Don't know what to do for the best - DS struggling with friendships at school

[JackiePaper]

my lovely ds is nearly 7 and goes to the local village primary school - there are 25 kids in his year, of which 10 are boys. DS is a very bright child who loves cars, trains and lego but unfortunately for him there are no other boys on his wavelength. All the other 9 boys play together in a big gang and play football every playtime, ds doesn't really like football and is not brilliant at physical stuff. He has tried to join in with them but they either make up a reason why he can't play, or they let him play but never kick the ball to him, so he has given up trying to play with them. There is one boy who appears to be 'ring leader' of them and last term ds had problems with this boy pushing hitting and calling him names. I spoke to the school several times and wrote to the governers and this seems to have stopped for now thank goodness.
He almost always plays with 2 or 3 girls who are similar ability to him and sit on the same table in class, and he has been round to their houses a couple of times and they have been here. They are lovely girls but I get the impression they let him join in with them because they are nice kind girls, and ds has no other options. for example he told me today they were playing mermaids so he was a dolphin - but it's not a game he would choose to play iykwim - when he's with his cousins he plays spies, police, space explorers etc.
My dilemma is that I don't know whether to move him to a bigger school about 10 miles away (which would involve moving house - we rent so not a huge deal) that's closer to where dh and I work and has 60 children per year where there is more chance of him finding some boys who have the same interests as he does? The main problem is that I have a dd who is due to start reception in september and the potential new school is full so she is on the waiting list.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel so sad for him that he doesn't have any friends who are really on his wavelength, but what if i move him to a new school and he doesn't make friends there? At least where he is at the moment he does have someone to play with most of the time, although there have been occasions when they girls wouldn't let him play either - I suspect this is because they are getting older - the two girls he plays with will be 8 in september. He doesn't hate school anymore since the teasing stopped, but he doesn't love it either, and I feel so sad when he tells me no-one would play with him at playtime :(

Sorry for the huge post and thanks for any advice x

Here is a workshop which this county council are doing in schools...could you maybe begin something similar?

www.replayeducation.co.uk/index.php/about/

He is young. It's fine to be friends with girls at that age. Gender divides don't kick in till later. And he's happy. So no, I wouldn't move him.

Crikey, if he doesn't get on particularly well with the popular footie boys, I can't see British Bulldog working out well.

Well..maybe not that game! But the point is that if there are no other optins the current situation will continue.

In a smaller school the kids do need some guidance...if there is no equipment then it can be dismal.

Our climbing frame is a refuge for the non-footie playing lads...the climbing wall is also popular.

that wall looks fabulous but unfortunately the school fronts onto the playground and it's all glass doors and windows so don't think that would be a possibility. I think if the school could organise some games on the playground that would help enormously. As it is they are on a rectangle of tarmac with a rectangle of playing field and some balls for an hour and a quarter at lunchtime. No wonder they all play football actually.

It might be worth approaching school about organising some more eqipment or organised games, but last time i asked his class teacher told me they didn't have time to organise games or activities at lunch time :( I think I will try again though.

He is ok playing with the girls for now and i know they are only young, but it just worries me that he is excluded by the other boys. The class is actually very segregated along gender lines, apart form ds. And i worry that by the time he gets to 9 or 10 or 11 the girls will refuse to play with him, something which is starting to happen occasionally now.

I might have a look for a book on playground games and see if i can teach him some.

also he tells me when they pick partners in p.e he is always the one left without a partner - there is an odd number of children in the class :(
that breaks my heart a bit

Could you suggest the older kids do a workshop on games and then have a period of playing with the littlies?

Or find an organisation that go in and show the kids some?

Aw bless him!

I hate this kind of thing!

It's every Mothers fear and this is why it's the duty of all parents to try to ensure that no child is left out. My DD is at a tiny school and if I ever get a whiff of this kind of thing, I have stern words as do other Mums....the school we're at is very good at not allowing this to happen.

Yours seems a bit crap in this way...are you in the PTA? It's a good way of helping your DC make friends..

I'm so glad you started this thread. I have a DS, also 7 and in the last few weeks he has been complaining that all the boys he used to play with are playing football everyday.

My DS sometimes joins in, but he is really awful at football - I love him to pieces and he is good at other sports, but footie is not his thing! Like the OP I don't want to pressure my DS into doing something 'just to fit in' - he's lovely just the way he is. But I am also worried that all of a sudden he doesn't have people to play with at lunch. It's heartbreaking!

Again, like the OP, I think we happen to have an unusually high number of footballers in this year group. Just bad luck. We are also thinking of moving him to a school where there are more structured lunchtime activities.

I guess I just want to sympathise with the OP and say that there are a lot of non-footballing boys out there that shouldn't be made to feel bad (or isolated) because they're not interested in football.

I wish I had more constructive advice. Good luck with your decision and please keep us updated!

right where do all you mums of non footy loving boys live?! it's no good having one in each school we need to get them together lol!

Poor lad. I really feel for you. All 3 of my boys are in the 'no football' camp. For DS1 that meant 2 friends and for DS2 only 1 friend. DS3 is in the amazing situation of about half the boys not being keen on football. Poor old DS2's friend changed schools for similar reasons to yours in Y5. It was the case that the alpha male was 'in charge' of football and my boys were always too geeky to be in with the gang. By y5 for DS1 some of the other boys weren't deemed 'good enough' at football so increasing his friends up to 4! DS2 has SEN so moving him wouldn't have been easy, and he seems happy enough on the edge of things. He's never been bullied, he's completely accepted for his oddities.

I'd be really tempted to move him. He only needs one friend really, much more chance in a bigger school. If you can get first on waiting list for your DD you have a good chance.

Agree with other posters that the school needs to do something about the football. Our primary periodically has 'no football' weeks as the football tends to dominate the playing area, pushing most of the girls and the non-playing boys to the side.

The emergence of football as a dominant activity is a problem for non-footy boys, particularly in a small school. DS2's friendship pool has dwindled as more and more boys choose to kick a ball about. However, he's in a 9-10 class. At 6-7 lots of the boys were still playing Pokemon/animal rescues/space missions.

Thanks, I'm going to have to speak to the school again but they can't seem to see the problem and are less than forthcoming with ideas on how to improve things for my ds. Thanks for all your ideas it's great having people to talk to and bounce ideas off, there'sno one in RL who I can really talk to about all this, the other mums at school think the school is just fabulous and I'm sure they'd all think I was completely bonkers if I said I was thinking of moving ds. All their children have plenty of friends to play with though and that's all I want for my ds, I just want him to have at least one, really good friend. I think that's a really important part of childhood and their school years.

Singers - the kids round here do see to be very 'grown up' for their age. I ring it really odd that 6 year old boys don't like Lego and dinosaurs and space rockets but they like WWE wrestling and x-box. My ds seem very 'young' compared to the other boys at school and he is by no means the youngest boy in the class (birthday in a few weeks).

I just wish I had a magic wand and could magic him a little boy who is on his wavelength to play with

First time post here but long time MN lurker. I have very similar issues with DS 5. He is bright and kind but emotionally young for his age. His teacher says he is popular in class so I find it strange that nobody wants to play with him during playtime. Older DS in same school confirms this. He plays with one girl occasionally but he comes home most days saying "nobody wanted to play with me, they all ran away). The boys in his class are clique-ish and go to each others house on playdates as their mums are friends iynwim. I am not friends with any of them (I am extremely shy) but I plucked the courage to asked one mum who lives nearby if her DS would like to come over for a playdate next week. She has tentatively said yes, so that is a good start.

Sorry to have rambled on. My heart goes out to your DS, JackiePaper. Will be following this thread closely. Good luck!

Please excuse my grammar mistakes/ typos. It's too early in the morning :)

I think some lunchtime clubs would be good...in my sisters school they have a Doctor Who club! Also an art club...but it's quite big....I have no idea who could run it....a parent?

Iwanttoridemybike

Have you spoken to the teacher to check how your son is doing? Mine used to tell me she wasn't playing etc...so I had a little spy a couple of playtimes...and she was! She was playing fine....can you have a look? Speak to the teacher?

Older DS is my little spy who reinforces what DS 5 tells me i.e. nobody plays with him during playtime. I have raised this in a meeting with his teacher. She doesn't see the problem as DS is well liked in class and plays well in groups. Incidentally, the HeadTeacher has mentioned about mixing up classes in Sept. That may be the solution for us or it could exacerbate the issue. Fingers crossed.

So sorry to hijack this thread. Please keep us posted, OP!

I like the "No Football/ballgame Day" scheme. Good idea, esp when there are not many boys in the year.