Cop-out or Sensible decision to send a 7+ DC to board at RAAS this September?

[notavoicelikeShirleyBasseys]

Apologies if you have come across this in another section, I thought it out afterwards that his section might suit this topic best.
Just to add that after visiting the school, DC loved it and looking forward to it. Have days left to make up my mind and take the plunge. Alternative is struggle through and leave DC in day school with always-changing childcare arrangements(-;

The school is state-boarding Royal Alexandra and Albert in Gatton Park, Reigate.

As someone who seems to be in fairly similar circumstances to you there are a lot of advantages to boarding. However I am very suspicious of the school's reason for not allowing your dd to have a boarding trial.

When ds was little I started looking at schools. The favourite school on paper wouldn't allow me to see any children in lessons as it was 'disruptive' for them to have visitors. I ran a mile and later discovered I was right to do so.

At ds's new school I asked to have a boarding trial before I committed either emotionally or financially. I had paperwork that said I had to sign and accept within two weeks. The registrar told me to ignore that and to wait until I was absolutely happy to commit. Ds had his trial, we had a discussion and I signed the paperwork and paid the deposit several weeks after the supposed deadline. The school were at pains to ensure that I was totally happy with the decision as they would rather not take a child who is going to then be unhappy and not want to stay - that outcome is far more disruptive than any taster visit.

Ds's taster visit started at breakfast the first day (my choice to drop him off at the same time as his current school) and finished after breakfast the following day. It meant one extra child in class and in the dorms so not a huge issue. If they offered a boarding trial to all 8 dcs joining in Sept at your proposed school I can't see how that would be disruptive if they did a couple at a time over the space of a few weeks.

Personally I wouldn't be parting with a probably high non-refundable deposit unless my dc had spent the day and night there. Maybe your dd is far more mature than my ds but what lives in his mind and what is reality don't always equal the same.

notavoicelike Have spoken to DD again about this and she said that loads of girls board at age 7 and they have a fabulous time as 'Lizzie' (Elizabeth boarding house) is the best one and the housemistress is lovely.

It it not unusual to not offer a boarding taster. My DD did not have one. At their interviews they are assessed for their suitability for boarding. Some girls do get a little homesick at first, my DD did for the first 2 weeks but at least you will be local, not 3,000 away.

Good luck x

Sorry, I have to say please please explore other options. No, it's none of my business (but you did ask). Yes, I understand the horrible pressures of cobbling together work and childcare (even when you co-parent). And I understand freelancing too. Oh, and I fully support the idea of all sorts of family models working...

...but when it comes down to it you are talking about a seven year old, and you also have to think about the holidays. Please don't.

My dad was one of the early pupils at RAAS. He was six when he started boarding & for him it was to gain stability over a rocky home life. We are talking about 1948 when he first joined & looking at the prospectus, it's changed an awful lot! My mum boarded from age 11 & she was even further away from her family who were in Singapore. Both parents hated boarding to start with but found having the security of school comforting as they grew older.

I'm not sure I'd allow my DCs to board at such a young age, but I allowed DS to board at age 13. (Not RAAS) DS came home every weekend & neither he nor I have enjoyed the experience. He's back home for sixth form & I couldn't be happier, but do I regret allowing him to board in the first place? No. He's gained so much from it & learned skills about himself that he never thought he had. He's also gained a brilliant education so there's a big bonus. I can't say boarding has changed my relationship with DS & we are just as close now as we ever were which is not bad considering he's 16! My dad never forgave his mum for what he saw as being 'sent away' so home circumstances play a big part in a boarding child's life. If you really feel it would be better for your child to board then who am I to critisize? For some families it is the right option.

geogteach and motherinferior long holidays would be fine; DD gets them already at the independent school she goes to a number of miles away from home. Yes, current school has some limited wraparound care there, before anyone asks why DD is not staying, but she's not staying and that's just it.

bisjo I'm definitely reading you there. It doesn't on one hand seem right to ask us to pay before we get a taste of boarding, though I have some sympathy for the school in its reasons.

motherinferior

I wasn't criticising single parent families :( I was objecting to boarding schools and comparing my experience of knowing how much DCs miss their parents when they live in split families and how much they would inevitably miss their parents if at boarding school. One scenario isn't optional, but the other is.

I feel that some of the posters here don't have personal experience of boarding school and are basing their responses on their own circumstances as a parent, rather than looking at the needs of the child. Good boarding schools provide stable, happy places for children to develop. Sure, a child won't see her parents as much, but they'll have stability and space to grow, and a happy environment. I think these things are being underrated - if the girl here says she's fed up of having to go to all sorts of childminders this would be a breath of fresh air for her.

I totally agree Quip. My DD loved her first few years at boarding school and got to do far more than she would have done with me working long hours and her being with childminders. Also, don't forget all DC are different.

I do have personal experience of boarding (from 11) and my OH boarded from 7.

I have a good, close relationship with my parents. DH essentially has always had the relationship of a polite visitor with his parents - in contrast to his sister, who was not sent away to board, where the parental bond is very close (just to address the 'well it may be that kind of family anyway' question).

I do think that age is crucial - an 11 or 13 year old is 'formed' in the way a 7 year old is not.

For better or worse, school formed my DH rather than his parents doing so. As I said, he is a balanced and well-adjusted individual BUT he is distant from his parents in every way. He has the values his (decent, well-meaning) school gave him, not the values his family has (in some ways I am very glad of this!). So boarding may not harm your child - they may end up well educated and well brought up. What it may affect is the bonding and relationships within the family - and may well give the child a set of values and outlook on life which are different from the family's, so choose the 'fit' of the school very carefully!

My sister boarded aged 11, she is so far the closest to my mum of all her siblings. I didn't board but I wouldn't say I was more normal or content, or happier. All DC are different, what can I say?

It can work, but overall, yes it's a risk, as it can also be with children who may grow up remembering the constant shuffling between childminders and a sea of changing faces of au pairs. I'm not sure myself how the latter helps closeness between parents and their DCs better than a practical and consistent arrangement whether it be boarding or not, but far be it for me...............

Can see your point. I think having 15-30 minutes (or more) of quality time with a parent every day is worth a lot though. Time to touch base, have hugs and cuddles, that's premium, you can't put a monetary value on it.

You won't know if it's a good idea or not unless you at least give it a try. Your DD sounds like a little girl who knows her own mind. Go for it.

I think what you're ignoring is that the alternative anti-boarders have given you is not "constant shuffling between childminders" but you working less and actually looking after her yourself. People sympathis with your poor health but think cutting back on work not your dd is the best solution

My dc are primary-age and are at BS, coming home at weekends (don't want to say where, but it's a great school). It was a tough, long decision for us to make as x family, took lots of reading / thinking / talking / visiting of places to decide. Ultimately we chose the school which we felt matched our family's ethos as best as poss, and which had staff we felt we could talk to and work with.

I do get a bit of flak in RL for making this decision, but I am actually pro-BS as long as it's the right school and that as a family you can work closely to make it work well, and also to have real quality family time and enjoy the long hols. Many (most?) of my adult friends boarded, and most of them have good relationships with their parents - the one theme, if I could pick put one from the various experiencesy friends have had, is of gratitude to the parents for 'letting them go to BS' - no-one I know feels that they were 'sent away' against their will. BSs have changed hugely since the days of not speaking to or seeing parents all term, fagging, beating etc, and there is often a bit of projecting the bitter experiences of former generations that goes on wrt BS - folk-memories die hard! Anyway, don't know if this is helpful to the OP, but just wanted to add my thoughts to the thread. :)

FleetofHope As I cannot (and will not) stop work altogether, it means that whether I do 5 hours or 50 hours, we will still need to pay for child care. At current market rates for nannies or even childminders, I suspect that if I work less and use child care, most of income will go towards that, leaving me with less money and plenty to worry about (enter more anxiety and stress on health??). And no, titchy I can't do the dinner lady's job term-time or clean toilets, they've probably already offered those to someone else slightly less driven than me, iyswIm! As for going to work when she's asleep, well, why did I never think of leaving my DD home alone in the middle of the night? Or did you mean hiring a night nanny at extra exorbitant cost??

didofido Thank you.

Term-time only jobs are like hens' teeth, aren't they? Where I live, if you're lucky enough to get one, you stick with it until your DC have finished school - so these jobs hardly ever come up.

Well if she's at school during the day you wouldn't have to reduce down to 5 hours a week would you you coudl still do 30 hours a week.

Better for your health, better for your dd and you still maintain your career. what's not to like?

It doesn't have to be an either/or situation.

But even if it was, I think most people would rather give up their career during the week than their child.

I think it could work well and I think you are doing looking at this in the right way to see the good/bad for you and your DD, being open to change if things don't work out. Your DD will be BUSY with fun outside school hours and well looked after, she can phone/text you regularly I am sure and you can maximise your fun together at the weekends. I think some of the very negative replies you have had are from some who may be envious of the opportunity you have, even if they don't admit it.

Envious?! what delusions! Most people have kids with an intention to actually bringing them up themselves, which doesn't involve patching them off to boarding school for all but 36 hours a week.

For what it's worth not that it's any of your business I could afford to avail myself of the "opportunity" OP has but I rather like my kids...

Fleet, it's not very nice to insinuate that parents of BS kids dislike their dc. There might be 1000 reasons why families choose boarding, and until you've walked a mile in another person's shoes...and even then you might not agree, but to frame the issue as one of 'I love my dc more than you love yours' is particularly hurtful.

And yes, I am sensitive towards those kinds of undercurrents because I miss my dc a lot, love them more than anything and would do whatever I feel is best for them, inc BS. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound mean myself, but those kinds of comments do hurt like mad. :(

HoloferneseHead you're right, I'm sorry to offend. I am just baffled by OP's resistance to investigate alternatives, and having gone through single-parent hood for years myself and also felt a desperate need to retain my identity via my professional life I feel like I can identify with her position - but my desire to be with my children has always tempered that.

I was also just riled by noteventhebest's arrogance in assuming that jealousy has something to do with it!

OP: have you thought of using a live-in professional nanny?
They are more expensive than a childminder or an aupair, but in your position I think the money would be worth paying.

I couldn't send my precious children to sleep in a school, but I realise you have a very difficult situation here. Good luck with what you decide.