Don't know what to do for the best - DS struggling with friendships at school

[JackiePaper]

my lovely ds is nearly 7 and goes to the local village primary school - there are 25 kids in his year, of which 10 are boys. DS is a very bright child who loves cars, trains and lego but unfortunately for him there are no other boys on his wavelength. All the other 9 boys play together in a big gang and play football every playtime, ds doesn't really like football and is not brilliant at physical stuff. He has tried to join in with them but they either make up a reason why he can't play, or they let him play but never kick the ball to him, so he has given up trying to play with them. There is one boy who appears to be 'ring leader' of them and last term ds had problems with this boy pushing hitting and calling him names. I spoke to the school several times and wrote to the governers and this seems to have stopped for now thank goodness.
He almost always plays with 2 or 3 girls who are similar ability to him and sit on the same table in class, and he has been round to their houses a couple of times and they have been here. They are lovely girls but I get the impression they let him join in with them because they are nice kind girls, and ds has no other options. for example he told me today they were playing mermaids so he was a dolphin - but it's not a game he would choose to play iykwim - when he's with his cousins he plays spies, police, space explorers etc.
My dilemma is that I don't know whether to move him to a bigger school about 10 miles away (which would involve moving house - we rent so not a huge deal) that's closer to where dh and I work and has 60 children per year where there is more chance of him finding some boys who have the same interests as he does? The main problem is that I have a dd who is due to start reception in september and the potential new school is full so she is on the waiting list.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel so sad for him that he doesn't have any friends who are really on his wavelength, but what if i move him to a new school and he doesn't make friends there? At least where he is at the moment he does have someone to play with most of the time, although there have been occasions when they girls wouldn't let him play either - I suspect this is because they are getting older - the two girls he plays with will be 8 in september. He doesn't hate school anymore since the teasing stopped, but he doesn't love it either, and I feel so sad when he tells me no-one would play with him at playtime :(

Sorry for the huge post and thanks for any advice x

He sounds lovely JackiePaper.My ds would like him certainly for the lego/space explorers etc. shared interest!

I know the football thing is hard on boys who don't like to play it every break and the likelihood is that a bigger pool of children would bring other boys who are similar to him, as his interests really do seem quite similar to alot of boys.

I still think the girls will be happy to play with him for quite a few more years, if my dd is anything to go by.Also, don't worry about him reporting a few lonely breaks as there are always occasions children say they had no one to play with.

Would it be worth looking at some clubs local to the bigger school and see if he meets some new friends there before deciding on the move? I do think in your situation though, I would go for the bigger school when you can arrange places for your dc.

Have you had any of the boys round for tea and play. I would eat my hat if at least 5 of those other boys don't like Lego!

Maybe they are all under the unfluence of the ring leader and feel they have to play footy. So maybe some one on one time with a few of the other boys would unleash some common interests, Star Wars, Tech Decks, drwaing army battles etc.

Also you can't be sure that this happens everyday, kids get the wrong end of the stick at times. And don't get defensive, but maybe he's a pain/moaner at times, some are not good at sharing or having their ideas listened too or don't want to join in something that is not there idea, hence they exclude him. DS has this with one guy at school who was all consumed with micro managing the footy match they all got bored as they just wanted to play, but they soon came to all realised what was needed to all play together well.

Have a chat with some of the other Mums and get to know them. Don't box yourself in with the idea they are all different to him because I bet if you delve a little deeper you will find they are not so different.

What about other clubs outside school to make pals? Cubs etc.

I think moving is a little drastic before you do other things.

Thanks for the replies, he goes to beavers in the village which he enjoys but none of the boys in his class go - it's all boys from the year below, so it's good that he enjoys it but it's not helping him make friends on the playground. We have had a few of the boys round to play but it's not been great. Ds wants to play cars or lego or an imaginative game and the other boys want to play WWF wrestling, football, star wars or ask if we have an x-box! Ds is quite young in the year, and although he's bright and towards the top of the class in ability he seems very young emotionally compared with the others in his class. I just don't want him to go through his entire primary school years feeling like he doesn't fit in - he'll be at his current school potentially for another 4 years.
I have tried to get him interested into things the other boys might like - he loves horrid henry (books and tv show) scooby doo, ben 10 but this deosn't seem to help on the playground as it always seems to be football.

How about a football club/coaching? If he already likes it enough to want to play, it might help his game and he can join in better.

I do think JackiePaper he sounds to have interests that other boys have.

I'd try some other clubs near the big school and see if he clicks with any boys there and perhaps arrange playdates outside of his current school and go from there.

that's a good idea i will look into clubs around the other school, we did try football club for half a term but he didn't really enjoy it much, he's not really interested in it at all. He's not a very physical child iykwim. He doesn't seem to have issues playing with other children - his cousins and a couple of girls whose mums iver known for years who are the same age, it just seems to be this particular clique of boys in his year group who seem to only play football and fighting. it's just bad luck i think cos there are boys in the year below who he gets on ok with at beavers but they don;t seem to play out of their year group at all on the playground.

He's a really happy confident little boy but little by little I can see him getting less and less so, and I think he feels very different to the other boys in his class. I just think finding another gentle bright little boy to be friends with would be the making of him, unfortunately there aren't really any candidates at his current school.

it's so hard to know what to do, I just want him to be happy, and feel valued for who he is iykwim.

Did you notice that you mentioned his brightness in all three of your posts? Is it possible that you're getting a bit caught up in wanting him to have friends of the same academic ability to him, when, when it comes to playing, that doesn't matter very much?

Listen for names when he talks about school and follow up on any that mentions more often. Invite them to tea. This won;t guaranteed friendships, but it gives them a chance to grow away from the tyranny of football. And keep doing it. He will find a mate, but it may taje a little while.

sorry didn't mean to harp on about him being bright but every time I've spoken to his teacher she tells me that the reason he plays with the girls is because they are similar academic ability to him and the other boys are not, so i guess that's why i thought that maight be part of the problem. I didn't mean to make a big deal about it. It's hard to invite any of the boys to play because essentially ds never plays with them and doesn't work with them in class, I wouldn't know who to ask. I will ask him though if there are any of the boys he would like to have over though, that's a good plan.

no it doesn't matter to me at all that his friends are girls - but I get the feeling from him that he would like another boy to play with who has similar interests to him. For example all the girls were making daisy chains yesterday and so he just sat with them while they did it. I also think (perhaps wrongly) that as they get older the girls won't want to play with him - the school he is in goes up to age 11.

If he was happy and loving school I wouldn't be bothered at all that he only played with the girls - he has done so for the last 3 years at school. It just seems to be the last few months where he seems to be feeling a bit left out.

From what you've said, I think it would be worth considering the move. You could always arrange a meeting with the other school, be frank about the current issues and ask if they think he'll have a better chance of finding friends there.
I don't think it's the the case that he needs more time to settle. He sounds lovely, but just has no friendship options where he is now.

Thanks for your advice, I have spoken to his teacher several times and the head two or three times, but the school are not very proactive in doing anything. Their standard response seems to be that the ringleader is just naturally popular and they can't force the boys to play with my ds, and that it's my ds's choice to play with the girls. When in reality the boys completely exclude him so he has no other choice and yes he does get on better with the girls because they play more interesting games and the boys seem to just play footie. They have done talks about not excluding people and things which did help a bit but I think it just boils down to the fact that he is stuck in a class with a lot of football obsessed boys and that's just unlucky.

Part of me feels moving him would be best but part of me doesn't want to risk him not making friens at the new school and completely being left alone, at least he does have some nice girls to play with where he is now. Its just so hard to know what is best, so thanks for all your advice and opinions it all helps.

Hi Jp my son would love to play with your son they sound v similar. He does go to a 60 place/year v good school and comes home some days fed up that no one will play his choice of game. He loves beavers, swiming and has started cricket. I realised I was projecting a lot of my "stuff" on him about nature and need for friendship whereas he actually has real skills in entertaining himself. DH in big introvert, v laid back but also razor sharp if DS unhappy given his own experience his advice is to let our DS find his way and value his indviduality. (Tactful way of telling me to relax!0 Have taken advice and DS is fine. May not be same for you but not sure moving school is solution

I think you're right (sorry, this probably isn;t what you want to hear) about the girl friendship thing. In my experience once they hit year 2/3 there is pretty strict segregation between girls and boys. My year 5 boy has a very good friedn who's a girl in his class, but they NEVER interact at school any more.

The football thing is a big problem in lots of schools. Our school has "No Football Fridays" and the playleaders encourage the boys to play other things. My footie mad ds always plays with different people on those days which is great. But it does mean the school being proactive. Could you push the school to try that?

And they should be doing something more positive if your ds is being consistently left out. Trouble is, if he looks quite happy playing with the girls they won;t, because there's noting to "hang" an intervention on.

Do you have any friends among the footballing gang's mums you can hatch a playdate plan with? I'm alwyas delighted when my footballer is invited round somewhere where he'll have to do something else, so there'll be benefits both ways!

My ds was in the same situation as yours, Jackie, for the first few years at school, and then two boys joined the class who were similar to him and there was a transformation. If the situation doesn't seem likely to change, I'd move him somewhere where there is a bigger pool of possibles, and where the staff take these things more seriously.

My nephew was in a similar situation...he hated football...his best friend was a little girl called Chloe and now they are 8 they are still good mates! My sis was not worried...maybe because she has already brought up 3 other children...and so doesn't tend to stress over things which would worry me or other parents who have not already seen some of their kids grow up.
My sis sent him to football club and also one of the martial arts....it took him a year but he slowly gained confidence and now he is making male friends...he still plays with Chloe a lot though.

I second also what Hully says....my DD had a few hiccups with friends and I DID consider moving.....this year 3 new girls have arrived and sbe has new friends.

It's teething troubles imo.

Just to add...I think moving is drastic too..especially if the current school is good.

A larger school has downfalls and he may feel the pressre..the expectation to make friends.

Unfortunately the school is full and the likelihood of any like minded boys joining his class is pretty slim I would say.
Seeker, no football fridays sound great - as do playleaders - what are they? DS's school don't seem to orgainise the children's play in any way - there are no organised games or lunch time activities, it's just an hour and a quarter with a rectangle of tarmac to play on, 'supervised' by a few dinner ladies ( who from what i can gather don't really do very much - they certainly didn't do anything when ds was being bullied)

It's so hard to know what the best thing to do is, the school he is at is not a bad school, it's ofsted 'good' and has above average SATS results etc, but they don't seem to be very pro-active about stuff. I've been in several times about ds and the response is always that they can't choose their friends for them and they will put a worry box in the classroom. There don't seem to be any playground buddies or anything like that, and not much in the way of school activities etc. It's not the worst school in the world by a long chalk but i woulodn't say i;m overly happy with it either iykwim.

I'm going to ring the school nearer to DH's job and see if I can go and look round and chat to the year 2 teacher and see if i can get a feel of whether it would be a better place for ds. Only problem is I need a place for dd too and atm there isn't one.

not sure if this is feasible but could you move ds and your dh take him to school as it is near to his work and your dd could attend your ds school until the new school has a place. I too have a non-football child and it is hard at playtime although there is a bigger pool of boys at ds school luckily.

I'd get the heck out of there! These are formative years, should be the carefree times and your son sounds like a lovely boy who should be having lots of fun. Do you even want him to be friends with these boys?Are the parents your friends? Sounds like you may be fish out of water. Life is too short.
Joining groups attached to the new school sounds like a great idea, with a view to moving there as soon as you can. Meanwhile your son will be building a social life in advance, and can endure school better because he had something else going on.
If your son is in the bigger school it should help your daughter's chances of getting in, shouldn't it? She could start at the current school and move with her brother as soon a place came up.
Good luck. Your son sounds a terrific kid.

Accepting he does not like playing football but trying to meet others halfway get him into Top Trumps or match attax (out of school most schools don't allow in) which are actually all about facts, collecting & statistics?