best time to tell them about the birds and the bees...

[Cordova]

Hi

what age is a good time to tell kids the facts of life? My DS is seven and is pestering me to tell him where babies come from - he already knows they grow in mummies tummies (he'd be frankly backward if he hadn't worked that part out), but he wants to know how they get in there...he seems so sensible and mature about things, but wonder if I'd be opening a whole can of worms by tellling him!

any advice?

ps my mum told me when I was five and I told the whole class...eeeek, I know there are some pretty stuffy parents of kids in his class who certainly wouldn't want their little darlings to know yet...

I've drip fed my kids info(although I realise I was more proactive about it with ds1. Ds1 (and i) had the advantage of ds2's pg as a prompt.) I'm pg again. With ds1 being 7 and ds2 being 4 I feel appropriate question may be asked. Looking through the other responses I feel 7yr old may have a bit of catching up info wise! I'm sure he and I haven't actually used the word vagina. (He used front bottom at the age of three and I didn't correct him then) We' ve got "Mummy laid an egg" ,but I think more of my friends have looked at the skateboard picture over a bottle of wine in our dining room than my kids have. (Not that my kids drink much wine.YKWIM) My son is the oldest by at least two years of all our friends kids so theirs were still babies while we were beginning sex ed chez ginger! I just answer questions as and when. I don't think the kids have even thought about the logistics though.

I've just got "Let's talk about where babies come from" from the bottom of the pile of books on the kids book shelf and popped it on the coffee table.
Too blatant?

When they ask is probably the right time although my DS1 didn't ask anything but got to a stage (aged 9.5 he had a 12yo GF who kissed him with tongues apparently) where he needed to know the basics. His response was "I'm NEVER going to do THAT!" and he was quite incredulous when I told him one day he'd do it for fun. I told DS2 at the same time (he was just 7) on the recommendation of his teacher - 'shag bands' were the in thing at the time and some of the children in his class had a good grasp of what shagging was. He took it in his stride.

Recently I heard DS2 calling DS1 a lesbian (they are now 8 & 11), I always ask if they know what the word they are using means and if not I explain it (although when I asked DS2 if he knew what a lesbian was he replied "yes, DS1")

DD has just turned 9 and I have bought her a couple of books: 'Lets talk about where babies come from' and 'The care and keeping of you'. She is an avid reader so I thought she would be keen to read them and we could then discuss any questions she may have. She has instead given me the books back. Perhaps the idea of growing up is a bit scary for her?

I am shocked at a school not wanting a child to use the proper anatomical terms for body parts though! A mini is a car in our house and I've never been keen on front bottom. As for pee pee...

DD is 3 and she knows that her "bits" (as she prefers to call them) are really called a vagina and the boys willies are really called penises. She talks about it sometimes, once in front of another parent. Said parent was impressed she knew the right words I think TBH.

I'm not looking forward to explaining menstruation though when DD gets bigger, I haven't approached that one with the boys yet either although I'm sure it'll come up sooner or later.

My Mum gave me a pamphlet thing (with line drawn illustrations) when I was about 9 or 10 about periods, I read it and then gave it back to her - I took it all in but didn't feel the need to discuss it, the information was all there. Perhaps that is what has happened with your DD sevenseas? Do you have any quiet time together where you could bring the subject up at all to make sure she is not worrying?

I really don't think she had time to read the books I'd given her.

Yes, definitely think a quiet chat is the way to go. Probably should have done that before giving her the books but didn't expect that response. I am fairly sure she would have spoken to me by now if she was worrying about it. I think it is probably more a case of being in denial/not wanting to grow up just yet or possibly even a case of wanting to get my attention/not letting me get away with just giving her a book to read... who knows???

Whatever the reason, I am fairly certain a girlie chat is what we need.

I think that books are perhaps useful as a follow up to a conversation, but not as an introduction. Apart from anything else I'm not sure that most children would think that this sort of book is particularly appealing (my children are always rejecting books on the basis of being boring/not what they are in to).

I think that you should approach conversations about sex, puberty and growing up in the same way as any other topic, that is answer questions, look at books or other resources together. Sometimes you have to seize an opening and direct the conversation a bit because it is important for them to know the facts and to think about some of the issues.

I think in general that the conversations aren't particularly tricky once you get going. Usually children make it very clear when they aren't interested any more, and I've not found with my two that they retained that much when they were small, so I also agree with the drip drip approach. Plus you need to check every now and then that they haven't picked up some funny ideas.

innana I'm sorry that you feel that your ds has had a bad experience because a school friend told him to google 'sex', but I really don't understand why you are blaming school. It's one of those things that happens and probably had nothing to do with the class at school. It is primarily our job as parents to education our children about sex and relationships. We have more time and know our children better, and it is a fairly fundamental part of growing up. I think that you just need to talk it through with your ds until he feels OK again and he'll be just fine.

Cocoflower my children have watched lots of births on youtube, or DVD in prep for them being present at the birth of their siblings. My eldest was present when her brother was born, she was 26 months. Later, she and her younger brother and sister were present when my youngest son was born. We had all read books (looked at piccys) together and videos etc and they accepted it as the most natural thing in the world. They asked to be present, and indeed were, they were aged 5.10, 3.8 and 1.8. They were at a friends for the labour, but came home about 10 mins before he was born, they were fab, and came to talk to me inbetween contractions, my 3 year old went and fetched his goggles and put them on incase he needed to help out (was a waterbirth) and they all looked on and welcomed their sibling. They were the ones to find out if he were a boy or girl, and my eldest 2 cut the cord with the help of my wonderful midwife.

Or course, having children at a birth does not present as an opportunity (or the choice they would make) for a lot of families, however I do feel that as adults we should try not to project our discomfort about a subject that is perfectly natural and one which our children accept readily if it is always just "there" in their lives. It is difficult to correct things like "front bottom" or babies come out of your bottom" and children can lose faith in you when they realise the things you have told them for years are simply not true, ie the baby came from a stork!

Both my eldest went into school and told them all about the birth, and both classes were supportive, and encouraging. DD class 5 already used correct scientific names for human body parts and were covering life cycles (though not reporoduction) as a topic - so it actually fitted very well.

I have tried to start early and talk about it whenever it has come up.

It is amazing the misconceptions children have even though you think you have been very clear.

Both my older two boys thought that you only had sex once and the sperm was stored inside the woman until needed for subsequent babies. This came out later in separate discussions.

Oh I am laughing to myself as my DS who is 5 has started to ask when I am going to have a baby, as he would like one!!! We didnt even think we would have him, and as we were bit older having him,(and were told 3 in 10 chance too) have decided he is going to be the only one, other factors 2 like too tired now to start all over again, and like the bit of me time a bit more now that he has started school,!!! But had this conversion with him last week, when he started to say that the baby grows in mummys tummy and if I want one I should just go to the doctors who will give mummy a seed that I will swallow and thats how I will get a baby!!! Bless, if it was only that simeple but maybe not as much pleasure!!!! Any good books to maybe start reading with him, without going into 2 much detail at the moment, want him to stay my baby a little bit longer, he is growing up too fast, and cant belive he will be 6 soon...its a true saying they dont stay babies long...thanks

My 7 year old son recently witnessed the real live birth of a lamb - nothing I've said to him since has convinced him that the lamb didn't come out of the sheep's bottom!!

I am realy shocked that some mothers of 8 and 9 year old girls havent dicussed menstruation. About 50% of girls have their periods before leaving primary school. 25% before they are 10, the average has got younger ( for a combination of reasons) . It can happen anytime after the 8th birthday. I would think that this is of far more pressing importance than the mechanics of sex .

My just turned four year old knows that mummys have eggs daddys have seeds, baby grows in mummys bellys then she 'poos' them out he asked lots of questions when the cat gave birth. I dont think theres a 'right time' to have a full on chat i think its best to 'wean them' when they ask questions asnwer them as simple and honest as you can.

My partner's a genius in this as all things, and had a 'chat' with DS1 at 2.11 because he was worried his nursery key worker ate babies (the 'tummy' thing). He was told it was in her womb, he asked how it got there, was told nursery worker had had sex with her partner. No more questions. Bit later he asked what sex was and was told it was something grown-ups did for fun which could make babies. He asked lots of questions about which grown-ups, and was told all grown ups did it for fun, but not people related to each other, but that only sometimes and with men and women did it make babies. He never asked any questions about willies or anything else, and that seemed fine, especially because at the time he thought men and women were distinguished by hair style.

Which seemed OK, but he does sometimes ask pregnant women if having sex was fun or just to make babies, and he does think that the Lake District is in Grandma's womb (because that's where Mummy came from).

Don't know if that is helpful, but to me it seems to say that misconceptions needn't be harmful, and that the hierarchy of biology before social needn't be as obvious to kids as adults. There isn't really a need to explain everything mechanically and fully just because the issue has come up-you can be guided down different paths by children.

So, the question is whether you want to 'teach' it as biology and try and avoid misconceptions, or just respond to questions as and when and accept the problems.

As soon as they ask as if you don't tell the next time they have a sex question they will go else were for the answer and the information they get might not be correct

We have a really good book called Let's talk about sex covers it all in cartoon strip form

One of the big pluses of starting the conversation young is that you don't have to tell them everything at once, and you are right when they are really small they aren't that interested in mechanics. Conversations with my two started with my c-section scar when they were 3 or 4, and it think it was several years before they wanted to know how the baby got there in any more detail, and then why. To be honest I think that my two asked many questions primarily as a way to get Mummy talking and delay bed time (for some reasons the questions always came in between te last kiss and lights out ). Any excuse for a good snuggly chat.

I always used the theory 'if she is old enough to ask...' with my daughter. She started periods at 10, and we have just been talking and know we must have discussed it before then as she wasn't freaked out, but neither of us can remember it...
THe only incident I do remember is when she said to my sister 'I know how babies get in a ladies tummy, but how do they get out?'. My sister (sharing the open to questioning policy) told her that it was through a special hole in the mummy's bottom. THe look daughter gave her, apparently, was hilarious. She seems to have decided then and there that my sister talked rubbish and she would never ask her another question again!

We have just told the facts, simply, since day one. Penis goes in vagina, wiggles around, sperm out, meet egg = baby. I can't understand why people make such a song and dance about it.

I wormed out of the 'how the seed gets in to Mummy' as well when my dd aged 6 asked. She knows how babies come out of our ,hole, which stretches to allow them out and that the male sperm meets the female egg and the eggs get fertilised. My DS 10 knows the lot and refuses to have any discussion with me about the subject as they do it in great detail in Year 5. I learnt a bit when I saw the DVD they watched.

We have started early.

DS (4) knows that babies grow in mummy's tummy and how they get out - I told him that there is a special hole between ladies' legs that stretches to let the baby out - and that babies are made by the mummy and daddy having a special kind of cuddle, which can make a baby but not always. I am expecting to have to give more details on the cuddle soon but I will do so.

DS has tried giving me a tight hug and asking if it could make me pregnant though - he wants a sibling!

I have also used the word mating to mine as they watch a lot of animal programes and live near horses so are used to that term. I just said men and women mate like other animals to have babies.

I'm a bit worried by this I have two DS aged 10 and 6 and neither have asked any questions really. I wouldn't just sit them down and talk to them because I feel they will ask when they are ready, although at this rate that might be when they've already left home.

DS1 did ask what rape was when we listened the ken clarke story in the news. I said rape was when one person usually a man forces another person to have sex against their will. I hoped that he might follow up with "what is sex" but my answer was followed by silence.

Told DS1 the basics when he was 5 or 6. His poor little eyes nearly popped out of his head. And then he said "Will you be able to help me the first time I do it mum...." Er, no....