Cop-out or Sensible decision to send a 7+ DC to board at RAAS this September?

[notavoicelikeShirleyBasseys]

Apologies if you have come across this in another section, I thought it out afterwards that his section might suit this topic best.
Just to add that after visiting the school, DC loved it and looking forward to it. Have days left to make up my mind and take the plunge. Alternative is struggle through and leave DC in day school with always-changing childcare arrangements(-;

The school is state-boarding Royal Alexandra and Albert in Gatton Park, Reigate.

Personally I wouldn't commit until she has had a boarding trial. Ds was very very keen to go and didn't want to bother with doing a boarding trial. I insisted and it generated a lot of questions. It meant that whatever the thoughts were in ds's head about boarding he got to have a flavour of the reality. The school were also very keen for him to try so they could assess whether he was cut out for boarding (I assume because at some stage he won't have a choice about doing it).

Has she done lots of sleepovers and is generally independent? If so you may be fine. If not, then I would worry. Ds is fiercely independent and adaptable and very sociable. All good points, I'm told, for boarding success. If you are choosing it because it is something your dd wants to do then go for it. If you are doing it to help yourself primarily re childcare then I would have a long hard look.

Is there an option to be a day pupil with occasional boarding? Being a single parent just means you have to be utterly organised in your childcare, and if you travel for work then even more so. Ds is used to a mix of childcare and me being away on business as and when because he has known no different since he was born. 7.30am to 6.30pm is shorter than ds's day but however fun boarding is it is no substitute to a mummy cuddle in the middle of the night when he's had a bad dream.

Whilst on reading your original post I was thinking no way on having read the 2nd I would say do it.

We used to live in Epsom so I have a very good idea of the distance and if your dd is up for it and you can afford it I would do it.

Honestly?

If your job made you so ill it took paramedics three hours to stabilise you overnight, and you have not made changing your work or your work habits / lifestyle a priority, for both you and your daughter, then you are looking to change the wrong area of your life.

Having your daughter out of the way and boarding, will mean you have no reason to lighten up the workload, and you will work harder, longer, put more stress on yourself, and will probably not be so lucky next time you have a crisis.

Apols for being so blunt, but sending your dd to boarding school, thus giving you more time to work yourself to death, has got to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

You need to be considering your career and lifestyle, not where your child is educated. That will have no effect on your health.

There is more to life than maintaining your current lifestyle.

Fwiw, I'm pro boarding. But not in your case. You are doing it for the wrong reasons.

It'll be like a child in a split family going for contact with the non-resident parent at weekends only in this case the school is in the role of the resident parent! I mean why have a child at all?!

I mean why have a child at all?! - that is such a horrible thing to say!

It's absolutely none of your business why she had a child - or indeed even if there was any choice in the matter.

Life doesn't turn out how any of us planned. Nobody plans to have a heart attack at 3am. Almost nobody plans to be a single parent.

Parents do split up and only see their child at the weekends, and it works.

Have you considered/got space for an au-pair? It seems to work well for a friend of mine who is also a very hard-working single mum.

Personally I would not do it. My closest friend went to boarding school at 7 she wanted to go and loved it but inevitably she grew away from her family. In her words the weekends became 'Disney days' with everyone trying too hard, home wasn't home for her iyswim. Her parents are lively but as a adult they have little real relationship nothing bad happened between them it was just heh product of her not being here day in day out and over time her parents just became people to visit.

Yes Indigo children from split families only see their non-resident parents at weekends - but they see their resident parent every day! And it doesn't really work - my DCs miss their dad every day they're
Not with him - it's like a constant ache. But at least they're with me. The OP's DD wouldn't have any parent for the greater part of her life.

The OP asked whether it was "sensible or a cop out" I'm saying from my perspective it's a cop out. I spent several years as a single mum and did every odd job going to maintain hours where I could actually bring my kids up and pay the bills. I think her priority is wrong - something has to give buy it should be the work, not the child

Be led by your DD. This isn't about your emotional needs ("I couldn't bear to be away from them") but her best interests and you ability to provide for your family (I'm taking it as read that you do this job because there isn't a better alternative that would still provide enough).

Her well-being is important.

Is she happy with boarding? When can she have taster days? Could your existing childcare cover this school too (giving you more flexibility about number of nights or even if she has to board in the first year at all) or can you only secure a boarding place?

What is the boarding community like? There are only about 300 7 year olds in the whole country who board (rising to about 800 8 year olds). Obviously she'll have a daytime peer group, but what will it be like in the evening? If the bigger ones are occupied with prep, what will she be doing? Who will play with her?

Oh! And just a reminder that it's not a life sentence: if it doesn't work out, or if you don't do it now and the home-based arrangements cannot be made to work well enough - then you make a new plan.

I'm sorry op you sound very stressed and worried. I agree with madwoman that I think you need to give up the job that is making you ill and keep your young DD at home. I realise jobs are hard to come by at the moment but one which is so bad for you health and family life isn't worth. Could you send DD to state school instead so you don't need to pay school fees out of your salary so you can afford to significantly reduce your hours or take a lower paid job at least for the time being?

I would have looked at a Nanny or Au Pair before considering boarding personally. I also think you need sometime to re-evaluate your whole work life balance.
She is not going to get to 18 and say I wish I had seen less of you and you had concentrated more on work.
Or as one old lady said to me last year don't put off things for later, like after you retire, you don't know what will happen (her husband had a stroke very shortly after he retired).

I boarded at 8. I'm fine, and my relationship with my parents is fine. I couldn't imagine sending mine to board this young, but then my circumstances are different and in the OP's case I wouldn't hesitate. There are other young boarders, and plenty from forces families who need to board. Weekly boarding sounds like a great approach here, and stops your DD being shuffled through before and after school care and reduces your stress levels during the week.

I've had an au-pair - and it really didn't work out very well.

It can - but equally it can be a disaster.

My dm worked for a time as assistant matron in a boarding school. She said she loved working there as there was such a caring attitude, the older ones looking out for the younger ones. But...

She said that she felt that very few of the youngest ones (year 3-4) coped well at all. She said it was nights that were the hardest on them, she'd often spend nights sitting cuddling one who was crying as they went off to sleep.

They often arrived back at school, looking all excited and the parents would say fondly to dm "they just love it, don't they?" and dm would wonder what to say, knowing that she was going to be comforting them a fair number of nights that term.

Year 5s were better, although a few still needed a lot of support. Year 6 and upwards were on the whole fine, although you did get one or two that struggled throughout, but that was rare.

My dd1 has always fancied going to boarding school, since she read Harry Potter in year 1. However when I came to consider whether to look at it for her to go into year 7, I concluded that actually it wouldn't be helpful for her at all and she would find the reality very hard.

Dont do it, DH went at 9.,, and although he did like it after a while, he has practically no relationship with his parents, he more or less stopped going home when he was 14.

He is very insular, and stuggles to display his feelings (which he does have) and the counsellor feels he learned this from being sent away so young.

I really feel for you OP. Consider an au pair or nanny. Even if you and dd share a room to make space. It sounds a sif you're very aware of the magnitude of this situation, which is good, of you do go for it, have an escape plan. If she's unhappy once she's there, taking her out and reducing your work hours, even if it means downsizing dramatically.
Good luck.

It sounds as if you are in a very difficult position, OP.
However, I thiink in your position, given the immense stress you are under, i would consider whether working yourself to dangerous stress levels in order to earn the money to send your child to an expensive school isn't counter produtive.

Would it be possible to take a less pressured job or work p/t, have your DD in a state school - or less expensive than boarding, anyway - and employ a live in au pair or a regular nanny?

It sounds as if you are putting emense pressure on yourself to 'give her a reasopnable chance in life' - but all our kids have MORE than a reasonable chance in life if they go to school and they have a parent who takes an interest and supports them at home.

Since you already feel flaky about the idea, I wouldn't put that pressure on yourself. Of course she loves the idea - it is a fun fantasy. Who knows, maybe she would love it and thrive, maybe she would feel sad and grow self sufficient in a way that makes you less close - but if you feel flaky, you would miss her and be worried about her, then that is just more stress on you - and you would be trapped in the circle of working and worrying because of the bill for fees.

I do sympathise for the situation you are in - and given the extreme issues you are having with stress, I think the priority for you and your dd is that you look after your health and quality of life first and foremost.

How is it a 'state' boarding school when it charges fees?? Am a bit thick - genuine q

The school (from 9 - 3) is free - but you have to pay for the care from 3 - 9.

That sounds hard, really hard. I can't really imagine being in your position but I think I would be looking to change my job rather than DD to go to boarding school. For the sake of your health which is for your DD and yourself top priority really. Perhaps you cannot see this as an option, but if you start from the premise "something must change", and see what else you could change? Au pair's are quite cheap if you can offer living space, def worth considering.

ahh. Thank you!

Dear God woman what on earth makes you think getting rid of your child 5 days a week is the answer to your problems?

You do have problems without a doubt, for which sympathy. But it's not the child that needs to be got rid of IT'S THE JOB!!!!!

Anything has to be better than a job which has almost sent you to an early grave, and could leave your child an orphan.

Seriously take a look at your priorities - no job is worth killing yourself over, particularly when you have a young child to care for.

Clean toilets, work in McD's, retrain - anything. Your dd will benefit far more with a mother that is alive, skivvying but bringing her up, than a dead one, or an absent one.

I appreciate you have health problems and worries and I'm sure in even considering this you've given it huge amounts of thought. At primary age I feel you should snuggle into your bed in your home at the end of the day. That security and constancy more than compensates for any chaotic after school arrangements and far outweighs fab music / sports facilities. I agree with others that taking more time to review your job / maybe consider move near relatives could bring an equally workable improvement to work/life for both of you.