What to do if local "mafia mummies" start 'helping out' at primary school

[aambrose100]

I'm sure most of us are aware that some Mums can be a little prone to nasty gossiping and bullying behaviour towards other Mums....most of the time we can just ignore it, but does anyone have any advice as to what to do if these Mums then start getting positions in the local school 'helping out'. I've had a meeting with one of the teachers this afternoon and although I didn't go into detail, made it clear that I didn't want a helper to have any access to either of my children, either reading to them, helping out or especially having any access to their records. If necessary, I'll put my concerns in writing to the school. Obviously they can CRB check helpers but this doesn't police against women who just get together and spread nasty rumours. Anyone had any experience of this? How did you handle it? Any schools out there that have policies where they don't offer positions to local Mums to help out? If someone is that passionate about helping out at schools there are plenty in other villages to chose from, particularly ones from more deprived areas.

Well we don't all live in La La land where all Mummies are just lovely fluffy caring people who all sacrifice their free time to help others. And would never even on pain of torture gossip about anybody.

I don't live in La La Land. I live in SE London, ffs . But I still don't recognise this den of ravening hyenas in WAG outfits. Perhaps it's because I'm a journalist and therefore clearly sub-human myself?

i think it would be highly unlikely the mum would have access to confidential info tbh. usually it would be helping out with reading or maths.

i think you have to be careful when you are put in a position of trust (i.e. helping at school) not to divulge things which were about friends children. i had to be careful when i worked at my DC's primary and is a volunteer any different.

I have a 'friend' who I would not trust as a 'helper' at school. She takes great pleasure
in putting down my child or pointing out or laughing if she is wrong. She is only 5. Her ds is older but not so chatty and confident so she loves to bring other children
Down. But you would not know this if you met her. I don't think the OP is wrong. We've all been here. Come on !!

My DSs go to a school in quite a deprived area and the mummy mafia is at large there too, two mummies even had a full on fisty cuff fight outside the school gates because of something one of them had put on facebook. A particular sect of this mummy mafia were on the PTA and it resulted in a bit of a mass exodus of other 'non-mafia' members. I didn't get involved, no time or inclination to be honest. They don't drive 4x4s, but the behaviour is the same as that which is described on here. It does exist, not everyone is nice, I wish they were. I'm nice!

agree with Pag. there are unpleasant people in all walks of life, but you will get taken more seriously if you have a basis other than "I don't like the cut of her jib" to accuse someone of breaching confidentiality!

The op has only posted once on this thread and her initial post isn't even remotely clear. What does she have to fear from "mafia mummies" helping out in her dc school? Reading between the lines (because that is all I can do) she seems to be anticipating that her children - and hers alone? - will be at some sort of risk from "nasty rumours". It all sounds a bit odd to me and very unlikely. And insulting to the vast majority of parent volunteers.

Unfortunately, assuming its a small school in a tight community these sort of mothers gossip full stop.

They don't need access to a child in school to jump to conclusions and spread rumours. Indeed they are capable of speaking ill of other children simple by sight or from what their own DCs tell them.

You never know if they help in school they might even realise that a lot of what they hear is rubbish.

I heard readers for the class teacher DD1 had endless grief with. I saw that she was a very good teacher who planned really good lessons. That she and DD1 were never going to understand each other was also clear.

Had I not gone into school I'd have likely gossiped and moaned about her. Having seen her at work I had to accept that next year DD would have someone else and that something's are just too complicated to be worth sorting.

From my experience aambrose you will have more trouble with indiscreet teachers than the parent helpers.

OP- you seem to have been chewed up and spat out by MN .

Come back. Some just have strong feelings about this.

Personally,I do see where you are coming from but think perhaps you are over analysing. I have heard parents who are not volunteers gossiping about kids. I have also heard volunteers 'let slip'details. In neither case has it been earth shattering news, either comments about behaviour or what reading level someone is on. Any time it's happened I have just felt the person is a bit of a twonk for slagging off a 5 year old and most people will feel the same.

I suspect some of the volunteers are busy bodies, but not all.

My own personal objection is not what they may talk about as I have always assumed they are only privy to what reading level someone is on, which to be fair can be found out by not being a volunteer. What gets my goat is when they are used to replace qualified staff. My DD is a good reader. According to her reading record she only read to her teacher twice last term. All other weekly reading sessions was with the class volunteer who started adding tit bits like " might be an idea to g through this book again as E struggled with X word"to her reading record book. That annoyed me. It is not their place to advise on any level. I also don't see the point of another unqualified person reading to E given I read with her every night anyway. Interestingly E failed her phonics test despite being one of the top readers (as the volunteer informed me). Had the teacher or teaching assistant been more involved I doubt this would have happened.

Just honestly seriously and genuinely curious, Megan:

why do you think op has been chewed up and spat out by mumsnet?

Minty Uummmm....Because some posters refuse to believe that their experiences are not universal? Not a hard question, really.

It was a tough in cheek comment Mintyy as OP had disappeared and perhaps been scared off by people disagreeing with her/him.

If that's a dig at me, mignonette, I'm the one refusing to believe that the experience of Savage School Gates is universal. It comes up time and time again on MN. And it isn't always the case.

No it isn't universal, of course not.

But I remember as a child, the powerlessness I felt, when it was an adult being the bully.

It does happen. It depends on the type of place you live as well. I grew up in a small village where people would refuse to see the Asian doctor, so you can imagine what some of the mums were like.

I don't understand what is to be 'lost' about OP claim that some mums gossip and can be bullies.

She wasn't claiming it was universal, was she? It is fact that some adults are bullies, therefore some mothers will be.

What right do we have to invalidate her experience. You can disagree without implying she is a lunatic.

No doubt she has been scared off by the vitriol.

Well said, Rubberglove!

The simplest way to prevent this is to have the rule that parents do not help in their child's own class

Branchingout I'm not clear as to how that would help? Why would the 'problem' of poor parent helpers (i.e. those discussed on this thread- gossipy or bullying parents or those who don't respect confidentiality), be mitigated by only allowing parents to help in a different class to that in which their own child is in?

I should say at this point that I have no problem with parent helpers in my DC class. I have volunteered a few hours a week on my day off in my DC class, I never saw it as a potential problem until reading this thread.

I am still confused as to why a parent helping in a class which is different to the one that their child is in will help this issue??

It is up to the school to ensure that confidential issues are not disclosed.

Schools cannot monitor what goes on outside the school gates. All they can do is educate, adhere to legislation and sanction via dismissal should breaches occur. But people do gossip - no, not most, but enough for it to be a problem for some parents, in some schools.

I would credit the HT with a bit more nous if I were you op. He/she would weed out inappropriate volunteers at the off. And yes HT get to hear the gossip too. Volunteers don't get access to sensitive/personal info, the only place they would find out that stuff would be hearing tittle tattle from friends via general gossip and how do you propose to deal with that?

If its about you not wanting other people to know what reading level little johnny is/isn't on, don't worry, the other parents already know because kids talk and seem to be very aware of who is where in the ability stakes.

Volunteering in a different class prevents you knowing where your child is relatively in reading levels etc, although the children talk about this pretty freely anyway. It wouldn't prevent you gossiping about whichever class you are helping with, the only thing might be that you are less likely to know / socialise with parents from other classes or years.

We are allowed to volunteer in our own child's class, in fact that is the default in our school. However parents are not allowed in the staff room at all. I have never heard of any problems caused by parent volunteers breaching confidentiality there. Ours is a small town and several of the staff are also parents at the school, they also turn up as fellow parents, volunteer leaders, coaches etc at extra curricular activities and everyone seems to cope perfectly well with compartmentalising their knowledge appropriately.

Several schools I have taught in have had this policy - mostly for in-class help rather than trips etc.

It tends to weed out those parents who just want to keep a closer eye on what their own child is doing, comment on the teaching, 'help' their own child rather than others or cast a baleful eye on children with whom they have 'issues'. (Yes, all those situations have cropped up!) It also reduces the risk of confidentiality breaches because parents are less likely to be tempted to chat about children they don't know well or whose parents they don't know well.

However, it means that those who want to support the work of the school for its own sake or gain experience working with children still have the opportunitiy to do so. So a Y4 parent might help out by hearing readers in Year 1, for example.