Mum just dropped bombshell and offered to pay for DS to go private. Any thoughts gratefully received.

[owlelf]

DS is in Reception, he's doing well and enjoys school. I'm pleased with the school, I volunteer once a week so have a little insight into how it operates. The main concern that I have is class size (32)- I think DS' teacher is fsntastic but each child can only receive a small amount of individual attention and it seems harder to engage a big class.

Next year the classes in KS1 are becoming mixed (two Y1 classes becoming three with one mixed with R, one just Y1 and one mixed with Y2).

I was chatting to mum about the potential problems with the bulge class and she asked if we would consider allowing her to pay for him to be privately educated (for the rest of his education).

I was privately educated, loved school, did well, could probably have done better but I coasted a bit (lazy teen). I think mum is disappointed that DP and I can't afford to privately educate DS- she has little faith in state schools (it's just her opinion and is not a well informed of researched one).

Our local private school is outstanding and I know it's a very nice school.

I thanked her for her offer but said I really wasn't sure. She is livid.

I have a number if reasons for bring tempted to turn her down. I'm not proud of some of these but they are the truth so here goes:

1. DS is happy and doing well at his state school.
2. DP does not want DS to be privately educated, he feels this will make DS a more rounded grounded person. I am unsure if he might be persuaded to change his mind....
3. I'm uncomfortable taking this 'gift' off my mum. Our relationship is tricky, she is quite controlling. Although she thinks the world of DS.
4. Our lifestyle is very very modest, we are pretty poor (as in no debts except mortgage but no spare cash, no holidays, just making ends meet). We are very happy though. If I am honest I know that it can be very difficult being a 'poor' child at a private school- I know that us a controversial statement but I feel it is true and I don't want DS' self esteem damaged by this.

Anyway, apologies for the mammoth post. All opinions gratefully received.

P.S. DS is (and will remain) an only child so I don't have to factor in any thd education of any siblings.

Hmmm.

First thing, please please don't worry about not being rich in private schools. Kids are kids. They like running around outside in circles and eating crisps!

Second, check that your prep is offering a better education by your own measure. My measure would include proper sports teaching and teams from year 3, access to choirs, orchestras, ensembles etc, MFL teaching by peroperly qualified teachers regualarly (an hour a week by the class teacher does not cut it), decent outdoor space. Your own list will be different.

Third, how much involvement will your Mum want? Will she think she is now involved? Or will she be happy to turn up to prize day in her best toggs?

Fourth, can she afford it right through? Will she deposit the cash up front?

Fifth, what happens if another child comes along?

I wouldn't underestimate the problems of being the poor child in a school full of rich children. Kids may well be kids, but they're not stupid and they notice who's got what and who hasn't. And some children are just plain horrible and would love nothing more than to make another child miserable because we all have X and she/he doesn't because his/her parents are poor.

Anyone who you thinks children don't behave like that is living in a dream world.

In life there's always someone richer, cleverer, prettier, thinner, faster than you.

The sooner you teach your DC that, the better IMVHO. You can't just avoid anyone who might make you feel bad. Well you can, but what sort of half life is that?

And what of really poor children in state school? Where do they go to avoid being made to feel bad by their middle class peers?

I wouldn't. She'll feel she has the right to intervene and interfere in every aspect of his schooling from now on. If your local schools were appalling it might be worth considering but as they aren't....

It is very early days and if you are happy with the school and ds is happy there too, then moving him seems a bit unnecessary; if your dh is dead against private then you have to take that seriously too. You are also opening yourself up to possible blackmailing by your mum, by which I mean threats to stop paying if you displease her. Not good.

If you find, when ds is further on that you feel he is missing out on some things in his academic education then you can rethink. You may find that he is massively academic and the school simply can't do their best for him; but you may just as easily find that they are fantastic with him. You may also find that he's not academic at all....

...Sorry , I have not read all the posts......

The problem with the suggestion that the OPs DM start a university fund is that it is too far into the future and that she might want to be giving her DGS something tangible now rather than later. (however sensible a suggestion it is)

Also, will OPs DM be paying for uniforms, school trips and the numerous extremely expensive extras that some Private Schools ask for. It would be something to discuss and agree on before making any decision.

Sorry, haven't read all as you can see I'm cooking tea, not on MN

It seems you are mainly worried about the bulge class, but are otherwise happy. Can you just thank your mum and in the the meantime keep an eye on progress, see how things go next year. Go and look round the private school with DP and see if his views change. Most preps have an entry at Yr3 so that is a more natural age to change schools. Children sit a (short) entrance exam in the winter of Yr2. You might need to do some catch up work from the start of Yr 2 (either at home with you, or with a tutor) as children should be working comfortably slightly above their chronological age.

So you have the next school year to check out the options before you have to decide. And you can see how things go with your mum. Does she realise how much it's going to cost over an entire school career? Round here currently £15k a year + 6% compounded annual increase for the next 11 years, so about £200k. Because that's what she's signing up to. She can't suddenly pull the rug if the 2 of you have a row.