best time to tell them about the birds and the bees...

[Cordova]

Hi

what age is a good time to tell kids the facts of life? My DS is seven and is pestering me to tell him where babies come from - he already knows they grow in mummies tummies (he'd be frankly backward if he hadn't worked that part out), but he wants to know how they get in there...he seems so sensible and mature about things, but wonder if I'd be opening a whole can of worms by tellling him!

any advice?

ps my mum told me when I was five and I told the whole class...eeeek, I know there are some pretty stuffy parents of kids in his class who certainly wouldn't want their little darlings to know yet...

[Horopu]

You need this book. My boys all love it.

[builder]

We tell them on a need to know basis. Our dds are 7 and 4.

We are pretty matter of fact. They still seem to think that babies come out of tummy buttons! (Although there is a logic to that).

Of course, what they don't understand is the complex, interesting, lustful, emotional relations between adults! (At least adults before they have the children, that is, when lust comes after unloading the dishwasher for the billionth time!)

[seeker]

The bot need to know NOW that babies don;t come out of tummy buttons. What is the purpose of keeping them believing something that's not true?

[galois]

I've been quite matter of fact about it with my DS1 who is 5 and my DS2 who is 3. DS1 was sounding out "con-tra-kep-tion" in the GP's waiting room, which allowed me to explain that angle of it too. They know that a man uses his penis to put sperm into the mummy's vagina, and it goes up to her uterus and meets the egg, and then grows for 9 months into a baby, which comes out of the vagina.

Before I sound too smug for getting the essential details across, when DS1 asked why children didn't have babies I said "it only happens to a man and a lady who are married". So I fudged that one.

[Cocoflower]

My 4 old dc has asked this.

I said "when a mummy and daddy love each other very much a baby can get there".

DH and I were only married this November gone where dc was a flowergirl.

Im now 4 1/2 months pregnant.

So in her mind now it's when a a mummy daddy are in love, so have a wedding and that brings a baby about, bless her!

[MoreBeta]

Another vote for telling them when they ask but be sensible with what you think they will understand and talk to them in a way that is appropriate to their age.

DS1 is 11 now and he told me the day before yesterday that they are about to get 'the talk' at school and promised he would try hard not to snigger. He knows all about the mechanics anyway because I told him when he asked and am sure it is very hot topic of conversation at school already. Without going over the top I reminded him that it was not just about the mechanics but also the more complex issues around relationships that mattered more.

He asked about the 'Ken Clark' furore of rape and wanted to know more about the issue as he had picked up a copy of The Times on the train and had been reading about it. That did momentarily floor me but I thought I'd go with the flow and see where it went. We talked about making sure the other person gives their proper consent and that they always have the right to change their mind at any time. He doesnt have adult feelings and emotions yet so he cannot put what I said in context but it was a start and he instigated it.

[builder]

SEEKER - because they were so unconvinced when we told them they didn't come out of tummy buttons but out of a hole between the poo and wee holes. And they found the concept difficult to grasp about tummy buttons being the remnants of an umbilical cord that fed babies inside wombs etc.

And - in the end - if they're not that interested I'm not going to initiate conversation. (They are only 4 and 7!).

Plus, I remember believing that for years.

It's like tooth fairies, children often carry on to 'believing' things when they don't really believe them.

[ThursdayNext]

So those of you who managed to say 'the man's penis gets stiff and he puts it into the woman's vagina and sperm comes out' or whatever when your kids were quite young, have you find that they have gone on about it at school and shocked random people, or has it all been OK? This is what I'm struggling with about telling DS who is 5, he has asked me a couple of times but I've been wimpishly avoiding it. I am pretty sure being the kind of child he is that he is going to be fascinated and go on about it a lot.

[MissM]

Saying 'mummy and daddy had a special cuddle' worked perfectly well for my three year-old. You don't need to actually specify as ThursdayNext says until they're a bit older. My DD uses the word 'vagina' when she needs to (as in 'Mummy, my vagina itches') and I do wonder how other kids might react if she says it in school, but to be honest I don't care what they think. I wanted my kids to have the proper terminology and answer their questions honestly as that way they won't be believing all the mad-up scary stuff that kids tell each other in the playground as they get older.

It's not hard to make the truth age-appropriate. Better they know this version than some rumour in the playground.

[TeamLemon]

RE: Playground Sex Education
I think you need to tell your own child that sex is nothing to be embarrassed about, but also that it is not the sort of thing that should be talked about at school/grandma's house/middle of the supermarket.

[seeker]

Ye3s, my dd did enlighten a few of her friends when she was 4/5 (I was pregnant awith ds at the time) But that's all good - she could counteract some of the "goosberry bush" "going to the shop to buy a baby" stuff some parents burden theri children with!


Never be afraid of the truth.

[cannydoit]

i told all mine quite early on the basic ins and out (so to speak) bout 5 i think. my ds is four and just told a woman on the bus that he had eaten to much food and had a baby in his belly and soon it would come out of his funjana hole . when they ask i tell basically.

[PollFlanders]

No DD hasn't gone on about it, although when painting a picture at nursery this week she did say as she was painting "here is Daddy's head, here's his body, his arm and here is his penis". Staff just thought it was mildly amusing - i'm sure the kids say funny things all day - no idea if anyone else heard but really, it's not your problem is it? Much better that they know from you and are armed against other kids being silly. I'm sure even if he did get a bit obsessed it would be very very short-lived before the next thing came along.
Think I may have sounded a bit smug originally, what I meant was IVF is pretty easy to explain simply.

[cannydoit]

god i remember getting getting called in to the school because my dd then 4 was using inappropriate, i was horrified got up there, to be told that it was not appropriate for her to be say penis or vagina. i went a bit mental thinking that she had been saying shit or something. i asked them what she should be calling them. i was informed that minnie was ok or front bottom (yuk), willie was fine as was pee pee ffs. i said that when the medical terms for genitalia changed i would be happy to teach to call her vagina after a mouse until then she will call it a vagina.

[WowOoo]

I'm glad I've read this. My almost 5yr old has been coming out with a lot of Q's recently.

Have been informing on a need to know basis.

It's been quite hard for me to gauge how to give just enough info to satisfy immediate Qs and curiosity without confusing him.

Have seen some great books with diagrams and simple language in library. Now might be the time for me to actually buy one!

[ThursdayNext]

I know, I know, I'm not planning on putting it off until they are teenagers, I was just hoping to fudge the specific mechanics of sex until DS was, I don't know, 7 or something, but it's not to be. He is asking and I have to tell him. I thought I was doing pretty well with correct terminology and so on, it's just the specifics of sperm meets egg that makes me twitchy. Slightly pathetic I know. If he is fascinated I will ask him not to go on about it at school yet.

[ThursdayNext]

cannydoit, that is crazy

[cannydoit]

i did dont worry and since my 2dd and now my ds go there and have no problems they took it to heart or realised that i wouldnt change it. what was hilarious was one day my dd2 who is on the as and didnt talk until she was 5 one day said oh shit in class, and when i got to the school they came rushing out to tell me she had spoken and had used it the right context and everything, it was actually quite sweet how excited they were lol.

[BertieBotts]

Think - it's attached to the placenta, not the inside of your tummy button, don't forget! :)

Hoping to just explain to DS as we go along with him asking questions etc. He found some condoms and asked what they were and I told him, though I doubt he remembers or really understood. Then the other day we found a bird's nest so I was telling him how baby birds don't have milk like baby people/cows/dogs etc. Again I'm not sure he was that interested but oh well!

My theory is if we can cover it before he's old enough to be embarrassed then maybe I won't be embarrassed either.

[Cordova]

Thanks for all the great responses peeps, it does reassure me just to explain the whole thing properly next time he asks!

[MissM]

Cannydoit - that school's attitude sounds dreadful! What about their duty of care to children and child protection? If you don't teach a child correct words, and they talk about so and so touching my winkie/Minnie/nonky or whatever, how would they know if a child is actually being abused or not?

Being facetious - realise that is an extreme incidence, but if you don't teach children about correct terminology then how can they communicate properly?

I think the 'appropriateness' of when children use words is interesting. I told my DD at 3 that 'this bit' is called a clitoris (because she asked), and she's never said the word since (she's now 5). I think a lot of people get scared that their child might suddenly shout 'CLITORIS!' in the street or somesuch, which is pretty unlikely unless there were being told those sorts of words in an inappropriate context by adults. Just because they know about sex doesn't mean they are going to go round talking about it all the time.