Help, Teacher is treating my DD unfairly

[LostinSuburbia]

My DD is in Reception class. On her first day at school the teacher shouted at her which shocked my DD. Also on our children's first day at school the teacher did not welcome or greet the new parents which left many of us feeling troubled. Most parents of the class find the teacher cold and stern and some have described her as a battle axe. I wanted to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt. One parent who is a primary school teacher of 8 years is also deeply concerned about the attitude of this teacher.

One month in at pick up time DD came out distressed and said to the Mum next to me that her DD had not been nice to her. I immediately intervened and told DD to stop complaining to her friend's Mum but was interrupted by the teacher who proceeded to yell at my DD infront of all the parents and classmates "Stop being a such a tattle tale young Madam and you are no angel either". The teacher is now regularly shouting at DD and has continues to call her a tattle tail infront of others and has also started calling her a fibber infront of others. At the parent/teacher meeting the teacher seemed concerned about a friendship that DD has with another apparently more popular girl stating that DD is too focused on her. This suprised us as we feel that socially DD is blossoming and has made lots of friends and had playdates with half the class.

On another occassion DD finnished the day and came out with a furious look on her face. The teacher said to DD goodbye and DD shot back a furious glare at the teacher which I have never seen her do to anyone. A few weeks later DD broke down at home saying that her teacher does not want her in the class and that the teacher REALLY does not like her. No parent wants to hear that their child feels unwelcome in class by their teacher.

She had been saying every week that she went to the teacher for help because someone was mean to her or that she hurt herself, one time she had a large splinter in her hand or to get help for her friends and the response was always dissmissive which has shocked my DD. At her previous nursery she always got support on most of these occassions.

This week at collection time I was called in by the teacher with an especially stern look and taken up to the Head teacher's office without any forewarning. Both Head and class teacher sat there and proceeded to explain that they are concerned with my daughter's speech and where she is getting certain ideas from and that they are concerned that she is having a negative influence on one of her friends. Then they explained that her friend was at home and when her Mum was in another room she went into her purse and stole money and brought it into school. When this girl was caught out, the teacher found money in the classroom, she blamed my DD for telling her to do it. Then my DD was questioned by this teacher and all she said was that it was a joke. DD is 5 and at that age they are not that articulate. Because my daughter did not deny it, the teacher believed the other girl and judged that DD was being a bad influence.

I made the point that DD could have asked her friend to bring coins but that does not mean asking her to steal or to go behind her Mum's back. I also stated that no one overheard their conversation so there is realy no proof. At this point I had not had the chance to speak to DD myself. I pointed out to both teachers that it appears that they are not giving my DD the benefit of the doubt and that they have made their minds up about her actions based on the accusations of a girl who clearly has done wrong and is trying to deflect blame on my DD. I asked her class teacher whether DD is generaly disobedient in class or is disruptive and she answered "no". I asked whether she has ever experienced DD taking things that are not hers in class and she said no.

DD is a very well behaved and has never showed any sneaky behaviour or caused us or anyone trouble. She is not a bully and infact sticks up for the children who gets bullied and has at times been picked on herself. She has never taken anything at home or school without permission and all her previous teachers have described her as well behaved with good age appropriate social skills. Infact she has always had very good relations with her past teachers. Of course she is not perfect but at the same time I and her previous nursery have not had this type of experience with DD and I explained this to these teachers.

I have requested a meeting with the teachers now that I have questioned my DD. Her version is that they wanted to play a game called driedel at their future playdate. This game involves a spinning top and if it lands in a certain way you win chocolate coins. Her friend does not have chocolate coins so my DD asked her to bring coins from her piggy bank instead. DD is adamant about this and I accept this explanation because they had a playdate just before Xmas that was cancelled and beforehand I had bought driedels for them to play with and I have recently given my daughter chocolate coins.

Thank you for reading this long thread. Please can you advise me on how to tackle my concerns during this upcomming meeting with the Head Teacher who has requested the class teacher to be present. Also please note that the school is privately owned with no governing body. Thanks

I only got to speak to DD after the meeting and then it was the weekend. So I have not had a chance to put DD's side of the story forward. I guess they feel that they have already got DD's side of the story as the class teacher has already questioned DD. DD is scared of her teacher so a suspect that may have some bearing on DD's lack of clarity when questioned.

write everything down - if it's in writing it can't be manipulated to suit another version of events.

Have you asked the teacher about this incidents??? Have you explained your dd is only 5? I have a habit of asking then shouting :) if needs be, usually though my dd has the wrong end of the stick x

Imagine the situation wrt the money was reversed. Your DD is caught stealing money from you and this is totally against her character. She tells you another child told her she had to being in it. Would you not be up at the school insisting they deal with what all ears to be bulling?

That aside, the reception teacher sounds horrendous.

"all ears" should be appears. Bloody autocorrect.

i think soup dragon has hit the nail on the head. when your dd was questioned, she said it was just a joke. so she had admitted that she had told the friend to bring money, but was then explaining it as a joke.

this a total storm in a teacup. dd told the girl to bring money or she couldn't play the game (she didn't know you were planning to supply the money yourself) and so the girl brought money. end of.

they are 5. explain to your dd that she shouldn't be asking her freinds to bring money or they can't play. and the other mother needs to tell her dd to ask before she takes money out of her purse.

yes, the teacher sounds like an old school old bag. but the whole stealing thing is being blown out of all proportion. both children need to be told that they don't take money to school, and that they should have checked the plan with their parents.

it does however, sound as like dd is a bit high maintenance - there are usually children who need more of the teacher's time than others (and spend their break times following them around asking for help with x,y,z) and usually reception teachers deal with this more sensitively. ask if dd is being a needy pita and work on it with school. the teacher isn't dealing with it very well.

move the dd if you like, but tbh, some teachers are shouty. you might find you are doing it every year.

as it is a private school, i expect there is a reason you enrolled there - (academic excellence? discipline? nice gardens?) if this is not still of paramount importance, then look for another one. the ethos of the school does not seem to suit your dd's needs at present. (or any 5yos, but hey ho. there must be reason that the ht isn't getting rid of a disliked teacher with fee paying pupils leaving as a result). take your money elsewhere.

"Can we stick to the complaint I have with the teachers please?"

Oh, so sorry for not saying what you wanted to hear . Clearly you are not interested in hearing scenarios which don't involve your DD being the victim. I'll leave you to it then.

If the HT actually owns the school, I'd be even more nervous of keeping my child there as she will have a greater influence over how it is run than in most private schools

I would not necessarily believe 100% if she started blaming another child for her own actions when she is caught out doing something that naughty.

but isn't that exactly what you are doing?

I don't think Soupdragon meant anything by that post but was simply looking at it from another angle.

I know its really hard because its your lovely DD here but in order to gain anything productive for you out of the meeting with the school, you will need to be calm and they will be far far more agressive than Soupy may have seemed here.

This has happened at my DD's private school. Basically it's quite old fashioned which is why they get the results they do and I honestly think if you are a parent or a child that needs any kind of support these schools are not for you.
Example my child is not sporty or flavour of the month, she got knocked over in a race, not a big deal but Miss Popular basically trampled over her, hurting her. So it then gets reported to me by two other girls and DD that Miss P did not apologise and DD was made to sit out for basically getting under other peoples feet
Anyway I bring this to the class teachers attention and get told, knowing the children involved I am sure Miss P apologised. So three children are lying and one who is sporty/brainy/pretty etc isn't.

So for the rant but I'm fed up of the whole system and have given notice. I shall raise my own Alpha child at my kitchen top where she shall be cherished, popular with the teacher and not have to wade through all this shite. At great expense for the pleasure.

Honestly, I'd move her. Any other schools you like in the area?

outofbodyexperience, I agree that it is a ridiculous situation for the school to have such a stern and accussitory reaction to. They are young children who are not involved with money yet and just wanted to play a game together during a future playdate. It is as you put it, a storm in a teacup but what it has revealed to me is Teacher's negative attitude to my DD and how readily she was to blame my DD without proof. Bring coins does not mean steal from your Mum's purse. Things have been very much misinterperated resulting in Teacher accusing DD with the Head's support, of being this bad influence.

I have advised my DD never to ask children for money, chocolate money or even toy money. However, please understand that DD did not insist that her friend bring in the money or they can't play the game, or she can't come unless she bring the money. It was all very low key, they were organising themselves for this game. But I can see know how this information can me interperated in a variety of ways.

LostInSuburbia, just to let you know that you have used your DD's name in your post from 19:31 - you might want to report it to get it changed if you don't want her name to be on the forum

I think that you should consider bringing the game with you to the meeting to explain what you are talking about, say it helps with numeracy. I would talk to parents in other years, see what the other teachers are like, but to be honest if I witnessed a teacher talking like that to my child, unless I was fairly sure that the school was the best place for my child I would explore other options. She is young she will adapt in a nuturing environment.

My DD is age 4 in reception class at a CofE local school. Their teacher is in her 40's and kind, they never ever shout at the children or call them names. Much like faintpinkline Move schools. Honestly this is awful to read. My DD is being nurtured and has come so far since September, despite being one of the youngest in the year. You're paying this school to educate and care for your daughter and they're not doing a good job at all imo

Can someone come with you to the meeting to back you up? Take in a list of your concerns so you're not sidetracked, and try to stick to facts not feelings if possible. But I think any teacher who name calls and shouts at the children isn't going to help your child at all and may ultimately cause her to have anxiety issues. I really would start looking into a new school.

Migrating Coconuts,

You do make a very valid point here. They will be most defensive and I do need to be together and calm. I will give it my best to be calm. Thanks for your input.

I do appreciate SoupDragons point and actualy agreed with her that lots of Mums would be complaining to the school if the situ was reversed. My main concern is that the Teacher seems to have it in for my DD and is negatively and publicaly labelling her and yelling at her. The other child's Mum is realy not my focus right now. Soup Dragonseems to have had enough of this posting and I did not mean to upset anybody.

I'd move her. Ignoring the ins and outs of the situation, you have lost faith in the school and to have lost faith in the school so early in your DD's time there suggests to me that it is time to cut your losses.

I do have two questions (and don't mean them in any agressive or attacking way):

Firstly, I assume you are Jewish from the dreidle game thing, do you think there is any racial issue within the school/with this teacher? I don't know if the school has lots of Jewish children and no problems with them or if there are few and the teacher is showing some sort of prejudice (consious or subconsious).

Secondly, are you someone who makes mountains out of molehills and tends to be melodramatic? I am not saying you are, but it is worth thinking about before changing school as the children of parents who go off in a huff at everything are likely to move schools a lot as their parents fall out with one school after another and that isn't going to do the child any good in the end. Your DD didn't change nursery for similar reasons did she?

Move your DD if it's as bad as you say.

DS had a year R teacher that took a dislike to him from day 1. Made his and my first year at Infants a misery. Then his year 1 teacher took him by his reputation and when he pushed a child one day who had him cornered and was swearing in his face - yes they were 5, she asked DS if he'd pushed. Of course DS said he had - because he had.

In year 2 his teacher told me at first parents evening how well DS behaved, how hard he worked etc. I waited holding my breath for the barrage of negatives. When they didn't come I commenetd how glad I was he'd finally settled to be told DS was no different to how he always was. . His teacher was the DHT so take it she knew him well before teaching him. I took from this that yes teachers can dislike children.

(disclaimer - I work in school and about to train as a teacher and have never seen it myself professionally and the above in from experience not wild accusations)

Sounds like your DD won't get a fair hearing and there is no fairness in keeping her somewhere that won't nurture her - and paying for the priveledge.

Nothing you say will stop the HT supporting the teacher, as someone above said they'll take an adult version over a childs.

What are you hoping to acheive from the meeting? Maybe then we can advise you.

If the HT owns the school I would immediately change schools. Your DDs teacher sounds like a dragon and, frankly, doesn't sound like she is suited to teaching young children.

The whole money thing has been completely blown out of proportion. The two girls are only little and they should have been told, gently, that you shouldnt take money into school.

Are you actually paying for this? It sounds like it is run by a bunch of amateurs.

Is the school a Registered Charity? (I think most fee-paying schools are)
They must have a board of trustees, or someone that can arbitrate, surely?

I wouldn't stand for my children being shouted at needlessly in Reception.

I think just put your case across as you have here.

Your dd feels the teacher doesn't like her and has mentioned that she doesn't help her when she needs assistance. She is not taking it seriously when others are being unkind to her or when she is hurt. And is encouraging her not to tell anybody or ask for help. In fact, she is scolding her for doing so.

The coins - a misunderstanding. What 5 year old even knows the value of money - would even know how to steal something. My 6 year old thinks she's rich because she has a pile of 1p's in her money box. Ridiculous in the extreme. What would be worrying me is why they are treating her like a criminal - very little understanding of a child of that age.

Do you have any parents of older children you could talk to at the school? I only ask because we had an appalling reception teacher - but things drastically improved in year 1.

It's the last thing you need with family being so ill. I would also tell them that so that they stop bothering you with absolute nonsense in the future.

Add message | Report | Message poster LostinSuburbia Sat 21-Jan-12 19:52:16
"outofbodyexperience, I agree that it is a ridiculous situation for the school to have such a stern and accussitory reaction to. They are young children who are not involved with money yet and just wanted to play a game together during a future playdate."

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I think you will have to take into account that many 5yos actually do know about the value of money. Mine weren't the only ones who had their own pocket money and talked to their parents about what money could buy. So be prepared to accept that this was a genuine mistake on the teacher's part: try not to argue that of course no 5yo understands the value of money. Plenty of 5yos do. Explain that she doesn't.

I agree that the teacher seems OTT, but be aware when you go in that you need to be prepared to listen as well as to speak. I always remember my friend who went storming into school to complain that her ds was being shunned by the other children only to find out that her ds had a long history of knocking smaller children down and that the other children were simply frightened of him. It is a reminder to me that I only ever hear half the story from my own children and that there may easily be bits they forget to tell me.

Not saying that you should take this teacher's word for anything, but it could be that your dd can be a bit intimidating and that the other little girl was a bit nervous. Just be prepared to hear the other side. Which is why it will be useful to have the head there; hopefully she will see if the teacher is just ranting.