What to do if local "mafia mummies" start 'helping out' at primary school

[aambrose100]

I'm sure most of us are aware that some Mums can be a little prone to nasty gossiping and bullying behaviour towards other Mums....most of the time we can just ignore it, but does anyone have any advice as to what to do if these Mums then start getting positions in the local school 'helping out'. I've had a meeting with one of the teachers this afternoon and although I didn't go into detail, made it clear that I didn't want a helper to have any access to either of my children, either reading to them, helping out or especially having any access to their records. If necessary, I'll put my concerns in writing to the school. Obviously they can CRB check helpers but this doesn't police against women who just get together and spread nasty rumours. Anyone had any experience of this? How did you handle it? Any schools out there that have policies where they don't offer positions to local Mums to help out? If someone is that passionate about helping out at schools there are plenty in other villages to chose from, particularly ones from more deprived areas.

the wags and school gate gossip perfectly clear
what's not to get

Well I don't think our school has parent volunteers

DD1 is going into y1 so I'm still new to all this school stuff.
Regardless, I don't see any need whatsoever for her to read / play / do activities in school with anyone else except her teacher and TA.
E
Vitriol on MN? It's becoming a nasty habit ladies.

Frankly, even without 'mafia mummies' at our school ( I work so have no idea if they exist) I don't see any need for DD to work alongside a parent volunteer and would also put that in writing to the head.

mignonette in the hospital I worked in the staff files had to be locked in a filing cabinet to stop other people meddling.

Anyone could walk into med recs and take out files. It was as easy as that. If you didn't want to take them you could spend hours browsing without being challenged. I was a med sec so I was there legitimately but who knew?

I have access to notes in my present job and I work locally. Many of the children I know well or in passing use my service. But now there is a record of every search I do and it can be audited at anytime. I am glad. It protects me from accusations.

I wouldn't put it past certain people to make malicious claims to try and stir things up. This system is miles better

Actually, when I stop to think of the people who volunteer to help with reading at my dc perfectly average primary school, your op makes me really fucking angry tbh! Completely sane, nice, ordinary women who just want to give up a couple of hours of their time each week to help out in their own children's school. And to think there are people out there who dismiss them as purely meddlesome and gossipy. That makes me really cross!

But surely parent helpers who are there to listen to reading and do class displays wouldn't gave access to confidential records? I mean they might disclose that little clemency is on red book band but really, who cares?

been reading too much 'chick lit' op?

id wait and see what happens. do you know that this lady gossips about children in her class?

btw I'm not on any PTA etc. as I'm too lazy

You didn't get many wags at my school gates,but I do live in a deprived area ,so OP don't send your mafia mummies my way, thanks.

It's your dc it's up to you. If you don't want someone around your child you have the right to say so.

We don't have parent helpers and I am not on the PTA. I am not a wag for that matter. But I am not sure why anyone would give up there private time just so they can gossip about the fact that little Jimmy can't spell 'paranoid'. It all seems a bit convoluted. Why not just gossip about who you are shagging or how bad your haircut is, assuming they are that way inclined?

Perhaps I just lack the commitment.

As a parent volunteer I can can firm that I have never had access to any confidential information about any children.

The example given above, of a parent sharing details of their "rocky marriage", would not be something that I would be told about.

I make a point of not standing near to the classroom door during drop-off, as this is when parents tend to take the opportunity to talk to the teacher about any concerns. I'm certain though, that if I was within earshot, the teacher would ask me to move away- I am not a member of staff and am not party to any information about the children.

I simply want to help out in the classroom in any way that the teacher finds useful- I do this for the kids, and I do really enjoy it (providing it is in short doses).

What could a properly supervised parent volunteer realistically find out about your child OP?

I have never heard anyone gossiping in a nasty way about other peoples' children at school. Nor have I ever heard anyone being nasty about other parents. I have begun to suspect that people who don't ever gossip don't ever get to hear gossip, either... and they are then left totally out of the loop when it comes to which mums are the really nasty ones who spread all the nasty gossip that nobody else likes... So much better to be blissfully ignorant of all the nasty stares and comments that are apparently flying around the place...

I volunteered a bit at ds's reception class when we lived in the UK.

I used to listen to the kids read at a little table just outside the classroom. I also accompanied the kids to a farm trip with the teacher and TA and a few other mums.

I had no access to any private information.

Of course there were probably plenty of opportunities to hoike up one's judgey pants, as other ops have said - I knew who was great at reading, and who was not so great, who had a packed lunch box full of panda pops and chocolate biscuits, who was sat on the naughty carpet etc

However my DS isn't perfect, and I'm certainly not, so it wasn't my place to judge others.

And if people are going to gossip about the acts and behaviour of small children then it just makes them look ridiculously pathetic doesn't it?

wantto I was party to information on someone's marriage actually.

We took the kids on a field trip to a supermarket. One little child had parents who had recently separated. There was a fear that the dad could turn up and snatch the child, as he had threatened to do so at any time. So we were instructed to hold their hand at all times and be wary of anyone approaching etc.

But the mum in question was comfortable with the other mums knowing the situation when she allowed her dc to attend.

be careful about going in and shouting the odds about this and that, they will refer you to SS in no time.
there are vile mafia mummies having a good old gossip about your kid, you have to live with it.

but no way would they have access to confidential info.

no. social work referral won't necessarily follow
thats too alarmist,and unfounded
which they will refer?

not necessarily of course, but still, be careful with shouting/complaining about everything.

binful I can see how in that situation you were aware of sensitive information. I guess it is up to the relevant teacher only to share such things if they know the parent(s) are ok with it.

I absolutely agree with your sentiment that anyone gossiping about a child's abilities or behaviours is really rather pathetic. I'm pretty sure anyone like this at our school gates would find no one would be interested in this type of discussion.

well yes remain calm,is good advice
nothing said suggests requires sw referral
and she can decline volunteer contact

I think OP has been given a really hard time.

Some of the parent helpers in my school have made comments about kids reading ability and while I'm sure many parent helpers do it for the right reasons I've also had several tell me they like to know how their kid is doing vs the rest of the class. Not everyone who helps out is going to be a wonderful, perfect person.

reading it again it doesnt sound like normal op speak.

if it is, op, you have added stresses to the teachers and staff with your wishes.

I have had a little bad experince of parent helpers so know what poster means.

Not all just a couple.

1 lady lives near me, we walk to school together , my dd says hello to hers I find her most rude and found out recently she did collection of parenst money at end of term then at mums night out which she also organised slagged people off who gave low amounts-thankfully wasent in her class last year and she helped reception year but they same year again next year so who knows.

2nd lady is trouble she loves to gossip and be negative.
Always monopolising teachers time in mornings , complaining to head, openly in public slating the school.Most parents avoid and cant stand her competative nature.Wanted to oust the head after ofsted moaning about faith its an rc school for gods sake what she expect.!

But in her case its made things worse as her dd behind lowest in class so guess she can see whos above her and shes brought the entire oxford learning tree and pushed her for hous every day over summer poor kid.Shes convinced her dd genuius and not stretched enough.

shes deluded, bitchy, gossipy and judgental.

I hate the way she parents the pressure, shouting , making her dd call by 1st name and put her hand up when shes speaks, the fact shes always done one better- hardly influential active role i want in my dds life but never been sure how to address it?:( shes never disclosed what reading levels others were on so apart from my dislike shes not broken confidentaility but her happyness depends on knowing about others.

Since shes taken over toddler group numbers have dropped significantly.

The other 2ladies lovley have no issues.

Im on pta and usually pta rarly help out as they busy enough already so parents on pta not usually helpers. parent helpers only do reading and trips.

What is unbelievable about this thread is the assumption that all adults volunteering must be lovely.

Some of the worst bullies I encountered as a kid were adults. Teachers, parents, any walk of life.

Yes most were lovely but it only takes one. I am not advocating paranoia but it angers me that there is still taboo and denial about bullying.

No wonder children are so open to abuse

Mintty, why were you lost at the suggestion that some mums are prone to gossiping and bullying?

Does motherhood exclude this notion?

Rubber glove

Was there an assumption that they are all lovely?
I didn't read that. I just don't understand why you would assume that they are all foul and refuse to deal with any.
Why not take action if one behaves badly?

I have seen many reports of abuse by those caring for people with SN. I don't therefore assume all my sons carers will be vile and refuse to allow him to be in their care