so and openly express their surprise that my DD passed. My DD1 was one of those that should not have aimed for GS in those people's opinion. I encourage my children to do their best and ask for help if they feel they need it and this works for us.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/03/2015 20:25

I'm confused about the timing. Isn't the 11+ done and dusted for this year? Exams in January? Or are these girls in Year 5? In which case is it a bit early to be talking about tutors?

LePetitMarseillais · 28/03/2015 20:40

Exam is in Sep.Not all kids go to private preps that prepare for it or even cover the exam curriculum.

MmeMorrible · 28/03/2015 20:45

Having been through 11+ with DD last year, it will get increasingly competitive as you approach the exams and results day. Keep your own countenance and focus on your DD.

Floggingmolly · 28/03/2015 20:51

This is the opinion of the Tutor, teachers and my dd.
I can't believe the tutor or the child's teachers have discussed this with you, or that your dd is qualified to give an opinion.
Mind your own business.

ChlorinePerfume · 28/03/2015 21:05

Some of state primaries who changed to academy status in our area are now offering voluntary VR and NVR lessons before school. Hopefully this will level the playing field a bit.

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