Really don't know what to do... schools, money, distances, despair...

[PrettyBelle]

So, the DD didn't get in either of two private schools at 7+ - have no idea what went wrong, the poor thing has worked hard daily since September, her school report is glowing, but then both schools, which are nearest, also happen to be very competitive.

There are other good schools which are non-selective but all at some distance away. Yet, I also need to drop off DS to school and then commute to London for my full-time job (1 hr one way if I am lucky). So the difficulties are as follows:

1. Un-feasibility of doing two school runs and then get to work remotely on time. Same with pick-ups.
2. Two private schools will eat up my entire salary (but DH also has a job and I get some freelance income too).
3. Not entirely sure about paying £4000 per term for a non-selective school for DD.

On the other hand:

1. Disillusioned with DD's state school (DS went to it before and I see a massive difference not that he is in private).
2. We could manage financially even if my salary will be spent on school fees.
3. Main point: we are a bilingual family and both DC seem to be behind in English so I believe being in small classes would help them with that.

What the hell do I do???

Even though the infant school is outstanding ( I confused the two schools) it is not going to be preparing its pupils for the 7+. A pre-prep WILL be prepping girls for the 7+ and that's the competition she's up against. Some pre preps even sit their girls for speech and drama exams , so they will speak up, question and interview well. That's what your shy dd is up against. The competition is stiff and the school will look at the whole, not just the written results. (Eg your dd writes well but doesn't have the verbal vocabulary). I would still focus on the English more than anything before you try again. It's totally vital for a selective English education system. It's much easier for a child to catch up with maths but much harder to catch up with English, especially if she's not speaking English at home.

Ruprekt, I am pushy, that's right.

I am currently working 30 hours a week which enables me to go without hired help and get home by 5-6 pm for the school pick-up. I cannot cut the hours any more and i absolutely love my job.

Some days I come earlier and that's when DD does her dancing, etc. A lot of extracurricular is done on Saturdays and Sundays - but that's the norm among the families in our area.

I have tried 4 tutors but only one was willing to work on a weekend (understandable). The others could either offer early afternnon or I would have to drive to their place from 6.30 pm onwards which was very tiring for DS after a school day. Yet, that's the time when we are home after work.

So tutors haven't worked out so far but I can keep trying.

Jonnyappleseed, thanks for your comment. Well, I am feeling helpless. I don't trust the state to school to be of much help with her English if she is not considered behind (and according to her school report she is not). I am not sure how much help a once-a-week tutor would be. Hence I was under impression that a private school (even if it's not selective) is our only viable option - if I want her to be up for even tougher exams at 11+.

Why do need to push a 7 year old so hard? I'm no slacker, I like the DC to do well, encourage reading and ensure all homework is done but really don't understand how hours of extra school work is of benefit at this age. When do they have time to have fun, play games, laugh, talk with you and just enjoy being a child with no stress or worries?

Mme, from what I gather they are having plenty fun at school - I would of course prefer the school to do the educating job so that I don't to have to spend evenings on that.

If you want her to get in at 11+ and can't logistically work a tutor I don't think a ropey junior school is a good option.

You need a prep that finishes at 11 that will be focussed on (and experienced at) prepping kids for 11+ entry.

This leaves you with your school run problem. Could you negotiate starting work 30mins later? Could you find a CM in need of work who would do a longer school run? Or a CM close to DDs school so you could drop her first and then DS. Pain for DS to go out and back, but maybe worth it?

Or, could you move them both to a big co-ed place that you were happy with for both? What about Radnor House? It is supposed to be shaping up into something really good.

Fun at school is a good thing! Is this desire to see DD at the super selective school about what is best for her or about your need to have a high performing child?

Have you explained clearly to the schools that she is bilingual and doesn't speak English as a first language at home.You need to make sure they know all the circumstances , otherwise how can they assess her

I would call and speak to the admissions dept , what has changed between 6+ and 7+ explain in detail your concerns , if they don't know they can't help

CharlesRyder - one of the non-selectives I had in mind does just that: girls only, not too big, great pastoral care, most girls get into first-choice seniors. I loved it when I visited. I think I will go there again and have a look to make sure I still like it (have much to to compare it with now than when I saw it first).

DS is Year 6 so no point in moving him to a new school for just 2 years. Also he loves his school a lot, and I cannot fault it either.

The morning drop-offs are OKish, I can be late at work. The pick-ups are trickier as both schools finish at 5.30 so in case of an accident on the motorway on the way home I will be in trouble.

outtolunchagain - actually noone asked me. There was no provision for this information in the school application form. But then she has a non-English surname (and so do I and DH), we put our language as one spoken at home - so the school should have got the idea that English was not her only language. Besides, it should have been in her school report too?

But in any case, good advice. I will call the schools and ask, and also reiterate our interest.

I agree with the suggestions to have proper discussions with these schools.

Also, if your ds is at an all boys, whatever school dd goes to necessitates a different journey. What do you do at the moment?

Tbh, on a general level, the number of variables all add together to convey a sense of a very stressful, pressurised family life with very little time spent at home for any of you, lots of time commuting through busy areas on busy roads to home and school for long hours of intensive graft. None of this sounds like a desirable situation, for any of you. I would be prioritising quality family time, quality rest and relaxation of any of the things that you are worrying about.

I honestly appreciate the desire to assist your child to reach their potential. But for me, that's their potential in all senses - friendships, community, as a family member, hobbies, interests, reading, sport. Your current situation actually sounds limiting rather than improving.

She is 7, she's already doing very well, there's no rush.

DewClawDisaster, at the moment DD's infant is on the way to work (so would the junior and so would have been those selectives). So it is manageable. If I am stuck at traffic I could ask a couple of friends who live nearby. If DD were to go to that non-selective (or any other non-selective) they are much futher away so I wouldn't be able to rely on the friends' help, at least not as often.

It has been quite stressful so far as it is but manageable, really. I guess if DS were to take a bus to school then we would have to do just one school run for DD which would actually make things easier.

Both I and DH love our jobs. If I am honest, it is much more stressful trying to catch up on the children's learning in the evenings in an attempt to top up whatever the school missed. Hard for us, hard for the children because yes, in the evenings they want to play! We did it last year - when DS was in that junior school - and it was close to unbearable, he resented having to do the homework we gave him when his classmates didn't get any, he didn't see the point, and with all the extra work i didn't feel like we were achieving much.

Now he is in private and I cannot tell what a huge difference it is - he is doing all his homework himself, he has changed, and I finally have trust in the school.

I don't want to be a teacher to my kids, I want to be a mother. Maybe we were just unlucky with the state schools or I would be thinking differently and not feeling like private was the only option for our family.

Almost all Y7's around here travel to school independently, either walking/cycling, by bus or by train.
I think it would be perfectly sensible to start preparing your DS to travel to school independently from September.

The private non selective preps live and die on where their children go afterwards, so if you want her to succeed at the 11+ it is a no brainier that one of those will be better than a state primary, though you'll still have to tutor as everyone will be doing that too!

Your dd probably isn't behind in English, she just isn't far enough ahead to get into a selective school so her report is probably accurate. State schools (rightly in my opinion) do not see it as their jobs to prepare children for the private sector. Like others have said, I think you need to sort out your priorities, is it more important for your children to get a (supposedly) better education or for all your lives to be more balanced and relaxed?

As the mother of a 7 yo I can't imagine putting my dd through all the pressure, stress etc at such a young age (let alone at 6) and she is ahead of her year group at the moment.

I think your priority should be making an effort to speak English more at home if you wish to get her into an English selective school.

Sorry to sound unsympathetic but I do get a bit annoyed with people 'despairing' at how hard their lives are when they can afford private school, ballet/violin lessons when I know of some working parents at dd's school who are struggling to afford to send their dc on school trips or who don't let them go to other kids parties because they cannot afford a birthday present.

Thecatisatwat, thanks for your input.

I realise I am in a lucky situation although in my 'defence' we don't have any family money, bought our house at the top of the market, and whatever we have is what we earn by ourselves. I don't despair about the choice of schools as, again, I realise that DD will be happy in any school.

The only thing which truly makes me despair is the fact that, despite living in the UK for 12 years, having professional jobs here and raising the family, the children have not been able to develop their English as much as I would like them too - they always went to schools here (and until recently those schools were 'outstanding' so I thought DC were in good hands), all their friends are English. But it seems as though the bilingual thing will always be a problem - even though there are lots of families in a similar situation where the children grasp English effortlessly.

I only hope that it's something that can be sorted with money - although would obviously prefer not to spend such crazy amounts on something which should come naturally! Yet, English is the only thing which makes me consider DD for private at her age and in our situation

In your position (which I understand 'intellectually' but not 'emotionally', IYSWIM, because I make different choices for my own children) I would:

• Identify your preferred 11+ options for your DD
• Identify those non-selective prep / up to 11 private schools that have a good record of entry to those schools at 11+ (some preps don't enter children for 11+, preparing instead for 13+, so you do need to be specific about the move point)
• Move your DD to one of those schools
• Get your 11 year old to travel to school by bus.

If your DS is already 11, he is the same age as many children are when they travel to their secondary schools independently, even if - if I read it correctly - he is still in Y6. As a comparison, 11 year old DD in year 6 brings herself home independently to an empty house a couple of times a week, changes and walks herself to an extra-curricular activity 20 minutes' walk away. This is in preparation for September, when she and DS will be 'home alone' from 7.30 am until 8.15, she will walk the over a mile each way to school, and will then come home and walk herself to the same extra-curricular activity 4+ nights per week.

I do want more relaxed and balanced lives for the whole family. I just fear that if I don't act with DD now we will lose time and she will never catch up and will never be as far ahead as she needs to be for a good senior school, then for a good Uni. :(

Maybe I worry too much, I don't know.

You should also, btw, get feedback from the schools she has been rejected from, especially the ne she could have gone to at 6 but has not made it into at 7+. They may not tell you where her weaknesses lay, but knowing whether she was 5 or 500 places from the cut-off point weill help to guide you in your choice of 11+ school and give you knowledge of the 'gap to close' if she has to sit entry exams at 11+.

Private schools will prepare very specifically for entrance exams, which state schools will not. The difference in e.g. exam technique, familiarity wuith exam timings and conditions, having done lots of past papers etc WILL affect a child's results. So it is not a failing of the state system or her current school, or even her 'native intelligence', that she has failed at 7+ entry. It is simply that many of the children she was up against will have had 3 years of 'teaching to the test' that she has not had.

I suggested Radnor House because it is 7-18 so it would sort you out for both children right through.

I can understand that if you love your DS's school you wouldn't want to move him but with a long term view it would be so much easier for you all to have them in the same place. Don't know what the wrap- around is like though.

To me it would seem that the answer for you is a good, rounded co -ed 3-18 school that operates from 7.30 - 6 (or later) or has transport that works for you. Then you could just stop worrying about schools!

(I am expecting DS and DD to go to good universities, despite attending state comprehensive for secondary, and state primaries. Do not think for a moment that her academic career is 'blighted for life' at 7! As a personal aside, my elder brother is whooly state educated, including at a school that was a secondary modern up to the year above his. My younger brother is half and half - state secondary, private 6th form. I - 100% scholarship - was privately educated from 11. We have virtually identical Oxbridge degrees. Over-riding factor in this? Oxbridger educated parents who ccared about education. School sector is NOT the be-all and end-all.)

Why is it so important to for your dd to go to a good Uni?

Because speaking as an Oxbridge graduate (and don't get me wrong - I don't regret going) I can't say that the 3 years I spent there or the subsequent (pretty good) career I have as a result would have been worth the sacrifice of my childhood for.

Luckily my parents also thought that. At 7 I didn't "work hard daily" at anything (other than tormenting my brother). Even at 10 the most pressure I was under was a weekly spelling test. At 11 I was full of exciting plans and schemes that my (state) school was happy to let me get on with. Writing a pantomime for the whole class to put on comes to mind. Even at 17 and trying to get the grades for Cambridge I was still wearing ridiculously short shorts to school and spending most of my break times snogging.

Education is supposed to be enjoyable. It is important. Very important. But it is not everything.

I'm not sure that throwing money at your DD's English skills is the only answer.

Your own English seems to be of a very high standard, so I'm sure that you could help her by spending more time at home speaking English. Read books that have rich and exciting vocabulary, encourage her write stories using a similar style or reword them in her own style. Play the car number plate game when you are driving anywhere - spot a number plate and then come up with a phrase using the letters e.g. EK59 PJH could be Extremely Kind Pirates Jump Hurriedly (or Happily, Hopefully, Horribly, High, Horizontally), it's a great way of having to think of interesting adjectives and words quickly.

Tutoring isn't the only answer, nor is sitting her down and introducing more homework into her routine. Build on the things that are fun and she enjoys and do them together.

If you really want to use a tutor but are struggling to find one that works on weekends, my DD is thoroughly enjoying going to our local Kip Mcgrath centre - are there any near you?

Do you have a partner who could do one of the drop offs?

Are there no non selective co-ed private schools where you are? If I was in your position that is the school I would be looking for. One school run and a school that will help both your dd and ds achieve. Non selective doesn't mean rubbish results if your dd is able.