Mum just dropped bombshell and offered to pay for DS to go private. Any thoughts gratefully received.

[owlelf]

DS is in Reception, he's doing well and enjoys school. I'm pleased with the school, I volunteer once a week so have a little insight into how it operates. The main concern that I have is class size (32)- I think DS' teacher is fsntastic but each child can only receive a small amount of individual attention and it seems harder to engage a big class.

Next year the classes in KS1 are becoming mixed (two Y1 classes becoming three with one mixed with R, one just Y1 and one mixed with Y2).

I was chatting to mum about the potential problems with the bulge class and she asked if we would consider allowing her to pay for him to be privately educated (for the rest of his education).

I was privately educated, loved school, did well, could probably have done better but I coasted a bit (lazy teen). I think mum is disappointed that DP and I can't afford to privately educate DS- she has little faith in state schools (it's just her opinion and is not a well informed of researched one).

Our local private school is outstanding and I know it's a very nice school.

I thanked her for her offer but said I really wasn't sure. She is livid.

I have a number if reasons for bring tempted to turn her down. I'm not proud of some of these but they are the truth so here goes:

1. DS is happy and doing well at his state school.
2. DP does not want DS to be privately educated, he feels this will make DS a more rounded grounded person. I am unsure if he might be persuaded to change his mind....
3. I'm uncomfortable taking this 'gift' off my mum. Our relationship is tricky, she is quite controlling. Although she thinks the world of DS.
4. Our lifestyle is very very modest, we are pretty poor (as in no debts except mortgage but no spare cash, no holidays, just making ends meet). We are very happy though. If I am honest I know that it can be very difficult being a 'poor' child at a private school- I know that us a controversial statement but I feel it is true and I don't want DS' self esteem damaged by this.

Anyway, apologies for the mammoth post. All opinions gratefully received.

P.S. DS is (and will remain) an only child so I don't have to factor in any thd education of any siblings.

ask her to put the cash away for a university fund if she is so keen to financially contribute to your DS's education

The fact your mum is. On trolling would put me off. Youll always be in debt o her and shell let you know that.

Controlling

Based on what you have said I wouldn't even consider it. Especially not wanting to be beholden to your Mum, if she is controlling just think of the million sticks she could make from this to beat you with.

If your DS was blatantly failing then that might be a different issue. Maybe you could consider it for the future, maybe at higher education stage.

Could you partially agree with her - say that you'ld like him to stay where he is as overall you think he's settled, and perhaps she'd like to pay into a fund so he could go to a private 6th form if he wanted to, as you think that is where the most benefit of a private education will be, and for funds for university fees. By then you hope you'll feel more financially secure, and so DS wouldn't be the 'poor' kid, as you would be worried about play dates, and therefore him fitting in socially etc.

Although I will add that the majority of kids don't entirely realise who is loaded and who isn't. And I think there are more parents making sacrifices to send their kids / keep their kids at private school, so your DS wouldn't be the only one. Am just trying to think of arguments that would work on my mother.

What ohmygosh said.

Hmmm I would inform her that at the moment DS is happy and doing well but if things change you will consider it

I can't comment on your relationship with your mother but the points you raise as 2 and 4 are not my experience of private school at all.

Ds is at prep and is very rounded and grounded, no different from his state school friends. Also economically don't automatically assume that you will be the poorest. I think you would be surprised by how many pupils at private school have the same background as those at state school. There are very wealthy parents at ds's school but there are as wealthy parents at our local state school too. There are also plenty of private school pupils whose GPs pay the school fees (I wish ds was one!).

Have a taster day at your private school and let your reservations dissolve away.

Thank you for your thoughts.

ohmygosh that it a good idea. Although our local private has a fairly tough entrance exam so it would mean DS needing to pass this to join at secondary level.

I feel guilty allowing my relationship with Mum to dictate this decision in part. If, (notice the if here), private would be best for DS, it seems unfair to deny it to him because my mum is very controlling (and sometimes seems to forget that DP and I are bringing DS up, not her ).

I'd be really concerned that she's gone straight from "would you consider allowing me to pay" to "livid". You don't have a problem with your son's education at the moment, there is no need to rock the boat by getting your controlling mother involved. I would be very wary. This would be my main concern by a country mile.

Also I agree with the poster who said about "poor kids" at "posh" schools. Not all schools have the same demographic obviously but my DD is at a private school in London and the demographic is really very broad, and good schools of any type are sensitive to areas of difference between pupils.

The mother issue is a far greater concern IMO!

DP is an idiot with a chip on his shoulder.

Take up you mother's offer.

The school will distinguish between parent and fee payer. You will not lose control to you mother.

I was educated in a faith primary school with class sizes of up to 36. Was always top of my year in all bar sports & back then there were no such things as TAs! Went to secondary school & screwed my whole education up.in other words, if your lad is happy & doing well why move him?

DP's argument about having a rounded child is a fair one, but it does depend on the child? You both know our son best & if I'm honest I don't think I would be willing to accept your mum's offer. I had a similar relationship with my mother & also helped out in school, eventually becoming the chair of governors. I certainly was more aware of my DCs schooling over input my mother could have.

Trust your instincts.

bismirched I take your point about the demographic of private schools. I guess my thoughts come from my observations of my own school, but that was many many moons ago and maybe does not represent the general situation now.

Would it be wrong to deny this opportunity for DS based on fact that my mother is really difficult? I care about him and his welfare deeply (obviously) and I wonder if I should just take the crap she dishes out if it will be good for him? Otherwise I am putting myself before DS .

claire even if DP was an "idiot with a chip on his shoulder" (I don't think he is, but then again...), he is DS' father and his thoughts and opinions are as valid as mine. I'm not very comfortable with just telling him he is wrong and I'm going to act against his wishes.

This needs to be a joint decision- we both need to support DS in his education and be there to pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong.

I'm not clear what the "opportunity" is. Your son and you are all happy with his school

But it wouldn't just be you, it could divide your family. And at the moment, there isn't a problem. I agree with the posters who said if she wants to help, she can put money aside for later years.

Honestly I don't think it's as straightforward as you putting your views above your son's education.

what would be the advantage for your ds of a private education?

how would his education be better?

It is a an amazing opportunity for your son, and a great gesture, I would bite her bloody hand off !!!!

Your DS is happy, so why move him?

If he is happy then that is all that matters, you can add a heck of a lot of value at home.

I'm not sure that it would be a great opportunity, or that it would definately be the best option. It is impossible to know for certain which would be the best option.

However, so many people seem sure that private schools provide the best education. As such, if there is even a 1% chance that DS will be happier and get better chances from a private education I feel selfish to deny him that.

On the other hand he is happy (although he us 5 and very easily pleased) where he is.

I agree with the poster who suggested asking your mum to save it for university.

As your mum sounds like she is the type who is easily slighted could you not write her a letter thanking her for her gesture and explain why you do not wish to accept her offer at this stage.

I imagine your Mum will always be a bit of a pain, whether or not she's paying for the schooling (from what you say about her). So may as well let her pay for the schooling!
If it is a great school. Go have a look at it. If she's a pain in the arse Mum, you may as well get SOME use out of her to make up for having to put up with her crap! Let's face it; you're gonna have to put up with her crap (unless you plan on cutting off all ties) anyway, even if you don't take up the offer.
And yes kids don't seem to notice who's loaded and who's not in primary school (in my experience)
I think individual attention is pretty crucial to education.

You may just be cutting off your own nose to spite your face cos your Mum annoys you.
It's not just the school that makes a kid a rounded grounded person; it's his parents, other friends outside of school, etc., etc. Anyway all private schools are different; is it a snooty elitist type of place or a friendly caring type of place?

My MIL once put £500 towards the 3rd child's fees and boy did we never forget it. At Christmas she sat down in a room of strangers and announced that she was putting her grandchildren through private education, demanded to see all the school reports and told off the eldest for pulling her hat on too roughly because it had cost granny a fortune.
Never again.