How do you argue with a Head?

[RationalBrain]

No, its not a riddle, its a genuine question! In fact the question should be can you even argue with a Head?

In a nutshell, our DD has food allergies, started school lunches under the assurance procedures were robust, they take allergies seriously etc etc. First day, she was given something with her allergen in (thankfully didn't react). Since then we have been seeking more information to confirm it did have the allergen in, which we now have.

So emailed the Head very politely to ask about procedures, not robust enough (not identifying DD as a child who needs a special diet) etc. Head point blank refuses to acknowledge that DD ate the offending item, or that the procedures are in any way deficient. ("there is no way the staff would have served her that" - well, they did!)

So what do I do now? Can I argue with a Head? I'm assuming her word is law, and the reason this school doesn't have any problems with breaches of procedures is that she refuses to accept they have happened. Next time, a child could be hospitalised or worse. Apart from DD's word (which is 100% reliable in this case), I have no proof though.

I am at a loss. And also a bit concerned for DD's future at the school if we get earmarked as 'troublemakers'. (heaven forbid we are concerned that they could have killed her ).

What exactly is in chocolate crispie cakes that is possibly life threatening to her?

I'm guessing dairy allergy. I would have thought that if that were the case and it was serious enough for this reaction, then packed lunches would be an altogether more sensible option tbh. V easy to make a mistake, I'm sure the op has done it herself, which is presumably why the dd has an epipen.

It just seems a bit odd to be fretting over the lying/ not lying thing when the most important issue is not exposing to allergens. All of the kids I know with dairy allergies have packed lunches, and take packed teas to birthday parties etc. if the dd needs a dairy free lunch, it would almost certainly be non-standard and prepared specially every day.

Hadn't realized that a kid with a severe allergy might not react at all to an allergen though... That makes me feel slightly better about toting around epipens for kids various, and trying desperately to fumigate rooms if there any possible chance of airborne stuff etc. (once had a nasty bird feed incident from a previous youth group...)

Whilst the school might not have the most robust procedures, and I'm not sure any school could guarantee a fooproof system for food allergies, I think you have to shoulder the responsibility yourself.

If it was my child I wouldn't even consider school lunches, your child won't be the only one taking a packed lunch (you haven't said that they are banned) so why would she feel excluded?

Ds who had severe dairy allergy (completely outgrown now) had packed lunch every day. I'm more relaxed with dd because fish isn't generally hidden in other foods. Dd's ASD is very handy because the rule is "no fish" and she would never break a rule

I made dairy free gluten free crispie cakes today... Very nice they were too.

I'm guessing dairy allergy that's what I thought which is why I asked. The chocolate crispie cake our cook produces contains no dairy ... it's made with cocoa, margarine and golden syrup [yuk]

Yes it is dairy, and egg, she is allergic to. The food is prepared by an external company, the 4 week menu is clearly marked up with each component part for allergens, so there is very little risk so long as they realise she is a child who requires a restricted diet. It is this bit that the school are not helping with, leaving the canteen staff open to forgetting to check each child.

Thank you to the suggestions of focusing on the outcome we want to achieve. That is very helpful. Also interesting to hear that other schools have the photos of alllergic children on the doors, and someone sits with the child at lunch. Ideas we can suggest, thanks.

Dh spent 30 mins on the phone to the head earlier explaining our position and refusing to accept her sweeping this under the carpet or calling dd a liar. The result is that we have a meeting with her and the canteen staff to discuss how procedures should be changed. We are undecided whether to continue with the school lunches, but that's a separate issue really, we feel it is important that the procedures are robust for other children as well as for our own.

Madwoman, marquesa et al - there is no problem with packed lunches (although again, the school don't monitor allergic children to ensure they aren't swapping food etc). The problem is that she isn't choosing packed lunches, she is potentially being told she can't have school lunches because the school don't take steps to minimise the risk, and in addition are refusing to engage with the problem by telling me dd is lying. That is what makes her feel excluded. Yes she's used to taking her own food with her to parties, never going to restaurants, never sharing any food. This is one area where she was excited about being included, and I don't see why she should have to give that up just because the school don't take it seriously. The closest (and bad) analogy i can think of (and of course dd's restrictions on her life are not nearly as severe) is telling a wheelchair bound child she can't do PE as no one will help her up the steps to the gym, or with the right equipment. (see, I said it was bad)

And no, we have never had to use the epipen, as I effectively control her diet, up until now at least. Believe me, if it were your child, you wouldn't 'make a mistake' that might kill her either .

Sounds like the menu is done the same way as my DD's school. Fingers x you can resolve this.

There are 2 days in the 4 week plan that there is nothing DD can eat ( dairy, soya, oats & barley intolerant - although I appreciate it's not life threatening like your DD) and they cook a special meal for her. The first time this is happening is tomorrow so fingers x there is a meal for her!!!

Rational the photos are there in case of there being new or relief staff the regulars know "insanity's dd" fish allergy, joe bloggs class 2 nut allergy etc. In the kitchen there is a notice board with all the children's special requirements as well. The school were happy to show me what they could do to keep dd safe and I do feel reassured that dd is safe eating in school.

Are you sure it wasn't dairy free - our cook tries to make every meal the same for my coeliac son, so there is no difference where she can.

I do have a wheelchair bound child.

Frequently the pe question is raised. (In fact, twice last year we were told dd2 could only participate in particular sports if we paid for an instructor to provide 1-1. Field trips are the same.)

As dd2 has a disability, sometimes her life just is going to be different. It isn't always practical for her to be treated identically, however much we wish it were so. Especially where her safety is concerned. She currently wants to learn to rock climb.

It was a remark about how easy it is to miss dairy in stuff that you would assume was completely safe. Not a comment on your parenting skills.

Hope the school puts a sensible procedure in place. It doesn't sound particularly geared up at the mo. This sort of thing is usually fairly easy to sort, though.

Actually, that's not true. She isn't wc bound. She is a wc user. She can manage independently. But not in the same way as her peers.

Forgot to say that kids with dietary restrictions get a special wrist band to wear too....

can you even argue with a Head?

it's quite hard I think because they immediately get protective towards the member of staff in question.

The impression I get is the teachers/TAs are quite vulnerable to many complaints and so closing ranks is seen as a bit of a survival strategy.

Madwoman - ok, yes, I agree it is very easy to miss dairy. Sorry, getting a bit touchy with everyone in RL and here asking if I'm really sure she is allergic, or this food had dairy in etc.... Guess I picked the right analogy then . Yes, I agree it isn't practical to treat all the children with their varying needs the same, and indeed in this case I actually want her treated differently so she gets identified. I think the difference is where the line is drawn on what is practical and possible, and here it is both, it is just the attitude from the head that is unhelpful. Btw I used to help disabled kids in the states do rock climbing, it was fab!

Thank you for all the further suggestions insanity and simpson, am going to write them all down.

And thank you lingle for answering my op! That's the impression we get as well, even though we have repeatedly said we are not interested in finding out who was on duty, or my kind of witch hunt. We are just concerned about the weaknesses in procedure it exposes, which he maintains are completely adequate.

Anyway, and so to bed after a particularly bad day on all fronts (work, school and builders). Thank you and good night

We do actually have a line on the rock climbing... I'm just making her wait another year or so.

I think you are asking too much of the school, the catering staff and the head. They are there to teach children, hundreds of them and have a huge amount on their plate. How can they cope with such detailed allergy related food instructions, they are not a restaurant. I think you are expecting too much of them and the head is probably sick of you to be honest and doesnt want to waste valuable time on this. I have a child with alergies and i have had them too but I think the onus is on you to organise a packed lunch for your child to take your stress out of the situation when they are trying to feed hundreds of kids. You can manage it much better.
I remember at my sons state nursery a huge long list of kids names and their different allergies/intolerences and quite frankly a list of what the parents didnt want the kids to eat ie no cake just non dairy yoghurt, no meat but can eat fish, no wheat and no diary and the list went on and how the poor cook coped was beyond me and it irritated the hell out of me as I knew some of these parents let their kids eat cake etc or have a sausage!
Ok Im not saying you are doing this but you are one of hundreds of parents and not the only one forcing restrictions on their cooking and quite frankly giving them a headache. Think about the staff and what you are expecting and then look at making packed lunches.

RationaBrain is there actually any dairy in your daughter's school's chocolate crispie cake? There certainly isn't any in the version served in our school.

Yes mrz there is. It would be clearly ridiculous to make this much fuss if not.

Couchend have my first . Non dairy of course.

They do cater for allergies. It is an outside agency who specifically are set up to cater for all children. The only thing the school have to do is make sure dd is identified as a child who needs that diet. Nothing else. They have a duty of care and they are failing in that.

I don't see why they cannot cater for a child with allergies....

My DD's school has bent over backwards to cater for her. They also give me as much notice as possible if they are cooking/baking in the classroom.

Last week they made gingerbread men and I was given enough time to bring in her special butter....

At DD's old school they always seemed pretty good at dealing with allergies. They also ran a "Grub Club" where the kids used to do some basic cooking. Non dairy marg was always used and even gluten free flour when it was called for - just for 1 little boy! There was a list up of every child in school that had allergies, what they were, if they had epipens etc.

If the Head is being uncooperative I'd go straight to the catering company and if you have the menu in advance that shows any allergens present then chat through it every day with your DD as to what she can have.

IME you can't argue with a head, even if they are blatantly lying (and you have evidence from other parents and TA that make you absolutely certain that this is the case).

What you can do, as others have suggested, is try to let go of the fact that the head is lying, and focus 100% on the outcomes that you want to achieve. I'd also recommend putting everything in writing (so for example following up a meeting with a summary email laying down everything agreed).

I guess the thing to be really clear on is your objectives - in this case perhaps (a) for your dd to be able to eat a school meal safely and probably also given that she is right at the start of her career in this school (b) without falling out with staff / HT unduly.

Takver - I totally agree with you. My DH is on the case with the head now, as he is much better at dealing with these things unemotionally. He is documenting it all in emails, and whilst she still won't admit that their processes could leave room for error (let alone admit the error actually occured), she has opened the door a little way to changing the processes.

We are currently undecided in what our objectives actually are. Definitely b)! But not sure that we are confident that we can get to a) without the head's total support. So maybe packed lunches... we shall see.

dizzyday - unfortunately the school don't seem to follow the menu, they cherry pick and mix up the days, so its difficult!

Good luck!