Mum just dropped bombshell and offered to pay for DS to go private. Any thoughts gratefully received.

[owlelf]

DS is in Reception, he's doing well and enjoys school. I'm pleased with the school, I volunteer once a week so have a little insight into how it operates. The main concern that I have is class size (32)- I think DS' teacher is fsntastic but each child can only receive a small amount of individual attention and it seems harder to engage a big class.

Next year the classes in KS1 are becoming mixed (two Y1 classes becoming three with one mixed with R, one just Y1 and one mixed with Y2).

I was chatting to mum about the potential problems with the bulge class and she asked if we would consider allowing her to pay for him to be privately educated (for the rest of his education).

I was privately educated, loved school, did well, could probably have done better but I coasted a bit (lazy teen). I think mum is disappointed that DP and I can't afford to privately educate DS- she has little faith in state schools (it's just her opinion and is not a well informed of researched one).

Our local private school is outstanding and I know it's a very nice school.

I thanked her for her offer but said I really wasn't sure. She is livid.

I have a number if reasons for bring tempted to turn her down. I'm not proud of some of these but they are the truth so here goes:

1. DS is happy and doing well at his state school.
2. DP does not want DS to be privately educated, he feels this will make DS a more rounded grounded person. I am unsure if he might be persuaded to change his mind....
3. I'm uncomfortable taking this 'gift' off my mum. Our relationship is tricky, she is quite controlling. Although she thinks the world of DS.
4. Our lifestyle is very very modest, we are pretty poor (as in no debts except mortgage but no spare cash, no holidays, just making ends meet). We are very happy though. If I am honest I know that it can be very difficult being a 'poor' child at a private school- I know that us a controversial statement but I feel it is true and I don't want DS' self esteem damaged by this.

Anyway, apologies for the mammoth post. All opinions gratefully received.

P.S. DS is (and will remain) an only child so I don't have to factor in any thd education of any siblings.

I would take it in a shot. Why should ds not get the best because your DP has weird ideas and your mother is a controlling (think all mothers are tbh)
The state schools are ok, but nothing compared to the levels in private schools. The class sizes are smaller with the ability to tailor education to strengths of pupils.

Why not go look around before dismissing it.

Oh boy; actually if she's like Mosman's Mum then forget it...

Sorry Mosman's MIL

And when your mum doesn't have the cash or decides not to continue paying?

Surely the better option would be to continue as you are and supplement where necessary.

More importantly, what does your partner feel about this 'gift'.

Private doesn't always mean better

When I say never again I mean accept help towards fees not the private school itself.
Some are absolutely fantastic and worth every penny but I think it has to be you and your DH's money not grandma's otherwise a) everyone will know anyway it'll be obvious b) you will be too beholden it already sounds like she is a bit disappointed in you, what will happen if your little boy doesn't come up to scratch too. Not fair on you, DP or DS

I'm another would suggest putting your mum off for a while (and testing her resolve). IME early years of primary is the time when children learn to go to school, learn to follow rules. They will learn that perfectly well at state school as at private.

How confident are you of your mum being able to afford 11 years of private education? Once or twice I have read absolutely tragic stories here on MN of parents who can afford the last year or two because of a major change in family circumstances. It could be a disaster for your family if for whatever reason you were stuck with trying to make good a shortfall.

We moved dd from state to Private, because she was in a large class and being 'lost', the difference is incredible.

However, if your ds is doing well and is happy and you are not concerned, then I would leave him where he is, we would have with dd, even though we could afford private.

You have to do what is right for your child, not your mum, or even yourselves. Private does not always mean better, that depends on the school.

By all means go and visit the school, it may placate your Mum, your DH may feel it is wonderful and be for it, but you may also be surprised at the few differences, if any there are and it will make up your mind to keep him where he is.

Don't worry about you being being the 'poor' relations in school, it doesn't always work like that, certainly not in our school, there are a huge range of different backgrounds and incomes.

I went through hell for two weeks when we were thinking of moving dd, I don't envy you, but don't lose track of what is best for your child.

Private is not always best.

2 of DS1's friends have moved from private to state aged 6 and 8. They are much happier now in state school.

Anyway that's just more anecdotes.

It does matter that you are unsure due to your relationship with your mother. My MIL helped us out with house deposit and it took years of expense by us before she stopped talking about it being owned by us and her - now any money us politely declined.

I wouldn't hesitate, anyone who can educate privately, should, IMO, if they care about their kids.

What is your local state secondary like? That for me is the key question (although a lot can change in the next 6 years of course). If you wouldn't be happy with it, just how difficult would it be to get into the private secondary on the 11+?

Drucilla. Are you for real?

I would play it by ear and see how he gets on in the next year.

If you think it would benefit him, do it regardless of your relationship with DM. But yes you need to get DP onside, maybe visit the school together to show him it's not what he imagines.

We have parents queueing up to get their privately-educated kids into our highest-performing state school in the county skanky comprehensive 6th-form.

Are you intellectually curious autodidacts? Do you have lots of books and newspapers in the house, and read to, and in front of your kids? All the time? Do you discuss current affairs over the dinner table with your 6 year olds DCs? Are you media-savvy technophiles? Do you FB, Tweet and Blog?

Then send them to the state school - they will be fine.

My family always reckoned private schools were for the intellectually and socially insecure. We are terrible intellectual snobs.

Private education isn't necessarily better.

And like you insinuated, how do you define better?

I do think there is a lot of value in mixing with all sorts of kids that you would never ever see at a private school (ie travellers, looked after children, Poor kids who don't have rich grandparents, kids whose parents have no aspirations for them, kids whose parents aspirations are for them to marry their cousin at 16, or be a hairdresser or a hundred other things that meant they would never value a private education, kids whose parents just plain don't value education)

I wouldn't accept the offer based on what you've said here.

I can't really understand the point of private/preps for primary school.
Maybe for secondary but for 5 year olds? Just 'why' ?

It depends on the five year old, my eldest used to sit in the corner with her hands over her ears because of all the noise in reception, she couldn't bear it.
My middle child at day two at the local state school was stood in the middle of 16 girls holding court and loved it. They are all different.

Seeing the title my first thought was go for it but I can totally see why you have reservations.

If my parents offered to pay we would have jumped at the chance but it would be more difficult with controlling person.

I completely disagree with your DHs reasons for not going to private school, they are not some weird posh place (unless its Eton I guess) and are full of normal parents and normal children and like plocket says the schools does not make a grounded person I would say its the home life that determines this!

Are you 100% sure that your mum would continue to pay if you fell out for some reason, would she use it as a tool to control you more?

I wouldn't discount it and maybe you could just get your DH to visit the school with you just to humour you? He may change his mind? DH and I fell in love with DS2s school (he is starting Sep) when we looked round and we were very unsure of private schools due to many of the reasons people talk about on these boards regularly.

Kind of irrelevant to this thread but yesterday we had to pop in to get some uniform and a boy of about 8 or 9 showed us where we needed to go and he wasn't posh but I was so impressed with the beautiful manners etc (not exclusive to private school kids I know) but it was so lovely to hear and has made me even more excited about the school IYSWIM!

is he your only child? are you considering having another and if you are, would she have enough money to fund private ed for any more? i think its the long term financial commitment that would worry me, agree with others who suggest asking her to start a fund for secondary/university ed

thesecondcoming It is proven statistically that those not achieving average levels at KS2 do not go on to achieve 5 GCSEs, around 40% I believe do not achieve this.

I understand that this does not necessairly correlate to going to private schools but even non selective private schools and those working with SEN children achieve 100% GCSEs so there must be some genuine link if that makes sense.

My reasons for mys DCs going at primary are so they are settled with friends and in the school in general. I was accepted at 11 at a very selective incredible private girls school in our area and I kicked up such a huge fuss as did not want to leave my friends my parents could not face forcing me to go, as an adult I regret it but I have done very well regardless but had a few troublesome years in my particularly vile secondary school before getting to where I am now!

I'd reconsider for age 7 and then again for age 11. Thats what we did, the kids moved to an independent school at age 11.

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I agree with what plocket has to say.

I would take up your DM's offer. Your DS is not her son he is yours, there is very little controlling she can do, unless you hand it over to her.

'DP does not want DS to be privately educated, he feels this will make DS a more rounded grounded person'. No he's not an idiot, this is his opinion and it's fair enough but you say that you were privately educated - are you not a well rounded, grounded example for him?

I would be concerned about mixed classes at such an early stage, regardless how lovely the school. And you have options. Think about them.
Just my opinion

I'd worry about your mum too. I've known friends who had funding removed by relatives who had offered. That could leave you without a school place of your choice in the future (or DS trying to find new friendship groups)

Your mum was "livid" when you didn't take up her offer? That suggests a big problem.

If she pays, she is going to consider your ds "her" project. Everything that he does and becomes will be, in her eyes, because of her.

Woe betide you should you want to change schools, do other stuff with him that doesn't meet her approval.

It's all very well saying private school is better but your ds is doing fine right now and your mum sounds like she could be very difficult about it all.

I would second asking her to save for 6th form/university fees.

Plus I couldn't bear to be beholden to anyone like that. It means that they automatically do have control because they can remove funding whenever they like.