Help, Teacher is treating my DD unfairly

[LostinSuburbia]

My DD is in Reception class. On her first day at school the teacher shouted at her which shocked my DD. Also on our children's first day at school the teacher did not welcome or greet the new parents which left many of us feeling troubled. Most parents of the class find the teacher cold and stern and some have described her as a battle axe. I wanted to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt. One parent who is a primary school teacher of 8 years is also deeply concerned about the attitude of this teacher.

One month in at pick up time DD came out distressed and said to the Mum next to me that her DD had not been nice to her. I immediately intervened and told DD to stop complaining to her friend's Mum but was interrupted by the teacher who proceeded to yell at my DD infront of all the parents and classmates "Stop being a such a tattle tale young Madam and you are no angel either". The teacher is now regularly shouting at DD and has continues to call her a tattle tail infront of others and has also started calling her a fibber infront of others. At the parent/teacher meeting the teacher seemed concerned about a friendship that DD has with another apparently more popular girl stating that DD is too focused on her. This suprised us as we feel that socially DD is blossoming and has made lots of friends and had playdates with half the class.

On another occassion DD finnished the day and came out with a furious look on her face. The teacher said to DD goodbye and DD shot back a furious glare at the teacher which I have never seen her do to anyone. A few weeks later DD broke down at home saying that her teacher does not want her in the class and that the teacher REALLY does not like her. No parent wants to hear that their child feels unwelcome in class by their teacher.

She had been saying every week that she went to the teacher for help because someone was mean to her or that she hurt herself, one time she had a large splinter in her hand or to get help for her friends and the response was always dissmissive which has shocked my DD. At her previous nursery she always got support on most of these occassions.

This week at collection time I was called in by the teacher with an especially stern look and taken up to the Head teacher's office without any forewarning. Both Head and class teacher sat there and proceeded to explain that they are concerned with my daughter's speech and where she is getting certain ideas from and that they are concerned that she is having a negative influence on one of her friends. Then they explained that her friend was at home and when her Mum was in another room she went into her purse and stole money and brought it into school. When this girl was caught out, the teacher found money in the classroom, she blamed my DD for telling her to do it. Then my DD was questioned by this teacher and all she said was that it was a joke. DD is 5 and at that age they are not that articulate. Because my daughter did not deny it, the teacher believed the other girl and judged that DD was being a bad influence.

I made the point that DD could have asked her friend to bring coins but that does not mean asking her to steal or to go behind her Mum's back. I also stated that no one overheard their conversation so there is realy no proof. At this point I had not had the chance to speak to DD myself. I pointed out to both teachers that it appears that they are not giving my DD the benefit of the doubt and that they have made their minds up about her actions based on the accusations of a girl who clearly has done wrong and is trying to deflect blame on my DD. I asked her class teacher whether DD is generaly disobedient in class or is disruptive and she answered "no". I asked whether she has ever experienced DD taking things that are not hers in class and she said no.

DD is a very well behaved and has never showed any sneaky behaviour or caused us or anyone trouble. She is not a bully and infact sticks up for the children who gets bullied and has at times been picked on herself. She has never taken anything at home or school without permission and all her previous teachers have described her as well behaved with good age appropriate social skills. Infact she has always had very good relations with her past teachers. Of course she is not perfect but at the same time I and her previous nursery have not had this type of experience with DD and I explained this to these teachers.

I have requested a meeting with the teachers now that I have questioned my DD. Her version is that they wanted to play a game called driedel at their future playdate. This game involves a spinning top and if it lands in a certain way you win chocolate coins. Her friend does not have chocolate coins so my DD asked her to bring coins from her piggy bank instead. DD is adamant about this and I accept this explanation because they had a playdate just before Xmas that was cancelled and beforehand I had bought driedels for them to play with and I have recently given my daughter chocolate coins.

Thank you for reading this long thread. Please can you advise me on how to tackle my concerns during this upcomming meeting with the Head Teacher who has requested the class teacher to be present. Also please note that the school is privately owned with no governing body. Thanks

You are obviously upset about this, as your post is very ranty, i dont really understand what has happened, a girl in your dds class stole money from her mums purse, at her own home, and your dd is being punished... Is that right?

Chocolate at school? Shouting at reception? Yeah right

Hi Byekerslike, Yes, you have summed it up correctly. Sorry for being so long winded and 'ranty'. I am very upset.
My daughter is being blamed for another child stealing money and bringing it to school. The teachers are saying that my daughter influenced this friend and told her to do it. My DD's version: she asked her friend to bring coins from her piggy bank so that they could play this dreidel game at a future playdate (not school). I myself bought this game so that they could play it at a playdate. You can use penny coins instead of chocolate coins if you don't want them eating to much chocolate. Also, there is a history of the teacher shouting a lot at DD and labelling her tattle tale and fibber infront of the class. Do you have advice about ways to approach this with the Head and class Teacher?

Shouting is not on, neither is name-calling "tattle", etc. Your child is being wrongly blamed for another child's misjudgement. Just tell HT all that?

Honestly?

If everything you say is true, give a terms notice at the end of this term and start looking for a new school for year one now. Your DD is not going to thrive in this environment. You are spending a lot of money for a service you are clearly unhappy with. The pastoral care sounds appalling. The reception teacher sounds like she's not fit to teach small children. It seems the head will back up the teachers on ridiculous allegations so it seems entirely possible that the negative attitude will continue throughout the school.

To contrast, DD is at a private school and has just gone into year 1. The teachers have a "knee rota" - i.e. a specified teacher is always available to patch up minor injuries and there's a school nurse too. Teachers are backed up by teaching assistants who obviously love children, can always spare a hug and have loads of experience of looking after them (the reception TA had been working with children for 30 years, the year one TA been there 18 years) Silly arguments between children are dealt with at circle time or simply by a teacher intervening to talk it through. More serious matters are dealt with in conjunction with parents and always in a very gentle way. I can not imagine any of DDs teachers shouting at her and she's never said a word to suggest they have.

My advice - get out of there and look for somewhere that will care about, love, teach and nurture your DD be that a state school or a private one. If you feel like this in reception how will you feel by end of year 3?

Yes, very very calmly.

First of all you need to separate this from your general impressions about the teacher. Those may need dealing with but as a separate issue.

Then think about the coins. The fears of the school will naturally be that your dd's friend feels obliged to do these things to keep your dd's friendship, which could potentially be worrying.

You can't know and they can't know whether the other little girl has misinterpreted the situation or not, but your dd needs to have it explained to her that she needs to learn to play without asking for contributions. tbh I would not have been delighted if my dcs had been told they had to bring chocolate into school either, for whatever purposes. The playdate game presumably depended on your supplying the chocolate coins, not on another child needing to bring them to be allowed to play? Your dd has probably misunderstood this.

It may even be that the teacher has noticed that your dd is bossing this other little girl around.

But if you can go in very calmly and explain that your dd has made an error of judgment and that you have now explained it to her, that should sort her problems.

Is the teacher quite old?
Newer teachers are strongly taught to blame the behaviour and not the child, so giving a child the label of a tattle-tail is wrong.
YOur child is very unhappy. The teacher should be doing her best to ensure that this changes.

I don't know what your options are ... but can you change schools? I would be very reluctant to keep my child in a school where the teacher denigrated her and called her names in front of other children (and where the headteacher thought this acceptable behaviour). She's not a criminal. She's FIVE!

Hi Cory Let me explain.
The girls wanted to play the driedle game at a future playdate so my DD suggested that her friend bring coins to it as they form part of this game. I had bought a driedel toy for this friend and was going to give it at the playdate but natural would not be asking any child to bring money. The friend appears to have had another idea and decided herself to take money out of her Mum's purse one day after school and bring it to school so she could play this game with my DD at school. Teacher's verdict is that my daughter somehow is to blame putting the 'stealing from purse' idea in her head. No one overheard this conversation and my daughter has a different version of events as stated above. They are 5 they do not use money in shops. Toy cash registers, monopoly and driedel games use coins/money as part of childrens' games. In the teachers minds it comes over as somehow sinister and they are choosing to believe this other girl's statement because my 5 year old did not deny the accusation or have the presence of mind to articulate her version of events well.

Apart from my daughter now being deemed as the 'bad influence', the teacher is regularly shouting at her in front of the whole class or the whole playground and labelling her tattle tale and fibber for all to hear when she tries to report that her friends or herself have been hurt by others. When she has hurt her hands or knee, had a splinter or a bruise on the upper eye socket despite asking for help no teacher has ever attended to her. The teacher is stern and has never shown a nurturing side to her. Most of the other parents have concerns too. I feel that she is being unsupported and disliked by the teacher and now that I have been brought into the Head's office without substantial proof of any wrong doing on my daughter's part I feel it necessary to air my concerns. I feel uneasy each morning dropping her off at school as I feel she at such a young age is not being cared for in a nurturing way and that her Reception teacher plainly dislikes her.

Do you have advice about how best to articulate my concerns to the teachers without making matters worse for my DD?

What motivation does the teacher have to treat your little one unfairly?

To be honest, my initial reaction after your second post was, well there isnt going to be a lot you can do, the teacher sounds as though she has it in for your dd and is dealing with this very badly... They are 5 i am

I dont have any experience with private schooling so i didnt reply, but came back to read what others have said, i agree with faintpinkline, you are paying for this, the teacher sounds utterly horrid

I would do as has been suggested and move your dd to a different school. The Head and teacher are clearly as bad as each other.

Btw BodyofEeyore, she is in her 40s.

I understand some remarks posted about switching schools but as yet I have not had the chance to fully discuss all of these points alone with the head teacher. I have requested a meeting with her but her secretary has told me that the head wants the class teacher there.....

Pulling my daughter out without raising the spectrum of concerns is not giving the school a chance to turn matters around. Also DD has been at 2 nurseries previous to joining this school and stability is important but this situation is most unpleasant.

I am needing advice about how to phrase my concerns without upsetting the head. Can anyone help with this please?

So it is a simple misunderstanding on both the part of your dd, her friend and of the teacher.

Your dd thought her friend had to make her own contribution (which presumably was not part of your plan).

The friend thought she had to do this to be able to play.

The teacher thought your dd understood about the value of money- which to be fair, some children of that age do.

Mine had their own pocket money from the age of 5 and were responsible for spending it/working out how much they could afford. And the school also had clearly stated rules about not bringing money into school (apart from dinner money).

Just go in and explain. A simple misunderstanding. A pity but there it is- no harm meant.

And then, take a second breath and start thinking about what your next move is going to be. Do you want to keep your dd at a school where they seem unable to handle a simple mistake without making a major song and dance? Not sure I would.

But first of all, you need to explain calmly, without any further comments on the teacher. Watch the HTs reactions and see where you take it from there.

If my dd had been told by a friend that she had to bring money in for a playdate I would have wanted it dealt with. Firmly but sensitively.

Cottonmouth,

I have no idea what motivates this teacher. The teacher has said herself that DD is not disobedient and is not disruptive. Teachers do have their favorites but a good teacher should be able to disguise the personal feelings and not make children feel unwelcome in class. Who knowes maybe the teacher does not like me. Maybe she is just not a happy individual. She might find my daughter hard work. DD is very chatty. When her friends are in trouble she always goes to the teacher for help and this appears to annoy the teacher and the teacher seems to want them to work things out for themselves. I am just speculating here. My gut feeling is that this one unfortunately i an unhappy and stern person ill suited to working with this age group. Other parents of this class have said as much.

I would be looking for another school. You do not know the politics behind the scene. Sorry but teachers ad head teachers are human, and head teachers can sometimes be very reluctant to hear bad things about one of their staff. Adults on the whole will take the "side" of an adult over a child. Some teachers can't cope when they dislike a child (a good teacher once told me she purposely never "dislikes" a child, but that was a good teacher).

Keep calm, stick to the facts, make any positive observations and well as your negative ones (to show balance) and have a clear idea of what outcome you are expecting from such a meeting.

You need to decide if this teacher will change her approach; if she doesn't, can your DD survive until year 1; if she can't, is there another school you can move her to.

Express your concerns but if you and your are daughter are not happy I would look at alternative schools. I would talk calmly to the head, why are you afraid of "upsetting him/her" You are paying for a service and they should be listening. Depending on how they deal with the situation would determine as to whether or not I kept my child in a school. The class teacher does not sound very professional, calling your daughter names publicly. What kind of school has no governing body, most independent schools do.

Im sorry but your daughters happiness is priceless and this teacher sounds awful. If you are still not happy after meeting I would not put her back in that class ...switch class or school. poor girl... name calling by a teacher that is horrendous in this day and age.

It is not a faith school. It is non-denominational and privately owned by the Head Teacher.

Thank you so much for your comments.

I know I need to be calm and approach matters in a level headed way but this happened on a day that I had spent in hospital with my Mum who is being diagnosed with cancer and even though I was on an even keel when I went to collect my DD, I have been a mess ever since that meeting. I have been quite tearful today. I have felt torn about sending her into school since this dreadful meeting. I will try to be calm.

sorry about your mum
I think that the school have jumped to conclusions quite unfairly in the other child's interests