Mum just dropped bombshell and offered to pay for DS to go private. Any thoughts gratefully received.

[owlelf]

DS is in Reception, he's doing well and enjoys school. I'm pleased with the school, I volunteer once a week so have a little insight into how it operates. The main concern that I have is class size (32)- I think DS' teacher is fsntastic but each child can only receive a small amount of individual attention and it seems harder to engage a big class.

Next year the classes in KS1 are becoming mixed (two Y1 classes becoming three with one mixed with R, one just Y1 and one mixed with Y2).

I was chatting to mum about the potential problems with the bulge class and she asked if we would consider allowing her to pay for him to be privately educated (for the rest of his education).

I was privately educated, loved school, did well, could probably have done better but I coasted a bit (lazy teen). I think mum is disappointed that DP and I can't afford to privately educate DS- she has little faith in state schools (it's just her opinion and is not a well informed of researched one).

Our local private school is outstanding and I know it's a very nice school.

I thanked her for her offer but said I really wasn't sure. She is livid.

I have a number if reasons for bring tempted to turn her down. I'm not proud of some of these but they are the truth so here goes:

1. DS is happy and doing well at his state school.
2. DP does not want DS to be privately educated, he feels this will make DS a more rounded grounded person. I am unsure if he might be persuaded to change his mind....
3. I'm uncomfortable taking this 'gift' off my mum. Our relationship is tricky, she is quite controlling. Although she thinks the world of DS.
4. Our lifestyle is very very modest, we are pretty poor (as in no debts except mortgage but no spare cash, no holidays, just making ends meet). We are very happy though. If I am honest I know that it can be very difficult being a 'poor' child at a private school- I know that us a controversial statement but I feel it is true and I don't want DS' self esteem damaged by this.

Anyway, apologies for the mammoth post. All opinions gratefully received.

P.S. DS is (and will remain) an only child so I don't have to factor in any thd education of any siblings.

We get all that at state school .... Yeah we were told that too French turned out to be 6 afternoon sessions in year 3 never to be seen again, the rest was after school optional activities that required additional payment. You permanently have your hand in your pocket at state school hardly equal to the fees at private but free it ain't.

I have a very contolling mother. She helped my sister out financially with her house and never stops going on about it "I gave her all that money and look at the state of it ... yada, yada, yada ...". My mother has funds for her grandchildren for cars, first deposits on houses, for helping them with school trips ... and I don't mind that so much as it's a gift that goes directly to the children. Paying school fees is something very different.

I think your reservations are correct - go with your gut feeling. And I think the university fund idea is a really good one.

i went to a state primary school till aged 7, 7-11 i went private and then secondary i went to a selective grammar. moving between the different systems did not harm me, i kept friends along the way. i would actually say i beneffitted as when groups fell out with each other at secondary school i was less bothered by it as i had friends outside of school, so was able to see past the pettiness.

i would agree with above posts-keep him where he is if he is happy, if this changes, think about taking her up on the offer. or saving the money for uni.
in my experience, private school wasn't any "better" academically than the state schools i went to, but they did have amazing extracurricular activities and had the time to encourage them, so i really gained in terms of loving sport and music. but then again, in secondary when they didn't offer as many things i just joined a lot of after school clubs etc.
in both systems i met a few children with chips on their shoulders-snobs or reverse snobs-and then the majority were just normal.

good luck in your decision. you clearly care a great deal about your Son, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. i don't think you are "selfish" for considering it in light of your difficult relationship with your mum, because this could affect your child and husband too

i think you need to take a look round the private school and see what it will actually offer your ds over and above what he's currently getting.

then weigh it up against all the aggro from your mum.

only you can make this decision.

Well you were indeed lucky because I have no idea how it happened but none of my three were ever "picked" for music lessons or got anything else for free.
I reckon prep cost about £100 a week per child when you applied all the discounts so the additional £99 bought rather a lot for our family.
Not to say it's right for everyone, getting back to the OP but I wouldn't say it wasn't money well spent for a lot of children.

I also have a controlling mother. Every little things she gives/does for us we have to pay back 10 times over. In the future is it likely your mum will use the school fees as a weapon to get you to do what she wants? If the answer is even possibly going to be yes, I'd be saying "no" straight off regardless of the merit or otherwise of the school decision.

Private is not always better - that is definitely true.

However, if you have a really good private school near you which is genuinley performing better (not just more selective) with smaller classes and great facilities and producing well rounded pupils then it is worth thinking about.

I especially say this at secondary level because teh advantages are less obvious at Prep level.

A lot of Grandparents are paying fees for children at our DSs school. It is very common nowadays because Grandparents have got the money from rising house prices, a lifetime of secure jobs and living on secure pensions. Things that many families now dont have compared to their parent's generation.

I do though understand your reservations about how your Mum will 'use' the fact she is paying fees. Will she use this to control you and interfere? I know some private schools now specifically invite Grandparents to events and open days because the fee paying Grandparents feel in many cases they have a 'right' to see what they are paying for and ask questions and get school reports etc. I can see your reservation and I know one family where the relationship with the fee paying Grandparents who are very well off and paying the school fees is quite frosty.

Equally I understand your DHs reservations and we have several sets of friends where they are in exactly your situation. Grandparents want to pay school fees, the DH is uncomfortable about private school in general but the DW wants to give it a go because they have come to realise that the state school DCs are heading to at secondary level is really not very good compared to the local private secondary options where her friends' children are going.

There is no easy answer.

Languages from 7 become compulsory soon in state school anyway.

I haven't read all the replies I hasten to say however this one really stood out for me

1. DP does not want DS to be privately educated, he feels this will make DS a more rounded grounded person. I am unsure if he might be persuaded to change his mind....

If your dh feels this way then I really think that is all you need to worry about.

Doesnt matter what your mum feels you and dh are the unit.

I agree with the poster who suggested she puts money aside for university .

Unless you intend to accept such an offer in the future, never ever complain to your mother about the dc's school again.

Excellent point MIW

So until your Mum took this initiative you were prefectly happy with your local school, and your Ds is perfectly happy in it?
In DS's state school all classes up to Yr 3 have a teacher and 2 TAs and 1-2-1 in the special room for those needing extra support - so the actual teacher attention ratio is very high.

This is a decision for you and your DP to make, in the context of your DS's progress.
Not a decision for your Mum and you to make about yours and DPs child. (as you have said to ClaireBunting)
Your decision will be based on first had knowledge of the school and your DS in it
What is your mother's based on?

I would not want to be beholden to a mother who is 'livid' at a 'we'll think about it' proposition.

I might consider it if my child wee unhappy or not progressing and we needed to make a contingency plan.

I went to a excellent over subscribed 'most sought after in county' acadmic private school at primary, my child is at state primary and I would not have 'reservations' to 'dissolve away'. How patronising, ClaireBunting.

I am a parent who looked at a lot of private schools, and then sent m kids to the local State schools. Lots of friends who can easily afforded ate send their kids to my DCs primary. Some even take their kids out of private for a place there, including one friend who had paid the full deposit, bought the uniform and I assume had to pay a terms fees as she pulled her daughter out at the end of August.
The secondary school has a lot of kids from local boys preps, as a lot of people see it as the next best to the very selective boys Grammar. For the same reason I choose it in the end, there are other good private schools but their slightly more polished facilities and smaller classes are counter-balanced by a lengthy commute.

I would second Blu (not for the first time, iirc )

Absolutely, its for you and your partner to decide. And I think your relationship with your mother is an important factor in this - ds's future happiness depends not just on his educational setting/education, but on the health and happiness of his family around him. I would take my time and do lots of talking it through with partner, and trusted impartial people!

I think if your ds is happy and you are happy with progress he is making and the school at the moment, you should sit tight and think again at 7 /11/13/16.
IME reception is too early to decide where a dc's strengths and weaknesses lie, so imo it would be foolish to financially commit to a school that might not be the best fit...
You ds could turn out to be musical / sporty / dramatic, he could be super academic or have some SEN.
Obviously it's not the end of world moving schools, we've done it... but it's always nicer to move to a school for positive reasons, this is the best fit for you etc, rather than anything negative,...including DM is trying to control your school career.

I think the golden rule of a child's schooling is, if the child is happy don't move them unless it's absolutely unavoidable. Thank your mother for her generosity and leave it at that.

I wouldn't touch the money with anyone else's barge pole. Just bring the child up the best way that you can, the same as we all have to. If your mother wants to give her money to your son, tell her to put it in a trust for him when he turns 21, or better yet, leave it in her will.

Leave him at the state but book him a place at the prep for year 3. It doesn't mean you have to take it (you will though).

I've not read the whole thread but if he's happy I'd keep the money back until secondary. Or until you are unsatisfied with the education he's receiving from the state.

take her up on her offer.

maybe sit tight and let son go private aged 9?

Visit the school with your DH and think about it