School friends from deprived families

[poppytin]

DS1 just started reception in September. We didn’t get our first choice of school which could be seen from our house due to oversubscription and sibling rule. DS1 now goes to second choice school which is in a more deprived area although the school has performed rather well and been improving. We’re 7th on the waiting list for first choice school which has very low turnover so chances of getting in are pretty slim. I have no issue with the school as given its circumstances ie high FSM and SEN its performance is very good. However I can’t seem to make myself like the families of the children there. At the school gate I’ve met people in their pyjamas, with cigarettes on their fingers, piercings on etc. I’ve seen people shouting/swearing at each other in the playground while waiting for their children. DS was invited to a birthday party of one of the boys in his class and it was the worst house I’ve ever set foot in. Mom was in nightie with a cig on when we arrived at mid day. DS1 appears to be academic, loves reading and writing, both DH and I have masters from redbrick units and are in professional jobs, our house is walled with books and CDs.

DS loves his school and teachers which is the main reason I’m using to calm me down. However I worry whether the environment where his friends grow in would have an impact on him and his education.

Any opinions?

But she's linking these bad manners and presentation to being "deprived" which is not a fair point.

Well, yes and no. She points out that the school itself is in a deprived area. And it's not unreasonable for her to assume that many of the families come from the area that the school is in. She even states that she has been into one of the local houses. I presume hers is also one of the local houses, though she hasn't explained how that fits into the picture.

To be fair to the OP, I had a similar dilemma. Close to our house a deprived housing estate has been built and it has a school in the middle of it. Most of the children at the school come from surrounding houses. But some come from further afield. Now, there is another school on the other side of the village which is heavily oversubscribed and has an incredibly tightly defined catchment (ridiculously so.) I spent a fair amount of time mixing with the families in and out of the ordinary school and decided that I didn't want my children to go there. It also didn't help that the staff wouldn't answer my questions about their poor results properly. The headmistress was extremely impressive and would have been the main reason (apart from catchment) as to why I might have sent my children there.

Several people on this thread have students who go to or went to schools with very deprived catchments. It's not hypocrisy to say that the OP is bring very judgemental and, in doing so, making sure she doesn't notice all the very lovely families at her school (who are probably not happy about the small number shouting in the playground).

No one is going to like all the other families at any school, however affluent (or not) the catchment is. As everywhere else in life, there are always a few arseholes.

Well good for you. I am a single parent with no cash and two children who will do ok academically if i push wateruphill. I would rather their friends had ambition. If my childrens friends dont have ambition it will be normal in their 'sphere'. They dont have a father around to encourage them. Just me. Everything, every single thing falls to me. I cant afford to sort things out later with repeat colleges and grinds. They'll get one chance. I would move heaven and earth to take my children out of the school the OP has described. Im a realist, not a snob. It all comes down to general mindsets, average expectations....
Amyway, good luck to you OP. HOpe u find a school u r happy with.

OMG OP, talk about stereotypical judgements.
I hope you are ashamed of yourself. This is no way to bring up your children, I hope your dc enjoys his time at school and will be able to see your attitude for what it is.
If you wish to continue being such a snob you would be better placing your child in a private school, but better make it exclusive as some dc from poorer backgrounds gain bursaries and you wouldn't like them.

I think people are being a little hard on the OP as its not an uncommon attitude. But it is borne from fear of the unknown

I agree it isn't an uncommon attitude, but I disagree it is borne of fear of the unknown.

IMO it is borne of assumption and judginess.

Actually I disagree with you both. I think it's more likely to be borne of a dislike of slovenliness, lack of standards, anti-social and aggressive behaviour in public, and setting a poor example to small children.

Parents smoking in the playground while wearing pyjamas and screaming/swearing at one another pretty much sums up all of the above I think.

I'm not sure where the fear of the unknown comes into it, and I see no issue at all with making assumptions, or judging people who behave as horribly as this.

Well said, yodiggity.

I must have missed something here. What is wrong with a track suit!

OK, nomorecrumbs, but did your mum and dad wear their PJs in the schoolyard and hurl foul abuse at other parents? (If they did, then good on you.)

One of my best friends is from a really (famously) deprived background and went to a very well respected college. But her parents are lovely people and we all get on very well. As many people have said deprived communities have fantastic people in them. It's not the fantastic ones that the OP (or anyone else) is complaining about. It's the nasty ones that are the problem. (Harry pointed out, privileged communities also have their fair share of disgusting members.)

No PJs, lol (love how this has become a measure of deprivation - some of the richest mums I know go out in their onesies because similarly they don't give a sod about appearances) but my parents are well-known in their area for picking fights when they feel slighted. I grew up fighting the local kids and my Mum sprinting down the street to bawl at the neighbourhood "roughs" and it did me no harm.

If anything, it taught me not to fear people in PJs

I think the main difference is that, just like the OP, my parents clearly were heavily emotionally and time-invested in my education, which transcended any lack of money, whereas there are unfortunate children who don't get that motivation from their parents - deprived or not.

I've known plenty of rich kids who fall by the wayside because their parents packed them off to private school and didn't give a damn about them doing drugs or whatnot. Much sadder IMO than a poor parent who is actually there to look after them.

Well, maybe we could expand the subject of picking (and getting into) fights because that would be high on my list of things to be worried about.

Has anybody else come out of a family who were good with their fists (or loud mouths) and is happy about things, all told?

Right, morecrumbs, I would say serious parental attention to the child/children's education and keeping body and soul together in spite of adversity are things to be grateful to parents for for life.

Well good for you. I am a single parent with no cash and two children who will do ok academically if i push wateruphill. I would rather their friends had ambition. If my childrens friends dont have ambition it will be normal in their 'sphere'. They dont have a father around to encourage them. Just me. Everything, every single thing falls to me. I cant afford to sort things out later with repeat colleges and grinds. They'll get one chance. I would move heaven and earth to take my children out of the school the OP has described. Im a realist, not a snob. It all comes down to general mindsets, average expectations

I'm a skint single parent too.

I'm also a realist and I know that being deprived doesn't preclude ambition.

nomorecrumbs same here - my family are rough as fuck - although i did go to the "naice" catholic school that my DD2 now attends and if academic is a measure of anything i did ok. I have a degree and PhD and talk posh, like.

I wonder if it's last night pyjamas that the parents are wearing to do the school run.

I'd say the only negative thing really about having a "rough" family is I've found it difficult to rub the chip off my shoulder when DH's family is so incredibly stereotypically upper middle-class. I do view them as a bit wet. I can't believe DH has never been in a fight. I do get irritated when MIL goes on and on like private education is the be-all and end-all and how she'd rather die than be seen shopping in Netto. But that's my problem, and just like the OP, I need to get over it.

DS just moved to a school in a 'deprived area' and to be honest I like the fact that he mixes with a wide range of kids. I think it will make him a more rounded human being if he has a mix of friends.
There are some 'characters' at the new school and there is some language I'd rather DS didn't use but I just emphasise that I don't want to hear him use it.

Some of the nastiest individuals I've ever come across were from privileged backgrounds. I met lots of people at university who believed that they were better than others purely because their parents had the funds to send them to elite schools. I would hate to have a child that was short sighted enough to see the world that way.

That said, when we first started DS had some issues with bullying due to him being 'posh' - mainly due to lack of accent and mummy & daddy's jobs but that's been sorted and he's made some good friends.
I'd be reluctant to move him even if a place came up in the local school.
The only reason I'd ever move him would be for academic reasons but he's doing excellently.

I hope the OP's child ends up being a well rounded individual who can see the world as a rich tapestry of characters that make life interesting rather than an us and them scenario.

'with cigarettes on their fingers'

Just think of the manual dexterity your DS could pick up.

Yes, the nightie, and with fag in hand was a step too far for me, even if the 'red brick uni' wasn't ;)

Op?

"with a cig on", brilliant.