How do you reply to this? Private school hatred.

[Elec]

Ds goes to swimming, in the class is another boy who he likes. I was chatting to this boy's mum, who I have not spoken to before. She asks me what school ds is at so I tell her. It's a private school and she replied - I don't agree with private schools.

What should I have said? I cannot believe how socially acceptable this sort of prejudice is, she just said it in earshot of plenty of other people so clearly she didn't mind who heard.

I imagine if this had been the other way round and I asked her what school her ds went to and then said, well I don't agree with state schools (not my view obv!) that she would have had a go at me and probably so would people overhearing!

Sorry - I did miss the last line.

No problem Exotic
'It suits us' works for me

agree with exotic fruits. absolutely no need to justify your decision to send your kid to a particular school to anyone apart from yourself. I envy people who don't tie themselves in knots about the ethics of paying for education. I could never send my children to a private school without feeling utterly awful because of my sometimes quite garbled but strongly held beliefs about state education, the utterly profound unfairness of getting a good education only if you can pay and a sense that opting out of state provision has some sort of ill defined but important effect on the system as a whole. but blu is so right that we don't live in an ideal world. I am very dissatisfied with my sons' state academy, which is having real problems at present. and there is little I can do about it. none of which I would say to you should I meet you at swimming, op!

amillion years

I think you'll see that lots of private school parents have given an answer why they've chosen that route for their children on this thread, actually.

(Until some of the snottier defensive comments started which - I assume - were from private school using parents but who knows?) ALL of those who commented were parents of children with SEN, specifically AS, including the OP.

I agree with those including the OP that whilst we are lucky to (just) be able to afford private schooling we are certainly not lucky to have children with very different needs and life chances from NT children.

(And I fully appreciate that there are thousands of SEN children who would also benefit from the alternative school choices our dc have and who can't afford to do so so they are doubly unlucky. FWIW, it's the SEN children for whom I thought the Free Schools programme might be beneficial but unfortunately, a Free School for HFA has already been turned down in our county which is when we started looking at independent...)

You really do need a thick skin when you have an autistic child so I guess most of us are used to dealing with unasked for opinions from complete strangers, like swimming pool lady; and comments like 'private schools are for thick rich kids' - er, no they're not; and 'private school parents routinely call all state school children feral' - er, no we don't.

FWIW, I wish I were lucky enough to be able to send my son to the lovely grammar school where I work or the lovely comprehensive school where DH works.

I also fully acknowledge what seeker and others have said about your choice to use private school being an implicit criticism of the schools that your friends and acquaintances' children use. It is a fair point. I still don't think that justifies a stranger being explicitly rude, but there you go.

In that regard, I believe that we parents of non-NT children have it 'lucky' in that we genuinely do have a get out clause from being assumed to be taking the position of 'It's good enough for your children, but not mine'.

I know there are lots of parents who can afford private education and choose not to; for reasons of principle; or of having perfectly good or better state options; or of preferring to spend their extra money on other things or many other reasons which are non of my business.

I do genuinely wonder how many parents of SEN children who could afford independent AND have an independent choice which is better/more suitable for THEIR child and on principle choose not to?

What does NT mean?

ooh,it is on acronyms
neurologically typical
then I googled that,and it means not on the autistic spectrum

OP - the right answer "I don't agree with rudeness".

Nothing useful beyond

'Do fuck off, or Ill get my butler to give you a thrashing'. I must remember that one - although I haven't had that response. Around here most people say 'god you're lucky' or 'wish we'd done that' - states here are either not very good at all (and state school teachers have told me this - and advised private) or you need to be related to God to get into the decent ones (or a high-fallutin' politician, not to name names - Mr Cameron).

Yes,there is no service around here nowadays,Toughasoldboots, I have to answer my own questions !

Excellent, Bonsoir!

Keep that one tucked up your sleeve for next time, op.

"I was assuming at the time that those people on here who have children at private school,would post their answers as to how they would have answered the lady about why they send their children to private schools"

I would never do that unless someone specifically asked - the reason being that the private school by kids attend is better than the local state school, in my opinion and also the opinion of a fair number of the parents I know at said state school who can't afford to go private. 90-odd percent of local kids go to that state school. So, if I started to explain why I send my kids private, I'd basically be saying, "My kids' school is better than your kids' school." I wouldn't be so rude.

Meant my kids, not by kids.

There are many things that it is socially acceptable to criticise. I am part American and catholic. People quite openly respond with just how awful all Americans and Catholics are quite frequently.

These people are entitled to their opinion and may have a point in some regards. Doesn't stop their behaviour being rude.

I dont like not to answer people. If I dont answer them,I feel rude.
So I personally would have to have an answer ready,like I posted at 7.05am.
Up to others whether they say anything or not.

"Jesus. Is that how you usually 'invite' people to do something? I'm guessing your dinner parties are interesting affairs. Do you find your guests are more enthusiastic about the main course than the starter? Only maybe they've got over being bludgeoned around the head for no reason by then."
It's not my practice to invite the thoroughly unpleasant to my home; as a result, bludgeoning is rarely required.

I have never had intentionally rude remarks. I have had "why are you bothering to send him private" - the implication being that of course the education of a child with ASD is not worth spending money on. I generally find this comes from fully paid-up members of the Guardian-reading classes. The more right-wing are inclined to assume private education is a good in itself, whatever the ability of the child receiving it.

"I have never had intentionally rude remarks. I have had "why are you bothering to send him private" - the implication being that of course the education of a child with ASD is not worth spending money on. I generally find this comes from fully paid-up members of the Guardian-reading classes."

If I, as a fully paid up etc etc were to say something like that (i wouldn't, byt the way, unless it was part of a broader conversation with somebody i knew well) it would be because in my experience ordinary private schools (as opposed to the specialist ones) are much worse at dealing with AEN than state schools. I think the implication you are reading into such remarks might be wrong.

Chandon- thank you for that- depressing isn't it! I do hope you found a school you like!

Seeker - everything you say is always so intelligent.

You are correct in that there is constant belittling of state schools by many people.

When I was 3 the state schools did not take children til 5. Many of my parents' friends therefore decided to send their children to pre-prep at 3. This decision would always be accompanied by the statement 'but my dd is so bright and needs to be stimulated', the implication being that I was a thick and didn't need to be stimulated. This used to upset my mother who wasn't very confident in motherhood at that time.

Anyway, we moved away from this area, to an area where private schools were few and far between. My siblings and I did brilliantly in our state comps. and state sixth form colleges and then all went on to Oxbridge. Then the comments changed to 'well, your three are just so bright'. Well, we are, but the implication there was that only bright children do well in state schools.

I now experience the same problem. I choose to send my dds to the nearest primary school and not the more popular, more middleclass one a few miles away. The amount of comments I get is tremendous. And now that it's obvious that my children are staying there, and doing well - the comments have changed again to '...well your children would do well anywhere, they're so bright'. Again, the implication is that it's a rubbish school but they're surviving because of their genetics. They're actually incredibly happy and doing brilliantly (level 4s all round in year 4, free readers before the end of year 1) and there are some incredibly bright children also doing well and children with serious special needs who are brilliantly supported.

my DS is at a mainstream prep, not a specialist school, which has been vastly more accommodating to him than the state alternative on offer. the urban academic hothouse schools (which might have a different approach) are not necessarily typical of the whole of the private sector in this regard.
I understand perfectly the meaning of the remarks I referred to, because i explored it with the people who made them. the view is that unless a child is academically able (which my ds is, as it happens, though of course they assume that as he has ASD he won;t be) private education is not worthwhile.