Cop-out or Sensible decision to send a 7+ DC to board at RAAS this September?

[notavoicelikeShirleyBasseys]

Apologies if you have come across this in another section, I thought it out afterwards that his section might suit this topic best.
Just to add that after visiting the school, DC loved it and looking forward to it. Have days left to make up my mind and take the plunge. Alternative is struggle through and leave DC in day school with always-changing childcare arrangements(-;

The school is state-boarding Royal Alexandra and Albert in Gatton Park, Reigate.

OP, my DCs are at a mixed day/boarding school. There are usually a couple of children in yr3 and a few more in yr4 who switch to boarding, usually on a flexi basis initially, then one or two take the plunge and the rest stay on flexi. Yr5 is when it starts to pick up. The girls tend to be ready for it before the boys (from what I can tell).

One of the teachers at this school happens to be a close friend who has known my DCs for 4 years now, She also happens to be a housemistress. Her view is that if the child is keen then the only suffering is on the part of the parent, but that if the child is not keen it can be very sad, because the child always blames himself for doing something wrong in some way. She also gets desperately sad for parents who have sent their children away to avoid big marital issues and 'life event' problems, because the children always pick up on the vibes but are too remote to get enough of the picture to enable them to process and understand things in real time - everything gets warped and misinterpreted.

My DS (similar stage to your DD) asked if he could try it a while back and when I sought the advice of my friend (who is currently his form teacher) her face lit up and she said "Oh God, Squiffy, let him go for it, he will have such a fab time", then a while later she said "But you do realise that he'll have so much fun that you might start to lose him, don't you?". I guess I am trying to say that it's horses for courses, and so long as your DD knows she can change her mind and switch to day or flexi then I don't think you have anything to lose, surely?

BTW, having done the career thing myself, I do agree with those posters who are suggesting you look at changing your own life. Sometimes we think that our career is our means of holding on to some semblance of 'ourselves' when the world conspires against us, but you really should think about your own options. No job is worth getting so ill over, and I think the stresses you currently have will be replaced with other stresses in an instant unless you get your work-life balance sorted (and believe me, I do not say that lightly, I'm forever banging on about keeping your career going).

having had no experience of boarding as it is not very common here in NI this is only my opinion. if i had the money, the option of a good boarding school and a child who was keen to go, i would send her. my child spends from 7.30 am to 6pm at school and wrap-round afterschool care, bedtime is 8pm - would anyone like to tell me i'm not rearing my child?

for those who say you should cut your career, i think this is suicidal advice to a single parent. firstly it is entirely your prerogative to want to keep your career and send your child to boarding school - advice to the contrary is not relevant, nor should you have to justify remaining in employment. it is imperative that you maintain financial independence via your job and set an example to your child.

hope all works out op

Having been struck by the number of people who are suggesting other childcare, I looked at the fees at this school, to see how costs stack up.

It's £1,185 per term. I'm far from certain that being able to cover this would put OP into nanny-employing territory.

That seems very cheap - can't include boarding fees, surely?

Oh the joy of state boarding and believe it a real option for working parents as it's cheaper than any boarding schools around, A child with working parent(s) can sometimes only see a parent for minutes a day. Grab the opportunity with both hands, give her a huge kiss and cuddle and let her go, particularly if she is keen. then make sure every weekend is free of work to I've her 100% of your time. Really good luck with this

Those are the fees for extended days (described by that school as flexi boarding). The fees for full or weekly boarding are £4,340 per term. Still cheaper than most. The extended day option almost certainly won't be an option for the OP due to distance from school (flexi places are oversubscribed by local parents)

Sorry, I thought flexi-boarding meant weekday boarding.

Still £14k isn't going to pay for a nanny is it?

It might be an option to look at a nanny contract for September - June though. We always did 6 month contracts because of my work, and it was obviously cheaper than employing a nanny year round.

Sorry, posted too soon. I didn't ever have a problem finding someone who wanted a shorter term not a ft permanent position. We had a lot of applicants. Op could offer either live in or live out but 11-12 hour days.

I like the nanny option as it still centres the child at home, I think. But as I said, I think the main issue here is not the boarding - the child isn't the problem. The stress and potential health issues are. It's an entire lifestyle choice, and I can't help but feel the boarding solution will just enable to op to not make the lifestyle changes that are necessary.

In fact, that would allow the nanny to pick up a lucrative summer contract going o'seas with a family. I would see a sept - June contract being quite popular.

FleetofHope I'm puzzled by your utterly inconsiderate comments. I rather expected that as a single parent you might empathise, although I do not expect it. Your constant banging on your self-righteous cymbals is bringing me face to face with my last vestiges of patience...grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. There are many reasons that could lead to the choice to board a DC; and I am not resistant to alternatives - I have already considered many if not all of those suggested, and they are less likely to work well in MY OWN situation (not yours). Oh, and I don't JUST like my DD, I absolutely LOVE her.

I assume that you've decided now? Good luck with everything.

You say that your dd is keen to go, but I wonder how much of that is novelty?

My dd (8) has been badgering me to arrange a sleep over at her best friend's house, recently. Once arranged she will pretty keen to go, asking every few minutes what time drop off is etc. Packing her bag, getting excited. By the time the next day dawns, she is the same at the other end. Wanting to be home, with mum etc. We could perhaps stretch it to 2 nights, but by that time she is well & truly happy to be home. That is with a friend she adores & she also adores her mum too.

What I am trying to say is that your daughter may be viewing this as a sleepover situation, but in reality, when it hits that this is for a week at a time, she may not actually be that enthusiastic to be there. It is something that you can't predict until she is in the thick of it & living it. By which time, it may be too late.

I do get that you are obviously stressed & have a full life, but in these cases, most people would be looking to cut down on work hours & spend more time with family, whereas OP, you are cutting down on family, to spend the same amount of time at work. And for me, that wouldn't sit well.

nothing wrong with a mum who chooses to work

Absolutely right op. Unless that job came close to almost killing you. Or means that you cannot see/care for your child for much longer than a weekend.

Sorry, but you are prioritising your career. You say you & your dd are close, though I would be worried at how much of that closeness you will lose when she realises that you aren't there at 3am to comfort her from her nightmare. Ok, so one incident won't batter that, but repeated ones might.

And your statement The more I think about it and hear well-balanced views on here, the surer I become is flawed because you are only looking at what you want to read & not seeing the rest. I really hope your dd is ready for this, as it doesn't seem you are looking too closely at the alternatives.

What happens during half term?

It's £1,185 per term

Not for full time boarding it isn't! Full Boarding (Year 3-11) £4,340 PER TERM

Here

Selective reading.

I really hope this works out for you op, you have steadfastly ignored any question about what you are doing to alter your lifestyle and reduce your own health risks from work related stress.

I hope you do make some changes. It would be beyond horrible for your dd if your next episode did not have a such a lucky outcome, and I still suspect that what you are doing is getting her out of the way so that you feel less guilt about working more.

Complete recipe for disaster for both of you. If you were completely healthy and were not suffering from work related health difficulties, I would fully support your rational decision to send dd to board. 100%.

But I think you are doing it for the wrong reasons, and reasons which are likely to cause more problems with your health than they are likely to solve with convoluted child are arrangements.

Yes, differentname is right about the fees, it is £4,300+ (there are always extras such as the different insurances and things like riding lessons which seem to go down rather well with the girls)
When DD started the 'day pupil' fee was only about £325 per term but then from last september they increased it significantly. Only fair really when you think that the 'flexi boarders' as they are now called can arrive as early as 7am, have breakfast, lunch and tea and stay until as late as 9pm. The catchment area for day pupils used to be very small but I do wonder if less local children are going now that the day/flexi boarder fees have increase.

OP, hope you have come to the right decision for you and DD x

differentnameforthis At half-term she will come home! I will take time off work and be with her as I do now. bisjo not firmly decided yet but that may be the option I go for - she has a taster day coming up, we will both just have to wait and see.........

And if it doesn't work out, it's not a life sentence, is it? She can be withdrawn from the school. And a child can come home anytime. For the parents of the 7 year old boy who cried "nightly for a term" - was there any reason why they did not just get him out of there?

notavoice from my experience, a lot of the kids don't want to go home at weekends as there is so much on. Plus, you are near enough to go and see her mid-week after work if needs be. Housemistress in Lizzie house is really nice