School friends from deprived families

[poppytin]

DS1 just started reception in September. We didn’t get our first choice of school which could be seen from our house due to oversubscription and sibling rule. DS1 now goes to second choice school which is in a more deprived area although the school has performed rather well and been improving. We’re 7th on the waiting list for first choice school which has very low turnover so chances of getting in are pretty slim. I have no issue with the school as given its circumstances ie high FSM and SEN its performance is very good. However I can’t seem to make myself like the families of the children there. At the school gate I’ve met people in their pyjamas, with cigarettes on their fingers, piercings on etc. I’ve seen people shouting/swearing at each other in the playground while waiting for their children. DS was invited to a birthday party of one of the boys in his class and it was the worst house I’ve ever set foot in. Mom was in nightie with a cig on when we arrived at mid day. DS1 appears to be academic, loves reading and writing, both DH and I have masters from redbrick units and are in professional jobs, our house is walled with books and CDs.

DS loves his school and teachers which is the main reason I’m using to calm me down. However I worry whether the environment where his friends grow in would have an impact on him and his education.

Any opinions?

Mine was the only deletion

I kind of feel like I've passed some bizarre initiation by being deleted.

There are other deletions now.

My neice goes to such a primary school. I pick her up from time to time and I sometimes find it a depressing experience. It is the school I and my siblings went to (2 of us went to oxbridge the other to other russell group) so I am not stupid enough to write off the children or think my (bright) neice could not get a good education there. It is just different from my DC's nice middle class school which I suspect some would find depressing in different ways.

That makes me feel a bit better

Its unfashionable to say it but I would feel the same as you op.

Don't think I've ever seen so many "message deleted by mumsnet" messages on one thread before

I am - the OP asked for opinions and I gave mine. It was the wrong one.

I sense OP just wants whats best for DS and think some of the comments are unfair. I come from a deprived background but would ensure I got up in plenty of time to throw a pair of jean &t-shirt on to do the school run. I have 3 kids under 7 and yes you dont always have much time to spend on your own appearance but putting on clothing takes seconds. No matter how any of you dress it up, Its just lazy to go in pjs. As for the swearing/smoking in the playground ask the head to send a polite letter explaining the school grounds are non-smoking and also could people refrain from swearing. It IS unacceptable around children? How can anyone think otherwise???

OP asks if she thinks the children he mixes with will have an impact as he grows? I think they will but it will only be a problem if this enviroment is the norm rather than the exception. I think in ANY school you will have problems with distruptive children etc and hopefully at your school it is just a few that stand out rather than all the families. If that is the case uour DS is likely to make friends with like-minded children and you are worrying about nothing. If it is a high percentage though it may be a different story.

When I was at high school most (not all) of my friends saw school as a social gathering rather than an education. Talk was NEVER about what we learned but about boys and TV etc... My cousin and her friends (from a different/higher acheiving school) did speak about these topics too but also talked about the book they studied in English... I envied that and tried to get my friends to engage in our education, i just got the mick taken out of me. At my school if you merely handed in your homework on time then you were classed as a "kiss arse boffin". I, like many other kids just wanted to fit in and as a result bunked off a lot to be with my friends. I take full responsibility but if course the kids I hung out with had an effect.

A good indicator is pupils attainment. Ours was really low. GCSE grades awful. If your school is getting good results then chances are the teaching is good and the kids want to learn, so will be good influences on your son. Dont write off the child because of the actions of his parents.

I think the OP has a good point. Although what's to be done about it, apart from home education or private schooling is harder to determine.

Hmm. My dcs' school has a pretty mixed intake I would say - some of their their friends' parents are unemployed and others include a uni professor, GP, headteacher, postman, shop assistant, sales director, hairdresser, farmer - I could go on but you get the idea.

We've obviously had various problems with other children over the years (the normal stuff) and I'm trying to remember who's been responsible. One child is from a fairly difficult family background, but I have to say most of the others are probably from the "naicer" homes.

I'm sure if you look more closely (past the cliches) you will find there are some lovely families at your school OP. Try being a little more open-minded, you might surprise yourself.

Look, I'll hold my hands up and say I was guilty of feeling the same as the OP when my pfb started school.

Dc's went to a 'good' school in a deprived area. I've seen parents calling their kids 'little arseholes' to their faces. Plenty have tattoos, croyden facelifts and are far far too orange. In the first year of reception I was pretty alarmed. It didn't help that lots of my friends were in a couple of very naice MC schools in the next catchment. Also, 6 months after we started the school was downgraded by Ofsted to 'satisfactory'.

Roll on a few years. My dc is now 9. Doing amazingly well academically. She has a huge amount of friends both boys and girls, plenty of whom are lovely lovely children from nice families - equally bright too. The school has been given it's 'Good' Ofsted back, and basically I couldn't be happier.

My friends in the naice MC schools however have been unfortunate to encounter bullying (of both children and between parents) excessive whisper campaigns to oust mums who don't 'fit' (you know the type of mn thread), awful teaching, alcoholism, cocaine abuse and gbh.

So, not all MC schools will be like this, but likewise not all schools in more deprived areas will be awful either.

I'm ashamed of my initial thoughts about my Dcs school. They couldn't be happier, some of the parents there would do anything for you and go out of their way. I feel a little blessed to be honest.

It is really easy to make assumptions about people by the way that they dress/speak or that they smoke - but then, as happened to me, you discover that 2 of the women I put into that grouping actually help out in the school loads and have been incredibly supportive to my child! It was, and almost always is, my judgement that is wrong. We all have different ideas about what makes a home deprived - we can't afford the internet at home and all our clothes have to come from charity shops; but loving your child and supporting their education doesn't come with money or your own educational attainment. Look at the wider picture - is your child happy? Do they have friends? Are they doing reasonably well at school? If yes, then leave well alone. Maybe also try and get to know some of the mums/dads/carers a bit better? Wearing pyjamas during the day? Perhaps they work nights? Who knows?

I think what the OP is saying is that she's frightened. She gives examples of book-lined shelves and CDs which are a bit of a red herring. What she's saying is that she's appalled by the manners (and some of the presentation) of some of the families her child is at school with. That's a fair point.

Harry actually made an interesting observation, (although he's had longer to make it in) that maybe there are like-minded families to be found within the school. If so, the OP might end up frightened but happy and even, like Harry, a little ashamed of her earlier fears.

But, if Harry turns out to be lucky (which I suspect he is) then the OP might very well find herself alone with her fears and having no solution, (except perhaps to move house.)

My daughters at a private school, there are still Mum's there who turn up in PJs, a few with piercings and tattoos and some who smoke, although we do all put our cigarettes out before walking up the school drive. That's not a sign of being a deprived family.

apologies to harryh for assuming gender based on username!

I think people are being a little hard on the OP as its not an uncommon attitude. But it is borne from fear of the unknown.
OP. open your mind a little. Give them a chance, chances are you will be surprised. It will help your child settle in and teach them not to be judgemental, which imo is one of the greatest things you can teach. It will stand them in good stead.

For me a deprived family is one with no affection, fun etc. not one that doesn't have range rovers and masters degrees.

What she's saying is that she's appalled by the manners (and some of the presentation) of some of the families her child is at school with. That's a fair point.

But she's linking these bad manners and presentation to being "deprived" which is not a fair point.

DS goes to a school on an estate (34% FSM). It has a bad reputation, especially among the naice middle class mummies. But, he's thriving there. The teachers are extraordinarily dedicated and most the parents and children that we've met have been lovely. You do get lots of smoking at the gates, tons of tatoos and I am frequently the only parent doing drop off not wearing a tracksuit. But you also get a real community spirit, kids sharing, parents helping each other out.

It's not perfect, by any means but I have absolutely no concerns about the influence of "deprived" children on DS.

I dont see her as a snob. We hadnt a pot to piss in after i left my x but we wouldnt have fit in at that school either.
Nobody , not even the posters who've torn a strip off tbe op want their children at a school where the majority are deprived.
People are such hypocrites giving the op a hard time.

I think people are being a little hard on the OP as its not an uncommon attitude. But it is borne from fear of the unknown

I agree it isn't an uncommon attitude, but I disagree it is borne of fear of the unknown.

IMO it is borne of assumption and judginess.

MumpiresRedCard My children went to/go to a school in a deprived area with a high SEN and FSM quota.

I am very happy with the school and wouldn't want them to go anywhere else.

I am not a hypocrite.