School telling mom off for smacking her kid

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A parent I know has 3 kids under 5 and lives in a two bedroom small flat, she's a single mum and is going back to work from maternity leave in a few weeks - basically she's got a lot on her plate but does an amazing job under these circumstances.

To discipline the eldest (age 6) she occasionally smacks with her hand and always explains what she's done it for and hugs him after. Now I don't agree with this discipline method but that's how she was brought up.

The teachers are on her back at the school telling her that this smacking is "on her child's record" and she has been brought in for a 'meeting' with the welfare teacher about it and had 'child protection' and 'social services' words said to her in what sounds like thinly veiled blackmail.

It has made her angry and will lead to another smack for the kid when he gets home tonight for saying stuff about her at school - basically leading to a worsening of their relationship.

I just think the school are handling it wrongly, rather than supporting her and trying to change her behaviour they seem to make matters worse.

What do you guys think? How should schools handle this sort of thing? Should they be threatening with child protection or ignoring it or what? I know they're in a difficult position but surely they can do better than this? It's not against the law for smacking your child after all whether you agree with it or not....

having a lot on your plate is no reason to hit your child. Not his fault.
Poor child

School shouldnt even be trying to deal with it, it should have gone straight to SS.

Well said, Gobblers.

It has made her angry and will lead to another smack for the kid when he gets home tonight for saying stuff about her at school

This is abuse OP. Sorry it's not what you want to think, but the school's concerns are valid. This parent doesn't need a gentle chat, she needs a big enough shock that she'll have to take her problem seriously.

The school are protecting the boy, they are looking after him, well done them, unlike your so called friend

That's what I was thinking Mrs DeVere

I think this situation is going to come to a head. It sounds a bit like a slow-motion car wreck.

I don't think it's about a "friend" either. How can you be so close to someone that they would tell you the details of how they abuse their children yet not feel you were in a position to tell them not to do it?

And yes, I said abuse, because that is what she is doing if she is hitting her child for telling people she has hit him.

Let's keep talking in terms of the friend, whether we believe the friend is fictional or not. Doing that helps us to make explanations rather than accusations.

the mother is responsible for her actions and she has to accept that, whether or not she likes it. In this case, if she goes home and hits her ds because the school now know that she smacks her dc at home and she did not like the tenor of the talk she had with the school welfare officer about this, it is not the school lifting her hand and driving it down to strike her child, she makes the decision herself to do that. If she worsens the relationship she has to her dc by doing this, it was her decision to make that step. She needs to know what she is doing. She is hitting her ds for telling the truth. Is that a sensible parenting method? What is she expecting to achieve by it?

As her friend, I would advise her not to do it. She would be best to sleep on her anger and give some thought to her disciplinary methods. If she decides to continue as she has done, having reached the conclusion that her methods are appropriate and she feels the school has misunderstood the situation and gone too far with this, she might consider writing a firm but reasoned letter calmly outlining her point of view and requesting that this is not on record.

If she feels slapped by the school and decides to slap her son to take it out on him, it is not reasonable adult behaviour. Sometimes you have to cope with a bit of anger without letting it out on someone else. There is enough in life to get everyone angry at times and sometimes we just have to deal with it ourselves.

in any case I doubt that SS and Child Protection have been called in at this point unless the mother's behaviour at the meeting gave more cause for concern or the child was physically marked

It has made her angry and will lead to another smack for the kid when he gets home tonight

And ^ is where it crosses the line from discipline to smacking and exactly why the school are involved.

I do not agree with smacking as a form of discipline anyway as usually it is due to the parent losing their temper.

Hitting your child because you are angry is unacceptable. I would imagine their is more to this than meets the eye for SS and CP to be involved.

OP i do not think you are hearing the full story behind this.

i'm afraid i feel the school is more responsible for the child getting hit tonight than the mom

OP if this is how you feel and this isn't really about you and your child then you need to distance yourself from your "friend" and possibly look into that attitude as it's appalling. You will do her no favours by leading her to believe that hitting her child is the schools fault and not hers.

Mum feels school have handled this badly so instead of dealing with school in a grown up way she is going to wallop a 6 year old instead? And this is some how the school's fault?

Op either you are on a wind up or you are scarily ignorant.

Young children should be taught that all hitting is unacceptable, because it is. The school will no doubt be against hitting and therefore any behaviour that is considered unacceptable on school grounds should be dealt with accordingly. If a child hits another child in the playground do the teachers allow this to go on? no! if an adult hits smacks a child in the playground should the school turn a blind eye? no!

You can't use "it's the way she was brought up" as an excuse.

Excellent post Gobblers.

Your 'friend' (with the three children under 5, one of whom is 6 ) needs to stop blaming other people, including her children, and start looking at her own behaviour. The thought of 'her' hitting her little boy again for telling the truth, when he has been brave enough to tell someone, is sickening.

Actually I am appalled at both op and this woman's attitude and think the school were totally right to intervene and I am not in favour of nannying adults but clearly neither of you know any better.

It has made her angry and will lead to another smack for the kid when he gets home tonight

This comment is the reason why the school should be involved. A child should not get smacked for something that is the parents responsibility. She chooses to get angry and smack him, it is not the school's responsibility, they are not holding her hand and making her do it!

I think there is more to this than meets the eye and she is not telling you the whole story.

I'm not entirely anti smacking. The first couple of paragraphs didn't sound too bad, but this....

It has made her angry and will lead to another smack for the kid when he gets home tonight for saying stuff about her at school - basically leading to a worsening of their relationship

Is where it is no longer acceptable and has turned into abuse that the school should be concerned about.

However, since you seem to think the school are more responsible for this than the mother, I doubt you are the person to help things here that's if any of this is true and you aren't doing research which I suspect is the case

Very well put Gobblers. It is so sad that children aren't afforded the same legal rights as adults. OP it is so sad that your friend will punish her child for the consequences of her own actions. Smacking him again for "saying stuff about her at school" / telling the truth about how she disciplines him is essentially physically threatening the child to keep her behaviour a secret. A bit sinister, even if she is only smacking him occasionally. Also, the fact that this could lead to "a worsening of their relationship" is another worrying sign.

The poor child obviously feels the need to seek the support of a trusted adult to confide in. As such, the "occasional" smacking must be having an emotional impact if not a physical one. How on earth could the school encourage the mother to stop hitting her child without letting her know that he has talked about it? I think the school are acting appropriately as advocates for the well-being of a six year old. Luckily it seems that the school have prioritised protecting the child over not alienating the mother.

OP I think every adult has a responsibility for child protection. Perhaps you should also be asking how you can help your friend to stop hitting her son in a friendly, supportive way without alienating her. After all, you are an adult who is aware of a child who has asked for help. What have you done so far?

I don't smack my dc, but I don't generally condemn people that use it in some circumstances. However:

"It has made her angry and will lead to another smack for the kid when he gets home tonight for saying stuff about her at school - basically leading to a worsening of their relationship"

makes me think actually they do need SS in. That statement would make me very worried for the child. If I knew she did that, then I would be contacting SS myself.

'Should they be threatening with child protection'

Interesting POV, that saying you will seek to protect a child from violence is seen as a threat by a bystander and not just the aggressor.
So she hits, he tells as he is taught to do by the school, then she hits him again for telling what should be kept a secret?
School should be looking out for the interests of the child.

Exactly Gobblers. hitting your partner didn't used to be illegal either, but women started to object and the law slowly changed. Sadly, in almost every situation, a child is completely powerless and virtually voiceless as well.
It is taking longer to make hitting your children illegal, but it was banned in schools two years after I started teaching.
So I could hit your children when they were rude or misbehaved, and the law would have allowed it.