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Original poster

Do I have a word with the teacher?

118 replies

Aliz07 · 31/05/2011 11:36

A bit of a difficult one! DD (year 6) auditioned for the school play. She hasn't been given a part. She's very upset as quite a few children who didn't audition have been given parts.

Every year she's auditioned but never been given a part. I think part of the problem may be that unfortunately she doesn't stand out. She's quite shy/quiet in class, has never been in trouble and probably doesn't register much on the teacher's radar, if that makes sense.

Part of me wants to speak to the teacher and ask why, on the otherhand I don't want to make trouble.

I'm quite sad for her. It's her last chance in primary school and she's left out yet again. She's very upset, especially as all her group of friends are participating. She just never seems to get picked for anything and she's feeling that it's not worth trying anymore.

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nickelbabe · 07/06/2011 10:45

You do need to escalate this to the head.

If the teacher has been spoken to directly by your DD, who outlined that she felt left out, and just went "oh, wwll, you're attention seeking andit's your own fault because you're too quiet" then that's dismissing the child's feelings and actually really unfair on her.
It's like saying you have to be bad or loud for the teacher to notice you.

Original poster
Aliz07 · 07/06/2011 10:47

Tbh I was very surprised at what DD came out with. I had no idea about the thank you notes or well done notes. I thought they just didn't give them in yrs 5 & 6.

I was proud of how she spoke up for herself and quite shocked that the teacher didn't acknowledge her feelings.

DD is quiet, I think that's what shocked me most, that she did come out with lots of thinks that had made her feel left out. What worries me is that talking it over last night she's almost resigned to the fact that 'they think I'm not worth bothering with'.

Of course I can reassure her that she is, but I think she needs to hear from others that she IS important and she's not getting that from her teacher.

I think I'll ring and make an appointment to speak to the head teacher.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aliz07 · 07/06/2011 10:49

Sorry, things not thinks Blush

OP posts:
clam · 07/06/2011 10:51

Sounds like a teacher who is astoundingly lacking in empathy!
What a shame for your DD.
Agree with whoever said that school plays at this level should be chosen with the main aim of having sufficient parts/roles for all children. Those who aren't interested in actually being on stage can help with sound/props/whatever.
BUT.... was just about to ask how long it would be before someone made the "PTA parent" allegation, when I realised it had already been mentioned. This is just rubbish, I'm afraid. I cannot believe people still buy into that sterotype.

mummytime · 07/06/2011 10:53

I have to say if it was possible I might well in your circumstances withdraw my daughter from the school. For year 6's the rest of this term is normally a celebration of their time at the school. Unless the school sees and acknowledges the problem and wants to turn it around, then I don't see much point in your daughter being there. You can build her self-esteem better out of school.

My next point is, that I would suggest you contact her new school and let them know what has happened. I would probably speak to the year heads and maybe the SENCo (you could even ask for her to be put on the SEN list, not that anything will happen but it will hopefully make teachers look out for her a little more).

rainbowrain · 07/06/2011 10:54

I feel so sorry for your DD. this teacher sounds awful, i've never known a teacher to blame a child when it should be part of her job to especially help the quiet ones become more confident, if not at the very least, include them.
I would go immediately to the head to explain all of this and the teacher's behaviour.

bumpybecky · 07/06/2011 10:55

poor dd :( I'd go to the head too.

rulenumber1 · 07/06/2011 11:00

I've just read this thread from start to finish and am shocked at this teacher's lack of empathy. She's behaving in an uncaring and quite unreasonable manner. Glad to hear that you're raising it with the Head.

If I were you, and it's possible in your circumstances, I'd ask my dd if she wanted to be 'home educated' until the end of term (it's only 6 weeks). I'd spend the next few weeks doing a bit of homework each day before doing something nice together. The education could consist of trips to museums, the seaside, swimming, cooking and chilling out together. This is an opportunity to spend some time with a hurt little girl before she starts to grow up (and away from you) and it would show just how much you think of her.

Original poster
Aliz07 · 07/06/2011 11:05

I've got an appointment with the head teacher tomorrow at 2pm.

DD is so down with all this that maybe taking her out would be an option. She's usually quite happy and cheerful but all of half term she's been upset. I've tried to jolly her up but she's not herself at all and I'm very annoyed that the teacher has made it worse by being insensitive to her feelings.

Now I just need to find the courage to say what I really think to the head teacher.

I really appreciate all your advice, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aliz07 · 07/06/2011 11:07

Oh by the way Clam, I'm on the PTA so maybe that blows the conspriracy theories out of the water!

OP posts:
clam · 07/06/2011 11:08

Make sure that the HT is really clear that this is not just about your DD not getting a part in the play, but about the teacher's attitude subsequently in handling your concerns about that and other things. I can see this being dismissed as 'helicopter-parenting of a pfb' otherwise.

piprabbit · 07/06/2011 11:10

I agree with clam - this is about your child feeling ignored, undervalued and unsupported in class. The play is just another example along with the missing thank you letter etc. etc. etc.

mollymole · 07/06/2011 11:14

agree with piprabbit - ask for a meeting with the head and take along , or send in advance, a copy of your posting on this site
this teacher sounds a real cow

Original poster
Aliz07 · 07/06/2011 11:15

this is about your child feeling ignored, undervalued and unsupported in class

I'm going to steal that sentence piprabbit. That's exactly what it's about. The play is quite irrelevant really, it seems to be the last in a quite long line of things. The straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 07/06/2011 11:19

I suspect that even if a part in the play was 'found' for your DD - it would leave a bitter taste in both your mouths and not be enjoyed. So don't let the HT fob you off with something like that.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/06/2011 11:31

Shock, your DDs is astonishingly rude. I would have my DD out of the class by now and she would be home educated until the start of the next school year.
Fingers crossed for a good outcome from your meeting with the head.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 07/06/2011 11:36

Oh do go to the head. And don't pussy foot around or mince your words.

And if the head wasn't bending over backwards to sort this out and the first word out of his/her mouth wasn't sorry I'd have my DD out of there so fast

But then I am the parent who pulled her kids out of a school and went in to speak to the head after the deed was done and he had to go to the canteen to get a cup of sweet tea from the dinner lady Wink

snailoon · 07/06/2011 11:45

I can't believe how brave your daughter was to speak up to her teacher. Most kids would not be confident enough to do that and would want you to speak for them or, more likely, beg you not to say anything and just want to hide and suffer in silence. I would be really proud if my kids would do that.

What an awful teacher

Naoko · 07/06/2011 12:29

When I was your daughter's age a teacher did something very similar to me after I, in the same way, had spoken up for myself for once (also very quiet and barely noticeable in class). My mum went into the school like you are going to and let them know (politely but, knowing my mum, very firmly :o ) exactly what she thought of that. It didn't help, the teacher was an insensitive oaf and remained so, but my mum standing up for me meant the world to me. I'm sure it does for your DD too. Well done, and good luck with the head.

pozzled · 07/06/2011 13:03

Glad to see you have an appointment with the Head. Can I suggest that you and your DD sit down tonight and make a list of examples about the way she has been treated? It would be fairly easy for the head and teacher to dismiss her feelings of being ignored- "Oh, that's just DD being oversensitive/ reading too much into things". But if you have a list of things like not getting the thank you note, not getting well done notes (How often are these handed out to other children?), being passed over for the play etc- these things are much harder for the school to ignore. Also, do follow up that comment that your DD made about the teacher not looking at her work. Ask to see DD's books when you meet with the head, if they don't have regular, fairly encouraging comments that would be a strong validation of your daughter's feelings.

changeforthebetter · 07/06/2011 13:15

How in blazes can a child be simultaneously too quiet and attention-seeking? Confused

This is not one small upset for your DD it is series of il-considered and damaging attacks on your DD's self-esteem. I have done quite a lot of teaching and only lazy teachers concentrate on "good" pupils. The best teachers are the ones who can reach out and draw in the less able/confident ones. This the teacher has handled it all badly. You deserve a formal apology and she needs some training. How experienced is she?

When I was at school (way back last century Grin) this was how things were. Teachers openly favoured confident, attractive kids who were good at sport and performing arts. I was quiet, did my work and listened, so was largely ignored. I thought it was because I was a bit sh*t really Sad.

I wish you and your DD all the best and hope the teacher gets the kick up the backside that it sounds she richly deserves.

changeforthebetter · 07/06/2011 13:16

Fortunately (given the number of errors in my post) I did not teach English Blush

gramercy · 07/06/2011 13:40

Usually I'm a bit Hmm at people saying their dcs have been picked on/left out etc at school, but in this case I'm firmly behind you.

I had a bit of a similar situation with dd's teacher at the beginning of the year (dd is terribly quiet and shy) and as dd is only in Year 3 I didn't have the option to walk. After parents' evening the situation markedly improved. But your teacher sounds very dismissive and defensive.

I would most definitely pull your dd out (if you don't work!) and do some nice (educational!) things in the coming weeks. If you're going to have some problems at school, there's no better time to have them than at the end of Year 6 Smile

And good luck to her in her new school.

wild84 · 07/06/2011 14:13

Your poor dd. Hope you get on well with the head.

Lonnie · 07/06/2011 19:31

OP please do update us after the meeting with the head.

I would also comment on teachers reaction to a child in her care not having been given a thank you note when everyone else did (did she even appologise for this "forgetfullness"?) to me that said a huge amount about her teaching methods. She should have been really embarassed.

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